"gratuitous" diamond?

[TravelingGal]

Happy Friday everyone...

Just thought I''d ask for some advice from diamond lovers. My boyfriend and I recently hunted for a 1 carat cushion for our engagement. Two very nice stones came up that fit our criteria and we decided on one.

The other one is still available, and I got the bug that I really wanted to buy it for my mother. Without going into to too much detail, I really think my mother is deserving of something nice. Moms are incredible beings by nature, but even my friends agree that my mom a cut above. We grew up pretty poor, and she sacrificed a lot for us.

I had told my boyfriend about this, and he was all for it. When I told him last night the deal was almost done, and that I was spending X, he kind of raised an eyebrow and said, "that''s a lot of money."

He''s totally fine with me doing it, but it got me thinking. We are getting married in October and we will have a decent chunk of change going out. The wedding cost is very reasonable (under 10K - and I have the money set aside separately for that) but I am also going to spend money on getting his family out here (they live in Australia) and paying for accommodation. This money could definitely go to other things.

Am I being selfish to want to give my mom this ring? I want to give it to her on the day that she sees my engagement ring (in a couple of weeks)...I''d love to tell her that even though I''m engaged to be married, I will always be her daughter and always be there for her, and present the ring. But now I am wondering if I should be more "sensible" with the money somehow. I am vacilating back and forth on this...part of me is thinking "that IS a lot of money" but part of me is thinking "What else will it go toward that will bring as much happiness as something nice for my mom?"

Argh. Anyway, I am debt free, and doing well financially. Part of me thinks this is the last time that I can have the "right" to spend this kind of money....*my* money - before it becomes *our* money. I''ll be using some of my annual bonus for this. I mean, what''s 5K in the scheme of a lifetime of wonderful things my mother has done for me, and will continue to do for me? Am I being unreasonable?

 

[AmberWaves]

TG, I think it''s very sweet and honorable that you''re wanting to do this. I don''t think there is anything wrong with it at all. But, and it''s a tiny but- could you spend a little less and get a smaller three stone ring? To show her she''s your past, present, and she''ll always be in your future? If that''s not a worthy idea, no problem. I commend you, and think it''s a fabulous way of thanking her for all she''s done.

 

[bstraszheim]

I think that if you can swing it, then do it. It really is a lovely thing for you to want to do. It certainly seems as though you are very good with your finances, so I don''t think that this will be a case of "I will buy it now and be broke later". I am sure that your Mom would appreciate it too.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[KittenKat]

I concur. This it''s an incredibly sweet idea. And obviously, your mother means the world to you - you''re so very lucky to have that!

I think you should go for it. Considering you don''t have debt, taking this on wouldn''t be the end of the world. I think your thoughtfulness goes above and beyond.

When I was 23, my mother was diagnosed with breat cancer. After her first major surgery, I bought her a Chanel bag she''d been wanting. It was such a stretch for a recent grad, and I used all of my tax refund on it... It made her feel wonderful - and she still uses it and tells the story to this day.

I know it''s a bit different than your situation - but the sentiment is the same. She was always there for me, and I wanted to give her something in return.

 

[KristyDarling]

Not gratuitous at all! What I''ve been learning through some of my own family experiences is that life is way too short, and we often don''t show our parents how very much we love them until it''s too late. My mom is a HUGE jewelry lover, but now that she''s really sick and needs a 24-hour nurse and lives in a nursing home, she doesn''t wear much jewelry anymore. If she were still healthy, I definitely would''ve given her some major blingage by now...just because I KNOW she''d adore it and she would appreciate the sentiment behind it. As it stands now, I can''t give her anything too nice or expensive anymore, for fear that it would get stolen or lost at her nursing home. Of course, I show her my love in other ways, but dang, she sure would love some big bling!

So, you''re debt-free, you''re at a major milestone in your life, and you want your Mom to understand the depths of your love. If you think that something exceptional like a diamond will illustrate that best for you and that your mom will love and appreciate the thought, then go for it! It is SO sweet of you to even think of it!

