Friends & Equality: Do you all play in the same "circle?"

[Bliss]

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

This reminds me of the movie Friends With Money starring Jennifer Aniston. In it, friends grow apart / relationships get strained because of finances. Jennifer Aniston''s character tries to borrow money from her friend who says no. Resentments are created due to the inequality and disparity between them all. It''s a pretty interesting movie, albeit a little sad. But it does have a somewhat happy ending!

 

[Lauren8211]

With ONE of my girlfriends, money is nothing to us. We''ve been paying each other''s way back and forth since we were teenagers. I pay, she pays, no one keeps track, and I seriously have no idea who''s paid more. We just like the idea of treating one another to something. Money comes and goes and I''m pretty liberal about money.

Sometimes that backfires though. I''m always the one who ends up paying the "missing" money in a group when we don''t get separate checks.

With other friends, we typically split checks. I don''t feel bad splitting if I make more money. If they couldnt afford to go out, then they should say that and we can do something else together that doesnt put pressure on them financially.

 

[Anna0499]

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?
I should've replied in the other thread, but I wouldn't lend any substantial amount of money out of fear of it hurting the friendship...I would, however, give my friend money if they needed it to survive (i.e. get gas to go to work).

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?
I am currently in school, so I don't make any large amount of money yet, but my parents are quite well off and provide everything for me as long as I am in school. Most of my friends have huge amounts of student debt because we are in law school and a lot of parents won't pay for that (I only have a few thousand that my parents signed me up for and will pay off upon my graduation so that I can earn some credit because I never had credit cards). I haven't seen it outwardly affect our friendship, but sometimes when I want to go out or have a nice dinner I get my invitations declined because they cannot afford it. A few of my friends are struggling in their finances, but none of my friends have ever borrowed money from each other that I know of, at least. I think because we are all graduate students the bar is set pretty low as far as financial freedom is concerned. I do hear, however, comments about my designer purses and nice downtown apartment from my less well-off friends...but it's mostly pining rather than jealousy.
What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?
I never, ever pay for my friends unless it is a celebratory meal. I just think it might lead to problems farther along down the road. If my SO is with us he usually pays for my friends and I, but he doesn't go out with us that often. My friends usually pay their part and I pay mine...it's never been an issue. If they can afford filet mignon, that's what they order; if they can afford a side salad, that's what they order.

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn't make as much as you do?
No, but we don't usually just do an even split of the check. We pay for what we ordered. I guess I just think everyone needs to take care of themselves and not try to live above their means, including going out to eat at restaurants they can't afford and expect others to pay more than their share of the bill.

Does it create any strain in the relationship??? Besides not being able to do everything with me, I would say mostly no. At least, I haven't picked up on it. I can definitely see how it could though, with other people's friends and personality types.

 

[Circe]

I finished grad. school before all of my friends, and I''m suddenly in the unusual position of being the one with more money, and I try to share the joy by picking up cab fares, checks if they''ll let me, drinks, etc., because I remember how cosseted it used to make me feel when my then-best-friend, now husband used to do the same. If it were a more permanent situation, I think I''d do the same, but more ... carefully, just to avoid that problematic dynamic of "charity" (or, on the other side, feeling taken advantage of). It''s a balancing act ....

 

[phoenixgirl]

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not? We don''t have friends our age in the same financial position as us, but we have older friends who make more money or the same as us.

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?
If it''s a friend that doesn''t have a lot of money and I want to go out with her, I''d say, "Let me take you out for a drink" so that she knows the outing can be free if she just wants one drink. We also have friends who will take us out. We had a neighbor who''s now in his 60s who loved expensive meals and wine and had few friends (his girlfriend had dementia and he couldn''t go out beyond our back porch area very much), so he would often want us to go out for dinner. He''d say that he would pay for the wine (he''d always order the most expensive bottle), but then he''d often slip my husband a few twenties before dinner as well, so that our cost for the dinner was really minimal. Because of how isolated he was and how he would rather pay for us than accomodate our need to have a less expensive meal, I didn''t feel bad about it.

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?
Yeah, but only if I spent more so it''s not fair for the other person to pay for some of my share. If they insist on splitting it anyway, then I''ll insist that I pay all the tip for both of us.

Does it create any strain in the relationship???
I don''t think so.


