House guests - how do you deal when you feel different about it than you partner?

[CJ2008]

Harriet''s situation with her ILs got me thinking about the issue in general, and I didn''t want to threadjack.

I don''t like people staying at my house - I never have. I can deal with a few days here and there, but few and far in between, and only with people I''m very comfortable with and like. Ever since meeting my now DH, though, I''ve had to open up a bit more beacause as much as he''s a private person too, he''s much more "my house is your house" type of person. And I do recognize that he''s molded himself to me as well, because if I were more like him, we''d be having guests a lot more often. The way his dad is probably how he would be if I didn''t have any objection to it - open door/home to anybody - there''s always somebody visiting, and they''ve had relatives stay with them for weeks/months at a time several times. People are always coming in and out of the house too, unannounced (which I would hate). My DH probably wouldn''t like if somebody did that a lot, but he could deal with the occasional unexpected visitor a lot better than I do.

This creates a lot of tension between us some times - because as soon as he mentions that he spoke to so and so and they''re thinking of coming to Florida the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, waiting for the next thing to be "and they asked if they could stay with us." I lived in fear when we lived in Long Island, but because we only had a one bedroom, that took care of a lot (even though we did have our parents stay a few times). Now that we''re in Florida though, the subject of people visiting comes up a lot mre...people have all kinds of reasons to come to Florida! Plus now we do have an extra bedroom...and we did argue quite a bit whether to make it exclusively into an office (which is what I wanted) or exclusively into a guest room (guess who wanted that) but we compromised and it''s both - it''s an office, and we throw down an aerobed when his parents or friends come over (my parents are an hour away so they don''t need to stay over, which is a plus). It''s not that I don''t love my family, or his, or our best friends - but by the 2nd or 3rd day I want everyone out...

Thankfully we don''t live near Disney, and after two years of being here, we haven''t had anyone ask that I couldn''t stand for a few days...but I know the day is coming!

So question is - are any of you in the same situation, where your DH or FI or boyfriend is a lot more open to houseguests than you are, and how do you compromise and deal with those differences? Have you ever said no to any particular guest he wanted to have over? How about limiting the amount of time the guest stays?

 

[Harriet]

We''re alike! I''m not sure I''m in a position to dispense advice, but what I did was to express how much my privacy means to me. I reassured FI that I would compromise on other issues. He agreed and neither of us suggested a quid pro quo.

 

[CJ2008]

Hi Harriet! I thought of posting on your thread so many times...we definitely are alike.

It''s weird, because DH also very much likes his privacy, and totally understands where I''m coming from. But he''s just such a genuinely nice person, he enjoys sharing time with other people, and in some cases couldn''t even dream of saying no to someone wanting to come and visit. He''s willing to put his privacy "on hold" to spend time with that person. It''s actually quite a nice thing...I just can''t/don''t want to do it (except for the rare occasion, and with very few people, like I already mentioned).

I guess I sometimes wonder, under what circumstances is it rude to NOT let someone stay at your home? Is there ever a time where simply not wanting to do it is not good enough? Is it ever selfish?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions or have you always been very sure about where you stand on the issue and not felt guilty?

 

[diamondfan]

This is a tough call. I am hospitable and like to have certain people stay with me, but even so, it is disruptive and hard and I am usually not sorry when they leave. But I love to have my step sis come to stay, we have such a nice time. And when my mom comes, she is really not any trouble and I enjoy it, but again, it is always nice to have your own space back.

I cannot stand having my mother in law in my business. She is nosy and rude and selfish and the worst thing in the world for me is to come down in the morning to my kitchen and see her. Eeuueeww. Ruins my whole entire day. She is such a bitter pill to swallow that just knowing she is in my space bothers me.

I do not think, really, anyone is ever obligated to house people. Your home is your domain, if you wish not to have guests, though it might be tough, it is best to say it will not work out but you would love to meet them for dinner or spend the day with them. I guess, if people get offended, oh well, since you cannot just bend over backwards to please everyone. If you feel like not having guests, there might be some fallout from that, but that is just the way it is. If you say it just will not work out, and suggest some hotel options, really, they just have to deal with it. You cannot be forced to have guests (unless it is my mother in law, who I have to deal with!)

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/14/2008 12:45:21 AM
Author: claudinam
Hi Harriet! I thought of posting on your thread so many times...we definitely are alike.

