How do you react to this...

[dawnabee]

My BF and I have decided together that its time for us to get engaged sometime this year and Saturday we are going to the jewelry store to pick out and order the setting. OK that said... how do you react when his family can''t accept the fact or support him in this decision?? He wont tell them we are going because they won''t give positive feedback. They think its too soon.. we are 25 and been together for a little over a yr but were best freinds for a couple years before that. I understand the worry but can''t you just be happy for your son or brother? I get so upset because we are all pretty close and obviously this hurts my feelings that they try to influence his choices and sometimes they do which causes tiny problems here and there. We both feel secure and safe that we are on the right track how we want to be and I know thats what counts but I can''t ignore the sad feeling at not having happy feedback from loved ones.


What would you think/feel about this or do you have a similar situation?

 

[Nomsdeplume]

That''s a tough one... I would obviously want them to approve. I also understand that though they are probably happy for him, they also don''t want him to rush into the biggest decision of his life. You want to give your marriage the best chance of success and maybe to them that means time? Have you given thought to maybe having a long engagement and discussing this with his family?

 

[legallyspoiled]

Hmmmm. It seems like they like you. They just aren''t too keen on the idea of you guys getting married "so young." Just be yourself. Enjoy your boyfriend and enjoy his family. If you can, be extra sweet...without being phony. With time, they will come around.

 

[luckynumber]

families, gawd!

can''t live with ''em, can''t murder ''em......

 

[HappyNewLife]

I''ve gotten to the point in my life where I just don''t care what people think anymore. It took a major lifestyle change and losing some friends to come to this place, but I''m much, MUCH happier now that I''m living my life for ME. I think you should just kill your family with kindness. Don''t let their rain ruin your parade. Gush over your ring, your plans, your future and it will either be contageous (and yay) or not (boo--- but whatever, it''s YOUR life!). Enjoy this time, it''s so exciting!

(btw, I haven''t told anyone but this message board about my plans to propose because I just don''t care what people in my life think-- I''m doing this for me and her only)

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/22/2010 12:29:20 PM
Author: luckynumber
families, gawd!

can''t live with ''em, can''t murder ''em......

Yep, that''s how I''m feeling right now.

I''m not a LIW anymore, we''re actually getting married in 4 days .. and some people still can''t even pretend to be happy about it. Just yesterday, I almost burst into tears after I read an email my mom sent me.

I''m sorry to say, it won''t change. Those people that can''t be happy for you now, will not be happy for you later.

You really just need to focus on your future fiance, your relationship, and the rest of your lives together. Friends, and unfortunately sometimes even family members, will come and go, but your fiance/husband will be the person who is there for you through everything.

Good luck, hun!

 

[MayFlowers]

Date: 4/22/2010 12:47:58 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 4/22/2010 12:29:20 PM

Author: luckynumber

families, gawd!


can''t live with ''em, can''t murder ''em......

Yep, that''s how I''m feeling right now.


I''m not a LIW anymore, we''re actually getting married in 4 days .. and some people still can''t even pretend to be happy about it. Just yesterday, I almost burst into tears after I read an email my mom sent me.


I''m sorry to say, it won''t change. Those people that can''t be happy for you now, will not be happy for you later.


You really just need to focus on your future fiance, your relationship, and the rest of your lives together. Friends, and unfortunately sometimes even family members, will come and go, but your fiance/husband will be the person who is there for you through everything.


Good luck, hun!

Congrats lilyfoot!!

But I want to also ditto lilyfoot''s post. I definitely know how it feels to not have a family member''s approval and it can be tough, but don''t let it affect you and your FF. My mother still isn''t completely on board with me and my BF being together and we have been together for over three years! She is the only one who still has a problem and I have basically just accepted it. I''m going to be happy with BF for the rest of my life whether she has a problem with it or not.

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Congrats Lilyfoot!!!

@ the OP, I''m 31 and FI is almost 34 and divorced. We were long distance until earlier this year, and his grandparents & some other family members had comments about him moving away to "be with that girl". And its "too soon" after his dovrce (which was nearly 3 years ago after a 2 year separation...) I''ve only had positive interactions with them so yes, my feelings were hurt.

