Gender Roles

[babycush]

I''ve been thinking about this topic over the last few days and I wanted to see what all the other LIWs think of their own relationships. Obviously, there are many facets of a person and of a relationship so the examples that I listed below are certainly not all-encompassing representations of either gender, I am just curious as to where on the spectrum you all see yourselves and your significant others and why.

I am the more traditionally ''masculine'' half of our relationship. When I graduate, I will be the professional, I will be the breadwinner, I will work 8-5 while he stays home with the kids, I can barely cook, I''m the more distant one when it comes to talking about feelings, it took me longer to be marriage-ready (despite my LIW status now). He loves to cook dinner every night, he is not so attached to his career and is insanely excited to be a stay-at-home dad, he loves talking about our relationship and knew he wanted to marry me about 4 months into it, he gets all goobery about me at work (according to his co-workers). I am strength, he is grace.

I think all of these are reasons that we work so well together. We are all of these things without each other, and the complement we found in each other is just natural.

 

[SparklyRing]

My SO and I have more traditional gender roles for the most part. I''m very girly; I love pink, love frills/bows/flowers, wearing dresses and skirts, painting my nails, you get the idea. SO is very manly in a good way. He''s strong and protective and would never expect me to do things like take out the trash or shovel snow. It''s actually because of this that we are so attracted to each other.

This kind of applies to our future plans as well. I''m in the process of getting a PhD in a humanities field and the job market is not great right now. If I manage to find a tenure-track position, great. If not, I will be a stay-at-home mom, which will be possible in a few years once he has a firm place in his career.

However, there are a few areas in which we don''t conform to our gender roles. I don''t know how to cook at all, while he is a great cook. I can hold grudges and be distant, whereas he''s very open and communicative. He is also very attentive, affectionate, and eager to get married (he''s been saving up for the ring!).

 

[princesss]

We both have ''masculine'' and ''feminine'' personality traits, and embrace them. I love that about us, and I''m positive that it''s just one more reason why we''re well-matched.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I am against being a SAHM for my own sanity. I also do NOT like anything that says, ohhh, i'm feminine in the relationship, he is masculine, etc. I just find it offensive when someone refers to me as one or the other. I completely respect people whose relationships are like that because hey, whatever floats your boat.

We have been dating for 5.5 years (exactly, today) and since we moved in together 2 years ago, I think we have kind of molded into this couple that we will always be- we both do dishes, switch off making dinner, ALWAYS clean together. The only thing that I do that he doesn't is the laundry and he does the cat litter because I HATE cleaning out the litter, I literally gag.

Now when it comes to professions- he will make more money than me, but he is going into business which is something that I could NEVER do. I am going into teaching and will clearly make less. We will both take time off (him probably less time than me) when we have kids (a kid, I think?) and will both go back to work and our child will be in either daycare or my mom will watch it. We are both hard working and I am definitely more stubborn and pig-headed. He is more calm, until I get him real mad haha and he is also more quiet where as I am loud. We do have a lot of the same interests though.

We both want to move around a lot to see where we would like to live and just recently have adopted a more laid back approach to our life and travel a LOT more and one day move to Europe. We decided that we will also TRY (key word

) to not only spoil our child when we have one, but our whole family. (Kinda like Pandora, she is seriously my idol ha) Hmm... hopefully that gives you a little insight on another couples' relationship.

 

[elrohwen]

I think we have aspects of both, though we lean towards the traditional gender roles. He's masculine in that he loves sports, mowing lawns, tools, etc, but he is also pretty touchy feely and extremely affectionate. DH seems to have a lot of both sides of the spectrum though he definitely leans toward the masculine. I do the cooking, and initiate the cleaning, but he helps and is very good about doing dishes or laundry without me asking. When we have a house, he will be in charge of the yard and any home improvement things, but since we're renting we just kind of split the inside stuff.

