How much time to spend with the in-laws?

[gailrmv]

Just curious. Say that you and your spouse are a busy family with a new baby. Say that your spouse's parents are retired and live 2 hours away. What do you think is the "right amount" of time for the young family to spend with the in-laws?

Do you think the in-laws should offer to watch their grandchild on occasion?

Just curious what works for other families or what sounds reasonable to other people.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/5/2009 11:08:18 PM
Author:TanDogMom
Just curious. Say that you and your spouse are a busy family with a new baby. Say that your spouse's parents are retired and live 2 hours away. What do you think is the 'right amount' of time for the young family to spend with the in-laws?

Do you think the in-laws should offer to watch their grandchild on occasion?

Just curious what works for other families or what sounds reasonable to other people.

I think, it all depends on the In laws. Do you get along well, do you trust them with the baby?? We can't answer this question as we don't have enough background info... kwim??

I love my In laws. and they help with both of my SIL's kids. Mine are grown. But they still offer to help when needed... Gotta love that.

 

[Puppmom]

Tandog, my sister lives about an hour and a half away from my parents. My parents see her and her three children less than once a month. With a family, it really is hard to travel that distance in my opinion. If anyone EXPECTS you to, they''re probably a little unreasonable in their expectations. Shoot - my in-laws live 30 minutes away and it feels like a chore!

On your other point, I wouldn''t expect much babysitting help from family that lived that far either...unless you planned to leave the kids overnight or have them stay at your house overnight. Even then, I wouldn''t expect it often. Babysitting help general really depends on the type of relationship you have with them overall.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/5/2009 11:08:18 PM
Author:TanDogMom
What do you think is the ''right amount'' of time for the young family to spend with the in-laws?


Do you think the in-laws should offer to watch their grandchild on occasion?

My family lives 4 hrs away. We always make weekends out of our trips but visit every 3 months or so. Re: them offering to watch LO I think it depends on whether they are those kind of grandparents or not. We are visiting my mom this weekend. I have been able to go shopping for a few hours and we enjoyed a nice dinner together without DD. She pretty much shoved the pump at me and kicked us out of the house LOL. I didn''t expect anything and often times when she''s holding her I feel guilty and ask if she wants a break. I would feel weird if she didn''t at least offer though.

 

[gailrmv]

Thanks. Enjoying the replies so far.

A little background: We get along, as in we rarely argue, but as to genuinely enjoying each other's company? Some times yes, other times not as much. They adore their son - my husband - and I want to support that relationship. Do I trust them to babysit? Yes, absolutely. They are wonderful with my son. They don't offer, though. They enjoy spending time with him while we are right there. It would be so great if they said "why don't we all spend some time together, then we can watch the baby while you two go out to dinner/coffee/whatever." I think that would be great for everyone, but they haven't offered. I'd like to ask, but sometimes they can get offended in a passive-aggressive type way, and so it may not be worth the hassle to go there.

DH and I both want to see his parents about once a month. His parents want to see us a lot more often. They recently moved to their current location and haven't developed much of a routine or social network there. I feared this before they moved - that they would overly depend on us as their main social outlet - and it seems to be happening. I think a conversation is in order between DH and his parents and I don't think it is going to go well. DH really hates confrontation or arguing of any kind and usually avoids anything that might lead to conflict but I think it's time to say something.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m a dumdum. Just noticed it said inlaws. FIs mom lives 10 minutes away. When she visits she stays for HOURS. We had a bit of a fight because I started ignoring her calls. I could deal with and actually don''t mind 2hrs or so but she would sometimes stay for 8 hours straight which is a little much. She hasn''t really offered to babysit but I know that if I needed her to she would come in a heartbeat. Even though she drives me crazy I feel really lucky that DD has her in her life.

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 9/6/2009 12:13:38 AM
Author: fiery
I'm a dumdum. Just noticed it said inlaws. FIs mom lives 10 minutes away. When she visits she stays for HOURS. We had a bit of a fight because I started ignoring her calls. I could deal with and actually don't mind 2hrs or so but she would sometimes stay for 8 hours straight which is a little much. She hasn't really offered to babysit but I know that if I needed her to she would come in a heartbeat. Even though she drives me crazy I feel really lucky that DD has her in her life.

