Good news and bad

[blacksand]

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my boyfriend''s job interview. He thought it went really well and was feeling really confident about it. I had a really good feeling about it for some reason. I never have good feelings. I''m a worrier and a pessimist. But I really felt differently about this one, and I was eagerly awaiting the call, the celebratory dinner, the champagne, and the renewed talk of engagement. But it didn''t come. At this point, it doesn''t look like it will.

We had a simultaneous double meltdown on Friday night. It was BAD. He was helping with the food shopping for the double surprise birthday party I was throwing for my parents. I''ve never really planned a party on this scale without help from my mom, so I was a nervous wreck. Not to mention I had just found out that day about some "restructuring" at work that puts my job in a very precarious position. All that, and I HATE shopping. So we were both on edge, and we argued about everything from what kind of chips to buy to how much icing we would need for the cake. We were still bickering when we got back to my place. I lay down on the couch in exasperation. Then he lay down with me and started to cry. I had literally NEVER seen him cry before. He told me he was scared [about his job situation]. I knew he was...but I had never heard him say it. All I could do was hold him and tell him things will get better, and that I''ll be here no matter what. I feel powerless to help, and I hate it.

The good: We got it together and got some cooking done late Friday night, and spent all day Saturday with his best friends from college, whom we almost never get to see. I had only met them once before in all the time we''ve been dating. They live in different places and are mostly married with kids now, so it''s just hard to get together. In any case, we had a great day, I felt really comfortable with all of them, one of them repeatedly slipped and referred to me as his fiancee, and [warning: this is dumb] they all added me as facebook friends by the end of the day. Yes, I know, facebook is no measure of a relationship, it''s silly, it''s ridiculous, but I still like feeling like his friends are now my friends, in some small way. Then Sunday, we actually managed to pull off the surprise party! I couldn''t have done it without my brother and my boyfriend, who were both amazing. We had about 30 guests, and all the food I cooked and the cake I baked were well received. All of my relatives went out of their way to thank my boyfriend for his role in planning the party. They hugged him, they kissed him, they actually clapped for him along with me and my brother. I know my family loves my boyfriend, but to see how comfortably ALL of my relatives interacted with him was really nice. My mom even included him when we took a photo of the immediate family.

I woke up this morning to an e-mail from his mom, asking me how the party went and if I was able to use the slow cooker she lent me. I know this is all really mundane stuff, but I love it. I love watching him get closer to my family and friends, and getting closer to his. I really feel our lives intertwining more and more every day, and it''s the greatest feeling I''ve ever had.

 

[sonnyjane]

I''m sorry

Has he contacted the employer? It''s really important to follow-up and be persistent!

Also, don''t worry too much about getting into little fights with him. I was unemployed for FOURTEEN MONTHS and it was a huge stress on our marriage. It really does something to a person''s self worth when you are constantly rejected for jobs for which you are qualified, and I was taking that frustration out on my husband, even though he had nothing to do with it. When I finally found a job, it was like the clouds had lifted and all was right with the world again. I hope that if this opportunity doesn''t pan out, another one will soon.

 

[luckynumber]

ok, so life has thrown you some curveballs of late.

but here''s the silver lining:

1. your BF feels comfortable enough to let his true feelings show in front of you. He treats you like family

2. you and him both were able to pull it together to get the job done. Great teamwork

3. your family have already accepted him in a big way into their lives

It''s all going in the right direction. I don''t believe a couple will survive overall if they can''t survive a few rough patches first. This is all relationship building stuff, and will make you stronger in the end. I say well done!

 

[blacksand]

Thanks. I know it is really taking a toll on him, and I hate that I can''t really do much to help. Of course I''ve passed on job advertisements I''ve found, practiced interview questions with him, and helped him pick out a nice suit to wear on interviews, but most of the time, all I can do is hug him and tell him I''m here no matter what. I hate that.

I have to say that he is really not the best about following up. He''s always afraid to come off too aggressive. He did, however, send an e-mail to the employer on Friday at my suggestion, but hasn''t heard anything back yet. I suppose, since they haven''t told him the position was filled, there''s a chance he''s still in the running, but we aren''t too optimistic after two weeks of no contact. The last two employers he interviewed with just kind of stopped all communication with him after the interview, and never replied to his follow-up e-mails. I can''t believe people can be so rude, really.