For careers, we have the same degree, but unfortunately I got into a field I hated right after college and am now unemployed (trying to get into his field). I imagine he will make more money than me eventually (we were making the same before I got laid off) and have a higher position as he's a lot more ambitious. I'm the kind of person who goes to work, gets it done, and goes home - I'm not interested in climbing the corporate ladder that much. I guess in that respect he's more masculine.

 

[Erin]

Because I am 34 and have always lived by myself, I have learned to do everything including mowing the lawn, snaking the drains and shooing the spiders. No matter how else you can describe me, my living experience has erased most gender roles as far as cohabitation is concerned. I wouldn''t feel relieved if I never had to take the garbage out. It''s not gross or hard to do. If I''m the first one out the door on garbage day, I''ll do it.

 

[MermaidKelly]

My guy and I tend to be pretty old fashioned and traditional in our gender roles, but that''s just the way we like it! We both have the same ''picture'' of our future, He brings home the bacon, and when he comes home I have supper in the oven and am waiting for some lovin!

However, like SparklyRing, I tend to be the one who holds grudges and gets in moods, and he is usually very open with me about his emotions, so I guess there are exceptions to the rules of who is masculine/feminine.

 

[Mrs.SE]

We are equally balanced in all genderized roles. We both work full time - he''s a Firefighter/Paramedic - I''m a 911 Dispatcher. We both take care of the house, cook, and kids. He is a more tender where I am more tough. I''d never want to be a SAHM - some days I can''t wait to go back to work just to get a break from them I''m not afraid to speak my mind, he tries to dance around subjects delicately. He''s an optimist, where I''m a realist. (Not pessimist, there is a difference). We balance each other, when I''m weak, he''s strong, when he''s not I am, when I''m dishelveled, he sooths me We shift w/ each others moods to help each other and it''s a wonderful, clumsy dance.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I am extremely feminine and SO is a total guys guy. We follow traditional gender roles in so many ways.

But, I totally wear the pants in our relationship.What I say goes. I. Am. The. Boss!

 

[RaiKai]

We don''t have what would be considered traditional roles but we also don''t really set out to define ourselves as untraditional either.

We do what fits for us and that is also flexible as things change in our lives.

I am currently the sole breadwinner as my husband took an early retirement from his military career and is in school again. In the past he made more. He takes care of the majority of household stuff but I do a share as well. He enjoys it and loves to garden and so on! If we do have children he will most likely be a stay at home dad in the early years and looks forward to it if we do have kids - though we are in no rush! We do make decisions together as a team as they work for us and our lives and we consider ourselves an equal partnership.

We however are both very open and vulnerable about ourselves with one another and both self aware. We can spend hours and hours talking. We are both very willing to share our feelings with one another. While we both had anxieties about marriage we were both ready for marriage together. Though he handled most of the wedding planning and put it into action! We are both nurturing and emotionally expressive. And so on.

We both enjoy many activities...be it crafting, kayaking, camping or snuggling without much care how they are defined genderwise .

 

[FrekeChild]

I'm not a LIW anymore, but I love playing the Gender Roles game.

I am: a fantastic cook, affectionate, a grudge holder, compassionate, in tune with other people, social, eloquent in conversation, artistic, enjoys sports where no one gets hurt, not grossed out by blood and guts, a hater of math, free flowing, entrepreneurial, and self-sufficient to a fault.

He is: a provider, a decent cook, affectionate, analytical, anti-social, self-centered (he considers me part of that self), would prefer to be alone, a great lecturer and teacher, loves rough and tumble sports, totally grossed out by blood and guts, a lover of math and all things number related, ambitious, driven, and successful.

I tend to cook more (however, that's due to me being professional trained), and clean, but he empties the dishwasher, does the laundry and takes out the trash, with an occasional bout of cooking.

I am tougher, he is harder (gemstone talk there), but I think we even out. Having said that, as OUPear said, I wear the pants. What I say goes. Period.

ETA: I will raise a child if we choose to have one. He'll be the breadwinner. That is, unless I turn out to be incredibly successful, and make more money than he can at that stage of our lives. Then again, if it works out the way it should (that is, the way we would like) we'd both be able to work--him as a prof and me owning my own business.