I don't know how to highlight but the bolded part is similar to how I feel. I do understand if my in-laws are going to make the drive they are going to stay the entire day. But sometimes 8+ hours can be long when you are already tired and when you know that both you and your DH have limited free time and a long list of chores that aren't getting done while "entertaining!"

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/6/2009 12:12:59 AM
Author: TanDogMom
Thanks. Enjoying the replies so far.

A little background: We get along, as in we rarely argue, but as to genuinely enjoying each other's company? Some times yes, other times not as much. They adore their son - my husband - and I want to support that relationship. Do I trust them to babysit? Yes, absolutely. They are wonderful with my son. They don't offer, though. They enjoy spending time with him while we are right there. It would be so great if they said 'why don't we all spend some time together, then we can watch the baby while you two go out to dinner/coffee/whatever.' I think that would be great for everyone, but they haven't offered. I'd like to ask, but sometimes they can get offended in a passive-aggressive type way, and so it may not be worth the hassle to go there.

DH and I both want to see his parents about once a month. His parents want to see us a lot more often. They recently moved to their current location and haven't developed much of a routine or social network there. I feared this before they moved - that they would overly depend on us as their main social outlet - and it seems to be happening. I think a conversation is in order between DH and his parents and I don't think it is going to go well. DH really hates confrontation or arguing of any kind and usually avoids anything that might lead to conflict but I think it's time to say something.

Ok having been down this road before, I will say. You should call your MIL and tell her how YOU feel. Your hubby can do the same, but I think it's important for you to voice what YOU would like with them....

You said they are passive agressive, gosh that is my biggest pet peeve, and had that with my MIL. But once I stood up to her, and told her how I feel. It was done with. We get along really well, and I count her as one of my dearest friends...

Thing is you are just starting out with your wonderful family and are trying to figure out how they will be involved.... Have a chat in person if possible and say what you want... They could very well react positively. Just set some boundaries as well... Since they don't have a socail network in place yet...

HTH, I feel for you. I had a rough road in the beginning, but it all worked out thank goodness.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

as little as possible...haha...just kidding...

My situation sounds similar except my ILs are 15 mins away. I have noticed neither one *offers* or *asks* to spend time with my DD or even with us for that matter. If we ask them they usual will though (though FIL refused on my birthday...kinda strange). I was talking to some friends and they said maybe my MIL is waiting to be asked. So I did say that if she wanted a set day/time to spend time with my DD just let me know and we can work it out. I do not except their lives to revolve around us but it would be nice to have some help once in awhile since they are the only family near us. I am expecting to see them once a week but again they are closer than your ILs. I can totally relate on the passive aggressive behavior. It is dysfunctional.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My in laws live 20 minutes away and my MIL is retired. She comes over 2x per week and watches Hunter for about 2 hours in the middle of the day so I can have a break, run some errends, or whatever. And we see them both about once a week. But I like them and they are really good to us so this seems like the right amount of visits.

I do think that it is "right" for grandparents to be very involved in their grandkids lives. Mine were and I know I benefitted from it. They have expeirence rasing kids and they can often provide insight into parenting etc. Of course, if they are a bad influence or caustic in any way, I think it is also fine to have limited contact. But since both of our sets of parents are generally pretty good people who are easy to spend time with, we like havign them around as much as possible.

 

[musey]

My in-laws live a 2.5-hour plane flight away. I wish they lived closer! We''d spend time with them all the time. I adore my in-laws.

We have no family within driving distance. I wonder if we''ll be more or less glad of that when the time comes for kids.

 

[Pandora II]

DH and I see all 3 sets about 2 or 3 times a year and other times for few hours if they come to London.

Our house is too small for anyone to stay and we are both one of four kids so the ''grandparents'' are more than happy.

Once a month seems more than filial duty to me!

