How to move forward

[janinegirly]

dixie,
you gave it all you had these past few months, now it's time to accept the situation and move on so that you can retain some dignity. The only thing i can suggest for to you use as motivation to move forward is your own personal pride . Each time you ask him if anything's changed, it's a blow to your pride because he will only say no, so protect your pride and move away from the person who is causing the mental anguish. The reason it is so hard for you to understand is because you are not accepting the facts. And if i read what you wrote correctly, he also opened up to someone (a female friend?) while you were reeling from the news. You need to put an end to this tortue--you don't have to leave the area, you can move somewhere temporarily until your son finishes the school year. Or move back to wherever it was you lived before. This is in a downward spiral and you don't want to be the one left behind as he prepares for his move.

Take a look at Craigslist (if you're in or near a metropolitan area), there are tons of short term leases, opportunities to take over someone else's lease, roomates, every and any kind of situation. Don't just wait for your ex to make all the calls, he'll do it on his own timetable to coincide with his job. This is about YOU and it no longer involves HIM.

 

[surfgirl]

dixie, I''ve been hurt badly before and I know it''s not easy but we all DO get over it. I have to be blunt at this point and give a little tough love right now and say you seem to be just wallowing in your misery. What kind of message does that send to your son? It''s not "you''re probably right, I should move out", It IS right - MOVE THE HECK OUT ALREADY! STOP TALKING TO HIM. He doesn''t want you as his partner and he''s made that clear for months now. Time to move on already. We all pretty much advised you to move out when he broke off the wedding because it didn''t seem like a healthy situation. You''ve been holding on to this for months when it''s seemed like he had no real commitment or interest in working things out. HE should have moved out months ago (and personally I think he''s a big loser for not doing so then, or right now for that matter.) The longer you stay there, the lower your self esteem goes and the longer the climb back to a normal life. Again, what kind of message are you sending to your son?? We''re not "probably right", we ARE right. Get a newspaper TODAY and start looking for a new place and go LOOK at places THIS WEEKEND! I wouldn''t even stay there. Just leave. It''s HIS decision to leave the relationship so let HIM deal with the lease and its repercussions.

And yeah, counseling isn''t a bed of roses, people who go to counseling usually don''t like talking about their feelings, but that''s WHY you go - so you can learn to deal better with issues you''re having problems with in your life. That''s what counseling is all about.

I''m not going to post anymore on this thread until you move out. Not to be mean, but honestly, I have nothing more I can say until then.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Dixie...
I haven''t posted much lately but I thought about you a lot. I''m sorry for the pain that you''re in right now, but I have to agree that I''m not sorry you finally know this is over. It was not healthy or fair for you to be strung along through counseling, wondering ''what if'', and holding out hope for the future. I''m glad that you now realize this relationship was not meant to be. You need to move out and be done with this situation. Please find someone to stay with for a few days/weeks until you can find your own place for you and your son. You''ll never be able to move forward if you perpetuate this cycle by staying in the environment that hurts you so badly. If you need anything, please let me know. I can help you look for apartments, plan a mini gtg to get you out and having a little bit of fun, anything. And please don''t think of this as a mistake...it''s not a mistake if you learn from it. Pick yourself up and take charge of your life. You can do it!

 

[surfgirl]

Dixie, wow, if Irish Angel lives close to you, I''d take her up on her offer. Let someone help you find a new place ASAP. It''s obviously difficult for you but if you let someone help you, it might make the first steps easier!

