he''s always freakin BROKE ..

[hisspecialk]

I am looking at his money managment skills or lack there of and how he handles financial responsibility and thinking .. "damn!!!"

we are going to an engagement party for my friend tonight so I made a simple request. . ''can you get your hair cut low - i like it like that " and I hear
"oh, babe I don''t have the money for a haircut right now". . .HUH??

HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE THIRTEEN DOLLARS!!???

we are 35 years old!! for real .. . so of course i say looking i''ll get the hair cut i just REALLY want you to do it prior to this party .. .

would anyone else be concerned!!??? he just got paid yesterday!!!

i work hard to keep my credit and accounts right. . .UM. . THIS IS VERY DISCONCERTING!!

 

[aliceinwonderland]

No advice necessarily but I just wanted to say that you are smart to be worried. Financial issues are one of the biggest issues in relationship. Financial responsability is an important part of a mature relationship.

Alice

 

[HopeDream]

I would worry (unless there were extraneous circumstances like all his money going towards the ring).

If you combine finances maybe you should "hold the purse strings" and manage the mortgage, bills and savings accounts, and give him an appropriate personal expenditures allowance each month for lunch, haircuts, clothing, fun money etc.

I hope he doesn't sponge off of you (for haircuts etc.) but not recipircate. I hope he buys things for you too.

 

[Indylady]

Haha, my SO''s roommate''s girlfriend recently cut his hair, her boyfriend''s hair, and two of our other guys friend''s hair on my SO''s porch (can you tell we''re students?). I won''t comment on his overall financial situation, cause I really don''t have anything to say, but sometimes one has to prioritize some expenditures over haircuts, hehe!

 

[Treasure43]

Do you know for a fact he doesn''t have the money? Maybe he just said that or as exaggerating? However, that being said, if he IS constantly broke I would be concerned. Finances are a very common reason for divorces. If he''s always broke, your life together will be very hard. My mother is a compulsive spender and as a result is always broke. This was very difficult for me growing up and is actually a big factor in the divorce she is going through right now.

Having a financially responsible partner is a very important part of having a mature relationship and eventually a mature marriage. You want to be with someone who is able to help you build a future in which you''re not constantly broke and struggling.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I think that you need to look at the bigger picture here. Is he always broke because he''s saving money for your ring, a wedding, and possibly a house too? Or is he always broke because he really doesn''t know how to manage money? If it''s the former, then I think you should cut him some slack, and if it''s the latter then I think that a conversation is in order. Money issues are a huge cause of stress in many marriages, and it can be difficult to overcome them.

If he needs help managing his money then maybe you could each sit down and make a household budget. Write down how much money is coming in, subtract your necessary expenses and, if there''s anything left, allocate it for savings/investments. If there is nothing left to save or invest then it''s time to pare down.

 

[merilenda]

I think it really depends on the situation. My SO and I are pretty much always broke, but we''re grad students. Neither of us are really fiscally irresponsible, but we just don''t have any substantial income as students. Now, it would be totally different if he had a fulltime job.

 

[sillyberry]

Yeah...provided his financial circumstances aren''t such that he is living hand to mouth, not having $13 for a haircut would worry me.

If he said he didn''t have the money for a new TV or a fancy dinner, okay. Or if he said he likes his hair the way it is and just didn''t want to pay for a haircut, okay.

But not having the money? That indicates some serious financial mismanagement to me. It is a pattern with him never to have any disposable income available? Does he have debt, either student loans or credit card debt?

I think you''re smart to be looking at this now!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Honestly, I would be terrified (!) to marry a man (who is 35, working full time etc.) who couldn''t afford a 13$ haircut.. unless there were some serious (and temporary) circumstances that were making his finances stressful. Honestly, terrified.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Id be worried...have you talked alot about finances? if not, it might be a good time to do so...

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Take a step back and think about what he is spending his money on before worrying to much.

My BF has a house mortgage and is constantly paying rates, electricity, etc. On top of that we are saving to go overseas at the end of the year, and to buy some furniture and other things. And if a really big bill comes in he does have moments where by he has tight weeks. Not because he is bad with money but because he likes to make sure his bills are sorted out before spending on anything else.

If on the other hand we were renting and he had no money all the time I would be seriously annoyed and probably not intested in pursuing a relationship with him because I know I would come to resent him in the future, because I am quite good with my money.

I have a boyfriend in the past who managed to be broke every week and I couldn''t even understand what he was spending all his money on, that was a nightmare for sure.