Re babysitting - nice if they offer ...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Considering that I live with my IL''s I surprisingly don''t see much of them - especially FIL. We have separate areas of the house and will sometimes eat dinner together but that''s about it. MIL usually watches DS on her days off, and on those days I get DS up, changed, play and then she comes down and takes him while I get ready for work. DH and FIL have already left by then. On daycare days DH has been dropping of DS since I''m just starting to be able to carry him again and MIL leaves for work at 645am - when I''m about ready to get up. FIL works until around 7pm and MIL until around 8pm on days that she works (she''s an RN).

It is nice having MIL around to help with DS when we need it, but she''s pretty good at keeping the boundaries up. He is our child and we have 100% control of the decisions that are made for his care and well-being. We absolutely trust her with DS and she loves loves loves having him around. The other 4 grandkids live in Pittsburgh (4 hrs away) so she only sees them a few times a year.

Honestly, FIL has the personality of a wet paper bag and isn''t much into conversing about anything. He''s a nice person, but not overly compassionate if that makes sense. He hoards things (think 3 car garage filled with junk) and will have a hissy fit if he doesn''t agree with something. All in all I''d say we all get along pretty well. It could be a bit better, but on the other side it could be much worse.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Depends on one''s relationship with them. I don''t like mine, so I don''t go out of my way to associate with them (at least I no longer do). I would not leave an infant with anyone except my mom or a friend who understands how we do things. My in-laws just aren''t really baby friendly. They aren''t very hands on and I don''t trust them.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ll give you a little tip that may not be so applicable now because your daughter is still a baby.

When I was a toddler my dad''s parents lived an hour and a half away on a farm while we lived in the city. My parents drove out there twice a month on Sunday pretty much without fail. Now as an adult I realize my mom didn''t really look forward to hanging out with her MIL all that much.

You know what? Those are some of my happiest childhood memories. I loved my grandparents very much. As it happened, my grandpa died of heart disease when I was 5. I''m really glad I got to know him and had that time.

I''m going to encourage you guys to visit at least once or twice a month

 

[MustangGal]

We''re in a somewhat similar situation. Both sets of grandparents live 4 hours away from us, in the same city. We''ve been going out there every 2-3 months, and they each come here in between, so about once a month-every 2 months so far. I get along fine with the ILs, but when they visit I never really know what to do with them. They act bored, but doen''t really have any interests. Previous visits they didn''t really offer to watch the baby, but this last one I had MIL stay and watch him while DH, FIL, BIL and I all went to a movie. It would have been nice for DH and I to get out alone, but they didn''t seem inclined to do that. In a few weeks we are going to Palm Springs where they all live, and DH and I got a hotel for 1 of the 2 nights we''ll be there. We assigned my mom and MIL each a "baby watch shift", and they seem excited to have him.

For you, maybe simply ask? See if you can drive over to them, stay part of the day, and then go to dinner with DH? Just because they haven''t offered, doesn''t mean they aren''t willing.

 

[Camille]

My inlaws live 2 miles away, add to that: brother in law #1 1 block away, BIL#2 3 miles away. LOL
I don't hang out with them daily, just bring the children every other week or they come to us [2 hours] I'm Always welcoming/cordial because I want my children to remember me being tolerant. We all know 'nana' is a different breed but she's proud of my kids and they love her. That's all that matters to me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Is it odd that my FIL has lived hear us since April and has never asked us over (unless it is DH for labor), offered to babysit, have dinner etc? Reading this thread makes me realize DH and I are always the ones extending invitations.

 

[Jas12]

Assuming you like/get along well with them, i would think you would see them about once a month. If both my inlaws were retired i would also expect them to want to come up for a weekend and help out etc. (when the kids are old enough to be left overnight or you go away etc.) That''s just my opinion.