It''s weird, because DH also very much likes his privacy, and totally understands where I''m coming from. But he''s just such a genuinely nice person, he enjoys sharing time with other people, and in some cases couldn''t even dream of saying no to someone wanting to come and visit. He''s willing to put his privacy ''on hold'' to spend time with that person. It''s actually quite a nice thing...I just can''t/don''t want to do it (except for the rare occasion, and with very few people, like I already mentioned).

I guess I sometimes wonder, under what circumstances is it rude to NOT let someone stay at your home? Is there ever a time where simply not wanting to do it is not good enough? Is it ever selfish?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions or have you always been very sure about where you stand on the issue and not felt guilty?

I wouldn''t have minded at all.

If there were an emergency and someone was stranded here without enough money for a hostel and shouldn''t be left alone, I''d put him up.

Oh, I''ve questioned myself and have concluded that my home is my sanctuary.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/14/2008 12:55:59 AM
Author: diamondfan
This is a tough call. I am hospitable and like to have certain people stay with me, but even so, it is disruptive and hard and I am usually not sorry when they leave. But I love to have my step sis come to stay, we have such a nice time. And when my mom comes, she is really not any trouble and I enjoy it, but again, it is always nice to have your own space back.

I agree that it''s about getting your own space back, even when the people visiting are nice to see/be with and they''re not any trouble. I love my sister and niece, and we have so much fun when they come over, but after a few days, I''m ready to get back to my routine and alone time. Same with our best friends, and his parents...

I cannot stand having my mother in law in my business. She is nosy and rude and selfish and the worst thing in the world for me is to come down in the morning to my kitchen and see her. Eeuueeww. Ruins my whole entire day. She is such a bitter pill to swallow that just knowing she is in my space bothers me.

I do not think, really, anyone is ever obligated to house people. Your home is your domain, if you wish not to have guests, though it might be tough, it is best to say it will not work out but you would love to meet them for dinner or spend the day with them. I guess, if people get offended, oh well, since you cannot just bend over backwards to please everyone. If you feel like not having guests, there might be some fallout from that, but that is just the way it is. If you say it just will not work out, and suggest some hotel options, really, they just have to deal with it. You cannot be forced to have guests (unless it is my mother in law, who I have to deal with!)

I agree with you in theory...hard to pull off though...I''ve never had to yet, but I wonder if I''d be able to deal with the fallout if I really didn''t want the person here...I think it would depend on how much of

the person was...in other words, I would probably feel I''d have to have a lot of "good" reasons to say no. Otherwise, if it wasn''t for too many days I would probably grin and bear it...unless DH also didn''t want the person here, then that''s much easier to deal with in my opinion.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/14/2008 1:03:28 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/14/2008 12:45:21 AM
Author: claudinam
Hi Harriet! I thought of posting on your thread so many times...we definitely are alike.

It''s weird, because DH also very much likes his privacy, and totally understands where I''m coming from. But he''s just such a genuinely nice person, he enjoys sharing time with other people, and in some cases couldn''t even dream of saying no to someone wanting to come and visit. He''s willing to put his privacy ''on hold'' to spend time with that person. It''s actually quite a nice thing...I just can''t/don''t want to do it (except for the rare occasion, and with very few people, like I already mentioned).

I guess I sometimes wonder, under what circumstances is it rude to NOT let someone stay at your home? Is there ever a time where simply not wanting to do it is not good enough? Is it ever selfish?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions or have you always been very sure about where you stand on the issue and not felt guilty?

I wouldn''t have minded at all.

If there were an emergency and someone was stranded here without enough money for a hostel and shouldn''t be left alone, I''d put him up.

Oh, I''ve questioned myself and have concluded that my home is my sanctuary.

I could not agree with you more...

 

[Kaleigh]

We are going through this having the house in Nantucket and now a house if FLA. I said to DH, no house guests period. I know sounds harsh but if you say yes to one, you have to say yes to all. There are exceptions, DD and DS have friends come all the time to visit. No problem. We have a guest cottage so that makes it easy to have guests come, but haven't done that for our friends... I just don't want to have a revolving door of guests coming and going. I did that one summer when we rented a house for 2 months in Nantucket, these were very close friends that came to visit, so that was fine. But it was a ton of work, and was hectic.

We are having a friend come the end of July, he's like family so no biggie.

I feel for you, it's not easy to deal with. I hope you guys can come to a compromise?