 

[blacksand]

Thanks, luckynumber. That''s how I feel as well. Things are far from perfect, but we are pulling together and making it work, and I love feeling like we can (and will!) get through anything together. These small, everyday triumphs make me disproportionately happy.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I''m sorry about the job sitch-- I hope they''re just slow and will extend the offer to him ASAP. It''s sweet though that you were there for him when he cried. He definitely feels comfy and vulnerable with you and that''s great. It''s even better that you were there for him.

And yay re: the best friends and birthday party going over so well.

*hugs*

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/26/2010 5:09:59 PM
Author: blacksand


I have to say that he is really not the best about following up. He's always afraid to come off too aggressive.

Please stress to him how important this is for future interviews! Companies aren't looking for passive people that expect things to fall into their lap, they are looking for people that are motivated and aggressive when it comes to getting what they want! Sure, calling and emailing every day or sending gift baskets is excessive, but following up immediately after an interview, and then again a bit later if you haven't heard anything, can only help, not hurt!

 

[PumpkinPie]

aww- I''m sorry you''re both feeling stressed.. but you seem like such a great couple together

 

[blacksand]

Thanks HappyNewLife, sonnyjane, and Maevie.

sonnyjane--I will definitely remind him of this. He does follow up of course: the usual thank-you note and a polite inquiry if he hasn''t heard anything in a while, but I definitely agree that he could stand to do a lot more. He needs to make himself stand out more, I guess. I understand where he''s coming from, as I am always worried about coming off as too much of a kiss-up with these kinds of things, but the bottom line is, he can''t afford to hold back at this point. It''s been too long. He needs to find work. I don''t know how you made it 14 months. I don''t know how he''s made it the last 8 months. At first I was [selfishly] upset that this was throwing a wrench into our engagement plans. Now I couldn''t care less about that. I just want to see him happy again. I really wish I could do more to help.

HappyNewLife and Maevie--well, we try! We are far from perfect, and in fact, I think most of my posts here so far have involved some sort of ridiculous bickering followed by a happy resolution. There is definitely more bickering now than usual, as we are both under so much stress, but the happy times, as I said, are just so disproportionately happy that I feel like the luckiest person on earth.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/26/2010 10:31:37 PM
Author: blacksand


sonnyjane-- I don't know how you made it 14 months. I don't know how he's made it the last 8 months.

blacksand,

I'm not sure what field your SO is in, but my field (animal training) is very competitive, and work experience is really important. After several months of realizing that I wasn't going to land a job any time soon, I started a four-month unpaid internship and also started volunteering. Of course it certainly stunk to not bring in any money, but at least it helped to build my resume. It was a bit awkward since I was 26, interning with people that were mostly 18-21, but I was just focused on building that resume. When I interviewed for the job I have now, they reviewed my resume and asked about the unpaid positions and I explained to them exactly why I took them - I wanted to stay active in my field even if it wasn't paid. They told me when I got the job that they were really impressed by my initiative. If at all possible, if he's still not having much luck, maybe your SO could find an apprenticeship/internship/volunteer position that would help him and pursue part-time employment in the meantime. Just a thought! Getting out of the house and "working", even though I wasn't bringing home a paycheck, definitely kept me from going completely insane!

 

[blacksand]

Thanks sonnyjane.

He''s in IT. Unfortunately the problem he has mostly been having is that he is overqualified. He has six years'' experience managing multiple servers for a large international news organization. They outsourced their IT, so he was out...but the problem is that similar companies have outsourced their IT as well. So he''s left with smaller companies, schools and the government, and he''s been told he''s overqualified for most every job he has applied for. I would love to see him go back to school, get an advanced degree, maybe go into management...but he can''t really think about that until he has a job lined up. We could look into internships, but I''m not sure if that''s the best route for him. We can do some research. Thanks for the ideas.

I did have a talk with him about following up more assertively, networking, etc. I was afraid to come off as a nag, but I bit the bullet and made some suggestions, and he seems to be taking them to heart. He followed up with an e-mail, then a voicemail about the job I mentioned above at my suggestion. They haven''t gotten back to him. This has been the case with the last few jobs he''s interviewed for. I find it shocking that these employers could be so unprofessional. How difficult is it to tell someone "the position has been filled."? I''ve done quite a bit of recruiting, and I''ve done it myself. He''s also joining a local jobseekers group and doing more online networking. I suggested he get in touch with the others from his old department who were laid off when he was to see where they''re working now, so he''s trying to do that (so far, the one guy who''s replied is also still looking for work).

