how do i make this bad etiquette seem not so bad?

[charbie]

turns out we have had a lot of our guests respond that they are not coming to the wedding. tomorrow is the deadline for RSVP''s, and with our count we are looking at being almost 75 people below our anticipated (even after assuming 20-30% wouldn''t come). so now FMIL would like to invite all of her cousins who we originally said we would simply not have the room for.

i am cringing about this. i really don''t want to send out these extra invitations, but can''t really find a way out. she suggested at first just crossing about the RSVP date- i about died when she said that and flat out refused- i mean seriously, how rude is that? ewww.

here is my suggestion- its awful no matter how i look at it, but this is the best i could come up with:
send out the invite asap, like, tomorrow, but not include the RSVP. then i''m having FMIL call all of these guests she is inviting. she said she will call them on wednesday. she is a huge procrastinator, so im just praying she will get all of these calls made.

ugh. i feel sick about this because it totally is not me, but at the same time, i''m kind of thinking this is her family, its people i dont know and more than likely won''t see again, so if it reflects poorly on anyone it would be her. and at this point i don''t believe many of them will come- which i don''t really care if they come more not.

 

[Haven]

Is your wedding October 3rd? If so, I imagine they will know exactly what is going on regardless of whether or not you include the response card.

This is a tough situation. I know if I were you I would refuse to invite these extra people--if they weren''t important enough to include on the original list, they aren''t important enough to include now. But I don''t condone any of this A list/B list business, anyway, so that shows you how old fashioned I am.

Good luck with this! If FMIL is paying for the wedding, then I think you''re pretty much at her mercy, but if not, I''d put down my foot and say no.

 

[VictoriaEremita]

I totally understand why you don''t like the idea of crossing out the RSVP date. I''m just throwing this out there, but maybe you could stop at Michael''s Craft Store and pick up some very simple (so they don''t clash with the invite) "print them yourself" RSVP cards? That way you could print them with a new date, even if it was just a week away. I''m pretty sure I''ve seen them there at a very reasonable price. I know it would be one more thing you would have to do, but it might beat the stress of following up with you FMIL about the calling, and they might make your guest count be a lot more accurate.

 

[cara]

How long until the wedding? I''m guessing not enough time that it will appear to be anything other than what it is: B-list invite. DEFINITELY don''t send them with the RSVPs with the wrong date, but I think they''ll still be seen as what they are. I can only tell you that some people probably will be huffy to get one, and some people will roll with it.

My husband and I were invited to a large, fancy, out-of-town wedding with less than three weeks notice - it was very clear we were B-listers. We weren''t offended because we were friendly but not super close to the bride and groom and we know how these things go, with family being a priority and space and money constraints. But we choose not to buy last minute airplane tickets and take off work suddenly to attend, where if we''d been given proper notice or if the wedding was local we probably would have.

Separate incident, my cousin sent last minute wedding invites to a bunch of aunts and uncles, and of course everyone knew they were b-lists because of the timing and this wedding had been planned for months and months. My parents rolled with it and went but many others were insulted and badmouthed the bridal couple even more (after complaining they weren''t invited in the first place) and didn''t go ''because it was clear they weren''t really wanted'' or some such crap.

Long story short, I think that my husband and i in the first story were the right kind of people to get such an invite and even we didn''t make the effort to come. I''m not sure that certain extended family members would be so kind in their assessment, so me personally I''d be hesitant to invite folks late unless I knew them well enough to know that they would not be offended.

 

[LilyKat]

I agree that people will realise that they are B-listers, and that some will be offended, while some won''t care. If it were me I wouldn''t invite them, but if it would cause too much friction with your FMIL to fight her on this, I like the idea of printing off extra nice little RSVPs with a new date. At least that shows you''ve made some effort to show that the "B-list" guests are wanted.

 

[jcarlylew]

E and I were b-listers once. and while i cared more for e''s feelings, he has never let on that he was upset.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

We invited some guests just 2 weeks prior to the wedding, but they were happy to come and there were no hard feelings. I think it depends on who they are, and how close they are to you.

 

[Nov2109]

this is just my opinion-as I believe myself and my fiance have been "b-listers" once maybe even twice. We could careless, its not always about being on the "b" list, some people have budgets, including myself. I wish I could afford a 300 person wedding and invite every person we know, however that is not the case...there are many people on my list that I would love to un-invite, but I can''t because they are family...which takes the place of a close friend...whom I would much rather have at the wedding, if a family member cancelled that would open a spot for my friend who would have never been on the "b" list in the first place...we are just hoping that we can stick with our original list and not have to send out a second batch....

A "b" list isn''t always what it seems, sometimes it is because of a budget, many people who have had weddings can understand this concept, and if they get bent out of shape, then oh well-dont come!

I also like the idea of having another response card printed up- i am going to do that from the start so that if I do have to send out extra invites to meet the minimum for our reception site I wont have to worry.

I wouldn''t cross out the date, either no RSVP or get a new one, I would be less offended if I got one with the expired RSVP than one with the RSVP date crossed out

 

[charbie]

Date: 9/14/2009 2:04:17 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
We invited some guests just 2 weeks prior to the wedding, but they were happy to come and there were no hard feelings. I think it depends on who they are, and how close they are to you.

So how did you invite them? Did you send out the invite with the RSVP? Make a phone call? I just want to know how to handle it since FMIL is making it apparent i need to invite them.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 9/14/2009 5:19:37 PM
Author: charbie

Date: 9/14/2009 2:04:17 PM

Author: MakingTheGrade

We invited some guests just 2 weeks prior to the wedding, but they were happy to come and there were no hard feelings. I think it depends on who they are, and how close they are to you.