I just know now that we have the house in FLA people will ask to use it. Luckily I can say it's an investment property, and it's rented out for the season.

 

[CJ2008]

What''s DD and DS? (sorry! I should know by now!)

It is work to have people over...

We have definitely adjusted to each other, but the

lurks beneath...haha And I think we could most likely compromise...I think it''s my guilt that works against me more than anything. It just seems so much "acceptable" to be like DH is...sometimes I compare myself to him and I just feel like I''m not as good a person or something...sucks. I would just have to be willing to say how I really feel / what I really want and be OK with MYSELF if the situation ever comes up - and I KNOW it will.

 

[Kaleigh]

DD- dear daughter

DS - dear son

 

[CJ2008]

Thank you for explaining!

 

[Elmorton]

DH and I love to have guests, but there is so definitely a 3 day limit. I get sick of just about everyone after 3 days and want my house back.

It really depends on the space you have, too - a friend of mine lived in Manhattan, and once I saw her apt, I realized that it was a MAJOR inconvenience to have visitors, whereas DH and I have always had at least a guest room/private den where guests can stay and have space to themselves, so it''s a lot easier to have guests.

 

[JSM]

I hate having house guests - I feel obligated to do all the cooking, cleaning up after them, entertaining... the visit winds up consuming my life.

We do host our friends and families, however, because when we visit friends and family out of state we do stay with them (much rather would be in a hotel, but we''re on a grad student salary so it''s not always feasible). I feel like having visitors is kind of a ''pay it forward'' deal. We inconvenience others, so in turn we are hospitable to whomever wants to visit us.

Usually there is a lot of warning, so it''s doable. Though once, my FMIL was coming to visit - I found out when she was 20 miles away (she lives over 300 miles from us). I started yelling at my fiance until he said, "I didn''t know she was coming either!! Uh, is the bathroom clean?" Lol.

 

[CJ2008]

Well, it is always refreshing to see other people mind-like. Sometimes I feel like I''m the only person in the world with some of these thoughts and views.

It seems like all you ladies have FIs/DHs that view things just as you do...which makes it easier...I think for me I''m afraid people won''t think I''m nice/a good person so it''s really hard for me to deal with these kinds of things...especially when DH is like a

compared to me and he''s like all open arms...I get tired of him being so helpful and nice sometimes...haha I know that sounds kind of funny, but it''s true! Why couldn''t he be a little more anti-social?

I remember growing up and living downstairs in my parent''s house I would hear that my parents had visitors, AGAIN. I used to dread going up there to say hello! It wouldn''t be more than like 3 minutes that my mom would yell my name and be like "so and so are here, come and say hello!"

haha

 

[Fly Girl]

There are easy houseguests, and I don't mind those for a few days. The easy ones do the stuff I don't like to do. My mother is easy. I come home from work and she has done the laundry, the shopping, and has dinner on the stove. (ETA: Mind you, she asks me first if it will be o.k.) These kinds of houseguests can be a real treat to have.

Then there was my brother. He finally got the hint and moved out after a month of eating peanut butter sandwiches. I simply wasn't going to cook for him and I told him so.

Here is a rule that we live by. Never, never, never agree to something that involves your spouse without discussing it with them first. Answer, "I can't speak for DH. Let me talk to him first." Make the decision together. Once the decision is made, be willing to take the fall for the other person. "She is willing to host you, but I think it is too hard on her, and I insisted that we can't have houseguests just now."

 

[Bia]

I grew up in a family that always piled together--shared beds, floors, anything...if there was room, you slept there--I think it is a cultural thing but also, for my grandparents, parents, aunts & uncles, it was much more financially feasible. When money was no longer an issue, it still made sense to them--but, we''re pretty tight as families go. For me, I always much prefer my family (BF''s family is nearby so this is less of an issue) stay with me than to get a hotel...it feels unnatural to us. When we go to California to visit his aunt, we stay with her, and we will be doing so with his parents and sister, BIL and baby nephew in August--his aunt wouldn''t have it any other way, thankfully she has a huge house!

However, this open invitation is limited to close family only--I don''t feel that comfortable otherwise. We don''t have a whole lot of space, and you''re right, after a few days, the novelty wears off.

So, to sum that up, yes, I prefer having people stay with me, IF I am close to them. It irks me when I hardly ever speak to someone and they ask to crash at my place, just because I live in NY...

