Girls...I need your help!

[hubcheer]

Ok heres the situation. My boyfriend and I have been together a while now and he''s still in college as am I. We know we are going to get married, in the next 3 years or so. We want to finish school and stuff. But lately I''ve been getting really anxious because all of my friends are getting married. His friends are as well. I''m trying to be patient but it is very hard when all you hear is "I''m engaged!". One of his good friends is actually probably going to pop the question very very soon. So I know he''s emotionally ready but he says he wants to be financially ready as well. But he has been really budgeting and stuff, and also says that he wants to be engaged at least 1 1/2 years or it''s a crunch to plan a wedding. So my question is, based on what I''ve told ya''ll (which is the whole deal) do you think he''s serious about proposing? And when would you guess he will do it?

 

[KittyBling]

Hi hubcheer

Maybe he''s just waiting until u both finish college? When do you finish? Thats what SO and I have been planning. Now that he finished this summer and I''m finishing in Autumn we are planning to get engaged around next spring/summer after we have both settled down into jobs. I know its hard when your friends are getting engaged and you sooo badly want it to happen to you but at the same time they might be in a different stage of their life compared to you. I don''t think its a question of him being serious about it because you say you have been together quite a while. I honestly think he''s probably waiting until you both finish college or until he''s finished college and has a regular income of some sort.

Have you told him you want to be married in the next 3 years?

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 7/6/2009 2:01:48 AM
Author:hubcheer
Ok heres the situation. My boyfriend and I have been together a while now and he''s still in college as am I. We know we are going to get married, in the next 3 years or so. We want to finish school and stuff. But lately I''ve been getting really anxious because all of my friends are getting married. His friends are as well. I''m trying to be patient but it is very hard when all you hear is ''I''m engaged!''. One of his good friends is actually probably going to pop the question very very soon. So I know he''s emotionally ready but he says he wants to be financially ready as well. But he has been really budgeting and stuff, and also says that he wants to be engaged at least 1 1/2 years or it''s a crunch to plan a wedding. So my question is, based on what I''ve told ya''ll (which is the whole deal) do you think he''s serious about proposing? And when would you guess he will do it?

Yes. It sounds like he just wants to wait until you guys finish school and get jobs so you''re not still living on loans/parents money. Being financially independent and somewhat stable before proposing is a big deal to some guys. He''s already told you he is ready when he has the money, so I would just sit tight and enjoy the time you guys are having together. It IS hard when everyone around you is getting engaged.. Be happy for them and don''t get mad at your BF because your friends are getting engaged and you are not. You can''t *make* him propose so hang on and be patient. Good luck girl!

 

[vetrogrl]

Hi...I am sure your bf will propose, but most likely after you guys graduate. Its important that you guys finish school and enjoy that time in your life instead of rushing into the next big stage in your lives. Also, being financially stable is essential before you guys get married. Having a strong foundation of having a degree behind you, having a good job and being finanacially stable in my opinion is the smarteset and most responsible thing to do first.

I am 25 and my bf is 26 and have been together for about 2 yrs. He officially asked my parents this past saturday for their blessing for him to ask for my hand in marriage. We both feel its the right time. I graduated college in Dec. 2006, it took me 2 years to land my great job I have now, and hes been building his company up and is becoming much more financially stable too. I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I wanted to ever get married and so far I have achieved them from buying my own place to knowing I can live and support myself 100% on my own. You may have your own things u would like to accomplish too on your own before you and your bf begin the next chapter in your lives together.

Plus, I have seen from my own experiences, that after college, life changes. Most of my friends, sister, myself, have had long term relationships w/ one bf all through college with the same person, even through high school, and have either broken up or broken off an engagment becasuse life is different after you graduate school and you will change without even really knowing it-but its for the better. You''re still growing, and you and your bf may not still be the same after you guys graduate schoool. But I also know some friends who dated all through college and have gotten married and are happy. Good luck with school and enjoy it, and best wishes to u and your bf in your futures!