 

[yssie]

We adhere to our gender roles pretty closely, I think.


I: cook well, require the place to be as close to sterile as humanly possible, like dresses and skirts and polishing my nails, love china and sterling, explode when I'm angry but am completely unable to hold a grudge. Am incapable of making up my mind. Play tennis, field hockey, and ride horses (eventing). Am the primary source of income while FI is finishing grad school, and could not stand to be a SAHM - I love my work

.


FI: cooks exactly one thing - pasta, bakes amazing cookies, likes order but isn't nearly as picky as I am, adores football, is a mechanical engineer. Can hold a grudge for weeks. Will probably make more money than I do if he goes into industry, but has been waffling between industry and academia for the better part of two years, though he's generally a very decisive person. Enjoys funding my dress and skirt habits, is less enthusiastic about china and flatware

. Kills spiders for me, lifts the laundry bag down the stairs, and carries the heavier groceries.

 

[LadyJane83]

I''d say my bf and I are equals, for the most part. I don''t know whether I am "feminine" or "masculine." My favorite summer-wear is long skirts and/or dresses and I like getting my nails done, facials etc. I don''t like shopping. I usually wear some makeup, but I hate fussing with my hair and I don''t spend hours getting ready to go out or go to work. I can take a shower and be out the door in under 30 minutes. He likes sports, while I can''t stand watching them. We both like a lot of outdoor activities and neither of us are afraid of bugs or getting dirty. I admit though, he usually kills the spiders.

He shovels snow and carries the heavy stuff b/c he''s physically stronger and it just makes more sense. He cooks and is usually the one to take out the trash, I do the bulk of the cleaning and laundry. When we get a house, I''m sure he''ll be in charge of the yardwork and other maintenance. We''re both starting out in the same profession and have the same professional degree... so we have the same earning capacity. Right now, we make about the same amount of money, but that could definitely change in the near future.

I wouldn''t mind being a SAHM, and would prefer it that way for the first year or two. I think a division of labor makes sense in that capacity, and would probably make life easier on us. Right now, I''d say that having the ability to stay home with the kids for the first 1-2 years of their lives is a pre-condition to having kids at all (of course, this could change too).

I''d say the bf is a little more emotional than I am, but neither of us hold grudges, or are distant for any amount of time. I''m perhaps a little more assertive and also have a shorter fuse. I might be a bit more inclined to "take charge" of a situation. The bf sometimes will have a harder time communicating, but I am a pretty straightforward person (sometimes to a fault). He''s also more romantic/traditional while I am more practical.

"Masculine" and "feminine" are funny concepts... and I guess they are really just cultural constructs that have no basis in biology and evolve depending on the time period and culture. It has always annoyed me though that the "feminine" encapsualtes what Americans (and other capitalist/individualist societies) think of as negative (or at least devalued) character traits, and "masculine" as favorable.

I guess what is really important is that you complement each other and get along. I could never be with a macho guy, but I also couldn''t be with someone who is super-emotional or afraid to kill spiders.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/15/2010 10:15:30 PM
Author: princesss
We both have ''masculine'' and ''feminine'' personality traits, and embrace them. I love that about us, and I''m positive that it''s just one more reason why we''re well-matched.

this

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/17/2010 3:22:32 PM
Author: MermaidKelly
My guy and I tend to be pretty old fashioned and traditional in our gender roles, but that''s just the way we like it! We both have the same ''picture'' of our future, He brings home the bacon, and when he comes home I have supper in the oven and am waiting for some lovin!


However, like SparklyRing, I tend to be the one who holds grudges and gets in moods, and he is usually very open with me about his emotions, so I guess there are exceptions to the rules of who is masculine/feminine.

What do you do when the supper you''re cooking requires the bacon he''s bringing home?

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/23/2010 9:45:18 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/15/2010 10:15:30 PM

Author: princesss

We both have 'masculine' and 'feminine' personality traits, and embrace them. I love that about us, and I'm positive that it's just one more reason why we're well-matched.

this

And if I could still edit my message, I would add this too

I think it is a bit silly to divide one's characteristics into feminine and masculine, they are just as they are and they can all be embraced. Anyone who has taken a gender & society sort of class in university has probably explored this idea quite thoroughly!

