Have You Ever Given BAD Advice?

[iLander]

I vaguely knew this couple, they had been living together for about 5 years. Every time I saw the woman, she complained that they weren't married yet. Seriously, it was endless on this one subject. Finally, one day, I said

"Have you asked him why you aren't married yet?"

She said no, she was afraid of screwing it up. I urged her to ask him, and to move forward with the relationship or move on.

A few months later, I saw the guy, and he said they were engaged. Yay! I thought.

Fast forward 5 years. They got married, and they had a daughter. She has a genetic disease which compromises her immune system, and she has multiple medical issues. She goes to school, etc., but she is constantly seeing doctors and being ill.

This has been a regret in my life, and I feel awful about it.

Have you ever given advice which turned out to be awful?

 

[LibbyLA]

They probably would have gotten married anyway. Even if they hadn't, they might have had their daughter even if they weren't married. They may not view their daughter's problems with the same regret that you do. I think you're giving yourself way too much "credit" for this.

liz

 

[momhappy]

I don't see the connection? You giving them advice to get engaged has nothing to do with them having a sick child. I understand that the marriage led to having a child, but the fact that the child is sick has nothing to do with you. The only exception would be if the couple had prior knowledge of a genetic defect (sometimes, couples have genetic screening before trying to conceive), they shared that information with you, and you still encouraged them to get married despite that information. Also, is the couple struggling (as in no longer in love, fighting, etc.)? If not, just having a sick child, does not equal bad advice on your part. None of us can predict the future. What if you had not encouraged them to get engaged, she grew tired of waiting, and left him. Fast forward years later and she is unhappily married to someone else - always wondering "what if" had she married the other guy. There are any number of scenarios. My point is that your advice was not bad advice - it was the same advice that many of us would have given. It was good advice based on the circumstances, so I wouldn't give another thought to regret in regards to the situation.
To answer your original question, yes, I've given bad advice. I'm sure that we all have at some point in our lives.

 

[junebug17]

Your advice wasn't bad ilander, many of us would have said the same thing to her. There's a good chance they would have gotten married eventually anyway. There is no way you could have known they would have a sick child. It's a shame for you to feel badly about this. Please work on not feeling guilty about giving this advice, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

[JewelFreak]

Ditto what everybody else said. Yours was the natural reaction -- and she probably would have gotten to that point anyway, by herself, and may have been ready to fish or cut bait without your advice. You didn't MAKE them get married, or have a child, and you sure had nothing to do with its genetics. This one isn't about you.

iLander, honey, there's enough guilt to go around without carrying around what you didn't earn! You can safely lay down this burden.

Of course, I've never given bad advice in my whole life!

--- Laurie

 

[mary poppins]

They probably would have gotten married anyway. Even if they hadn't, they might have had their daughter even if they weren't married. They may not view their daughter's problems with the same regret that you do. I think you're giving yourself way too much "credit" for this.

liz

Indeed. Islander, your post said you gave her advice and then months later found out they were engaged. Do you even know if she acted on the advice you gave? Perhaps she continued in the relationship silent on the engagement issue and he finally decided to propose on his own. In addition, even if they hadn't married each other, one or both could have proceeded to marry someone else and had a child who wasn't perfectly healthy.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I think you are taking credit for something that is not yours to take. I am sure they love their daughter and to infer that she is some kind of mistake is really surprising for someone to say.

 

[iLander]

I think I may have "yadda, yadda, yadda" -ed my way through this story.

The acquaintance called me for a couple of weeks after their initial conversation and I keep urging her forward, even though she was getting lots of blow back from her boyfriend. She seemed to be getting all her courage from me. I got busy, she stopped calling, and then we lost touch.

A few months later, the husband told me about the engagement, and he said something about me giving his wife "ideas". We just laughed and I figured it was a fun joke.

And the husband does actually blame me for the difficulties, I think. The way I found out about the child was running into him again through work, and he told me the story of the girl in a short, clipped tone. His new wife had to give up her job to take care of the girl and their income had dropped quite a bit. And he gave me quite a look and a frown. He said something along the lines of "We were just going along just fine, living together . . . " and he looked away. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it, this was all about 15 years ago so it's hard to remember.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If the husband blames you, then that is just pretty messed up!

 

[Dee*Jay]

iLander, you didn't MAKE them get married. All the suggestion in the wolrd is one thing, but you did not compel two adults to do anything they didn't want to do. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

If the two of them had had a wonderful life together and a fabulous perfect (whatever the means) child, do you think they would be sending you flowers and singing your praises about how their fantastic life is all because of you? Not likely.