My son sees my FIL every morning -he comes over around 7am to say hi and discuss work plans with my DH (they work together). While on mat leave my MIL would be over 4-6 days a week (for a visit or for some short babysitting stints). Now that i am back at work my MIL takes my son full-time--and she loves it.
My son also sees my mom and my grandma on almost a daily basis and all other extended family a few times a week. My big, close family used to be annoying, but i really love how my kids will grow up with about a dozens loving adults that will be around them on almost a daily basis.

 

[swingirl]

I have adult kids and when they have little ones they better not expect me to come and help out. Being a grandparent doesn't mean you are now required or expected to be put to work. I want to be a grandparent to the grandchildren but not a maid and built-in free babysitter. When I invited my mother or MIL over to my house I treated them to a nice home-cooked meal, relaxing conversation, shopping trips if they needed anything and quality time with the grandkids. I waited for my mother and MIL to offer and never took their time for granted. Neither of them felt comfortable babysitting an infant. They loved hanging out with my kids but I paid a babysitter when I needed a night out.

We saw them several times a month. My mom would take the train and spend the weekend with us.

 

[Jas12]

swinggirl-- in response to the ''being put to work'' idea. I totally agree that generally it should not just be expected (esp the cleaning part), but i personally do expect the babysitting. I think it comes down to the type of family you have and how close you are to them (both relatiionship wise and geographically) . It would be bizzare in my family to invite the inlaws over for a formal dinner and i would never think of waiting for them to ask to spend time with the kids b/c that would literally be every single day. If anything, i have to avoid them so that i can get quiet family time. My parents and inlaws fully expect to be babysitters and compete which each other for this role. I don''t think my family is necessarily the norm, but it is what it is.

 

[janinegirly]

tacori: do we have the same IL's? haha.

I also have passive agressive IL's. It's annoying b/c my family is very supportive and all about actions rather than talk.

Both sets of parents live 1 hour away. We see my family all the time--my mom drives to us and watches my baby 3-4 days a week. I sometimes will go stay with her (and see the rest of my family) to give her a break. Holidays, I tend to want to see my family (since my mom does so much for us) and then go to IL's, etc. From the day the baby was born, my mom, sister (with dad more in background) have been my backbone, cooking, helping,etc. My daughter as a result sees them as 2nd sets of parents!

The IL's say alot of nice things, that they'd love to baby sit, see us more. But the follow up is never there even when we reach out. When we ask to set a time up for them to visit, someone doesn't feel well or there is a weak response. They were v. passive when the baby was born, no visiting, no cards, no gifts. Same at Xmas. Their house has no toys for the baby even though there have been plenty of grandkids before mine. It's started to have an effect on me. As time went on I leaned on my family more since it seemed I couldn't count on IL's..but it's not how I wanted it, I'd love to have them lighten the burden on my family AND also see their grand daughter more. The kicker though is they are now laying guilt trips on us (ME as the new wife) for not making more effots and including them. Did I say passive agressive?

So in a roundabout way of answering your question, we see them about 1x a month or less even though they are within 1-2 hrs away. Mostly it's big holidays. It should be more, but it's due to underlying issues I think. If anyone can relate to any of this, please chime in b/c I'm trying to figure out a way to keep things smooth without driving myself bonkers!

 

[VegasAngel]

2 hrs+ distance once a month maybe even longer.

MIL lives 5 minutes away. She spends every Sunday all day with my daughter, occasionally she will spend the night. She doesn''t have to, she chooses too. We spend time with FIL just about every Tuesday.

 

[gailrmv]

I really relate to Tacori's and Janine's experiences, and I wish my family (and DH's family) was close like Jas12's!!

For a long time DH and I were not sure whether we wanted to have children. My in laws badgered, badgered, badgered us about having them. Finally we decided we did want to have children and were so lucky to have DS! We love him to bits, and it is delightful being a parent. Like anything, though, it is hard being "on duty" 24/7. It is nice to have an occasional night out for date night. I think it's important for our relationship. It's also nice for me to have a couple hours here and there for alone time, and for DH to have the same.

