How do you spot a fledgling alcoholic?

[galeteia]

I''m hoping ladykemma can weigh in on this, but I''d appreciate hearing the experiences/thoughts of anyone who has experience with loved ones who are addicts, or in danger of becoming one.

My father was an alocholic, but as my parents were divorced and he never bothered to see me much, I was oblivious until I was 13. Then when things fell into place, and I haven''t spoken to him since in 13 years.

So I''m pretty jumpy about alcoholism in general. I have a friend (early 30''s) who drinks like a fish because she just loves the taste of alcohol, but I never worry about her. A good scotch is pure bliss to her. She experiences no temperment change when she drinks, and prefers to be with company so it''s a social thing. And she rarely gets ''drunk''. So I''m quite comfortable around her and don''t feel she has a ''problem''.

But.

I am worried about someone else who, although they don''t drink anywhere near the volume that my friend does, seems to be doing it from a totally different place. They struggle with alarming dark moods on a daily basis, and drink to try to deal with it because the issue is long past and unchangeable. (I could write a page about how they are utterly deluded about their issue, but that''s aside from the point.) Predictably, the drinking does NOT help, and they end up turning into a complete jackass when they are drunk. It''s shades of my dad all over again, so I can''t tell if I am just overreacting based on my own past experiences.

The problem here is not the amount of alcohol consumed, it''s the reasons for why they drink and the change they undergo when they have been drinking. Doesn''t even have to be ''drunk''; a drink or two will bring Hyde out.

They don''t have the resources to see a therapist for the issue, and essentially they have only myself and another friend who are close enough to offer any help. I''ve talked at length with the other friend, and we agree that the situation is alarming. Leaning on the bottle does no good.

So my question is how can you spot when someone is taking the first steps towards alocholism? It''s hard to confront someone for having ''a drinking problem'' when they don''t really drink that much.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

 

[ladykemma]

my first thought is: AA is free. it doesn''t cost anything but the willingness to get off the couch or the barstool and go.

Is your friend drinking to self medicate anxiety or depression? to control bi-polar, very common. perhaps PTSD? in these cases one will get better quicker if one does AA in conjunction with a therapist.

in my case it was to self medicate PTSD, but i didn''t know that until i got sober.

personality change when drinking is a grave sign.

 

[AGBF]

There is a saying that no one joins AA because he needs to; that people who join do so only because they want to. (That doesn''t mean that no one comes in kicking and screaming and later learns to "want to" be there!)

We have very limited control over most of the people in our lives except our very young children. All we can do is to "plant a seed" with them. If you can plant the seed that AA and therapy are available tools, I think you will have done your friend a service. Therapy may not be a bad place to start. She seems to have some psychological problems. A decent therapist would, besides helping her, also point her towards AA if she continued to drink.

Friend #1 sounds like a great candidate for AA minus the therapy, however! If she doesn''t want it and doesn''t need it now, at least she will know it is there if she is still drinking this way 10, 20, or 30 years from now.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 8/26/2006 4:01:03 PM
Author:Galateia
It's hard to confront someone for having 'a drinking problem' when they don't really drink that much.

If you are going to tackle the subject, you have to tackle it. You must use some tact, but obviously you are confronting your friend. I would say that although I have never seen her drunk, that I have been worried at how she changes when she drinks, that she becomes angry (or withdrawn or whatever). I would suggest that alcohol loosens her social inhibitions and allows her to express feelings she otherwise might not and that I am therefore wondering whether she is carrying around a lot of feelings that she isn't in touch with most of the time (i.e. when she isn't drinking). I would tell her that holding in all those feelings is not healthy and that I wonder if she might be helped by talking with someone, a professional who could help her.

Deb

 

[MissCongeniality]

I come from a family with many alcoholics, my grandparents and great grandparents were alcohlics, my brother is an active alcoholic, and my uncle is a recovering alcoholic. And my last boyfriend was an alcoholic. I understand the devestation and how tough it is to watch people you love destroy themselves.