Some people get REALLY hung up on roles though, and my husband and I have both encountered those people in our lives many times. Such as those who look shocked that my husband right now is not being entirely career-focused and in fact left a very successful career to figure out what was next (which has so far involved a bit of school, a bit of traveling and playing in the garden, or making didgeridoos in the garage, etc). Not having a plan, or leaving a successful career, does not fit their own projection of what masculinity is - especially not where they envision a man in his mid-thirties "should" be in the their mindset and they see it as a "waste" or other similar terms. He was told by, mostly women, when he would tell them he was leaving the military and was going to do whatever he wanted to do for a while...that he "could not do THAT". Strangely, most of the men totally got it (and were even envious). There is no appreciation for individuality or individual circumstances. My husband spent many, many years in the military in different roles, including several tours (in very front line positions), has a wonderful education background, is incredibly intelligent, funny and so forth...and in my opinion he can do whatever he wants to do at this point, he is more than entitled to change careers even to what would be considered a less successful or traditional one, and I support him with that.

I LOVE that my husband loves "girly drinks", can grow some mean raspberries, can sew and has made me dresses, has sewn curtains and pillows and and even sewed his own wedding outfit, can become quite teary and emotional even in public when something pulls at him, does hot yoga with me, bakes me a cake for my birthday, readily shares how blessed he feels to be with me, will dance silly dances around me while I am doing yoga, loves beautiful art and rugs (and personally purchased all the beautiful art/rugs we have in our house!), would rather sit and talk with me about our feelings over watching sports, is way more "OCD" than I am about organizing and cleaning and will clean up the house while I am at work and still rub my feet when I come home, and is so engaging and compassionate with the world around him. I also love that he loves to workout, to fish, to go camping, to have all-boys weekends with his cousins and friends where they go camping and exploring, can make a mean steak on the BBQ, likes to go the bar and watch UFC with me, and has a lot of testosterone (read...a high sex drive!). He loves that I am a little tomboyish, am a former member of military (in a combat position), don't wear much (if any) makeup, am willing to get dirty and do yard work or help out in the garage, prefer flats to heels, am a little more relaxed about keeping perfect order in the house and other, do not have much of a green thumb, have a professional career, love to go camping, am very athletic and participate(d) in a lot of more male dominated sports including wrestling, adventure racing, mountain biking, etc, that I like pampering myself with massages, love wearing my perfumes, enjoy getting new haircuts, cry in movies and tv shows (heck even while reading books!), am artistic and creative, like to dress up and show some of my cleavage, wear heels when I want to (even if he prefers flats!), own more clothes than physically possible to wear in a year, am physically affectionate, emotionally expressive, and so on. We both have many, many, many things that makeup up who we are as individuals, and we embrace the full expression of those characteristics in each other.

As an aside, my husband and I met on e-Harmony. One of his initial questions was my thoughts on traditional gender roles, and my answer, he told me, quite impressed him. It was important to us both that we did not define ourselves by traditional gender roles.

 

[LabRatPhD]

FI and I have aspects of both but we are very similar in our roles. He has a law degree, I will have my PhD in 2 years. We will both be breadwinners once I do graduate, although his earning potential is probably higher than mine. I have no interest in being a SAHM nor does he want me to be one. Neither one of us cooks very well or even enjoys it. We can both be very analytical and we prefer to be with each other rather than with big crowds.

On the other hand, I have a bad temper and FI is always calm and cool. I do love very feminine things like clothes, jewelry and shoes. He loves sports, dive bars, and his electronics.

FI wanted to get engaged way before I did, so that is a bit of a role reversal. He has a more traditional view of marriage whereas I honestly felt like we didn''t need a piece of paper to define our relationship. He convinced me that we should get married.