 

[TheMisses]

Girl, I have not dated anyone where this has been a problem, but I know how it is because my mom deals with it with my dad. When he was making a lot of money she had made suggestions of where to invest that would have had us sitting real pretty right about now. My dad played in the NFL (in the 80''s so he didn''t make CRAZY $ but he made 6 figures easy for years and years). He made all the wrong financial decisions and has barely anything to show for himself now. My mom and him divorced but are now remarried and she still calls me annoyed about the way he handles finances. My mom purchased the home they live in now by herself before they remarried, and she never made nearly as much as he did.

Some women just have to take control over that stuff.

See how he feels about letting you handle all of the finances. If he is okay with it, sit him down and find out exactly how much money is coming in and how much is going out. Budget EVERYTHING, not just rent/mrtg, cell, gas & electric, groceries etc. You have to put in those extras like Netflix, trips to the drug store, going out to dinner, haircuts and all of that.

I would suggest having him use his debit card only for about 2 weeks or so and keep all his receipts. That way you can really see where the $ is going. A lot of times people are spending more than they make and they don''t really realize it.

Hope this helps!

 

[elrohwen]

Do you have any access to each other''s accounts? Does he let you see how much he has in checking/savings and how much is on his credit card? These are extremely important things to know before getting engaged (not just getting married) and I think it might help to sit down and go through all of this stuff with him so you''re on the same page. If you still feel like he''s irresponsible with money, that''s something you need to think about and work on before getting engaged.

And as far as the haircut goes, does the place only take cash? DH''s barber only takes cash and DH rarely has any money to pay him, so he takes it out of my wallet. DH is very financially responsible, he just doesn''t carry cash. Is it possible this was your bf''s problem? Or did he really not have $13 in his accounts?

 

[monarch64]

Ditch him. Seriously. I can''t believe you even took the time and consideration to begin a thread about this. Someone who is 15, let alone 35 doesn''t have $13 for a haircut and has horrible money management skills is not marriage material. You will NOT be able to change this about him. Trust me. Make your break now before you get further involved with this guy.

 

[LadyJane83]

Depends on whether he literally can''t afford it.

For example, sometimes I''ll say "we can''t afford to go out to dinner" or, "I can''t afford to buy that" (even if it''s a $20 shirt). But that doesn''t mean I don''t have the $20 in my bank account. It usually just means that I feel like I''ve been spending too much money lately and feel like I should hold off for a bit.

If he really doesn''t have $13 in his bank account, then yes, be worried. Very worried.

 

[onedrop]

The title of your thread reads that your BF is *always* broke. So based on that it seems like him having little to no cash flow is an issue for him, and by extension you? If I were thinking of marrying someone with constant cash flow issues, then I would take the time to understand why this is happening. If these issues come up as the result of him making bad or irresponsible money decisions, then yeah I'd be worried and may even take a step back before getting married. If, however the issues are there because he is working to pay debt, like a student loan, or mortgage or has other financial obligations, then I think that type of situation is different. And while this situation would not stop me in my tracks, I would give it a loooonnnng thought before making a huge commitment like marriage.

Money issues will definitely follow you into a marriage and can present major problems as I am sure you are aware. And if he is still making bad money decisions at 35, then I don't see things getting any better in the short term if ever. A close friend of mine has been married for 5 years to a man that is a mess financially, and it has been a STRUGGLE for her. She knew about his issues before the marriage because she was essentially supporting him financially while they were dating. Like you she was concerned about this issue, but she went ahead with the marriage anyway, I guess thinking that he would "mature" money-wise after the wedding....not so. In fact I think the issues got worse after the marriage because he started to expect that she'd handle everything when he got himself into trouble with money (or lack of). So if you are thinking of marrying your BF then just keep in mind if there are $ issues now, they will continue to be there when you get married. So to answer your question, I think you need to find out more about why he is *always* broke. Then you can decide if you should be worried.

 

[RaiKai]

I guess it depends if he means he just does not want to get a haircut right now so spending money on one right now is not a priority, if it is not in his budget this week, or if he really is always "broke" and what the reasons are for it (student loans etc).

I have to say though...one of my first thoughts was I don''t think it is up to you to tell him when to get a haircut either! He is a grown man and can decide when and how to cut his own hair!

I do think there are a few things...including your approaches to finances and so on...that need to be sorted out before you get engaged.

 

[karpouzi]

I know you didn''t ask about this, but two things concern me about your post. One is that you say he''s always broke--that''s an issue. The other is that you sent him to get a haircut before your friend''s party.