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/14/2008 12:03:01 PM
Author: Fly Girl
There are easy houseguests, and I don''t mind those for a few days. The easy ones do the stuff I don''t like to do. My mother is easy. I come home from work and she has done the laundry, the shopping, and has dinner on the stove. (ETA: Mind you, she asks me first if it will be o.k.) These kinds of houseguests can be a real treat to have.

Then there was my brother. He finally got the hint and moved out after a month of eating peanut butter sandwiches. I simply wasn''t going to cook for him and I told him so.

Here is a rule that we live by. Never, never, never agree to something that involves your spouse without discussing it with them first. Answer, ''I can''t speak for DH. Let me talk to him first.'' Make the decision together. Once the decision is made, be willing to take the fall for the other person. ''She is willing to host you, but I think it is too hard on her, and I insisted that we can''t have houseguests just now.''

Very good suggestion...I love the part about taking the fall for the other person...that really is what it''s all about in the end, having the unity with your partner...

 

[fieryred33143]

It''s the opposite for us. I''m the one that doesn''t mind.

Growing up, our house was the hotel because unfortunately we lived 10 minutes from Disney.

I''m used to having guests over and entertaining. My FF is not as his whole family lives in South Florida and have their own homes. When his family would visit from Chile, which is probably once every 10 years, no one would mind having them stay over.

When we were looking to purchase, I wanted to go back to Central Florida because I absolutely love it there. He was not happy about that idea at all and since I found a great job here, I decided to stay and I''m glad I did. That said, since my family is in Central Fl they come to visit frequently. I know he doesn''t like the invasion but he handles it like a champ and rightfully so. My family usually will stay for a week but that''s a week of free labor and homecooked meals every night LOL.

 

[CJ2008]

Bia, it would feel unnatural to me also to send our parents and actually our aunts/uncles/cousins to a nearby hotel...especially if it was only for a few days...but I DON'T feel the same about EVERY aunt/uncle or cousin...DH has a large family, and thankfully only 2 of his cousins have come to stay with us for a couple of days, and that was fine, and we had a nice time. But if all his aunts/uncles and cousins all wanted to drop by at different times of the year, I would not like that at all...I do not feel close to all of them on the same level, and even if I did, I would find that exhausting.

Irk is so the right word, when people call out of the blue and ask if they can stay at your place...the thing is, that doesn't really happen to me...but DH has a lot mroe friends than me, and some that never call except when they need something - one of them he hasn't talked to in the longest time but he called because he's thinking about moving to FL...it's like my DH thinks nothing of those things, he'll help him out as quick as if they had been keeping in touch. I reserve that type of kindness for a handful of people, but that's it...so for me, my first thought was, "great - he's going to ask if he can stay with us while househunting, and on top of it, poor DH will have to run around helping him" Of course DH looked at me like like why would I think that, and what's so bad if he wants to help him, he's a friend he's known for so long (there always seems to be a reason for him helping someone out - again, it's nice, but...) which really makes me feel like it's me there's something wrong with! It's frustrating - I just feel like what am I supposed to say, when his outlook on people/friends is so different than mine? It's hard to be the "less nice one" one in the relationship...

 

[fatafelice]

Oh, this is such an issue with DH and me! He grew up in a shore town, so there were always tons of visitors. Also, his family is really close, and on holidays and summer weekends, they would all pile into his mom''s house, even sleeping on sofas and hammocks. My family, not so much. We only sleep where we have beds, and we would just as soon get a hotel room nearby and have some privacy.

They also believe that family members and close friends should feel free to drop by unannounced at any time! But when I was growing up, my mom always cleaned the house meticulously (she has OCD) before visitors, so I have a panic attack if people see my house and it isn''t clean. This caused a huge problem once, when BIL and his fiance (now wife) showed up at our house at 10 AM on a Sunday, with nary a phone call. I was just getting out of the shower, and one of the dogs has just had an accident on the floor, and the house was a disaster. Admittedly, I overreacted, but I refused to let them in the house because I couldn''t bear for them to see it the way it was. So SIL waited on the porch (which upset her, because our dogs were outside and she doesn''t like them), but BIL forced his way in b/c he wanted to talk to DH. SIL ended up writing me a very nasty email, but we have since worked it out. DH and I fought about it, though, because I was adamant that it is common courtesy to give people some sort of warning that you are arriving at their home, even if it is just a "Hey, we are in town and will be at your house in 5 minutes" phonecall. He didn''t feel that family should have to do so. He did see my point, however, when I pointed out that we could have been ''otherwise occupied'' when they arrived, if you get my drift. He now concedes that perhaps some warning is preferable.

