How do you know he''s a rebound?

[Erin]

New guy is awesome.
I previously dated a guy for almost six years. He was with her for almost 18 years.
I went on a few dates with a different nice guy but no spark - maybe three dates.
This new guy though, we''re inseperable.

His ex dissapointed him - they were unhappy.
My ex dissapointed me - we were unhappy.

Now in the midst of everything fun and new and ''firsts'' it just seems so easy.
We''ve been together for almost three months.
How can I tell if what is going on is real or we just like each other so much because we are so unlike the EX-factor?
Are there any tell-tale signs?

 

[Independent Gal]

For what it''s worth, here''s how I think you can tell if it''s healthy or not.

1) Is either of you still in love? E.g., do you talk about the ex a lot? think about them a lot?
2) Is either of you seriously hurt and not had time to deal with it yet, or is it mostly a feeling of ''good riddance! glad that''s over!''

If you''re both over the other person, then I think you''re fine. I know plenty of GREAT relationships that began soon after another one broke up, but they all seem to share this characteristic: that the previous relationship was already dead and mourned, and the breakup was a sort of technicality after the fact. Know what I mean?

On the other hand, I once went out with a guy who''d recently broken up with a woman and he swore up and down he was ready to date. She called while we were on our date and he answered ''Hi Sweety!'' with his voice full of love. I was like WHOA! And made a joke about it. He got hugely defensive, claiming it was no big deal. It was hilarious, but only because it was a first date. Never went out with HIM again. That''s for sure.

If you''re having fun and it feels healthy and constructive, GO FOR IT!

 

[janinegirly]

i think some things to look for:

*is the disappointment with ex''s the main thing you guys have in common?
*does one or the other talk/refer to the ex a lot? (especially negatively)
*how much time has passed since each of you have been with the ex?
*do either of you stay in contact with the ex and is there any left over drama?

 

[Erin]

We are both in a - the relationship was dead for a long time before the technical break-up/divorce.
We each talk about the exes because we having been mirroring parallel situations with the exes wanting us back the same weekend. Weird but theraputic to talk about how we both feel bad for our exes but then just look at each other and smile with sort of an understanding - no way THIS is what makes me happy

His divorce was final last fall and my ex moved out in Oct but it was official around Xmas time.
He will always have constant contact with her because of the kids.
I''ve recently had a lot of contact with mine because of the move out and separation of ''assets.''

I guess I bring this up because now there is no ''shoulder to cry on'' hidden agenda which could fuel why we need each other and the funny thing is I think he''s been waiting on my clean break to really start investing.

I think that''s a great thing and I''m all for it. Just want to make sure I don''t get hurt or he doesn''t get hurt because I didn''t think it through and got too wrapped up in the excitement of NEW.

Thanks girls!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

By your previous post, it would seem that you are happier knowing you are no longer with the EX. He was holding you back and you life paths were not in the same direction. I would say that if you can sit back and remove the rose tinted glasses for a moment and re-evaluate the new guy and he is still all you perceive then *woo hoo* I am so happy for you.

My Gramma used to tell me two things...

1. If in doubt, don''t
2. If it''s too good to be true, it probably is...

my 2 cents....


GOOD LUCK

 

[janinegirly]

well in my opinion it does sound like a rebound relationship for both of you, but in a healthy way if that makes any sense. Meaning you both are still dealing with the fall out from the ex-relationships, but also were the ones who initiated the end to them. Plus it seems like there has been at least several months in between relationships when neither of you dated anyone (ie had some time to heal and be a whole invidual again..rather than just find someone to fill the hole).

your ex must be having a hard time dealing with you having such a happy new relationship, but his loss! i think you sound very happy, so go with it. I think the only way to tell if this is "real" is time and taking it slow

 

