How to say "No" to obligations?

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

A lot of you mentioned no longer spending time with people you don't want to, or doing things out of obligation. How do you say "no" to things in a friendly way? I unfortunately fall into the trap of doing many things out of obligation that I don't want to. How about when the ask is coming from a close family member? Just a simple "no, I'm not available" with no further explanation? I know some people just choose not to respond or ignore, while that would be easiest, I find it rude to do so.

 

[Tonks]

”No, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

”I have plans.”

“Sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”

”I’m not able to do that.”

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from my therapist, though, was that “no” is a complete sentence. It requires no elaboration.

 

[stracci2000]

I just come up with a plausible reason not to attend.
Work schedule, other commitment, etc. Whatever makes sense at the time.

 

[missy]

I say thank you but we cannot attend. I generally don't elaborate. If I really do have other plans I will say we have other plans for that day. I don't want to lie so I keep it simple and straightforward and polite. Plus if you make up an excuse they could just propose alternate dates to do things so by just saying, I'm sorry we cannot make it, I find that the easiest way to decline invitations.

 

[rainydaze]

I usually respond with something to the effect of "Thanks for the invite, unfortunately I can't make it.' I don't elaborate because I don't wish to lie and I don't wish to give them anything to push back on. Not wanting to go is, in my book, a valid reason for not being able to make it.

I have one friend who understands me completely so with her I can say 'that's not my scene, but thanks for thinking of me!'

 

[Arcadian]

Most people will back off if I tell them I'm just not feeling it. I don't tend to turn down having a good time but when I do its because I'm...not feeling it.

The only person that can guilt me into anything is my mother. Thats not a card she pulls out too often because I'll call her on that....lol

 

[marymm]

If it is a written invite from people then just answer: "thanks for thinking of me, but please accept my regrets for this occasion."

If it is a verbal invite, say "Oh, thanks for the invite. I will have to check my calendar at home and get back to you." Then email/text the above response.

If the invite is specific to you (i.e., "let's get together this week for dinner/coffee/something!") and you don't ever want to accept but can't shut down with a polite "No thank you" perhaps use: "Gosh, perhaps in a few months when my schedule calms down. Can you believe this weather we're having lately?" Rinse and repeat if the offer comes in again.


eta: As an adult, "obligations" are something I choose to undertake ... and if I choose not, then I live with the consequences. I'm okay with people thinking I am not a push-over or that I prefer to be more solitary or that I do not cave to pressure ... my own opinion of myself matters more to me than other people's. I try to be kind.

 

[TooPatient]

My obligations are very few. Myself, DH, and our animals are my obligations. Work, medical stuff, and whatever else as it is needed to care for those is mostly required but need to remember and remind DH that those are to help us and it is okay to decide something isn't right for us and find another.

Everything else in life is because I (or he) wants. We spend time with my grandparents because we enjoy them and want to see them happy and will do what we can to help them be happy and healthy. My father is toxic. He left my life at MY choosing in 2004. I have chosen to have limited text communication in the last couple of years, but that is my choice and I know I can stop if it becomes unhealthy for me. I choose to tolerate certain others as they are around my grandparents so that is a bit trickier.

Anyway, it helps me say no to things I would rather not do as I have had to recognize what I *have* to do compared to what others want or would be nice.

"No, thanks for asking though."
"Sorry, I am not up to that."
"No, thanks though."
"I'm not able to, but hope you have a good time!"
"I did that once and didn't enjoy it. It looked like others were having a lot of fun. Hope you enjoy!"
"We can't leave the animals alone that long."
"Maybe another time."
"I'm not comfortable with that, sorry."

 

[YadaYadaYada]

The 80’s got it right:

Just say no.

I know that is rather simplistic but really if you aren’t comfortable with that, tell them you have other plans. Then make plans for something you do enjoy, then it’s not a lie.

Hey, a bath with a glass of wine counts as “other plans”.

 

[dk168]

I like to plan well in advance, therefore, short-notice invitations/obligations are likely to clash with exiting plans.

Otherwise I shall come up with a plausible excuse, such as being on a camping trip as I can go camping at a drop of a hat.

DK

 

[kenny]

A lot of you mentioned no longer spending time with people you don't want to, or doing things out of obligation. How do you say "no" to things in a friendly way? I unfortunately fall into the trap of doing many things out of obligation that I don't want to. How about when the ask is coming from a close family member? Just a simple "no, I'm not available" with no further explanation? I know some people just choose not to respond or ignore, while that would be easiest, I find it rude to do so.

So ... it's rude to say no, but it's rude to your true self to say yes.
You just can't win.

Time for a reexamination of the so-called rules that you have agree to.
People please and be miserable, or please yourself enjoy more peace.

You are the author of the you that you create, so write a you that you like.

 

[Jambalaya]

This is very timely. I have to decline an invitation of this sort tonight. It's VERY awkward.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm already going to stay with a friend and her parents and kids later this year, and I don't really want to, but I LOVE my friend. I'm pretty much allergic to being a houseguest or having houseguests. I had no idea how to say no to my good friend on that one, so I'm along for the ride.