I wish the in-laws would offer to watch DS once in a while when they are over spending the weekend with us. They have repeatedly told stories about friends who were being "taken advantage of" with constant babysitting requests. Because of how my inlaws can be sometimes, I don't want them to feel put-upon. it's just not worth it. After all, like swingirl said, it is not their responsibility to babysit. But it would be nice of them, like any time a family member or friend helps another. Plus, it would be valuable for them to have time with their only grandbaby and have a chance to bond with him. After years of badgering us about grandkids, I thought they would want to spend more time with him now that they have one.

Instead, we hire a babysitter once a month or so for us to have a date night, and we spend time together with the in-laws basically whenever they ask, at their convenience.

I'm just saying it would be more enjoyable to spend time with them if there weren't so many underlying issues, and if I felt like they were willing to help us out once in a while. We don't have any other family within driving distance, so the only breaks we get is if we hire a babysitter. I think my parents would babysit if they lived nearby. Since they don't, it's kind of a moot point.

Regardless, I will of course keep spending time with the ILs, because it is the right thing to do. I want all of us to have a good relationship with them. I just wish it were a little bit easier.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

swingirl, I would never think being a grandparent REQUIRES you to work/help with the child but being a family means helping each other out. My DH helps his parents with things ALL the time. I don''t think he is required to put up ceiling fans, tile their bathroom, put up blinds, etc but he likes to help his parents. In return it would be nice for them to want to help us. Healthy relationships have a give and take. When one party gives, gives, gives than it is easy to feel taken advantage of. Also I think *most* grandparents adore their grandchildren and usually WANT to spend time with them.

Janine, oh we need to talk girl! I can totally relate. My ILs are nice people but I do not do well with passive aggressive behaviors. I am realizing that dysfunction comes in many shades of gray. However with the subtle dysfunction it seems like the family members are blind to it. I need to put my issues with my FIL (in particular) behind me b/c I am only punishing myself. He seems no faults. So I need to work on me since I am the only one who seems to be willing to change.

Tandog, I am lucky that my family is very supportive and close but they live so far away. I realized long ago his family is NEVER going to be MY family. There is no unconditional love with his family. If there is I certainly don''t feel it! I totally agree that it would be *nice* for grandparents to offer once in awhile to help out.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/9/2009 9:35:37 AM
Author: Jas12
swinggirl-- in response to the ''being put to work'' idea. I totally agree that generally it should not just be expected (esp the cleaning part), but i personally do expect the babysitting. I think it comes down to the type of family you have and how close you are to them (both relatiionship wise and geographically) . It would be bizzare in my family to invite the inlaws over for a formal dinner and i would never think of waiting for them to ask to spend time with the kids b/c that would literally be every single day. If anything, i have to avoid them so that i can get quiet family time. My parents and inlaws fully expect to be babysitters and compete which each other for this role. I don''t think my family is necessarily the norm, but it is what it is.

+1.

My IL''s talked about babysitting as soon as I announced I was pregnant - and MIL has my son on her days off. If we lived closer to my parents (they are about 40 minutes away) then the baby-sitting duties would be more shared.

On the other hand, I do not expect MIL to clean or pick up our areas of the house and, likewise, when we move out I wouldn''t expect her (or my mom) to come over to spend time with DS and then clean my house, do my dishes and cook my dinner. That''s just not how we roll.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 9/6/2009 12:19:25 AM
Author: TanDogMom

I don't know how to highlight but the bolded part is similar to how I feel. I do understand if my in-laws are going to make the drive they are going to stay the entire day. But sometimes 8+ hours can be long when you are already tired and when you know that both you and your DH have limited free time and a long list of chores that aren't getting done while 'entertaining!'

I don't have kids so I can't really answer your original question, but I did want to comment on the highlighted bit. When we visit FMIL, FI almost always helps her with things around the house and I've run an errand or two. When my parents visit us, my mom often helps me clean or get things done. When it comes to family, I guess I'm of the opinion that you don't really need to "entertain" them the way you would with regular guests (especially if they come over frequently; if it's once a year that might be a different thing). If anything, I would say "Hey in-laws, DH and I need to get a bunch of things done today. Would you like to watch the LO while we do some chores/errands?" They're probably visiting to see you guys, but also very much to see their grandchild and they would probably love the chance to spend a few hours of one-on-one time.