And BTW, guilt is a useless emotion.

 

[momhappy]

I think I may have "yadda, yadda, yadda" -ed my way through this story.

The acquaintance called me for a couple of weeks after their initial conversation and I keep urging her forward, even though she was getting lots of blow back from her boyfriend. She seemed to be getting all her courage from me. I got busy, she stopped calling, and then we lost touch.

A few months later, the husband told me about the engagement, and he said something about me giving his wife "ideas". We just laughed and I figured it was a fun joke.

And the husband does actually blame me for the difficulties, I think. The way I found out about the child was running into him again through work, and he told me the story of the girl in a short, clipped tone. His new wife had to give up her job to take care of the girl and their income had dropped quite a bit. And he gave me quite a look and a frown. He said something along the lines of "We were just going along just fine, living together . . . " and he looked away. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it, this was all about 15 years ago so it's hard to remember.

You're still making your own assumptions here. First of all, of course he would talk about his sick child in a short, clipped tone - it's a sick child and probably not something he likes to discuss. Second, he said things were going along just fine, living together, but obviously, you know that wasn't the case. Sure, things may have been "fine" for him, but the woman wasn't happy just living together as she had expressed to you. Third, again, there's no way of knowing just how this story would have played out anyways. Your advice, was simply advice, and did not really have much at all to do with the actual circumstances.

 

[bunnycat]

I think I may have "yadda, yadda, yadda" -ed my way through this story.

The acquaintance called me for a couple of weeks after their initial conversation and I keep urging her forward, even though she was getting lots of blow back from her boyfriend. She seemed to be getting all her courage from me. I got busy, she stopped calling, and then we lost touch.

A few months later, the husband told me about the engagement, and he said something about me giving his wife "ideas". We just laughed and I figured it was a fun joke.

And the husband does actually blame me for the difficulties, I think. The way I found out about the child was running into him again through work, and he told me the story of the girl in a short, clipped tone. His new wife had to give up her job to take care of the girl and their income had dropped quite a bit. And he gave me quite a look and a frown. He said something along the lines of "We were just going along just fine, living together . . . " and he looked away. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it, this was all about 15 years ago so it's hard to remember.

She could also have gotten pregnant while they were living together and not married, and they still would have been in the same boat so I really hope he wasn't implying you caused this problem.

 

[kenny]

Yes.
Everything I said before age 50 was hogwash!

In ten years anything I'm saying now will be hogwash.

 

[madelise]

You might have given a push to them getting married, but you didn't force their child to have a disease. If they're holding grudges against you for this, they're just looking for an outlet to place blame. It's got nothing to do with you, iLander. You're a great person for urging her to step up and actually communicate with her partner-- something she SHOULD be doing anyway!!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

Years ago, before divorce was an everyday occurrence, a friend of ours filed for divorce because she found her husband was homosexual. She had lots of support from friends and family and she came out of the marriage financially OK and emotionally Ok. She got no money from him, and no blow-back from society. She made divorce look easy.

My ex husband and another ex husband blame her for our divorces(another friend). She did encourage us to do it if we wanted out of the marriage. I think it did influence us, but I'm not sorry, nor is my friend. While its not my advise I'm relaying, advise is sometimes taken seriously and the men were not happy at the outcome.

For certain, ILander, the outcome of any advise is like life itself, always uncertain, never knowing exactly what will happen.
Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad. Not your fault in any way. You are not a prophet.

Annette

 

[junebug17]

I think I may have "yadda, yadda, yadda" -ed my way through this story.

The acquaintance called me for a couple of weeks after their initial conversation and I keep urging her forward, even though she was getting lots of blow back from her boyfriend. She seemed to be getting all her courage from me. I got busy, she stopped calling, and then we lost touch.

A few months later, the husband told me about the engagement, and he said something about me giving his wife "ideas". We just laughed and I figured it was a fun joke.

And the husband does actually blame me for the difficulties, I think. The way I found out about the child was running into him again through work, and he told me the story of the girl in a short, clipped tone. His new wife had to give up her job to take care of the girl and their income had dropped quite a bit. And he gave me quite a look and a frown. He said something along the lines of "We were just going along just fine, living together . . . " and he looked away. I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it, this was all about 15 years ago so it's hard to remember.

Sounds like the husband is looking for someone/something to blame...I find that people do this sometimes to cope with a difficult situation. In the end we are all responsible for our own lives, and our own life choices and decisions. It is his problem if he thinks he was forced into something. Honestly, I think eventually she would have ended up having the same conversation with him with regard to getting married, even if you had not offered the advice. Maybe you sped up the process a little, but that's all. Again, please try not to feel guilty over this, nobody forced this couple to do anything - they made their own choices.