My parents have been married 36 years and only in the last 10 have my moms relationships with her sis-in laws really improved. When they first got married, she was trying to "take him away from his family".

With FI''s family, I think their biggest issue is he''s SUPER nurturing. He''s the go-to guy for everything; and he''s not there for them to lean on for every friggin thing under the sun.

When we announced our engagement, there were quiet murmurs of "congratulations". And you know what? I don''t care anymore. Love it or hate it, we''re going to be together forever.

So...try not to sweat it!

 

[beezygal]

congrats lilyfoot!!!

Dawn... like you said, you guys is most likely gonna have a long engagement. Tell his family that you guys are committed.. that''s why you''re getting engaged... and marry later.. maybe.. in a few years... is your bf the only son? sometimes... the mom might feel like she''s losing his son and you''re replacing her. One of my gf''s bf''s mom is like that.. they HATE each other.

 

[dawnabee]

Glad to hear all your replies (well not too glad bc mostly its family upheaval lol) I applaud you all for dealing with these problems too!

Kribbie- I do want the approval of his mom/sis who are the ones that are not so thrilled... we are waiting till 2012 for marriage so that should be appeasing in the long run

I know the reasons for why they want us to wait and personally I think its more selfish than anything. i mean my moms on her own and she is super happy for us. His family know we belong together but they dont want to relinquish their hold on my BF since he is like a caretaker. The sister has been with her guy for 3+ yrs and is still LIW so she doesnt want her younger brother engaged before her no matter how much she likes me and his mom doesnt want both of her children to grow up and do there own thing bc she is probably afraid they will leave her in the dust (which would never ever happen). Its understandable but I hope it passes..

Lilyfoot-Sorry its so close to your wedding and your mom still cant accept your marriage, its really unfair I think because I like to be happy for everyone with what they choose. Focusing on us and that we believe in eachother is def most important right now

Lucky#- lmao... if only... jk

FutureMrs- Right on... My BF is super nurturing and this is the problem... the mother and sister both lean towards him for everything. Sometimes it drives me nuts but we''ve come a long way from that since the beginning and I know I''m his first priority. Hence why we are going through with what we want and "trying" not to let their opinions bother us.

It helps to let it all out here!! Wooosahhh I''ll try to just accept the way it is for now and hope it''ll grow on them because its going to happen and mannn ohhh mannn I am excited above all!!

 

[luckynumber]

start threadjack/


congrats lillyfoot!! can''t wait to see your wedding pics

/end threadjack

 

[dawnabee]

Date: 4/22/2010 1:47:48 PM
Author: beezygal
congrats lilyfoot!!!

Dawn... like you said, you guys is most likely gonna have a long engagement. Tell his family that you guys are committed.. that''s why you''re getting engaged... and marry later.. maybe.. in a few years... is your bf the only son? sometimes... the mom might feel like she''s losing his son and you''re replacing her. One of my gf''s bf''s mom is like that.. they HATE each other.

Yess Bezzy this is exactly it... she is on the ball with our plans but she isnt exactly "thrilled" and I know this is why... bc he is her baby. In the beginning it was a problem even if we wanted to go out to dinner one night and she was cooking she would get upset with him. I had to put my foot down and its been good ever since and we get along well so I feel bad saying these negative things. But it is time for them to let go

 

[beezygal]

Date: 4/22/2010 1:55:44 PM
Author: dawnabee

Date: 4/22/2010 1:47:48 PM
Author: beezygal
congrats lilyfoot!!!

Dawn... like you said, you guys is most likely gonna have a long engagement. Tell his family that you guys are committed.. that''s why you''re getting engaged... and marry later.. maybe.. in a few years... is your bf the only son? sometimes... the mom might feel like she''s losing his son and you''re replacing her. One of my gf''s bf''s mom is like that.. they HATE each other.

