Future-in-laws getting divorced

[purrfectpear]

Honey, it''s not that she can''t trust your mom with it, it''s that she''s ashamed of it. Ashamed for herself as though she should have known better, and ashamed for him - because talking about it puts a name on it - abuser.

It''s sad that she''d rather risk having people think she''s just bailing on a guy with MS (instead of a much better reason for leaving), but for now it''s the decision she''s made.

In time she may share more. Some people (like me) are open books, and some are much more reticent and private.

 

[cara]

I''m so sorry you are going through this all. It certainly is a sad situation.

I think there is a tendency for family members to not recognize the full extent of a long-time dysfunctional marriage since they long ago accepted the marriage''s flaws, and this may lead them to wrongly push for a return to the marriage even if it really isn''t healthy or in the best interests of both people. Sadly, as a child or family member, it isn''t your place to push for two people to get back together if only one of them would benefit from that arrangement.

My mother also left my father quite suddenly after 25 years of marriage. They had been having problems for years and I just papered over them thinking that "Well, they have some work to do" or "Maybe they are not perfectly matched" but I just never imagined that my mother would grow enough of a spine to leave. There was no physical abuse that I know of, but my father was emotionally abusive and they both had other flaws they contributed to the mess.

My father similarly did the sudden shock change when his wife moved out. For years he insisted therapy was not for him, but now he was willing to go to therapy. He had a non-substance addiction and claimed he was all over it instantly. Since he fixed his part, he wanted my mother to come back right away. (And when she didn''t, then he was able to blame her because he had done everything possible to get her back but she abandoned him!)

But you can''t put Humpty-Dumpty back together again. The love had long since drained away from her perspective, and she didn''t want to go back. When her father (my grandfather) offered to pay off my mother''s newly signed lease if she moved back in with her husband, I don''t think it helped. Grandfather was trying to help, but it sent the message that her decision was in need -literally- of a paternal fix.

I think your FI is dangerously close to pushing for a reconciliation for the wrong reasons. While yes you have a role as a supportive DIL to your FMIL and FFIL as needed, your most important role is in supporting and guiding your FI. I think your instincts are sound here and you owe it to him to express your thoughts to him and allow him to share and work out his thoughts in a supportive manner.

If your FMIL was abused by anyone other than his father, would your FI hesitate for a second regarding pushing her to get a restraining order? Just because she has been good at hiding her husbands behavior for all these years doesn''t mean that it didn''t happen or that it is OK. Even if your FFIL has a successful recovery, FMIL may never want to go back to him and that is OK. She''s not obligated to take him back and I don''t think your FI is thinking entirely clearly by suggesting it and planning for her to go back when she is clearly, healthily on the path to a separation. Of course it is understandable, as he has only suddenly had to make the switch between seeing his mother as someone who puts up with a lot and someone who has drawn a line regarding how much she has put up with. Add on to that that he now feels that he must be a caregiver to your FFIL and you can see the makings of this mess.

Long post to say, if you can find a way to talk to your FI about what is going on and what role for him is appropriate, both in terms of pushing his mother to consider a reconciliation, and in terms of figuring out what level of care and support he should provide his father, that would be an important contribution here.