How do I phrase it?

[ammayernyc]

Hi all. I''m getting ready to have ''the talk'' with my bf about when he is going to propose. We have been dating for over three years, living together for five months and started looking at rings about two months ago.

I was just wondering how other people approached the conversation?

We have a wedding in two weeks, and I feel like that is the right time. My bf is a non-talker, so I guess it''s possible that he has something in the works, but I just don''t know.

Any advice? I know this is a personal decision, but I need some ideas!

 

[MelissaSue]

hmm. I just constantly nagged mine.. So it wasn''t a problem for me as for how to phrase it.

I don''t really know exactly what to tell you. I think you need to let him know how important it is for you to be engaged. Tell him you don''t want to wait forever.. and that its not about the ring, its about you guys taking the next step in life together..
Asking him when he''s going to proposze isn''t going to do any good. You just need to let him know how YOU feel.

 

[Erin]

Speaking from experience, asking when he''s going to propose didn''t do any good. He kinda looked at it as, well, here she goes bringing it up again so if I go ahead and do it this weekend like I had planned - she''ll think I did it just to pacify her. So another amount of time must go by before it''ll seem like a surprise again. Personally, I thought it was a lot of BS cause you''re either gonna do it or you''re not.

Anyway, I would suggest asking, so when do you want to go out looking at rings again? Or, in a perfect world, when do you see us getting married, having kids, very nonchalant.

 

[blue_chica]

Just my $0.02 but I wouldn''t do it at the wedding. That would most likely be received badly, there''s already a bit of pressure there. You could discuss it beforehand though, like "this upcoming wedding has me a little stressed out and down, this is why..." I just went the honest route with my BF and expressed my feelings. I didn''t say "When are you going to do it", I just explained how the early mention of it had raised my expectations and I felt very stressed by the uncertainty. I basically said "set my expectations carefully and accurately, and that''s all I need right now." I think, since they''re in control of it, it can be hard for them to understand how difficult the wait can be...so getting them to understand/empathize with that goes a long way.

 

[wcitygirl]

Well, whatever you do, don''t do it like I did it -- crying, drunk and trying to fix the toilet in my apt at 3 am.

I would just come out and say something like: Well, we''ve looked at rings, I''m trying to plan my _________ (career, move, etc.) and I was just wondering what your time frame was? I agree with MelissaSue -- if it is important to you to be engaged, I wouldn''t hesitate to tell him that. (I think most of the time, boys try to make us happy.) And I also agree about the "it''s not about the ring, per se" statement. I also like the "in a perfect world" approach, but it didn''t work for my bf. I just got an "I don''t know?"

I don''t know what your boyfriend is like, but unless I ask direct questions, I don''t get the answers I''m looking for.

 

[ammayernyc]

Thanks for all the great advice!

I don''t think I would say anything before or at the wedding, but probably afterwards. Part of me feels like he''s planning something, but I think I''m being overly optomistic. For instance, he keeps telling me that he hasn''t planned anything for Valentine''s Day, since I''ve told him that I know it''s a Hallmark Holiday (which he thinks is very cute and that I made up the phrase

) but it would be nice to go out to dinner. Then this weekend, I told him I made some calls to restaurants since in NYC everything gets booked so quickly and he said, ''well, how do you know I didn''t plan something big already?'' I wanted to hit him! So, I''m hoping for the best and expecting less than something grand.

I also might have to throw the fact that I''m turning 30 and although I absolutely don''t want children now, it would be nice to have them when I can still pick them up.

So, I guess this was a vent as well as a thanks!

 

[blue_chica]

So, I''m hoping for the best and expecting less than something grand.

That was my approach to the vaca we just took, so my fingers are officially crossed for you for this V-Day. *Hugs*

 

[Erin]

I also might have to throw the fact that I''m turning 30 and although I absolutely don''t want children now, it would be nice to have them when I can still pick them up

Can I borrow that?

And btw

how do you know I didn''t plan something big already?

I think I smell something,

anyone else?

 

[ammayernyc]

I really hope you ladies are right!

I just don''t want to be too deflated if you''re not...

My original ''it''s time to talk now'' date was September 1, which is one year from when we moved in together. But I don''t think I can wait that long. Then I changed my date to April, which is my birthday. But now I really think that I have to push it up to after our friend''s wedding in two weeks. However, it very possible that I chicken out...

Why can''t boys just read our minds?

 

[NoonersMom]

Erin, I definitely smell something. Have a plan B for VDay in the event that he doesn''t have anything planned...ie food you can throw together to make a romantic dinner at home possibly.

Regarding the upcoming wedding....our five weddings last year were a natural starting point for all things marriage conversation. Ours always started out with I like x or y...z wasn''t my taste. They eventually led to more of an indepth discussion. If all else fails, I too would bring it up after the wedding has passed. I think BlueChica had good advice.

Again, that''s if Erin''s suspicion isn''t correct.

 

[blueroses]

Erin, I smell something too!! (And it ain't just Swayze lookin' hot in your new avatar!!!! LOVE the new DD motif we've got goin'.) I think he very well could have something up his sleeve.