BUT, get this . . . in Paris a few weekends ago we met an American woman while watching Le Tour de France finish on the Champs Elysees. She asked if we had any recommendations for dinner, and DH told her some places to try, but I was like, ahem, I think she was asking us to have dinner with her. Anyway, she recommended this super expensive tourist trap, and we said that it seemed to expensive, so she must have known we weren''t made of money. At the end of dinner at a slightly cheaper place, the bill came and DH got out his card, and she said really weakly, "Oh, I can''t pay anything?" Um, just because we were getting prepared to pay for our portion of the (still expensive) dinner doesn''t mean we were offering to pay for your $60 share! Luckily DH said, "Oh, well you could give me some cash." Minutes passed, no cash, then we got up to go and she said she had to go to the bathroom. I swear if we had said goodnight she would have never paid us back, but I said, "I have to go too!" and followed her to the bathroom and when we got out into the street she did give us 40 Euros. WTF???

My sister and her husband live at a boarding school and befriended a recent immigrant from the Sudan who was working in the kitchen several years back. He is a sweet man who has gotten his GED with their help, and I know he considers us his family (he drove a couple of hundred miles to go to my dad''s funeral). But I just found out recently that he has been sending all his money to the Sudan and has been going to those pay day loan places places regularly.

So he regularly calls up my sister or her husband and says, so sorry, but I have to go such and such cash place $300 today or else (I''m not sure what the or else is . . . exorbitant rate hike? club his knee caps? J/K I hope), and they give it to him. He can''t bear not to send his family the money they are counting on even though he can''t cover his bills, and my sister and BIL can''t bear to see him get into ridiculous pay-day loan debt, so the cycle continues. At least they give hiim the money without expecting him to pay it back. I am much less of a softie than my sister but I think I''d do the same thing, knowing the man.

 

[applequeen]

My husband and I make more than most of our friends but since we live by a strict budget they all assume we're the broke ones. We drive the worst looking car (paid for) and we're always the ones splitting meals when we go out or limiting the number of drinks we buy. They're always making fun of the car (we also have a newer SUV that is nearly paid for) but can't seem to understand why we don't get rid of it (runs ok and is great on gas). We're in good shape financially (not quite as good as we were a few months ago but we bought a house and we've spent a lot on renovations so our savings is slipping) and we're in much better shape than our friends.

My best friend and her fiance are going through a very difficult time financially. He was out of a job for a while and she doesn't make all that much and was supporting both of them (they live together). We needed work done on our house and hired him to help. He worked every day for about a week and a half and in total we probably paid him around $1200. We needed the work done and he needed the $ (we thought for things like his car payment and other bills). My friend told me the other day that he had not given her ANY $ for anything... including his car payment which she paid. She had no idea how much we'd paid him and also has no idea what he did with it. I feel sort of taken advantage of since we offered him the work to help them out. My husband says that we paid him to do a job (he worked very hard for us and did a great job) and it's none of our business what he did with the $. I agree with him but it still stings a little... that $ was important to us... we don't waste $ and I hate to see him waste it when they are in so much trouble financially. I know it's their issue to work out but I'm really worried about them. I can't imagine what sort of future they can have like this. She tries so hard to keep them on track and he constantly messes things up. He's a great guy in every other way but that. We had considered asking him to come back for a couple of days here and there to help but we certainly won't be doing it now.

 

[fieryred33143]

This is an interesting topic. For me, finances are causing a *huge* strain on my relationship with my best friend.

She and I lived together for many years and were making the same (about $9 an hour). We used to have a blast…late night trips to Walmart, getting frozen pizza and inviting friends over, bragging about things we found on clearance, etc.

About the time that I finished graduate school and she and her fiance met each other, things started to “change.” I got a job that paid much more but I still lived like I did when I was making much less. She has had a very small change in her income (maybe $1-$2 more) but she has grown to be extremely materialistic. Her FI makes less than I do (not much maybe $500 less) but combined we (my FI and I) make at least three times as much as they do. Yet they live as though they were on top of the world. And because of that lifestyle, they have friends that do live on top of the world because they can (they’re all wealthy). So they’re constantly thinking of how to upstage their friends. I remember one time we went to the home show with them and some of their friends and by the time we left, he had spent $15,000. Why? Because he needed to show that he “could.” (they can’t BTW)

Now, it’s none of my business what they do with their money (or their borrowed money). But I’m starting to really dislike her attitude. She compares herself too much to her friends and complains about what they have. “She has a 3 carat diamond but mine is only 1 carat.” “She’s driving a Maserati and I have to drive a Tahoe.” She always finds a way to criticize what my FI and I have (the small condo, the Toyota, the cheap washine machine) even though she knows that my income blows her out of the water.