 

[iLander]

iLander, you didn't MAKE them get married. All the suggestion in the wolrd is one thing, but you did not compel two adults to do anything they didn't want to do. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

If the two of them had had a wonderful life together and a fabulous perfect (whatever the means) child, do you think they would be sending you flowers and singing your praises about how their fantastic life is all because of you? Not likely.

And BTW, guilt is a useless emotion.

This. It's so true, isn't it? This resonated with me, and I suddenly feel a lot better!

Whew!

ETA: Screw that guy for making me feel bad for all these years!

 

[iLander]

Ditto what everybody else said. Yours was the natural reaction -- and she probably would have gotten to that point anyway, by herself, and may have been ready to fish or cut bait without your advice. You didn't MAKE them get married, or have a child, and you sure had nothing to do with its genetics. This one isn't about you.

iLander, honey, there's enough guilt to go around without carrying around what you didn't earn! You can safely lay down this burden.

Of course, I've never given bad advice in my whole life!

--- Laurie

Also an excellent point. IS guilt just another form of self-centeredness? I think in my case, it just might be, I have to get over myself on this one . . .

 

[iLander]

Sounds like the husband is looking for someone/something to blame...I find that people do this sometimes to cope with a difficult situation. In the end we are all responsible for our own lives, and our own life choices and decisions. It is his problem if he thinks he was forced into something. Honestly, I think eventually she would have ended up having the same conversation with him with regard to getting married, even if you had not offered the advice. Maybe you sped up the process a little, but that's all. Again, please try not to feel guilty over this, nobody forced this couple to do anything - they made their own choices.

I think you're right, junebug. I think he's one of those guys that ducks responsibility, which is why he didn't own up to her feelings/needs in the first place. I think he's just that type, and I'm only his current "victim".

 

[iLander]

Thanks, guys! I feel so much better!

It's weird how you don't realize how MUCH something is bothering you until it stops . . .

 

[sphenequeen]

iLander, you didn't MAKE them get married. All the suggestion in the wolrd is one thing, but you did not compel two adults to do anything they didn't want to do. DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS.

If the two of them had had a wonderful life together and a fabulous perfect (whatever the means) child, do you think they would be sending you flowers and singing your praises about how their fantastic life is all because of you? Not likely.

And BTW, guilt is a useless emotion.

This. It's so true, isn't it? This resonated with me, and I suddenly feel a lot better!

Whew!

ETA: Screw that guy for making me feel bad for all these years!

iLander,
With all due respect it was you who made yourself feel bad all these years, not this other person. I think we can all learn from this situation that it is our own reactions that we have control over - and certainly not anyone's actions.

 

[AmandaK]

Maybe they don't think so. Even if you didn't give the advice, they might got married one day and had a daughter as well. They made the decision by themselves and I believe they have thought it over. Don't be too care, your suggestion is not bad.

 

[arkieb1]

Sounds like the husband is looking for someone/something to blame...I find that people do this sometimes to cope with a difficult situation. In the end we are all responsible for our own lives, and our own life choices and decisions. It is his problem if he thinks he was forced into something. Honestly, I think eventually she would have ended up having the same conversation with him with regard to getting married, even if you had not offered the advice. Maybe you sped up the process a little, but that's all. Again, please try not to feel guilty over this, nobody forced this couple to do anything - they made their own choices.

I think you're right, junebug. I think he's one of those guys that ducks responsibility, which is why he didn't own up to her feelings/needs in the first place. I think he's just that type, and I'm only his current "victim".

I am totally with Junebug, and glad someone else wrote that before me. As you know I pick up vibes of situations. I think you pick up similar vibes, so I am sorry his negativity got the better of you. Read what you wrote above, that is totally it, he IS one of those types of people......

I think it's a very easy cop out for lots of people to assign blame to someone else or something else. For many people with negative personalities this is a coping strategy ie I didn't get the job or raise so I blame everyone else for it, my wife, my kids, the people I work with, everyone else. My dog gets run over because I left the gate open, I blame the guy driving the car. Men neglect their wives working or whatever for years and then its this big shock when she ups and leaves.

This the the same. That guy is a total butt-hole looking for someone else to blame for his life. You happened to be convenient so he said that to you. Bad sh*@ in life happens to all of us, its how we deal with it that shows the world what type of character we truly have. His reaction says more about his character than it does about yours!!!!!