 

[hubcheer]

Thanks yall! In response to a question, yes I have let him know that I would like to get married in the closer future (2-3 years). I feel better now. This is really a hard situation because in one hand I can tell him everything (he''s my bestfriend duh!) but on the other hand, if I continue to bring it up and question him about it then he will probably post pone it even longer.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you''ve gotten some really wonderful, very supportive advice...but I''m going to share with you my gut reaction...

First of all, it''s wonderful you''ve told him how you feel. Good for you. But talking about it shouldn''t "postpone" his plans. The fact that you think it will is a serious red flag, in my honest opinion. When two people are on the same page, looking to share a common future, that should be something you''re both excited to talk about and plan for, not something that would put the breaks on those plans. If he''s telling you this...that''s the same as him telling you "I''m not ready".

Another thing, getting engaged shouldn''t be a "keeping up with the Joneses" thing. I know you want to get married...girls very much like to middle of whatever the current trend is--be it fashion or marriage. Your friends are getting engaged, so naturally you want to get engaged too...but to assume that because his friends are getting engaged, he''s emotionally ready for that commitment...well, that''s just a mistake and you''re setting yourself up for disappointment. Believe it or not, men have biological clocks...some move faster, others not so much. When he''s really ready, based only on himself, he''ll get married. You cannot messure his preparedness by anyone elses.

Lastly, your timeline. What exactly are you basing your 3 year mark on? And why 3 years? As many people on this site will share, engagements rarely move at the speed you desire. You''re still very young with a lot on your plate. School, entiring the work force...if you''re going to be planning for the future, at this point it would seem to be more beneficial to plan for things that are within your control. If you manage to get engaged within the next year or so...wonderful. But if not, you need to still prepare yourself to have wonderful life. If you''re making a 5 year plan, make it about you...if he fits in, great, but if not don''t let the rest of your life feel like Plan B.

Okay...so I''m sure a lot of what I said were things you didn''t want to here. But they are sincere. As someone who was engaged very young, and disengaged a short time later with no back up plan so to speak of, this is my top-shelf advice.

Oh...and when do I think he''ll purpose???? When he''s good and ready, and not a moment before.

 

[emeraldlover1]

good advice, Italia. I love posts like these because it brings me back to the questions that I had except I was having them much later on in life. My fiance proposed when he was ready, that''s it. All those reason''s that come before that are probably true, however, he''s telling you he''s just not ready. Not that it is a bad thing especially while still in college.

Good luck, I hope it happens for you soon! Oh and, I could have planned the same wedding in 6 months, the only downside is that I wouldn''t have been able to book the vendors I wanted. So, you don''t need that long.

 

[hubcheer]

It''s not that I think it will make him post pone it. I know he will when he''s ready, and we talk about it all the time i.e. Where we will live, how the wedding will go, our financial plans, things like that. It''s just that I don''t want to push him, like "When will you propose?" or "I''m tired of waiting". Do you understand what I mean? And as for the financial ready-ness part, I understand completely. He is taking the summer off from school(while working)and is living with his parents while he finishes his last two years. He''s frustrated because he wants to be done with school, and wants to buy me a very nice ring. He''s already told me that he''s been looking at rings.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/7/2009 1:00:06 PM
Author: hubcheer
It''s not that I think it will make him post pone it. I know he will when he''s ready, and we talk about it all the time i.e. Where we will live, how the wedding will go, our financial plans, things like that. It''s just that I don''t want to push him, like ''When will you propose?'' or ''I''m tired of waiting''. Do you understand what I mean? And as for the financial ready-ness part, I understand completely. He is taking the summer off from school(while working)and is living with his parents while he finishes his last two years. He''s frustrated because he wants to be done with school, and wants to buy me a very nice ring. He''s already told me that he''s been looking at rings.