What I am really worried about, however, is the fact that we are buying his mom''s house, since she passed away last year, and moving in this summer. His family is so used to just showing up there whenever they want, walking in without knocking, and parking there when they go to the beach, that I am terrified that such behavior will continue, even though it will be *our* house. Before I agreed to buying the property, I we had a long talk, and he agrees that we cannot have constant visitors (i.e. every weekend in the summer), but I don''t know how his family will adjust. He has discussed it with his reasonable and rational older sister, and she claims to understand and agree, but I am not convinced that even she has grasped the big picture. For example, last weekend, DH and I were with his family and we mentioned fencing in the backyard for the dogs. Her question, "But then where will everyone park?" I was SO happy when DH responsed, "Well, there will still be room for *our* two cars." She still seemed to think it was a poor idea to lose the parking, until I pointed out that when we had children, we would really need to have a yard for them!

I am more worried about the BIL/SIL mentioned above, since they frequently prove that they have little courtesy. I am hoping that their dislike of our dogs will keep them away, because if they show up uninvited, I am not locking the pups away. If we invite people, obviously we try to keep the dogs from annoying them, but they''re on their own otherwise. But if anyone has any ideas about how we can tactfully discourage visitors, I would love to hear them!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 7/14/2008 1:31:58 PM
Author: fatafelice
Oh, this is such an issue with DH and me! He grew up in a shore town, so there were always tons of visitors. Also, his family is really close, and on holidays and summer weekends, they would all pile into his mom''s house, even sleeping on sofas and hammocks. My family, not so much. We only sleep where we have beds, and we would just as soon get a hotel room nearby and have some privacy.

They also believe that family members and close friends should feel free to drop by unannounced at any time! But when I was growing up, my mom always cleaned the house meticulously (she has OCD) before visitors, so I have a panic attack if people see my house and it isn''t clean. This caused a huge problem once, when BIL and his fiance (now wife) showed up at our house at 10 AM on a Sunday, with nary a phone call. I was just getting out of the shower, and one of the dogs has just had an accident on the floor, and the house was a disaster. Admittedly, I overreacted, but I refused to let them in the house because I couldn''t bear for them to see it the way it was. So SIL waited on the porch (which upset her, because our dogs were outside and she doesn''t like them), but BIL forced his way in b/c he wanted to talk to DH. SIL ended up writing me a very nasty email, but we have since worked it out. DH and I fought about it, though, because I was adamant that it is common courtesy to give people some sort of warning that you are arriving at their home, even if it is just a ''Hey, we are in town and will be at your house in 5 minutes'' phonecall. He didn''t feel that family should have to do so. He did see my point, however, when I pointed out that we could have been ''otherwise occupied'' when they arrived, if you get my drift. He now concedes that perhaps some warning is preferable.

What I am really worried about, however, is the fact that we are buying his mom''s house, since she passed away last year, and moving in this summer. His family is so used to just showing up there whenever they want, walking in without knocking, and parking there when they go to the beach, that I am terrified that such behavior will continue, even though it will be *our* house. Before I agreed to buying the property, I we had a long talk, and he agrees that we cannot have constant visitors (i.e. every weekend in the summer), but I don''t know how his family will adjust. He has discussed it with his reasonable and rational older sister, and she claims to understand and agree, but I am not convinced that even she has grasped the big picture. For example, last weekend, DH and I were with his family and we mentioned fencing in the backyard for the dogs. Her question, ''But then where will everyone park?'' I was SO happy when DH responsed, ''Well, there will still be room for *our* two cars.'' She still seemed to think it was a poor idea to lose the parking, until I pointed out that when we had children, we would really need to have a yard for them!

I am more worried about the BIL/SIL mentioned above, since they frequently prove that they have little courtesy. I am hoping that their dislike of our dogs will keep them away, because if they show up uninvited, I am not locking the pups away. If we invite people, obviously we try to keep the dogs from annoying them, but they''re on their own otherwise. But if anyone has any ideas about how we can tactfully discourage visitors, I would love to hear them!