I think that before you really consider marriage, you should take some time to figure out who he is, particularly whether the money issue is a real issue. But you should also relax and let him be who he is, and not tell him to get his hair cut like you''re his mother. Unless he has such bad grooming that you actually do have to tell him to take care of things like that, in which case this would be another issue, like the money issue, that requires further monitoring.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/16/2010 6:08:04 PM
Author: karpouzi
I know you didn''t ask about this, but two things concern me about your post. One is that you say he''s always broke--that''s an issue. The other is that you sent him to get a haircut before your friend''s party.

I think that before you really consider marriage, you should take some time to figure out who he is, particularly whether the money issue is a real issue. But you should also relax and let him be who he is, and not tell him to get his hair cut like you''re his mother. Unless he has such bad grooming that you actually do have to tell him to take care of things like that, in which case this would be another issue, like the money issue, that requires further monitoring.

Uh, yeah, the highlighted portion above was also my initial concern.

How long have you guys been dating, hisspecialk?

 

[Amber St. Clare]

You told him to get a haircut??

Maybe he just doesn't want to get a hair cut and used finances as an excuse?


eta: Didn't the two of you have issues about affording a ring in the past month or so...{apologies if you are NOT the poster, your name just stuck out for me}...you wanted to offer to help pay for the ring?

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 5/16/2010 6:54:20 PM
Author: Amber St. Clare
You told him to get a haircut??

Maybe he just doesn''t want to get a hair cut and used finances as an excuse?

I thought of this as well - if that''s the case and he actually can afford to spend 13$, perhaps it''s a different situation, but otherwise I''m still completely with Monarch on this one!

 

[elrohwen]

Honestly, telling him to get a haircut is the least of her problems. I tell DH to get haircuts all the time! Without my prompting he lets it go until he looks like Wolverine, but if I tell him needs it he''ll agree and begrudgingly go. Reminding your SO that they could use a trim because you have a social engagement really isn''t that weird. The lack of $13 is a much bigger deal.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/16/2010 9:30:53 PM
Author: elrohwen
Honestly, telling him to get a haircut is the least of her problems. I tell DH to get haircuts all the time! Without my prompting he lets it go until he looks like Wolverine, but if I tell him needs it he''ll agree and begrudgingly go. Reminding your SO that they could use a trim because you have a social engagement really isn''t that weird. The lack of $13 is a much bigger deal.

Ditto. SO is completely oblivious to all forms of grooming and dress other than being clean-shaven and wearing clean clothes. He also sometimes notices that his hair resembles a haystack after he gets out of the shower and asks where I put ''that hair stuff'' (serum) so he can de-poof his hair so it no longer looks like he''s been licking an electrical socket.

It''s up to me to tell him when it''s time to get it cut, what to ask for, and if it looks good. I wouldn''t read so much into her telling him to get a haircut. It might be a sign that she''s a domineering harridan, or it might mean that he just keeps procrastinating getting one and she''s reminding him that it needs to be done.

 

[Hest88]

Agreed. Lots of guys just don''t care about their appearance to be party-perfect at all times. I don''t think it''s unusual for women to remind their guys it''s time for a haircut. What *does* worry me is a 35 year old who may be broke all the time, unless that''s an exaggeration. If it''s were a one-off thing I *might* think it''s his excuse not to go get a haircut, but if the OP truly means all the time...then I would make sure he gets his act together before they get married or come to some agreement where she manages the money.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

In his defense, I know that my DH would say something like this thinking in his head that he just thought of a great excuse to get out of something he doesn''t want to do anyway. I would ask him if he just doesn''t want the haircut and he''s trying to get you off his back - or if he really cannot afford it. If he really cannot afford it then that is a huge issue and one that needs to be addressed straight away.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I thought I''d give you some perspective for the other side. I''m almost 35 and there are times when I absolutely do not have $13 that I''m willing to spend because money is so tight. Between mortgage and the kids'' daycare, car insurance/payment and the million other bills, money is not my friend. I don''t know what situation your BF is in, but if he is so broke all the time, I''d suggest talking to him about it. He is probably ashamed of the fact, but it''s something to discuss prior to getting married.

I''m not proud of my financial situation by far, but it doesn''t define who I am. I don''t think I''m pathetic or not worthy of marrying just because I have large financial obligations as a single mother.