 

[Mara]

dixie, of course you have the right to feel the way you do, that you were lied to, used, misled, whatever. i remember feeling like that too in the past. those are all completely valid feelings to have about what happened. you should definitely not tamp those down or try to push them aside. experience them.

but...brutal frankness...you mention you are afraid to leave because what if there was a chance and you left too early or similar. stop deluding yourself!!! you have been in that house with him how many months now since the discussion? has anything changed? you two getting along or having a good time is not the same as you two getting married and being on the same page. it is obvious he is making no progress towards what you wanted. maybe it's just easier for him to get along with you and be nice because it's less emotional. do you really think tomorrow or the next day he will wake up and change his mind again? not with you waiting like a faithful puppy for him.

the other gals have said it loud and clear. get out of that house. i seriously cannot even believe you are still there and that you are still flogging yourself on a daily basis with what SHOULDA COULDA WOULDA. it's NOT. especially not at the stage it's at now. maybe sometime in the future he will fix whatever he has broken and he might want a second chance. but that is no longer your problem.

you have to think of yourself, seriously. this whole thing makes me so angry...angry at you for putting up with this crap and angry at him for not being man enough to push you out because he's too selfish. i don't know what else anyone can really say. you will do what you want in the end, but i believe you need to just get out. line up your ducks and get moving!

 

[janinegirly]

I couldn''t agree more with mara and surfgirl''s posts. We''re starting to repeat ourselves. Please take action immediately for your own well-being (and your son''s!) and put an end to this neverending wallowing in "what if''s" and "how come" which are paralyzing you. It is very humiliating to stick around thinking well, "i''d rather have this (someone who has no interest in a future and is using me) than nothing."
I, too, think i will stop posting on this topic until you''ve taken concrete actions towards moving out asap. Good luck dixie, but you don''t really need luck--it''s all within your power and your choice. What comes about from this moment on will be direct results of the decisions you make now. I''m sorry to be so blunt, but it''s close to rock bottom and it''s not the time for friends or acquaintances to be enablers in this situation!

 

[risingsun]

Have a talk with him and let him know that you are leaving. In addition, you cannot afford to pay rent for two places at the same time. Under the circumstances, he will need to pay the rent on the place where he is living...this is now his problem, not yours. You were living with him with the expection of marriage and he changed his mind, now he needs to take some responsibility in this situation. You cannot continue to live together and it's time he contributed to a workable solution.

 

[Skippy123]

Dixie,
I have been following your story and I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for your son. This relationship is not healthy for him and probably very confusing in his eyes. You need to protect your son and move out. I know it is tough but if you can get away now, then little by little you will start to heal. Staying there just prolongs this torture for both you and your son. I feel you want someone to say "okay you have a lease so don''t leave," but none of us are going to say that. It is hard but you do have to leave and do what is best for you and your family (your son). Best wishes to move forward and a big hug. If you leave we all will be here for you; I know I will and then the healing process will begin!

 

[KimberlyH]

Hi Dixie,

I hope this message finds you well, or at least better than before. Did the weekend result in either of you making the necessary steps to move out?

~K

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Dixie:
I haven''t posted about your situation, as I really didn''t have any sage advice to offer you. The good gals here on PS have pretty much said it all...

Just wanted to pop on here and share a couple of lines from a book i''m currently reading:

...people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you''re fortunate enough. But that''s not how happiness works. Hapiness is the consequence of personal effort.

That last sentence really hit me. It made me think of you.

 

[akw94]

Hi ladies, thank you so much for the support you''ve shown me. I think about it a lot.

We have contacted the landlord. They are going to try and find someone to move in. I have started looking for places that are available. I have not moved out but once I find a place, I will.

Deco, thanks for your words. I feel like I am closing up inside vs. somehow learning to be more open but I have hope that will change in the future, after the move, after I can start to heal and see past all of this.

IG, I agree with the one day at a time methodology. I''ve been practicing it for months now and it''s what''s gotten me through this. I am still exercising and that does help. I have a great friend who keeps me going to the gym and I treasure that time. I''m trying not to isolate myself and my friends have been wonderful. I''m not really up to doing too much outside of work and working out but I''m trying to, little by little.

Janine, yes, he did open up to someone while he was away. Said it was just a friendship but then I learned it was more, how much more I don''t know. He said they weren''t physical but it doesn''t matter to me. It was cheating in my mind and he didn''t deny that. I do keep that in my mind a lot these days. It helps me to realize this is about him and someone who could do that while engaged is not who I want.