Fata - You are buying the family beach house, so of course everyone thinks things will continue the way they have. You have to communicate to the entire clan that there is a new sheriff in town and there are new rules. Then lay them out clearly (e-mail, family meeting, whatever). Can you set up certain family weekends in advance, and other weekends belong entirely to you? I certainly wouldn''t worry about entertaining them or cleaning for them. Do they bring the food? Can DH take on the bulk of the hosting duties? You first have to figure out what you are willing to live with, then let people know, and stick to your guns.

 

[CJ2008]

Fata, I am so NOT the right person to give you advice because I probably wouldn''t even be able to SLEEP if I were you! I would be petrified of all that''s coming...

I liked your DH''s answer to the question about the parking! Good boy! haha But seriously - it sounds like he''s trying to understand and respect your feelings, which is great and should make it so much easier on you.

I think Fly Girl gave you excellent advice...first is definitely to figure out exactly how much you''re willing to put up with...and come up with some kind of compromise that both you and DH can deal with. Once you do that, maybe DH can take on the most of the job of telling his relatives that unannounced visits are no longer OK, etc., and I think it''s an excellent idea for you guys to take the bull by the horns and graciously extend invitations in advance when it''s good for YOU/DH - it lets people know you''re in control, and lets DH feel less bad about it because it''s "proof" that it isn''t that they aren''t EVER welcome - but that the way it used to be just doesn''t work for you guys.

Easier said than done, I know...but it''s really the only way, it seems to me, if you want to not live in constant fear.

 

[Miranda]

Neither of us mind having house guests. We live near the beach so we get them from time to time. ( I make it sound like a disease

) For us the problem lies in WHO that house guest may be. His parents stay here quite frequently. They come to spend time with the kids. We believe a relationship with grandparents is very important so we encourage it. We do have a one night limit, though. I cannot handle any more than that. They are only an hour away so I think an overnight stay is a little much anway. This works for us and DH is behind it 100%. It took a while to work out, though. I''m with you. I can only handle few and far between company. I really need my personal space. And I love spending time with just DH and the kids.

My sister has been wanting to come stay for a day or two with her kids this summer. This will drive DH insane as he has a very hard time dealing with my sis...I do too for that matter!

She has a tough personality at times. He''ll just work a lot when she''s here. Again, I will uphold my one night policy.

My real problem is with DH''s SIL. I''ve never ever ever ever ever ever ever (getting the point?) in my entire life seen children so ill-mannered. SIL and the kids came to CA (from the east coast) in Feb. They were supposed to stay with us for 2 days. Two days turned into three, three turned into four, four turned into five. DH finally asked when she was going back to her parents. Her reply, "I don''t know." Her parents live 30 minutes from us so it''s not like she would be going very far. DH''s parents would have loved for her to stay with them as well. Anyway, I won''t threadjack with the gruesome details of the visit, but, I will say that she is no longer welcome to stay. It wound up being a costly visit as many things were broken (plants, scratches on walls, months of therapy for my post traumatic stress syndrome - just kidding

) It was just so incredibly stressful. I''m not sure how we will deal with this once the problem arises. We let DH and BIL''s parents stay, my sister, why not them????? Maybe I should say, "Because your kids are animals and should be leashed."

Anyway, for you I think the solution is to limit the frequency of house guests and how long they stay.

 

[CJ2008]

wow, Miranda, DH's SIL's children sound like nightmares...

I would be mad if anybody damaged my house in any way, and my plants! Even worse if it were someone's kids (I don't have any) and the parents didn't even seem to be concerned by it. And if they went anywhere NEAR my cat, well, I don't care who it is, they'd be DEAD. THAT, I'd have NO trouble killing for.

ETA: I agree with you that for me it's about limiting the frequency and amount...and, I'm also with you on the one-night thing...my parents are an hour away so there's really no reason for them to stay over, although they'd love to and would probably do it all the time if I encouraged it. My parents would be no trouble at all, either...she would love to do our laundry, cook, clean, everything...but now that I'm older I actually don't like her doing those things for me, even though I know it would be her pleasure. Plus, she's 70, for God's sake...even though she doesn't look it/feel it/act it.

 

[Miranda]

Nightmares just about sums them up. I love them because they are my nephews, but, I am so mad that their parents are letting them behave this way. And since you mentioned cats...One of the kids was pulling my cat around the room by his tail!!!!!

The mother caught the kid and said, "Oh, well. I guess he''ll learn when he gets scratched." Oh bullsh!@!!!! I told that little bugger NEVER to do that again...Not quite that nicely, though.