 

[Mara]

i was actually just thinking of this last nite, ally's post about everyone chipping in to get something nice for her mom got me thinking. also last year i kicked around the idea of getting something diamond-wise for my grandmother, who has never really had 'nice' things because she was raised differently than us and she really frowns upon 'superfluous' spending, aka if its not needed to eat or put a roof over your head, you don't need it kind of thinking. but i thought last year that maybe i should get her a 5 stone ring or something fun that she could wear (she never wears her wedding ring anymore or anything like that) and she never had an actual diamond before. so i was thinking about that again maybe for her birthday this year (though honestly i am really worried she just won't wear it...she is sooooo unassuming) AND also thinking about my mom because she was never really big into diamonds but now that she is getting older she is talking about getting a solitaire or something (she has a 5 stone wedding band) and my dad keeps eye-rolling but i was thinking for her next big anniversary (i think 25 years is like 3 years away) that maybe it'd be nice if we all could pool our $$ like ally and her family is doing to get my mom something nice too.

anyway obviously i'm just rambling about my thoughts, but i don't think it's unusual for the child, once grown up and successful in their own mind or whatever to want to give back to the parent for 'job well done'....i know my mom had to sacrifice alot for me and she worked really hard when i was young, she was a single mom etc and i know that as they get older too, family means even more to them seemingly...and staying close and all that. i know that my mom would be soo sentimental at the thought of us doing something like that for her...my grandma ehhh not so sure she might just think i am dumb for spending that kind of $$ on her. hehee. she'd much rather have a new bowl or something for the kitchen.

however, if your mom would love it, i think you should just go for it...5k in the scheme of 'life' is not a large amount especially if you have it and can afford it easily. you COULD spend a little less like 3k and maybe make yourself feel a little better about spending at a busy time like this? i love the idea of a 3 stone ring too (my mom has us 3 girls so i kicked around this idea too for the next anniversary)....

but bottom line i think it's a great idea and it is a sweet sentiment.

 

[Scintillating]

Would your Mom be okay with you spending that kind of money on her?
I''m not trying to imply that she wouldn''t be delighted, I''m just asking how she would feel about it.
Would it make her happy or would it make her uncomfortable?

Someday, when I have the means I would like to do something nice for my mom too.
You''re a very sweet daughter.

Scintillating...

 

[laurel_aurelia]

not to play devil''s advocate..
but my only fear is.. when i think about the money FI spent on my engagement ring, if i went out and bought the same size diamond for my mom, it might make him feel like what HE did was "easy enough" that i could randomly do it at the same time. like one carat diamonds are a dime a dozen. does that make sense/ i don''t know how to say what i''m thinking..

except that he''s probably saved up for this or been really excited about it and then you''re like "hey i''ll get one too!" lol

 

[decodelighted]

Please, nobody throw rocks ... pies are okay though ... as long as they're LEMON

But I have a little different take on this - from my own personal experience (not an expert!!)

*** PONTIFICATING PSYCHOBABBLE ALERT *** (proceed at your own risk--added for Mara)

A lot of times, when I get something nice - I have an incredible urge for everyone around me to have that "nice thing" too. It makes me uncomfortable to "have" when others "have not". I believe that this stems from my being the oldest of six kids and being a pretend "mommy" to them. For a long time I clothed my entire family by shopping at the Salvation Army - out of my own pocket. It's still hard not to shop for/scout out "deals" in 6 different sizes, buy stuff, wrap it up and send it.

Is it possible this urge is also to "level" things with your Mom. You feel odd "showing off" the awesome engagment ring to her without giving her something "equal"?

I'm NOT NOT NOT saying it's not a generous urge/gesture -- I just sense that there may be undercurrents going on that you might want to explore ... if these words resonate with you in any way.

(Also -- will you buy ME a cushion too??