I honestly dont think you should do anything about the situation - that is to say, it is NOT up to us to decide if they are alcoholics...it is a decision the drinker must come to himself. I know that we can sit here and think that they are alchies all we want...(and they probably are) but its that very mindset that we have to change in ourselves. We can tell ourselves that they have a drinking problem until we''re blue in the face...but when its all said and done, they have to want to stop drinking. We cant make them see it. They have to reach that conclusion on their own.

After going to Al Anon meetings...I have figured out that enabling doesnt help them. Dont buy their beer, dont count how many they have, dont pour beer down the sink, dont worry about if they are driving drunk and nobody will help them get in the door and get to bed. Dont make them eat something if they are drinking heavily, just to keep them alive. We cant do any of that. We have to carry on and have fulfilling lives despite their drinking. The sooner they have to deal with the consequences of their problems (loss of relationships, job troubles, legal issues) the sooner they figure out they need help and seek it on their own.

I would not do an intervention of grandiose proportions. I think the best thing you can say to somebody who has a drinking problem is to let them know that you are ''concerned'' about their drinking and tell them that help is available if they should choose it. That is pretty much all you can do. Plant the seed and hope one day they figure it out. That is what I learned in Al Anon.

I watched my uncle drink his life away...he was 42 I think when he finally got sober. He is barely able to function now, and he''s 66 I believe. The damage done to his brain is beyond description. It is so sad, he is single, never married, no children, no great job or career. His goal in life is to get through the day without having a drink. He doesnt live life...he is barely surviving. But at least he is sober. My brother is also an alcoholic, an active drinker. It is terrible. I see him infrequently, because he is on so many binges...he resurfaces from time to time. It is scary. Sometimes I think he''s dead because I havent heard from him in so long. You are pretty much powerless in all of this. You learn to kind of turn off that emotional part - you dont stop loving...but you detach emotionally a bit and it really helps you deal with the drinking so that you arent affected as much by it any more. You cant control their drinking, but you CAN control how you react. And you learn how to do that in Al Anon.

Hope this helps. My heart goes out to you --- I understand well how you feel.

 

[MINE!!]

The first step toward alcoholism starts with the first drink.

Not everyone has a problem with alcohol when they drink, but some do. The only thing I find ironic is this world about alcoholism, is that those who really know what t feels like to be a vicitim of an alcoholic still incorps alcohol in their own lives.

But that comment is not directed toward you. It was just a general comment.

But, as I am sure that you know, as a child of an alcoholic, there is nothing that anyone can do for your friend. You cannot convince someone that they have a problem. They have to discover and beleive it for themselves. You can warn them, but don;t be upset or frustrated when they do not listen.

I have found, in my life, that I have unfortuntely been involved (freind wise) with people who are alcoholics or those that will become so. For some reason, I could not seem to bask it in my head that there was nothing that I could do. It is a ACA problem. We think we can change things if we try a little harder.

Now, I have realized that there is nothing that I can do and I try not to take a personal investment iin anything that has to do with it. But I know that it is difficult to do, and it may sound harsh. YOu can be there for your freind, but protect the person within. This is a dangerous situation for an ACA who has been affected adversely by this poison.

Good Luck!

 

[perry]

Being an alcoholic has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol consumed. It has everything to do with when and why it is consumed.

As one who has tried to help a number of people - I agree with MissCongeniality: Let them know that you are concerned; mention that there is help available if they want it, and I''d go one step further - in offering to get them to that help (or accompany them) if they would like a little help in the process.

My father is an alcoholic - not that he will ever admit it; and I have tried to help 4 people with this in my life; I regret not a single thing or degree of effort that I have expended in supporting them or introducing them to help.

Unfortunately; it is up to them on if they want help, are willing to be helped, or willing to change. Some people just want attention.

Of the 4 people I have tried to help; zero success in the end.

On the other hand. I know at least a half dozen people who have admitted their problems and learned to avoid alcohol. Some through AA, others throough other paths.

So I know it can be done. However, I know how little influence I have on another.

Perry