Then simply, do not ask those type questions. Its hard, i know, becuase 4 months ago, when the ring was on layaway, i felt that eric could have just bought it, and proposed by then. But He was truley waiting to make sure his temp position with the state was continued (another year, yay) and that he was more in line to be able to provide for his *new* family. To him, no matter how much he wanted to get married, he wanted to make sure he was on track to provide.

I hope this makes sense, and know that you''re definately not the only one here who has (or had) the same feelings.

*hug* and good luck.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 7/7/2009 3:19:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you''ve gotten some really wonderful, very supportive advice...but I''m going to share with you my gut reaction...


First of all, it''s wonderful you''ve told him how you feel. Good for you. But talking about it shouldn''t ''postpone'' his plans. The fact that you think it will is a serious red flag, in my honest opinion. When two people are on the same page, looking to share a common future, that should be something you''re both excited to talk about and plan for, not something that would put the breaks on those plans. If he''s telling you this...that''s the same as him telling you ''I''m not ready''.


Another thing, getting engaged shouldn''t be a ''keeping up with the Joneses'' thing. I know you want to get married...girls very much like to middle of whatever the current trend is--be it fashion or marriage. Your friends are getting engaged, so naturally you want to get engaged too...but to assume that because his friends are getting engaged, he''s emotionally ready for that commitment...well, that''s just a mistake and you''re setting yourself up for disappointment. Believe it or not, men have biological clocks...some move faster, others not so much. When he''s really ready, based only on himself, he''ll get married. You cannot messure his preparedness by anyone elses.


Lastly, your timeline. What exactly are you basing your 3 year mark on? And why 3 years? As many people on this site will share, engagements rarely move at the speed you desire. You''re still very young with a lot on your plate. School, entiring the work force...if you''re going to be planning for the future, at this point it would seem to be more beneficial to plan for things that are within your control. If you manage to get engaged within the next year or so...wonderful. But if not, you need to still prepare yourself to have wonderful life. If you''re making a 5 year plan, make it about you...if he fits in, great, but if not don''t let the rest of your life feel like Plan B.


Okay...so I''m sure a lot of what I said were things you didn''t want to here. But they are sincere. As someone who was engaged very young, and disengaged a short time later with no back up plan so to speak of, this is my top-shelf advice.


Oh...and when do I think he''ll purpose???? When he''s good and ready, and not a moment before.

Ditto. I haven''t been engaged, but, I''ve seen other friends go through the same thing. Last weekend, one of my close friends called off her engagement of about 7 months. Another one of my friends had been engaged, married, and divorced by the age of 22. And lastly, one of the most perfect couples I''ve seen (highschool sweethearts, together for 6 years, engaged in Brussels after a bike ride with her grandmother''s ring, later re-designed by her FI, both extremely good students and good people) called off their engagement after a year and a half. I am definitely not trying to say that this is the protocol or suggest that it will happen to you; I''m simply saying that it does happen to people, and its much less of a roller coaster to take life a little slowly.

Trust me, I know the feeling of being in college and going to a seemingly endless number of bridal showers and bachelorette parties. (in the last year or so, I think I''ve been to seven)Its hard, but take a moment to think about it. So I''ve been to 7 bridal showers...I probably have 10 times as many friends that are absolutely single! It may feel like everyone is getting married, but, if you are in college, I doubt that that is actually true.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/7/2009 3:19:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you''ve gotten some really wonderful, very supportive advice...but I''m going to share with you my gut reaction...

Another thing, getting engaged shouldn''t be a ''keeping up with the Joneses'' thing....

If you''re making a 5 year plan, make it about you...if he fits in, great, but if not don''t let the rest of your life feel like Plan B.

Okay...so I''m sure a lot of what I said were things you didn''t want to here. But they are sincere. As someone who was engaged very young, and disengaged a short time later with no back up plan so to speak of, this is my top-shelf advice.

Oh...and when do I think he''ll purpose???? When he''s good and ready, and not a moment before.