 

[hisspecialk]

Hello sorry Ihave been away. . ok .. whew .. to address everything and everyone. .

first we''ve been dating alittle over 2 years now

second I didn''t really TELL him to go get a hair cut .. honesty i asked if he could prior to the engagement. . .i honestly don''t believe he didn''t want to go .. he''s pretty good about telling me if he doesn''t want to go to something. . .

Yes that was me who was posting recently about concern that he couldnt afford a ring. . . .

He did get a haircut (i paid for it) and we have gone back and forth over time.. i haven''t been in a situation to not be able to do things oike that. . i am big on saving money and taking care of bills. . .its important to me. . . he has paid for me to get a pedicure or manicure (or both) a time when i went to the spa with my girls he paid for my treatment. .. .so it''s not one sided .. .BUT I am concerned that I hear him talking about not having this or that. . . .regularly.

Our sons go to the same private school and he is splitting the tution with his sons mother and he struggles with that. .. i am a single mother and paying my child''s tuition on my own and he is not in any special program to reduce it or anything. .

I keep thinking it''s because he''s helping his mom who is unemployed. . .ok ok ok . .BUT . . . .it''s been 2 years we''ve been together and i don''t know what it''s like to see him financial comfortable. .. his mom has been unemployed for 3 years. ..

 

[megumic]

It might be a good idea to have a serious conversation about finances, or perhaps even meet with a financial planner. It''s important to continue looking with an eye towards retirement and how you''ll survive. You see how his mother''s job loss had burdened him (and you) and mention how it sure would be nice to not burden his own child(ren).

If you cannot afford a financial planner, or one does not provide a free consult, or he won''t go, perhaps a financial planning book about what''s important to do with your money at his age.

For us, the best thing we did to understand where our money was going was to just spend normally for a month but keep track of every cent. We realized how much we were overspending and located where we could cut and pay better attention. (Such as buying thermal coffee mugs and using them instead of buying two coffees a day, etc.)

Overall though, it seems like you need to get on the same page financially. Good luck - I know how hard this is and everyone goes through the financial stuff.

 

[PumpkinPie]

HappyNewLife - I hope I didn''t seem judgmental - I was not intending to be rude. I work with many single parents who are struggling financially and I appreciate the sacrifices that they make for their kids.

After reading Hisspecialk''s newest post I have to say that I didn''t realise either that he was a divorced parent with a child in private school or that he has been helping his unemployed mother for the past 3 years. I still advocate being very cautious marrying someone who is seriously struggling financially as finances are one of the biggest sources of conflict and stress for couples.

 

[blacksand]

I think you need to seriously discuss this. You don''t seem to be sure of where his money is going. This surprises me a bit. If he is supporting his mother, you should find out exactly how much of a financial obligation this is and how long it will go on. It may well be forever, which means yes, unless his income increases, he will probably always be broke. You should definitely seriously consider whether you want to marry someone who is always broke, whether it''s a case of financial mismanagement or simply unpreventable circumstances.

On the flip side, I will readily admit to you that I do not always have $13 to spend. I''ve had weeks where I ate rice and beans because I couldn''t afford any fresh foods. My boyfriend has paid for some things that I needed but couldn''t afford, like repairs for my car. I have a lot of debt. Some from student loans, some from credit cards. I had a lot of unexpected medical bills two years ago that insurance would not cover, had an accident and needed to buy a new car, had to put tuition and books for my MA on the credit card, and suddenly I was way over my head in debt. Those things added up so quickly it was unbelievable, and I''d always been good with money. I''m not proud of my situation. Currently, I''m making the largest payments I can possibly afford, and I know it will still take me about two years to pay it all off. But the thing is, I told my boyfriend about all of this after we''d been dating for just a few weeks. I knew I wasn''t in the most desirable situation, I didn''t want to unload my debt on him, and I didn''t want to end up losing him down the road when he found out how much I owed. So we talked about it. We put together a plan. We''re not getting married until after the debts are paid off (at my insistence). I won''t burden him with that. The good news is that my balance is going down, and we celebrate every milestone in debt reduction together. I gues my point is twofold: 1) his financial situation is not necessarily indicative of his being irresponisble. In fact, if he were irresponsible, you''d know it by now. You would have seen him making extravagant purchases and getting collections notices,etc. after two years of dating. So I don''t think it''s an automatic dealbreaker, although that''s up to you to decide. 2) You really need to get to the bottom of this. Talk about it now. You need a clear understanding of what you''re getting into. If the money problems are temporary, you need a plan and a timeline that''s acceptable to both of you. If it''s permanent, you need to make a decision sooner rather than later. I hope you''ll achieve what''s best for your family.