 

[Jambalaya]

Ha, my cousin, who I was close to for most of my life, when declining an invite would say "I can't. I have plans." It always sounded incredibly condescending to me - or perhaps it was the way she said it! I would say that to someone I wasn't close to. It sounded cold and off-putting to me. "I have plans." It was SO obvious that she was giving me a line. I guess "plans" sounds rather grand. I would just say that I'm tired, or have been out a lot this week and don't fancy going out again. I'd only say "I have PLANS" if I was off to the Ritz! But as Yada put it, "other plans" sounds slightly friendlier to me.

I had another friend who wouldn't bother to decline an invite, but would get in touch with me just after the date had passed, on the regular. Used to drive me nuts. She invited me to the opera once, which I hate, and I just told her straight-up that I knew I wouldn't enjoy it.

Kids need to be taught at school ways to decline invites gracefully and somewhat truthfully, if appropriate. If it's for an activity you don't enjoy, it's OK to say so. Or it's OK to say that you don't like crowds, or that you want to stay home because you've been busy lately ot have thigns to catch up on, or you don't have time for a full afternoon and evening visit, etc.

I've dropped out of touch with a friend, and I'm dreading getting back in touch with her a little because it's always a six-hour marathon when we meet up, and I don't have time.

 

[Dancing Fire]

A lot of you mentioned no longer spending time with people you don't want to, or doing things out of obligation. How do you say "no" to things in a friendly way?

I give them the middle finger.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

@Jambalaya Can you just get an Airbnb or hotel when you visit your friend?

 

[Jambalaya]

I don't think so. She specifically invited me to stay with her family for the weekend. Friday to Monday!!! I might try to knock one night off that.

 

[dk168]

I belong to a number of groups and organisations, including charitable ones that require support from unpaid volunteers.

I find if I organise and volunteer for events and tasks that I like to do myself, then I am less likely to be lumbered with obligations to help out on items that I do not fancy.

Stating upfront at the onset of getting involved my level of commitment/involvement helps not to be dumped on later on.

Based on my own experience, many would put their hands up to say they will do/help at the onset of planning, with lots of seemingly good ideas. However, when crunch time comes to do things for real, they are nowhere to be seen.

I only do/help as much as my own time and schedule allows.

When I organise an event and receive requests to change for whatever reason(s), I would politely inform the enquirers they are free to organise their own events that may suit them better.

It is not possible to please everyone, and I am not going to try!

DK

 

[missy]

I'm already going to stay with a friend and her parents and kids later this year, and I don't really want to, but I LOVE my friend. I'm pretty much allergic to being a houseguest or having houseguests. I had no idea how to say no to my good friend on that one, so I'm along for the ride.

@Jambalaya, Can't you just be honest since this is a good friend? Cant you just say, dear (insert name here), I love you and love your family but I am much more comfortable if I can stay in a hotel when I visit you. I will spend lots of time with you but I would prefer staying at a hotel to sleep. That's it. Sweet and simple and to the point and truthful.

 

[missy]

It is not possible to please everyone, and I am not going to try!

Exactly. And to try to do so is, IMO, a recipe for disaster. Be true to thyself. Or as Shakespeare wrote it, "To thine own self be true".

Allow yourself to be who you are. Your authentic self. Not what society thinks or wants you to be but rather be who you are and be comfortable with how you live your life.

 

[telephone89]

I find something simple like "Oh thanks for the invite! Unfortunately I cant make it, but please let me know how it is". I don't like lying, and honestly pushy people will find ways around your lies anyways. "Oh I have a work thing" "Great, come after!" sort of thing. Just saying no to start with helps avoid that I find.

 

[dk168]

At 23:26 last night, the restaurant owner where I had booked for a meal for this evening for 8 people from a social group that I belong to, messaged me via FB Messenger that he had to close today and cancel my booking due to non-Covid related staff shortages.

They had advertised for staff very recently, therefore, I believe it is genuine.

After I have announcement the cancellation of the event and informed all the attendees, and re-scheduled and booked the meal in September 2021; one of the attendees, whom I have known for some time and is the chief organiser of this group, messaged via the event page to ask if I could find somewhere else to go at such late notice.

I took a deep breath and said no for not being available to do so today, and suggested for him to look for an alternative venue if he wished to do so.

There are not many places where I would go out and eat locally, and would only consider 2 others. I did check at nearly midnight to see if they would be available today.

One can't accommodate a group of 8 via their online booking system, and the other cannot be booked online.

Harsh I know, however, I do not feel obliged to do more to re-schedule a meal for today that was cancelled due to circumstances beyond my control.

DK

 

[KaeKae]

A lot of you mentioned no longer spending time with people you don't want to, or doing things out of obligation. How do you say "no" to things in a friendly way? I unfortunately fall into the trap of doing many things out of obligation that I don't want to. How about when the ask is coming from a close family member? Just a simple "no, I'm not available" with no further explanation? I know some people just choose not to respond or ignore, while that would be easiest, I find it rude to do so.

Somewhere along the lines, it came to be expected that if you decline an invitation, you must explain why. That's just not correct. Think about it. Weddings are probably the most frequent "formal" occasions we all attend. The standard invitation includes a card (or link?) to respond with "yes" or "no." No excuse needed.

It's actually the same for casual situations, too. You can verbally indicate your regret or not. I tend to, and keep in my mind but not express, that I cannot attend something for MY reasons. If that reason is that I don't want to, or plan to sit on my sofa, with my pets, drinking wine and reading pricescope, that's my business, no one else has a right to that info, except maybe my husband and daughter who lives here.