Surfgirl, I haven''t moved out yet but I am looking. I have accepted that I am moving and am moving fwd on that path. I know there''s no turning back.

Irish, thanks for being there. I do think I''d like to plan a mini-gtg pretty soon. I''m hoping that I''ll be able to move fairly soon as there''s a lot of places out there right now.

Mara, you are right. We are not on the same page and he even said something similar. Hanging out together doesn''t mean he wants to get married. I''m just the one that has hung on during this time, hoping he would somehow see what I see. But no longer. I''m not waiting for him. I am moving fwd b/c I must.

Risingsun, I did tell him that I''m starting to look at places and will tell him once I find something. I am trying right now to just focus on finding someplace new and I know our landlord is going to begin advertising for a new tenant.

Skippy, thanks for thinking of my son. He is a big reason why I started looking.

Kimberly, the weekend did bring some results and I am glad I am taking those steps to move. As I said, I haven''t moved yet but I know it''s coming.

ChargerGrrl, thanks for that quote. I like it a lot and may just post it somewhere to read on a regular basis.

Thanks again everyone. I know that you all won''t feel that my steps fwd are enough and that I should go ahead and move right this second but I am moving fwd. I am taking steps, and I will move. I''m not pushing this away any longer. If nothing else, I need to start healing so if it''s moving that will make that happen, I need that desperately so I''ve started the process.

 

[Erin]

I just wanted to add that while the ex and I were splitting up he moved away but I was left where "we" lived and I got through some of the tough healing because he wasn''t there. But really, when I got my own place is really when my ''independent woman'' confidence really made the biggest difference in my situation. By that time I was barely and I mean barely mourning a loss - how could I? I was too busy learning how to be me again. It''s a great, great time in your life. Look forward to it!

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

I''m glad you''ve at least got the ball rolling. People want you to move because it''s what''s best for you, not because it fits their timeframe, please keep that in mind. Your son deserves stability and you deserve the space and time necessary to heal and move forward without him.

Thinking of you,

K

 

[akw94]

Date: 11/6/2007 9:43:44 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Dixie,

I''m glad you''ve at least got the ball rolling. People want you to move because it''s what''s best for you, not because it fits their timeframe, please keep that in mind. Your son deserves stability and you deserve the space and time necessary to heal and move forward without him.

Thinking of you,

K

Kimberly,
I know that''s why everyone wants me to move. I understand that I need to move for me, not due to an external timeframe but it''s hard nonetheless. I just want everyone to know that I will get there and it''s hard b/c I don''t want people to feel disappointed in me but I''m not ready to leave unless it''s me moving into my own new place.. and I will.
I do appreciate the support and hope that you guys will still be around even though I haven''t moved out yet. I truly have taken steps to move, both mentally and physically.

Starset, I do look fwd to being me again. I know that I have lost some of that through all of this. It''s truly taken a toll on me but I want me back. I know that I can''t completely move fwd until I''ve moved out. Each step is just extremely painful but I''m taken the steps anyway. Thanks for writing.

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

You definitely have my support, and other PSers, we all just show it in different ways. Keep on truckin'' it will all work out, as long as you take control.

 

[Mara]

good for you dixie on starting to take action. the other ladies are right, when you are out of that house, the real healing will begin. and your son will be so much better off for it. just remember, the bottom line is that you will survive this!!! you are made of strong stuff, and before you know it, you won''t just be surviving....you''ll be loving every minute of your new life.

good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 11/6/2007 11:15:50 AM
Author: Mara
good for you dixie on starting to take action. the other ladies are right, when you are out of that house, the real healing will begin. and your son will be so much better off for it. just remember, the bottom line is that you will survive this!!! you are made of strong stuff, and before you know it, you won''t just be surviving....you''ll be loving every minute of your new life.

good luck and keep us posted.

I agree! Best wishes and lots of hugs for moving forward and doing this because you love yourself and your son!