Anyway, he has another prospect now at a university. He''s excited about it, but they haven''t scheduled an interview yet. I guess we''ll wait and see.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Although I don''t work in IT any longer my degree is in Business and IM&T and I have a few suggestions. Doe he have a profile on linked in? It''s a great professional networking site. It might make it easier to reach out to those he had previously worked with to find out who they are connected to. Second, if he went to a school that has an alumnae organization that might also be good on the newtworking front. Lastly...he might try and find a recruiter.

The more advanced you get in your career the more likely you are to not get every job that you interview for. Also, it is customary to write a follow up letter/email following any interview. Following that, if nothing is heard most likely they have chosen to go in a different direction and will not contact you. It stinks it has to be that way but most hiring managers still have a job to do while they interview people and most don''t have the time to reach out to every person that they interviewed with.

I''m not sure if he did this or not but being that I am in sales as a profession I have mastered the art of the close. For this type of job I''d suggest a "soft close" so that he at least knows what the next step is. Something like..."I am very interested in this position and based on our discussion it apears to be a good fit. When will you be making a decision?" Additionally depending on the situation I usually follow that with questions about when I might hear from them. How many other people are they interviewing? Where do I stack up compared to the other people you are considering for this job?

Most of the time I leave an interview knowing whether or not I will be getting a call for a follow up interview or not. My husband is in a completely different profession however he uses some of the same tactics on interviews and it works!

I hope it helps...something better ususally comes along.

 

[blacksand]

Thanks for your suggestions, emeraldlover1.

Date: 5/1/2010 5:06:09 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
Following that, if nothing is heard most likely they have chosen to go in a different direction and will not contact you. It stinks it has to be that way but most hiring managers still have a job to do while they interview people and most don''t have the time to reach out to every person that they interviewed with.

See, this part I find infuriating. What you''ve said is absolutely correct, of course. But I have worked as a recruiter, handling several hundred applications a day in NYC, meeting with applicants, and I had the additional responsibilities of hiring, training, and managing teams of employees at the same time, as well as handling customer complaints...and I cannot even imagine letting an e-mail or phone inquiry like his go unanswered. A simple "the position has been filled; thanks again for your time" is not difficult or time-consuming and I find anything less highly unprofessional. That said, if I have learned anything in the time I have been in the workforce, it is that I cannot hold others to the same standards I hold myself, and I realize that many recruiters simply will not take the time out to respond to inquiries. Right or wrong, we have to accept it. So I''ll try to get over it. No sense dwelling on it, I suppose.

Thank you for your idea about the "soft close." I''ll try to work with him on that. I know it''s something he tries to do, but as he has no sales training and has a tendency to be overly modest, it''s difficult for him, and I''m not sure how effective he is. Maybe it''s something we can practice together.

I feel weird about being so involved in the process, and I''m always afraid he''ll find my involvement condescending. I want to let him do his own thing, but I also want to help, of course. Striking a balance has been difficult for us, but we''re getting there.

 

[emeraldlover1]

I totally understand what you are saying on all accounts. It''s hard to have that conversation with someone that you are involved with!! Anyway, practice always makes things a little bit easier if it is someting you are uncomfortable with. One thing to consider is that if the job is not a given, then there is everything to gain by asking those types of questions. Good luck!

 

[blacksand]

Thanks again. We''ll keep trying. I really can''t wait until all of this is a distant memory. I was hoping for a proposal on our anniversary, but now I''m just hoping he''ll have a job by then (and I won''t lose mine!). Really puts things into perspective, I guess. I spend much less time dreaming of diamonds and more time dreaming of...normal life. Getting our debts paid off, being able to go out to dinner every once in a while without feeling guilty, planning a weekend getaway...and him feeling better about himself, feeling productive again. I can''t wait.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Those are great things to hope for and it will come. You never have to feel bad for dreaming about a proposal or diamonds. This is what this site is for!

 

[blacksand]

Ha...well I didn''t say I feel bad about dreaming of diamonds....just that I also have some more practical dreams these days. You''ll notice I''m still on this website, and the dream ring photos still on my desktop. It will happen someday, somehow! And the good news is that he wants it, too. I often read of people waiting on SO''s who just aren''t ready yet. That must be so much harder. I''d much rather be with someone I know wants to marry me (but can''t right now) than with someone who just isn''t sure what he wants. When I think of it that way, I''m very lucky.