Italia - I love your posts. I swear you should be a relationship counsellor

 

[kittybean]

Hubcheer, I think you have the right attitude about not pushing. Talking about things like mature adults who make decisions together is one thing . . . whining about when he is going to propose is another entirely. (However, in my opinion, it only gets harder to wait patiently the closer it draws!)

To me, it sounds like he does want to propose. The idea is there, and if he''s budgeting for your life together, that is an excellent sign. Being financially ready is an important thing for many men; it was definitely a big factor for my now-DH. He wanted to pay off a big chunk of his student loan debt and save for the kind of ring and wedding he envisioned. Not all guys are like this, but some feel that being a "provider" is important to some extent and will want to put off marriage until they feel they are ready to take on that financial challenge.

Oh, and tell him that 1.5 years is totally unnecessary for wedding planning. Like EM1, I could have planned my wedding in 6 months--I might have just had to be a teeny bit more flexible about the date and some of my vendors. I had almost exactly 12 months, and for about 6 of those months, I was just sitting around waiting for things to happen! If you want 1.5 years, that''s fantastic, but there''s no way it''s necessary to have that long.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

To ditto Kittybean and EM1...

I could have easily planned my wedding in less than a year. If I selected another dress that didn''t take as long to arrive, I could have cinched it up in 6 months, tops! A lot of wedding planning is hurry up and wait. You have tons of ebb and flow. You''ll be really busy for a minute, and dead for an hour. Because realistically, there is only so much that can be done a year in advance, 6 months in advance, 3 months in advance. And the really great thing about knowing far in advance that you''re going to being getting engaged even if you''re waiting for the formal purposal, and even if you end up having a smaller window of time between the purposal and the date, is that you can gather ideas, make your mind up about a lot things...so when you are offically engaged, it''s just a matter of spending the money and pulling it together.

And, let me be honest about planning a wedding a year and a half out.

While you probably think the more time the better, that''s not always true.


1. The things that are in vouge right now, may not be in 2011. I remember a year or so ago, everything was polka dots and stripes and prints...now it''s more simple, clean lines. If you were to say have your polka dot wedding now...it''s post dated. It might still be cute, but it''s not currently whats in. You''d be having a 2007 wedding in 2009. Thats a disadvantage. Not to mention our personal tastes change...what you love today may make you cringe tomorrow.

2. Some brides feel stress when it comes to pulling it together because so many decision are made months apart, and all you can do is hope it comes together cohesively. This is yet another benefit of not planning over an extended period of time.

I am not for the record saying long engagement are bad...but there is a silver lining to everything.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 7/8/2009 4:34:28 PM
Author: Londongirl1

Date: 7/7/2009 3:19:36 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think you''ve gotten some really wonderful, very supportive advice...but I''m going to share with you my gut reaction...

Another thing, getting engaged shouldn''t be a ''keeping up with the Joneses'' thing....

If you''re making a 5 year plan, make it about you...if he fits in, great, but if not don''t let the rest of your life feel like Plan B.

Okay...so I''m sure a lot of what I said were things you didn''t want to here. But they are sincere. As someone who was engaged very young, and disengaged a short time later with no back up plan so to speak of, this is my top-shelf advice.

Oh...and when do I think he''ll purpose???? When he''s good and ready, and not a moment before.

Italia - I love your posts. I swear you should be a relationship counsellor

Haha, thanks. I''m sure a lot of people would disagree

but thats really sweet of you to say!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Really, I think you've answered yourself within the question. Trust me, I know how you feel. But you've got to wait it out. When the time is right, it will happen. It's much better to be finacially ready and finished with school than broke, married and in school.

Patience will be your friend if you let it. Trust me...coming from a girl who fell in love at 17 and is now turning 28 and still with the same guy and we want to get married. I KNOW. We had to finish school and are currently working on careers. Many people do this. Don't try and rush things just let them naturally happen.

And at this point I think you need to just wait! BTW, time really does fly so before you know it, you will be engaged! Hang in there