But, ammayernyc, you are way within your rights to ask what's up. The "ideal scenario" thing didn't work for me so much b/c my bf can acknowledge how old he'd like to be when we have our 1st child, etc. but then can't quite do the math to figure out that that kind of means we need to be married in a year which kind of means he needs to propose yesterday!! So the turning 30 thing is a good opening up point for dialogue (as it was for us last year) but don't just leave it at that and assume that he'll take the hint...he needs to be clear with you about what HIS expectations are too so that neither of you is left thinking you're on the same page and so NOT (as I know a lot of us have experienced). If you've been living together since Sep. and looked at rings first 2 months ago, then it's totally fair to have kind of a hey, what's up chat.

Fingers crossed for a V-day surprise for you--Hallmark or not!!

 

[Blue824]

For my bf & I, we had a timeline of when we wanted to be married...and then i told him how long i''d want to plan a wedding, so, sort of deducted all of that...Our wedding talks started after a friend''s wedding as well...just about how he couldn''t wait til we were at that point. He actually brought it up, but I''m sure, when it gets closer to its going to be me pestering him about it!

 

[fatafelice]

Ama,
I think that if he has gone ring shopping, then he should be up for a few questions. Though I agree with the others that perhaps he has something up his sleeve for V-Day! If you can stand the wait, you could see what that holiday brings...if nothing, then ask away. I have found that a few drinks (not toooo many!) make my BF much more amenable to discussing marriage!

 

[appletini]

The ring shopping is a very good sign! Also don''t let the upcoming wedding you are going to, pressure you into this conversation. Talk to him more interms of planning your life together, and ask what time frame he would like to get married (not engaged, that still leaves a little surprise for you), have kids, etc. Also wait until after V-day just in case he does have something planned. I hope he does!

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 2/7/2005 6:56:15 PM
Author: appletini
The ring shopping is a very good sign! Also don't let the upcoming wedding you are going to, pressure you into this conversation. Talk to him more interms of planning your life together, and ask what time frame he would like to get married (not engaged, that still leaves a little surprise for you), have kids, etc. Also wait until after V-day just in case he does have something planned. I hope he does!

I agree...Valentine's is next week...so try to hold out abit longer....there are times the exasperating creatures we know as our respective bfs can pleasantly surprise us! Oh and definitely don't do it at the wedding, I also agree with whoever told you that. Although obviously I 'm not helping much with the WHEN

...I can tell you how I approached the subject with my bf. I picked a time when neither of us were preoccupied with soemthing TV or in his case the xbox

) and told him I wanted to have a discussion, emphasis on discussion, making it clear that we are both putting input into this conversaton and its not a one way, me being a shrew, demanding stuff. And I kinda oppened with me loving him, wanting to spend my life with him, yadda yadda, does he feel the same way, these are the events coming up in my life (med school graduation, residency) and i wanted to talk to him about when he thinks a good time would be for us to aim to get married.....and that's it. Anyway, I think the most important thing is to emphasize that it s a two way discussion and you really want his input. Good luck! Keep us posted!


oh and yes...totally loving the DD motif!

 

[Erin]

ginger you didn''t just yadda yadda sex, did you?

 

[blueroses]

Erin, she mentioned the bisque.....

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I think the wedding might be a natural place you might be asked the question "So, when are you two getting married?" I always look at my b/f and say "Ask him!" His #1 response is inevitably some variation on "If I was going to tell you, I certainly wouldn''t want to spoil the surprise in front of my love." Awwwww.

But, I''m with the masses- wait it out a bit. I''m in the same boat as you. Together almost 3 years, living together since October, ring "shopping" for almost a year or so now, turning 30 this year. Most men have the "if it''s not broke, don''t fix it" attitutde towards relationships, and if they''re happy, and you''re happy, they''d just as well leave it alone rather than be proactive about engagement. The way it worked with me and my b/f''s talk was this. I set a very last year I want to have kids at 38, and mentioned that I wanted at least 5 years of "us" marriage time without any children and explained to him that a wedding needed at least a year to plan because of the size of my family. So, basically, without saying it, I set my latest proposal timeline to before my 32nd bday. We had some conversations before Christmas in which he dropped some hints and I was thinking it may have happened over Christmas/NYE - no dice. So, I just let him know that dropping hints about a proposal or some "plan" being in the works was no good when I didn''t even know where he was in his timeline. I asked him what his timeline was, he said soon, I told him soon means 3-6 months to me, he told me 6 - 18 months is soon to him.

The most important thing to remember though is to not issue an ultimatum. It''s the worst thing you can do and will likely make him feel pressured and guilted into a proposal if something is not already in the works. By having the talk about your needs, you have to be prepared that your b/f is very likely trying to just soak up one step at a time and enjoy your new living together time.

Good luck!

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 2/7/2005 7:44:42 PM
Author: Erin
ginger you didn''t just yadda yadda sex, did you?

LOL...weeeelllllllll...I did mention my diamond is on its way to Leon as of tomorrow right?

heehee...sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do! or who you gotta do....

