Guy''s prospective on the whole "Timeline" issue

[FarFarAway]

So I was discussing my dilemma with a good guy friend of mine who is usually exceptionally good at listening to "girl" issues with men. I told him that I was thinking of sitting SO down (yet again) and telling him that I love him very much, and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. However, getting engaged soon and getting married in the future is important to me, especially with the way my schedule will be in the next few years, and I need to have a goal to work towards. That I really cannot stay around in a relationship that just "goes with the flow" and end up where and whenever.

Well. He kinda lost it. He apparently HATES that girls sent these timelines for guys. He raised a point that I think SO will also raise: If you love us so much and want so badly to spend the rest of your lives with us, why does the ring and the engagement matter? Why does the time matter? JUST SPEND IT WITH US. JUST SPEND THE TIME FOCUSING ON WHAT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WE''VE GOT AND STOP STRESSING ABOUT WHEN AND WHERE MARRIAGE IS GONNA HAPPEN?? Why does the piece of paper matter? Why does it matter ENOUGH that if it doesn''t happen, you are willing to give up what you claim to be the most important and best thing in your life?

I was kinda shocked at his outburst so I told him I didn''t know and ran home. hehehe.
What do you ladies think? Why are we willing to give up the person we love for the ring?

 

[FireGoddess]

Well, it works both ways IMO. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, why does the ring matter? Just do it. Sure, okay, but if the ring doesn''t matter so much and you do plan to spend your life with her, why not just give the ring to her if that''s what she wants?

This might be short sighted of me but I think in terms of having a family ... it''s easier to drag things on when you''ve got reproductive organs that will crank out perfectly good sperm for the rest of your life. When you''ve got eggs with expiration dates, you kinda like to know that you''re in a relationship that is going in that direction. That''s my opinion, anyway. Of course a ring won''t guarantee that. But it is a representation of that intention (committed relationship, that is. The decision to have kids or not is another issue.)

If you don''t want to have kids though, that particular argument is moot.

 

[janinegirly]

it''s not about the ring. it''s about committment to a lifetime together, and the ring is just a symbol of that. whether or not it''s a big or small ring is irrelevant, but the fact is the act of going out and buying a ring and asking the girl in your life to marry you is the ulitimate sign of committment.

yes of course we all primarily value the time spent with our SO''s and that is what''s all about, but there are plenty of relationships that do not survive the next and more serious steps and just dating and talking about future "stuff" isn''t the same as stepping up and doing it.

timelines aren''t great, but they''re necessary sometimes. Women do not have the luxury of time like men do. if a women is thinking children, family, she needs to know the guy is serious (and we all know that talk isn''t enough. action is really all that counts end of the day), otherwise she could potentially date someone years and be surprised.

anyway, yes guys get defensive about it, but timelines are necessary tools to ensure that the couple is on the same, general wavelength. guys and girls see time differently. however, guys also do not do well with subtleties--so a timeline allows a guy to answer the girls questions with something concrete.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would never give up the person I loved for a ring. I would give up a person I loved if we didn''t share the same desires in our relationship. For some that is living apart and dating forever, for some it''s living together, for some it''s marriage. It isn''t about a ring and it isn''t about love, it''s about how you, as a individuals and as a couple, define a relationship that suits you and if you can''t agree than you aren''t compatible, no matter how much you love one another and it''s time to move on.

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/23/2007 5:30:26 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would never give up the person I loved for a ring. I would give up a person I loved if we didn''t share the same desires in our relationship. For some that is living apart and dating forever, for some it''s living together, for some it''s marriage. It isn''t about a ring and it isn''t about love, it''s about how you, as a individuals and as a couple, define a relationship that suits you and if you can''t agree than you aren''t compatible, no matter how much you love one another and it''s time to move on.

totally agree with this. It''s not the ring at all-it''s about sharing common goals for your future together.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 7/23/2007 5:30:26 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would never give up the person I loved for a ring. I would give up a person I loved if we didn''t share the same desires in our relationship. For some that is living apart and dating forever, for some it''s living together, for some it''s marriage. It isn''t about a ring and it isn''t about love, it''s about how you, as a individuals and as a couple, define a relationship that suits you and if you can''t agree than you aren''t compatible, no matter how much you love one another and it''s time to move on.

THIS is SO incredibly well said that there is nothing I can add to this......except that I wholeheartedly agree with Kimberly.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/24/2007 9:53:59 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 7/23/2007 5:30:26 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would never give up the person I loved for a ring. I would give up a person I loved if we didn''t share the same desires in our relationship. For some that is living apart and dating forever, for some it''s living together, for some it''s marriage. It isn''t about a ring and it isn''t about love, it''s about how you, as a individuals and as a couple, define a relationship that suits you and if you can''t agree than you aren''t compatible, no matter how much you love one another and it''s time to move on.

THIS is SO incredibly well said that there is nothing I can add to this......except that I wholeheartedly agree with Kimberly.

I''m so flattered, al! I missed a comma in there, but it was too late for me to edit. The sentiment remains the same; it''s all about compatability.

 

[Pandora II]

Hmm, I went through all that when I knew that my now FI was not keen on the idea of marriage.

One of the big issues for me was hating the way my friends and family looked at me in a "he''s obviously just not into you and you''re too blind to see it" look and I kept having to defend my relationship and him all the time.

I know that sounds pathetic but it really grinds you down and makes you doubt your own ability to see things clearly, especially when all you want is a ring on your finger!

There are also legal issues - here in the UK, if we are married and one person dies, the remaining spouse automatically inherits the house etc and doesn''t have to pay death tax etc - as an unmarried partner even after 30 years, you would have no legal rights to any property not in your own name and would have to pay 40% death tax on the estate if over a certain value

 

[akw94]

Date: 7/23/2007 5:06:27 PM
Author: janinegirly
it''s not about the ring. it''s about committment to a lifetime together, and the ring is just a symbol of that. whether or not it''s a big or small ring is irrelevant, but the fact is the act of going out and buying a ring and asking the girl in your life to marry you is the ulitimate sign of committment..

This is *exactly* what I was thinking!

 

[baby monster]

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions to figure out what is important to you:

a) To be legally married - there are financial and legal issues to think about such as debts, taxes, health insurance, etc. Do you have to have your relationship recognized by the government?

b) To have your relationship validated to others - for some reason ''boyfriend'' just doesn''t carry the same weight as ''husband'' to the world. You can have a committment ceremony for your friends and family and exchange rings. Maybe then everyone will stop asking: "When is he going to make a decent woman out of you?"

c) To have a ring - it''s a nice piece of jewelry and you can love and cherish it and discuss it on PS! LOL One of my co-workers recently got engaged (nice ring) so I asked her about the date of the wedding. Her reply: "I don''t care. I think this will be a very long engagement."

I do agree that you need to have a conversation with your SO just to figure out what he thinks about your relationship. Does he see you as a life partner just like you obviously see him? IMHO the answer to that question outweighs any timelines.

 

[happilyeverafter]

I agree with Kimberly completely, and i''d like to add that actions speak louder than words. Marriage is SO important (in your case) because it''s what you want, and it''s obviously very imporant to you for your own reasons. That alone should be enough for him to want to propose, nevermind him actually having to find out the reasons behind it. If he respects you and loves you, he should want to fufill this very imporant dream of yours, to get married.