[Mara]

for me..TIME will tell on whether it's a rebound relationship. you sound happy and like this is fun and easy which just might be what you really need right now and same for him. it could be starting out as a rebound but maybe as time goes on it could develop into something more. i would just kick back and relax and ENJOY what you have found!! it's been 3 months, so still in the honeymoon phase but in another 6 months if things are just as fabulous OR even better if you guys have had a few bumps but managed to come back out of them stronger then you will know more definitively how to categorize the relationship. but right now i don't see any huge red flags to say 'don't continue with it'....it sounds like you are enjoying each other and having a good time and that could really be enough for right now. don't rush into anything but don't overthink it either.

the one thing i would say is within about a year of being together, if you don't really feel as though you can say defintively that you really love this man and could potentially see a future with him, and he feels similarly, then cut the tie and leave. you don't want to find yourself in that same situation you were in previously with waiting to see on things. i tend to believe that within a year or so of a relationship where both are spending a fair amount of time together and information and personalities are shared freely then you will most likely KNOW if you can see yourself with that person long term and if so, in what aspect. if you don't feel that certainty within a year or max year and a half, i'd say it might not ever come, so don't wait too long. with my ex i was always 'unsure' about how i felt about the future and i kept trying to convince myself i could see us but i really couldn't and i just wasn't paying attn. with greg i felt sure within a year and a half of us dating (and a breakup after a year for 2 months then getting back together) that this was the man for me long-term...and where i could not see that with my ex, i saw it bright and clear with greg once we had been through a few bumps and come back stronger.

but for now just have fun! and kudos woman for getting out there and finding someone you can enjoy and realizing that it doesn't have to be HARD! relationships do take work yes, and marriages even more work, but it should still be fun and exciting and all of those positive things that make it continuously worth it to work at it. enjoy.

 

[Pandora II]

IMO good relationships are EASY. FI still says to me that he didn''t think it could be so comfortable and effortless being with someone. Neither of us are easy people, but we just click. Sounds like you two do too!

The kids issue is one you really need to be sure about. I dated a guy with a 5 year old daughter, he wasn''t too good at being mature (even if he was 12 years older than me - I was 2 and it finished me for men with kids for good. Will you be able to stand the ex always being in his life? Does he parent in a responsible manner? Will you be able to handle never being a family unit - but being spread out? Will you be able to handle the limitations his kids will put on your potential family - hard to decide to go and try out life in Europe, or take that amazing job in Australia if he''s got to see the kids every other week?

These may all be things you have thought out or don''t have a problem with, but if not they need to be considered sooner rather than before you are in too deep.

It doesn''t sound like rebound to me. A book I found really good for evaluating my relationships was "Is he the One for Me", which made me thrash out on paper what I was looking for in a man and then sees whether what you have matches up - and shows you the good and bad areas. Might be a good one if you want to check you''re not wearing rose-tinted glasses!

 

[Erin]

Good thought provoking points everyone!

Pandora - The kids thing, kinda my flag and kinda his flag.

For me, I wouldn''t have chosen to marry a divorced guy with kids. Of course the exwife just found out that #1 he''s dating and #2 he''s dating me (we''ve casually met twice about two/three years ago) and she''s just the type to think I''m four and five letter words. Remember I moved to a very small town. It''s just one giant hair salon. But I''m mature enough to know the limitations on being around someone else''s children and yet still be influential.

For him, he knows I don''t have children and very much so want them. He''s not opposed to having more, he''s afraid how his boys would feel about him having more.

My best friend is a first time wife and mom with a guy on his second time around. I hear her stories and never envy her.

 

[mrssalvo]

My hubby has 2 kids from a previous marriage and the ex wife lives 5 minutes away. We all actually get along really well, but hubby and his ex made themselves get along for the sake of their kids. so, marrying someone with kids isn''t always horrible and many times can blend pretty well. Hubby and I also have 2 little girls of our own and his big kids ADORE them and totally miss seeing them if more than a few days go by and they don''t come over. Definitely weigh out your heart and mind on the issue though b/c kids and ex wife do bring in an entirely different element to the relationship that wouldn''t be there with someone who had never been married or was childless. our first year of marriage was very difficult for me as I adjusted to all of that.