ETA: Reading through my post I realize that my advice only applies if you have a fairly open relationship with your in-laws. If you think they might react negatively to visiting and then being asked to babysit for a few hours (or to be left alone instead of entertained) then ignore my advice

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 9/9/2009 3:16:39 PM
Author: elrohwen

Date: 9/6/2009 12:19:25 AM

Author: TanDogMom


I don''t know how to highlight but the bolded part is similar to how I feel. I do understand if my in-laws are going to make the drive they are going to stay the entire day. But sometimes 8+ hours can be long when you are already tired and when you know that both you and your DH have limited free time and a long list of chores that aren''t getting done while ''entertaining!''

I don''t have kids so I can''t really answer your original question, but I did want to comment on the highlighted bit. When we visit FMIL, FI almost always helps her with things around the house and I''ve run an errand or two. When my parents visit us, my mom often helps me clean or get things done. When it comes to family, I guess I''m of the opinion that you don''t really need to ''entertain'' them the way you would with regular guests (especially if they come over frequently; if it''s once a year that might be a different thing). If anything, I would say ''Hey in-laws, DH and I need to get a bunch of things done today. Would you like to watch the LO while we do some chores/errands?'' They''re probably visiting to see you guys, but also very much to see their grandchild and they would probably love the chance to spend a few hours of one-on-one time.


ETA: Reading through my post I realize that my advice only applies if you have a fairly open relationship with your in-laws. If you think they might react negatively to visiting and then being asked to babysit for a few hours (or to be left alone instead of entertained) then ignore my advice

El,
THat is exactly what I am saying I would LIKE from my inlaws. They act put-upon when we ask for this type of thing. I''ve put less effort into ''entertaining'' though. I used to go to a lot of effort for their visits, but now that they come over a lot more and I have less time, I don''t make elaborate meals or obsess about cleaning anymore.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 9/9/2009 4:51:48 PM
Author: TanDogMom

El,
THat is exactly what I am saying I would LIKE from my inlaws. They act put-upon when we ask for this type of thing. I''ve put less effort into ''entertaining'' though. I used to go to a lot of effort for their visits, but now that they come over a lot more and I have less time, I don''t make elaborate meals or obsess about cleaning anymore.

That''s really a shame that they want to come over, take up your time, and expect you to entertain them

That would frustate anybody for sure. Has your DH had a talk with them just to see how they feel about things? I''m all about having the husband talk to his own parents first and letting him deal with them.

 

[brooklyngirl]

TanDogMom, it is quite the shame about your in laws.

It really rubs me the wrong way when parents visit their adult children with little ones, and expect to be entertained and catered to the whole time. It's a real shame when parents are able to help their children, but are unwilling to do so, and instead take up more of the time their children don't have by visiting and expecting to be entertained the entire time.

Perhaps it's just how I grew up, but it baffles me how some people have no desire to help their family. In my family, every grandparent, great-grandparent, uncle, and aunt, has had a hand in raising the family's children. It's been that way for generations. My sister's children are watched every day by one of their grandparents, and on most weeks stay overnight at least once. They cook their meals, help with homework, monitor piano practice, discipline them as they see fit, and anything else that their own parents would do. When I visit my family I cook, clean, and babysit for my sister and my BFF as much as I can squeeze in on any particular visit. I am not put upon to do any of these things, in fact I love doing them because I see that my family is benefitting from them. I suspect my mom, and my grandmother feel the same way about their contributions to raising their grandchildren, and in my grandma's case, great-grandchildren.

When I have children, I expect my parents/in-laws to babysit during visits because they should WANT to spend time with their grandchildren. I know how my parents are, but I'm not sure how my in laws are in this regard. However, if they show that they are put upon if asked to watch my kids, you can be sure those visits will be a lot less frequent, because when you visit your family, you should act like a member of it. JMHO.

*edited for grammar.