 

[Indylady]

Hehe, sometimes my SO threatens to be a stay at home dad because he thinks his cooking is better! Seriously though, I think its that is so hard to evaluate. I think we''re pretty even on most terms, but gender roles encompass soo many spheres that I would have to spend a while thinking about it to really answer this question well.

 

[jewelz617]

I''d say our household is pretty traditional. I''m a stay at home mother by choice. I tried to go back to work after my daughter was born, lasted 4 weeks, am much happier knowing that I am 100% raising my own child.

My husband works, is the provider. He basically hands me his paycheck and I pay the bills, buy the groceries, cook the meals, clean the house, raise the baby and entertain.

There are sacrifices involved for SURE, but I wouldn''t have it any other way. I love being with my daughter all day every day. She''s the happiest kid I''ve ever seen. I know that staying with her has been worth it.

I run the household though. It''s my way or the highway

 

[trillionaire]

He''s way prissier than I am. We were out riding his motorcycle this weekend, and we stopped to eat. He wouldn''t put his jacket on the dirty table, so he decide to put it back on. I wasn''t wearing a leather jacket in 75 degree weather, so I put mine down on the dirty table. He promptly took his off and carefully laid it on top of mine.

Later he carefully put his helmet on top of my bandana, to keep the helmet clean and scratch free.

A few days later, I wanted his help mounting a glass rack under our cabinets. He made such a commotion about all of it, heaving and sighing. When I suggested that he lay down on the counter and across the sink (the position was awkward), he started complaining wildly about not wanting to get wet. We were at home, in the evening, with no where to go... and it''s just water... I.JUST.DONT.GET.IT. Shortly thereafter, he gave up. I mounted the d*mned thing myself. (he did help me get started with some of his hammering, but he left the task to me whilst he went off to play video games, and occassionally asked me if I needed assistance).

He gets mad at me when I call him Princess, but um.... yeah.... oh, he''s an engineer btw...

 

[babycush]

Date: 3/24/2010 8:51:29 PM
Author: trillionaire


He gets mad at me when I call him Princess, but um.... yeah.... oh, he''s an engineer btw...

LOVE IT.

 

[MayFlowers]

Date: 3/22/2010 10:10:16 PM
Author: FrekeChild

He is: a provider, a decent cook, affectionate, analytical, anti-social, self-centered (he considers me part of that self), would prefer to be alone, a great lecturer and teacher, loves rough and tumble sports, totally grossed out by blood and guts, a lover of math and all things number related, ambitious, driven, and successful.

This is exactly my BF! I couldn''t have described him any better than this!

We are still young and once I graduate college (one year left!) we will be making about the same. I am going into teaching and he has an Associate''s degree for CAD Drafting and Design. Depending on how much and how fast he moves up in his company, depends on who will be making more. Although at this point, he and I both believe that I will start out making a little more. It''s not much, but it still seems to bother him as he is very traditional. He feels like he should or is obligated to provide for me.

I would love to be a SAHM mostly because my mom was and I loved having that time with her. I can''t imagine sending my children to daycare all the time. I work in a daycare now so I know what goes on in some of those places and it would just be really hard for me. We don''t really have the money for me to be a SAHM though. I''m hoping that whenever we do have children, that I can at least take a year or two off from teaching so that I can spend at least the first years with the child. I''m just really not comfortable leaving my infant with someone else. My sister is a SAHM, so there would always be the possibility of having her watch the child, especially after all the free babysitting I''ve done for her and my BIL.

As a few others have said though, what I say in the house goes

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/24/2010 10:59:47 PM
Author: babycush

Date: 3/24/2010 8:51:29 PM
Author: trillionaire


He gets mad at me when I call him Princess, but um.... yeah.... oh, he''s an engineer btw...

LOVE IT.

He''s very helpful and handy... fixes my brake and tail-lights when they go out, installs my windshield wipers, is great a trouble shooting computers, or fixing the TV or internet problems... but then other times, he can''t think his way out of a paper bag. It''s baffling, truly baffling to me. He also complains a lot more than I do. LOL.

Love him!