...if my bf ever reads this he''s gonna kill me!

 

[njc]

We went to a wedding this past labor day weekend and we were casually talking... wow, its such a nice day... this is a nice setting for a wedding... cant believe fall is around the corner... this seems like a great time of year to get married, not too hot. FI agrees. Would you like to get married this time of year? FI says yes, it would be nice. Well, if you want to aim for Aug/Sept ''05, you need to get moving! FI says yeah, yeah, yeah. But i think he got the idea because we went hard core ring shopping the next weekend.

Also by this point i had had two small melt downs

in the previous 3 months, so i had already said my piece about we''ve been dating over 3 years, we are living together, what else are we waiting for. So discussing the issue of when, wasnt so tense any more.

You just need to be honest is the best advice i can give you. If your big thing is turning 30, say it. If its like me, you''re living together already... this cows milk isnt going to be free forever. Yall are willing to make that commitment to each other, why not the life long commitment.

 

[ammayernyc]

Seriously, you guys are the best!

My boy, although I love him dearly, is the king of mixed signals. We''ve been to nine weddings together, and after each one he tells me what he likes about it. Nothing in terms of what he would want for his wedding, but just what he does or doesn''t like. He even went as far as to get cards from the band at the last wedding we went to!

But then every time I tell him that we need to talk about something (which is really not that often) he literally says, ''oh no, what now...'' and starts acting like a... well, boy.

I know that he will probably go to his friend''s uncle to make my ring, so unless my friends are playing along with him and are very good at it, he hasn''t gone to that guy yet. I keep thinking, maybe they are fooling me. Or maybe he''s planning on doing something next weekend in Florida when we''re staying with his mom for the wedding we are going to. Or maybe he''s planning something for my birthday... but I don''t want to get my hopes up because I just can''t handle the letdown.

I mean, there are all signs that we''ll be together forever -- we live together, we talk about future in real term such as what vacations we''ll take and such, he does my finances, his mother has a picture of us up in her house, he''s the beneficiary to one of my IRA''s for goodness sake. He''s sweet and loving and kind but he doesn''t TALK!!!

So, the wedding we''re going to is February 20. We come home the next day. I''m hoping to say something to him sometime soon after that... maybe after a glass or two of wine. He knows that I get talkative then... maybe he won''t realize that this has been building for a while.

Anyway... thank you ladies, so, so, SO much for all your words of encouragement. And please, still keep your fingers crossed for Valentine''s Day!

 

[njc]

Not that its a good thing, but i second the having a drink before/while discussing. I have found that the FI is a little more willing to talk (about anything) and less likely to get upset/take it the wrong way, after hes had a beer.

 

[kanne]

Beeer (homer simpson). mmmmmm. The secret "happy drink" of the engaged gal. lol!!! My BF-iance was always much more receptive to "the talk" when we were out having a good time (and now that I think about it..YES..he was drinking beer!!). Very interesting.

GingerB- OMG!! the rock is officially in the mail!!! Congrats!!

Now for the LWOA (long wait of agony).

 

[heart prongs]

Hints from an old married woman of 6 months who waited what seemed like forever (3 1/2 years) for her e-ring!

Avoid passive aggressive behavior when having "the conversation". Phrases such as "Huh, so XX and XY are getting married, didn't they start dating like YEARS after us?" and "XY really must love XX -- he didn't golf all summer just so he could buy XX the ring of her dreams." Guys hate this...and although it feels pretty damn good to release your frustration, such subtleties are lost on most men and you just get more angry.

Don't make it about the ring...hard to do, especially since you've already found PS! Although you know love him more than anything, when you constantly drill what "cut" and "depth/table" means into his Playstation/Animal Planet loving mind, he either tunes you out because it's really not that interesting to him or he starts to think you want the diamond more than you want him and that he's never going to be able to pick out a good enough ring for you. Limit PS references to two, three TOPS per week!

Do be honest: Speak from your heart...What's so bad about letting someone you love more than anything in the world know that he's so awesome that you'd like to marry him, and the sooner the better! It's a compliment for the love of God. Say that it's just hard for you that "Something very important to me is completely out of my control." Because it's true...It's really hard to not be in on something so HUGE and LIFE CHANGING with the person you share the most with.

I definitely recommend the engagement being a surprise...there aren't enough surprises left in life...Also, enjoys the last moments of being single and dating...Our engagement was the fastest (and busiest) 11 months of my entire life! I still can't believe it's over.

Look forward to being not only his bride, but his wife as well. Things do change (even if you live together) after you're married. It's not something you can see...it's just that after you're married, you want to take care of each other even more than ever!

You all have so much to look forward to...enjoy the anticipation! klr

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 2/8/2005 5

2:36 PM
Author: heart prongs
Limit PS references to two, three TOPS per week!

Good grief, I try to keep them to 2-3x per MONTH!!

(This is, of course, talking about actual rings/diamonds... I chat about you girls ALL THE TIME, but that''s different.

)

I think you''re doing great, amma--wait til after the wedding. I get the feeling you won''t even NEED to have the talk, by then.