)

 

[Mara]

deco...is that pontificating psychobabble you just posted? for shame!!!

lemon pies, ready aim fire!!!

but the cream is good.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/28/2006 3:07:05 PM
Author: Mara
deco...is that pontificating psychobabble you just posted? for shame!!!

Abso-crackin-lutely! Perhaps I should add a preface:


(TAYLOR HICKS for POPE!!!)

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it''s a lovely idea. You can afford it, so why not?? I bet your mom will be thrilled!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks everyone! The thoughts are flying fast and furious in my head.

I do love the 3 stone idea! But my mom just seems to really like the cushion and they seem so hard to find..especially nice ones. I think doing a 3 cushion ring might send me over the edge...I am not patient when it comes to diamond projects...I am too new at it (only have had to do the research on the engagement ring, and that was enough!). Plus Moremoremore''s cushion 3 stone has me spoiled on what I would want it to look like, hee hee.

I''ve been trying to figure out if it would make my mom uncomfortable. No doubt the first words out of her mouth would be "Are you crazy?" But I have given her jewelry in the past, and she just loves it. Of course, the most expensive piece I''ve given her to date was about $1600, so this is way more. I''m also wondering if a 1 carat will not look "mature" enough on her...but I think it will be fine.

KittenKat, so your mom beat the cancer? That''s great! And what a nice thing you did for you mom.

KristyDarling, I think what you said did hit home for me. I would regret it if I didn''t get it, I think. Life is short, and I would love to get her something she can enjoy now. My mom is 65, and while I think that is pretty darn young (and she is very healthy), who knows how long our loved ones will stay with us. My dad is the same age, and he is quite ill, with diabetes and has suffered several strokes. I agree that we need to cherish our parents (and loved) ones each and every day...and I think now is a great time to do this.

Thanks everyone for your support...I feel better about it now (and not as selfish).

 

[tawn]

Date: 4/28/2006 3:29:28 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Thanks everyone! The thoughts are flying fast and furious in my head.

I do love the 3 stone idea! But my mom just seems to really like the cushion and they seem so hard to find..especially nice ones. I think doing a 3 cushion ring might send me over the edge...I am not patient when it comes to diamond projects...I am too new at it (only have had to do the research on the engagement ring, and that was enough!). Plus Moremoremore''s cushion 3 stone has me spoiled on what I would want it to look like, hee hee.

I''ve been trying to figure out if it would make my mom uncomfortable. No doubt the first words out of her mouth would be ''Are you crazy?'' But I have given her jewelry in the past, and she just loves it. Of course, the most expensive piece I''ve given her to date was about $1600, so this is way more. I''m also wondering if a 1 carat will not look ''mature'' enough on her...but I think it will be fine.

KittenKat, so your mom beat the cancer? That''s great! And what a nice thing you did for you mom.

KristyDarling, I think what you said did hit home for me. I would regret it if I didn''t get it, I think. Life is short, and I would love to get her something she can enjoy now. My mom is 65, and while I think that is pretty darn young (and she is very healthy), who knows how long our loved ones will stay with us. My dad is the same age, and he is quite ill, with diabetes and has suffered several strokes. I agree that we need to cherish our parents (and loved) ones each and every day...and I think now is a great time to do this.

Thanks everyone for your support...I feel better about it now (and not as selfish).

I can''t think of anything "selfish" about wanting to give your mom such a grand gift! You could add tiny surprise diamonds on the sides in you and your mom''s birthstones!

 

[TravelingGal]

Decodelighted, that was a well thought out post. Thank you. Now, if you were to say you were going to type your point until it worked its way into my brain, or some other such statement, I might be a little worried...

I thought about that, but I don''t think so in my case. My mom would be so thrilled about my ring...and I would be proud to show it to her. In fact, it has crossed my mind that she actually doesn''t LIKE cushions but just oohed and ahhed over the pic I showed her because my mom is supportive in everything I do (unless it''s really not in my best interest). I have also wondered if she will feel goofy wearing a similiar diamond to what I have. All good points and something to think about.