 

[akw94]

Kimberly, Mara and Skippy, thank you. The support helps.

Yesterday wasn''t the easiest day. I feel very frustrated that I have to spend my time searching for places. My head is killing me. I just want to lie down and sleep but I still have to work, workout, be a mom and maintain some semblance of sanity. I find myself still wishing for what isn''t there but not as often. More often than not, I think of the reality now and staying busy enough so I don''t have much time to drown myself in my own thoughts.

Thanks again.. I''ll keep you updated as things progress.

 

[janinegirly]

it''s better to use your time for searching for places than wasting your time and energy on the past and on a man who has thought of nothing other than himself (and continues to do so). thats what would give me headaches!

you should embrace being exhausted from the searching--it''s something you''re doing for YOU and your son! keep it up and let us know how it goes..like i said, I found craigs list to be a great, quick n'' dirty resource--but that''s for urban areas (i think you''re around chicago). here''s to you being in your own space (phsycially and mentally) in 2008, and hopefully even sooner!

 

[risingsun]

Dixie~please don't worry about disappoiinting us! We want what is best for you! You are moving forward and that's taking a lot of courage. We're here to support you...and give a little push, now and then

We've seen how badly you and your son have been hurt and just want you to move beyond this place and time in your life.

 

[Independent Gal]

Craigslist helps, but I wonder if at this point it might be worthwhile to higher an apartment broker. I think it''s free for renters (the landlords pay them), and it will save you the searching.

Thinking of you!

 

[MoonWater]

Hi Dixie,

I haven''t followed your story but I do know (unfortunately) a lot about despair and being in a place you think you can never recover from. The more time passes, the better it will get as long as you want it to. I have seriously been in places where I couldn''t possibly imagine life being worthwhile and one day I woke up and was amazed. You just need to go through a mourning period (seriously, don''t hold it in, mourn!). What I typically do now is find something new to learn to enhance myself as a person. I would take classes, practice a hobbie, read about something I was always interested in but claimed not to have time before. Anything to teach myself something new. I would completely focus on myself and it would help tremendously. Incidentally, in the process you attract new and interesting people to yourself and it makes life more fullfilling.

Good luck working through everything. From what I''ve read here, it really does seem to be for the best.

 

[akw94]

Janine and IG, thanks for the suggestions regarding moving. I''m looking into all options right now so hopefully I''ll be able to make a decision on a place fairly soon.

Marian, thank you. I appreciate the support and the push. I''m truly looking fwd to finding some peace so I hope that this move will help to produce that.

MoonWater, I like the idea of a new hobby or something like that. I''ve always wanted to take up pottery so maybe I''ll go ahead and finally sign up for a class ... or something that keeps me occupied.

Thank you.

 

[labbielove]

Date: 11/9/2007 3:24:14 PM
Author: dixie94
Janine and IG, thanks for the suggestions regarding moving. I''m looking into all options right now so hopefully I''ll be able to make a decision on a place fairly soon.


Marian, thank you. I appreciate the support and the push. I''m truly looking fwd to finding some peace so I hope that this move will help to produce that.


MoonWater, I like the idea of a new hobby or something like that. I''ve always wanted to take up pottery so maybe I''ll go ahead and finally sign up for a class ... or something that keeps me occupied.


Thank you.

Dixie,
I''m so glad you are taking the steps necessary to take care of yourself. I''m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that the perfect space will become available for you and your son. I know you will feel so much more clarity when your home is just that -YOURS. And the pottery sounds like a wonderful idea, good luck with everything and keep us posted..

 

[akw94]

Date: 11/10/2007 1:06:51 PM
Author: labbielove
Dixie,

I''m so glad you are taking the steps necessary to take care of yourself. I''m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that the perfect space will become available for you and your son. I know you will feel so much more clarity when your home is just that -YOURS. And the pottery sounds like a wonderful idea, good luck with everything and keep us posted..

Labbie, just wanted to say thank you. Some moments are easier, some feel just the same but I am continuing on.