So how did you invite them? Did you send out the invite with the RSVP? Make a phone call? I just want to know how to handle it since FMIL is making it apparent i need to invite them.

Actually, it was mostly casual friends and some of his cousins, and we actually invited them very casually, lol. I sent formal invitations via mail and took out the RSVP date, but since it was so close to the wedding, we called them in person to ask them and said "I know this is last minute, but we would love to invite you to the wedding. I wanted to call in person since I wanted to give you as much notice as possible without waiting for the mail. We totally understand if this is too last minute, but we''d enjoy having you there, just let us know as soon as you can whether you can make it"

They knew they were obviously B-listers, but they also knew how small of a wedding it was, so they were all happy to say yes on the phone, and they all made it

 

[KimberlyH]

I wouldn''t invite them. No matter what the reasons are (financial, or otherwise) the idea of a B list makes me very uncomfortable and while many people may be gracious, and simply glad to be invited at all, some will likely feel like it is a gift grab, or that they are space fillers, and no matter who they are related to and how often I would or wouldn''t see them I wouldn''t want to make anyone feel that way.

 

[jstarfireb]

Hmm...especially if it''s someone I really care about, I would prefer to be on a B-list over not being invited at all. Then again, if it''s someone I really care about, and they felt the same about me, they probably would have invited me to begin with. But I know not everyone shares my feelings...you may have to go by what you know of these people and decide which will be more offensive between inviting them now and not inviting them at all. You should probably have a discussion with FMIL addressing this concern (that they may feel insulted by getting an invite so late) and see if that changes her mind.

 

[katamari]

I would make a phone call. I would be honest about them being excluded from the initial mailing. They are going to know what is going on, but you have the ability to shape the conversation (and, hence, what they think about it) if you actually talk to them. I would say things like that you were limited with your guest list because of budget constraints but how wonderfully happy you are to be able to invite them. If you make it sound like something you wanted all along or something you are very grateful is happening, I believe they would likely take it better. I would, anyways.

 

[charbie]

thanks so much for everyone''s advice-i really like the idea of the new RSVP cards, but no matter what these invites will get to them 2.5 weeks before the wedding and i turn in the final count next week.

i put the invites in the mail today, and FMIL has to call them wednesday. if it were MY friends, MY family, i would do the phone calls. but i have no clue who they are, how they will react, and it is totally just FMIL wanting to wreck havoc on my day.

i have no clue why she feels that they NEED to be invited- it makes no sense to me and FI won''t talk about it. he said he really doesn''t care either way, so i''m just going to suck it up. had this happened even a few weeks ago, i would have freaked out even more, but in the end and after talking with so many friends who have recently gotten married- i have to quit sweating the small stuff. there have been so many things that have come up recently that i just have no control over, so i''m gonna calk this up as another one of those situtations.

if they want to be there- WONDERFUL. if not- i completely understand and can''t blame them for a minute.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 9/14/2009 6:32:47 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I wouldn''t invite them. No matter what the reasons are (financial, or otherwise) the idea of a B list makes me very uncomfortable and while many people may be gracious, and simply glad to be invited at all, some will likely feel like it is a gift grab, or that they are space fillers, and no matter who they are related to and how often I would or wouldn''t see them I wouldn''t want to make anyone feel that way.

I think most of the bride''s I''ve met have had a B-list just because RSVPs can be so unpredictable, and because you almost always have more people that you would live to invite if you only had the extra space.

All the people we invited last minute were college aged friends, and knew we weren''t inviting them just for gifts (since if that was the case, we''d probably invite more established and well off aunts and uncles). And it was a pretty small wedding, so they understood.

 

[swingirl]

I would immediately send out the invitations and RSVPs. No one needs to have it confirmed whether or not they are B-listers or the late invitation was an oversite or whether it got lost behind a dresser. They are invited and that''s all they need to know. They can guess whatever they want but you don''t need to apologize to anyone for inviting them to your wedding. It''s not like the wedding is tomorrow, it''s 3 weeks away. If FMIL chooses to make calls, graciously thank her for taking the time.

Sometimes the less you say, the better.

 

[purrfectpear]

I would have said no. Why do so many of you gals have an issue with saying no? I hope you learn how in the next few years. It''ll come in handy. Trust me on this one.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/14/2009 7:10:33 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade

Date: 9/14/2009 6:32:47 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I wouldn''t invite them. No matter what the reasons are (financial, or otherwise) the idea of a B list makes me very uncomfortable and while many people may be gracious, and simply glad to be invited at all, some will likely feel like it is a gift grab, or that they are space fillers, and no matter who they are related to and how often I would or wouldn''t see them I wouldn''t want to make anyone feel that way.

I think most of the bride''s I''ve met have had a B-list just because RSVPs can be so unpredictable, and because you almost always have more people that you would live to invite if you only had the extra space.

All the people we invited last minute were college aged friends, and knew we weren''t inviting them just for gifts (since if that was the case, we''d probably invite more established and well off aunts and uncles). And it was a pretty small wedding, so they understood.

The first thing we did when planning was write a guest list, and then selected everything, from venue to vendors, around a budget that would allow us to invite those people.

I understad why people might have B lists, and the reasons may not be related to gifts or filling seats; I still wouldn''t be comfortable doing so, just my opinion.