Laurel, you also raise a good point. I have to think about my boyfriend''s feelings. When I got the thought in my head, I asked him his opinion. He was all for it, but I don''t think he knew to what extext I was thinking about spending. Especially because I outearn my boyfriend by a lot, I don''t want him to feel bad. He is paying for the bulk of my stone, and I am paying for the setting (I have no problems "chipping in" if my tastes are too high for what I think someone should pay. I actually didn''t care for a ring in the first place). I really wanted to get my mom a round, so my boyfriend wouldn''t look at the ring I am buying for my mom and feel like my ring from him is any less special. But if I am going to spend the money, I am going to get her something she absolutely loves. I personally don''t care if it''s similiar looking to mine. I want her to have the best I can give.

So yes, all areas of concern, which is why I posted this in the first place. I guess I was wondering if my desire to knock her socks off and make her happy (and in the end, I know she would be) is disrespectful of my boyfriend. I know if I ask again, he''ll be all for it, but that''s because he wants ME to be happy.

 

[hlmr]

TravelingGal, I have tears in my eyes....okay actually they''re rolling down my cheeks now...

I think that is such a beautiful, thoughtful thing to do for your mother and I think you are a wonderful daughter. My mother never even had a real diamond and she loved jewellery so much, but I lost her before I was in a position to buy her something really nice.

Since you will be spending money on his family''s travel and accomodations, perhaps that can help you both rationalize the spending of this money for your mom.

Heather

 

[laurel_aurelia]

maybe i''m just jealous because i want one.

no, in all seriousness -- if your boyfriend TRULY doesn''t mind (honestly, mine wouldn''t mind, if we had the money for it, i just figured i could see why SOME might mind), then this would be an AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING present! but i''m not sure i''d present it on the day you tell your mom you''re getting engaged; it''d take away from YOUR day.
what about mothers'' day??

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL Laurel Aurelia...most likely my mom would be seeing my ring for the first time ON mother''s day.

And she already knows we are getting married - we''ve set the date the ring is just a formality. I don''t mind doing it on the same day...I really don''t think of it as my day I guess.

hlmr, sorry to hear that about your mom. It sounds like you had a great relationship with her, and I reckon that she knew full well how much you loved her...diamond or not.

And yes, cushions for everyone! I''m buying!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/28/2006 4:12:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

And yes, cushions for everyone! I''m buying!

Sweet! I''ve been wanting a cushion...

I think that''s a wonderful gesture to give your mother and a very generous one.

 

[Mara]

woo hoo a cushion!!!

(deco only gets pie)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/28/2006 4:25:51 PM
Author: Mara
woo hoo a cushion!!!

(deco only gets pie)

Wow, the price of pontificating psychobabble! Does she at least get a CZ with that pie?

btw, I just got my setting...didn''t think one could get so excited over a piece of metal with a big hole in it. Look at PS is doing to me...

 

[hlmr]

Date: 4/28/2006 4:12:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal
LOL Laurel Aurelia...most likely my mom would be seeing my ring for the first time ON mother''s day.

And she already knows we are getting married - we''ve set the date the ring is just a formality. I don''t mind doing it on the same day...I really don''t think of it as my day I guess.

hlmr, sorry to hear that about your mom. It sounds like you had a great relationship with her, and I reckon that she knew full well how much you loved her...diamond or not.

And yes, cushions for everyone! I''m buying!

Thanks TravelingGal. Sorry for getting all mushy and emotional on you. Your thread struck a tender chord with me.

I''d like to add my name to that cushion list please and thank you!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/28/2006 4:32:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/28/2006 4:25:51 PM
Author: Mara
woo hoo a cushion!!!(deco only gets pie)

Wow, the price of pontificating psychobabble! Does she at least get a CZ with that pie?

Hilarious, chappies! And, hey, beggers can't be choosers -- so I gladly accept: all types of pie, fakes, and good-natured ribbin'.