 

[CJ2008]

I am NOT rational when it comes to animals, and definitely not rational when it comes to my cat. Seriously, it's probably the only time I don't care about whether I'm coming off like a witch. I realize half the time I come off like a crazy lady when I sense an animal might be in danger but I don't care. And now living in Florida I have to deal with seeing turtles trying to cross the road all the time

ETA: oh - and that's one of the reasons I would never remove my cat's nails - to defend himself from anything that might bother him

 

[Miranda]

LOL! I''m like that too! My family calls me PETA because I have such a bleeding heart for animals. I tell you, I thought I was going to strangle the kid when he hurt my cat!

 

[CJ2008]

hahahha you''ve been given a nickname! I want one too! Just not "crazy cat lady" hahahah

 

[fatafelice]

Hmmmm...I really like the idea of a one night rule. SIL and BIL both live in-state (45 min. and 90 min., respectively), so that seems fair. They have kids, so I know they like to stay over so they can avoid travel time, but if we set a one night rule, it might work...and maybe a per month limit?

Miranda: Have you vocalized this one-night limit to your family, or do you and DH just try to finagle it that way?

And the story about the little terrors reminded me of what happened to us this past St. Patrick''s Day. In our town, there is always a parade, which is made into a big deal. DH said he would like people to be able to stop by before and after, sort of like an open-house. I said fine, since I figured it would just be our friends and family. Little did I know that BIL''s crazy friend would see me walking back from the parade, and invite himself to our house to use our restroom - with about 10 other random drunk people I had never met! Did I mention that our house is only 900 sq. feet?! And then they stayed and had a drink too! But the worst part was when SIL''s highschool friend came (with *her* friends) and all of their kids. Her son was *awful*, and that is saying a lot, because I really like kids and have a high tolerance for their hijinks. He had his hands on everything breakable he could find, threw several tantrums, and she wasn''t even paying attention! I had to follow him around and try to prevent disaster without coming off as a b*tch. I also watched in horor as her friend (who neither DH or I knew) changed her toddler''s diaper on my sofa, without asking, and without any sort of cloth beneath him. I have never in my life been so happy to see people leave my house.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/14/2008 8:09:55 PM
Author: fatafelice
Hmmmm...I really like the idea of a one night rule. SIL and BIL both live in-state (45 min. and 90 min., respectively), so that seems fair. They have kids, so I know they like to stay over so they can avoid travel time, but if we set a one night rule, it might work...and maybe a per month limit?

Miranda: Have you vocalized this one-night limit to your family, or do you and DH just try to finagle it that way?

And the story about the little terrors reminded me of what happened to us this past St. Patrick''s Day. In our town, there is always a parade, which is made into a big deal. DH said he would like people to be able to stop by before and after, sort of like an open-house. I said fine, since I figured it would just be our friends and family. Little did I know that BIL''s crazy friend would see me walking back from the parade, and invite himself to our house to use our restroom - with about 10 other random drunk people I had never met! Did I mention that our house is only 900 sq. feet?! And then they stayed and had a drink too! But the worst part was when SIL''s highschool friend came (with *her* friends) and all of their kids. Her son was *awful*, and that is saying a lot, because I really like kids and have a high tolerance for their hijinks. He had his hands on everything breakable he could find, threw several tantrums, and she wasn''t even paying attention! I had to follow him around and try to prevent disaster without coming off as a b*tch. I also watched in horor as her friend (who neither DH or I knew) changed her toddler''s diaper on my sofa, without asking, and without any sort of cloth beneath him. I have never in my life been so happy to see people leave my house.

Oh my goodness! You really do have it rough. Some people have NO manners whatsoever! I have one friend that wanted to go to the beach with her friend, who I had never met, and three kids between the two of them, and come to my house after to shower and wait for traffic to die down before heading home. Uh - How about NO! She didn''t stop and think about how much laundry and cleaning one shower would leave me with! Not to mention dinner etc.

We''ve told his parents point blank one night is the limit without really giving a reason. They''re all passive aggressive in his family so I don''t think they''ll ever ask why.

I haven''t addressed it with my sister, but, I will if I have to. I can''t imagine any friends staying longer than that since most of them are within an hour anyway. And I just don''t know what to do about his SIL. They just cannot come. I. Will. Go. Insane.