Yess Bezzy this is exactly it... she is on the ball with our plans but she isnt exactly ''thrilled'' and I know this is why... bc he is her baby. In the beginning it was a problem even if we wanted to go out to dinner one night and she was cooking she would get upset with him. I had to put my foot down and its been good ever since and we get along well so I feel bad saying these negative things. But it is time for them to let go

sigh... I guess... we kinda understand why the mom is like that. She''s been with the son the last 25 years.. of course.. she''ll feel this way. It seems like "you guys are too early to get married" is not the REAL problem anymore. Even though you guys are 40... I think she''ll still be like that. She just needs to get used to it.. and face reality. At least she likes you. Let it easy.

speaking of which.... my bf is also the only son, and the youngest (he has an older sister who doesn''t believe in marriage)... his parents don''t know about us getting a ring and stuff... I hope we''ll be alright.. *gulp*

 

[blacksand]

I''m sorry to say, it won''t change. Those people that can''t be happy for you now, will not be happy for you later.

lilyfoot, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! And I''m sorry it seems you don''t have the support of all your loved ones.

That said, I''m not sure I agree that they''ll never come around, dawnabee. Especially given the reasons you mentioned (mom doesn''t want to let go, sister doesn''t want to see little brother get engaged first). These are things that will smart for a while for sure, but if they really like you, I''m sure they will accept it in time. Since you''re planning a long engagement, that should ease their minds some, and give you all plenty of time to smooth out any wrinkles in your relationship. I know I have personally objected to some of my friend''s engagements. In particular, a cousin of mine got engaged [what I thought was] entirely too quickly to a guy none of us really knew and moved to another state to be with him. She got engaged just days before her older brother was planning to propose to his girlfriend, which I don''t think she knew, but it still seemed just so convenient. I really did not approve of the relationship or the engagement. Then I had a chance to spend some time with her and her fiance. Honestly, I wanted not to like him. But he was great. Such a nice guy. And she was so tangibly happy that it was impossible not to be happy for her. In the end, they had a beautiful wedding. I was her maid of honor. They have a great relationship and seem made for each other. Her brother broke up with his girlfriend, so it''s a good thing she didn''t wait for them to get engaged first. I guess my point is...if they are good people, who love him and like you, and you and he are good together, they will eventually see that. It would be hard not to.

 

[LadyJane83]

Family dynamics can be tough. Sorry you''re going through this

I don''t think your BF has to tell his parents about the ring shopping, provided he will tell them when you are officially engaged and will stand up for you and your relationship. I wouldn''t put off a wedding until 2012 just to appease them either.

If you are going to be married, your BF should put you before his family. I''m not saying that he isn''t doing that, but it sounds like he is being pulled in both directions since his mother and sister are a bit needy. He needs to make clear to them that you are his first priority.

 

[Natylad]

Date: 4/22/2010 12:29:20 PM
Author: luckynumber
families, gawd!

can''t live with ''em, can''t murder ''em......

He, he, he!

Ditto girl!!!

 

[dawnabee]

Thanks LadyJane!

Today was disappointing anyway with or without his family approval sometimes things just don''t work out well.
We went to the jewelery place we want to get the setting from but weren''t able to purchase the setting without the diamond dimensions. I didn''t know we needed them so I just felt embarrassed

and I didnt feel like trying other ones on at that point so we left. Who knows when BF will decide to buy the diamond so now I''m just at a loss and stuck waiting... I guess it will get better soon

 

[PumpkinPie]

Dawn - I''m sorry you''re going through this - sounds so frustrating

 

[dawnabee]

Thanks Maevie it does get frustrating but I know its all part of life and relationships. I find that somedays its harder than others to ignore unpleasant things.

 

[legallyspoiled]

I hate that you gave up and stopped trying on settings!

I totally get being disappointed about it though. Next time, just go and eat some ice cream. It will make you feel better!

 

[dawnabee]

I know I shouldn''t have gotten so defeated but I''m fine now.. I am comfortable knowing that the ring will look delicate enough on my finger and I really love the setting I chose online.


Mmmm ice cream!