TravelingGal ... I promise never to attempt brain-burrowing or implant any happiness unless specifically requested to ... also: I'd need a note from your doctor!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/28/2006 5:07:59 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/28/2006 4:32:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/28/2006 4:25:51 PM
Author: Mara
woo hoo a cushion!!!(deco only gets pie)

Wow, the price of pontificating psychobabble! Does she at least get a CZ with that pie?

Hilarious, chappies! And, hey, beggers can''t be choosers -- so I gladly accept: all types of pie, fakes, and good-natured ribbin''.

TravelingGal ... I promise never to attempt brain-burrowing or implant any happiness unless specifically requested to ... also: I''d need a note from your doctor!

Hey, I''m actually happy with any attempt by you or any other PSers to brain burrow happiness...as long as I retain my appetite for pie after reading your posts.

hlmr, aw, you got me mushy too (actually quite a few of these posts did). And you''re on the list for a cushion. Mark T''s gonna be busy!!

 

[Mara]

OHHHKKAYYYY i guess....fine, deco gets a CZ. we can at least make it big.

 

[portoar]

I don''t think you''re being selfish . . . I think you are being incredibly wonderful. You found a diamond you love and you want to give it to someone who has sacrificed a lot on your behalf . . . I wouldn''t think twice, go with your heart. I wouldn''t even start trying to come up with less expensive alternatives. You''ve got the money, you''ve got the diamond picked out, this time will never come again (at least not for a long time) where you are free to be so generous to a mother who is obviously very special . . . go for it!

 

[MrsFrk]

I think it is a marvelous gesture...you sound like a great daughter, with an obviously great mom, for you to have this impulse. And if you can swing it $$$-wise without causing your marriage to begin in debt, I say go for it.

However- more psychobabble- I do think that it would be inappropriate to give your mother basically an engagement ring, right when you and your boyfriend are formalizing your engagement. This moment is supposed to be about your impending marriage; if I was your soon to be fiance, there would be a little "freaky" alarm going off in my head if my girlfriend decided to give her mom an engagement ring (though that is not the meaning behind it, you''re thinking a solitaire, right?) at the same time I was presenting her with a ring.

My suggestion would be to perhaps have the cushion made into a pendant, or just present the diamond to her loose.

 

[Lorelei]

I just wanted to say that we spent a lot on my beloved Father to thank him for all he had done for us, he was a very frugal man and outrageously spoiling him gave us a lot of joy, to see the look of amazement on his face or him saying " I never thought that would happen to me", now he is no longer with us I have the memories of being able to shower him with the things he wanted but never thought he would get. Priceless. So if you can afford it why not?

 

[blodthecat]

I speak now from a mother''s perspective.

If one of my daughters even thought of doing something like that for me, then i would be very moved! It is a wonderfully kind and loving gesture...and you are obviously a very loving daughter.

HOWEVER...on your engagement, I would want the only ring people were admiring to be YOURS! That would really matter to me. And I think it would matter to your partner too.

A young couple starting out in life have a lot of expenses. I would want you to preserve you money for that.

A small token gesture...say a lovely chain set with a small diamond would be fantastic (but not a ring). Nothing too expensive, but just a small token to show your mum how much she really means to you. And of course a big hug from you...

I really think your mum would feel more comfortable with that. (IMO)

Good luck...and let us know how you get on

 

[pearcrazy]

If I missed this I''m sorry but is your mother married? If she is then I don''t think you should present her with a ring that''s nicer than her engagement ring if she has one. If she doesn''t have one then her husband might not like you giving her an engagement style ring. Perhaps a pretty right hand ring with a halo of colored stones or a solitaire neckace or two smaller diamond stud earrings. I don''t think you should give her anything that would be construed as an engagement style ring. I would be touched if my daughter wanted to give me a diamond but I would feel uncomfortable getting it around the time she gets her ring, and I wouldn''t want her buying me an engagement ring. To me it steals the thunder away from your boyfriend who is making this grand gesture in buying you a beautiful ring. It''s your time to shine no doubt, but it''s also his.