 

[blacksand]

Another promising interview on Friday, this time out of the blue! I didn''t even know he had applied for this job...I''m not even sure he knew! I think he thought he was sending his info to an IT consulting firm to see if he could get temp. work as a consultant. Turns out they want him for a full-time sys admin. position at the firm. Even better! They spent the whole day with him on Friday, took him out to lunch at swanky resturant, and told him to expect a call early this week. The place is five minutes away. It would be ideal. We''re trying not to get out hopes up too high. He''s had equally promising interviews before, and they''ve fallen through. But I can''t help but be hopeful...how wonderful it would be to have something to celebrate this weekend. I know he''s really scrambling to beat the one-year mark, and tensions are running high. Employment dust would be much appreciated!

 

[sonnyjane]

Dust on its way!!!!

 

[blacksand]

Sigh. Well, they got back to him as promised. With bad news.

 

[merilenda]

I''m sorry, blacksand. As someone who is graduating from school this month (my SO is too) and looking for work, I know exactly how hard it is to find a job right now.

I wish him luck in finding something great soon.

 

[PavePrincess]

Sorry.. that must be so frustrating and disappointing.. I didn''t read your thread until just now and there''s really no other way to say it but, that sucks! In this economy being over qualified SUCKS.

I truly wish you the best and hope things turn around for you and your hubby. It sounds like you two have an amazing relationship.. and at the end of the day.. that''s what really matters (as you''ve already stated). Best of luck! I''m crossing my fingers for you!

 

[blacksand]

Thanks for the support. It is definitely getting to be hard on both of us. I just left work for a bit to go have lunch with him and give him a little support, because I know he is feeling really badly right now. Everything seemed to be going great this time, they went to lunch, they talked salary, and then the whole process came to a screeching halt for no apparent reason. This is not the first time something like this has happened, so we’re wondering if maybe something is going on with one of his references, background or credit check. He doesn’t think so, but I’m kind of grasping at straws. Something has to give. Anyway, we had lunch and we talked about what he can do to change things up, other career paths to look into, networking events he can go to, groups he can join. Finally he broke and said “I’m literally going crazy, I can’t take it anymore.” I know he sees this whole situation as a flaw in his character and he feels he is just burdening me with it. I keep telling him, of course, that this isn’t who he is, it’s just what is happening, and it’s happening to both of us, and I’ll be here no matter what. But I know it’s getting hard for him to believe me.

The good news is that my boss is out today, so I can get away with spending some time looking into jobs for him. He’s thinking of maybe going into teaching computer classes, so here I am researching.

Good luck to you and your SO in your upcoming job searches, merilenda! I hope you’ll have better luck.

 

[luckynumber]

aww, dust for your BF blacksand!

hope he gets a job soooooon.....

 

[blacksand]

More bad news!

I found a new dream ring. A dream dream ring. Soooooo not the time to be drooling over expensive things. Oh, but it is pretty!

 

[Callisto]

Ooo do post. Looking at pretty shiny things cheers me up, even if I can''t afford them at the moment. I just bask in their beauty.

 

[blacksand]

Oh, it''s bad news. I''ve always had simple, inexpensive tastes, but the more I look, the..ahem...less simple my tastes become. Anyway...I can dream.

It''s the Vatche x-prong with channel-set princess cuts. This is the one I''m currently whispering "I love you" to and leaving fingerprints on my computer screen whilst trying to touch, with matching wedding band. I''m still a yellow gold girl at heart, so I''m scouring the internet for images of it in yellow gold. I think the second picture is the same setting, but I''m not 100% sure, and it''s not the greatest picture.

 

[blacksand]

In yellow gold. Just noticed this is not the same setting; it''s similar but with a tapered shank. I might actually like that better. Would have to try some things on, I guess.

 

[blacksand]

Looking at them side-by-side, I think I still prefer the first setting, but in yellow gold.

Anyway, back to reality now. Job searching seems a little more productive than ring searching, although the latter truly is much cheerier.

 

[blacksand]

Ok...so maybe ring-ogling is more productive than I thought! He just got a call from his old boss. They want to hire him back as a consultant. So basically, he''d be doing what he was doing before for less pay and no benefits...but that is so much better than unemployment! He feels like a million bucks knowing that his old company still values him and wants him back in some capacity, and that''s what matters most. Let''s hope this one pans out. I''d really like to get off this roller coaster!