She was never like that before and I don’t like the person she has become at all. All of this has really come to head with her wedding planning. She is trying to do a $50,000 wedding on a $10,000 budget and gives me a

look when I politely mention that she probably doesn't need a $5,000 firework show.

Oh well. such is life.

One thing I am appreciative of is my FI's friends. We make significantly more than they do but they never expect us to pick up any tabs. Instead, they come up with things to do that we can all afford and we always have a good time. He has one couple friend that makes more than we do (probably more than all of us combined LOL) but they are never snobs, ever. If we invite them over for pizza and monopoly, they are the first to arrive (albeit they usually supply the alcohol

)

 

[dragonfly411]

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?
It would depend on what the lending was going towards and how much, considering at my age it''s not common to have a lot of money to lend.

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?
Some of my friends travel in the same circles, some dont. Some are on the same level, some aren''t. I don''t believe in limiting myself to any one particular social group or financial standing group. I have many varied friends. Some are into gaming, some are college girls who love to go out, some are into riding horses, some are more artistic, some more intellectual. It is interesting because my SO has always moved in the country circles (which is a major grouping of my friends as well) and it''s fun to introduce him to different groups. I also have many many older friends, all the way up to 70s - 80s. I just don''t limit myself at all.

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?
Again, this depends on who and where. Most of the time we pay individually. I have a friend, who on our birthdays, the BIRTHDAY PERSON treats the other to a fancy dinner. We''ve done this since we''ve known one another and visit five star restaurants. I have a group of friends who treats me some years to a trip up north for a horse show. I just go and watch and help with their photography equipment.

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do? Not usually. If I feel that that person normally wouldn''t be able to go out, I''ll treat them. I tend to be very giving. If I feel they can afford it, and they are ok with paying their portion, then we will.

Does it create any strain in the relationship? I have NEVER had strain based on money in any of my friendships. My friends understand where they are and where I am. They also understand that I move in many circles, and they are ok with that. Sometimes I''ll inter-mesh the circles to see what happens, if everyone will get along, if they do great, if they don''t oh well. Again, I''ve always been very giving. In the case of someone who is not financially where I am, or has less friends than I do, I try to treat them to things as long as they are comfortable. I don''t expect anything from anyone, they don''t owe me anything and vice versa.

I guess I just have a very open mind about this particular subject.

 

[Elmorton]

Not at all - our friends are all over the place in terms of finances/education/social status. Some have high school degrees, others have graduate degrees, some take any job to scrape by, others have more than they know what to do with. Though it's a total spectrum, sometimes it is hard - for example, I can't help but feel jealous when friends go on fancy vacations or buy expensive lofts in the city that we can't afford, but I just have to remind myself that we made different choices so that we could be happy in our careers and life together.

I think our careers make it really easy for us to fit in most circles. We're both professionals and well educated with jobs that have a decent degree of social capital, and we tend to work closely with mostly working-class people, so I feel like we can have comfortable friendships with just about anyone.

ETA: The other half of the question - oops, I didn't answer it! We ALWAYS pay for our own portion of the bill when we go out with friends. I do have one friend that insists on always paying for everyone, but last year I asked (very delicately) if he would stop and let us pay our own check. While it meant to be a kind gesture, it always made DH and I feel bad at the end of the evening.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:31:18 AM
Author:Bliss

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

This reminds me of the movie Friends With Money starring Jennifer Aniston. In it, friends grow apart / relationships get strained because of finances. Jennifer Aniston''s character tries to borrow money from her friend who says no. Resentments are created due to the inequality and disparity between them all. It''s a pretty interesting movie, albeit a little sad. But it does have a somewhat happy ending!

Pretty much all my friends are around our financial level. Some a bit more, some a bit less.

When we hang out (unless it''s everyone in a huge group) we take turns treating. We don''t keep track...just pay when we feel like it, and usually there is more than one of us squabbling to take the bill. I find the whole splitting check thing awkward (unless it''s a work environment, then it feels more normal.)

The only person I do feel fine with splitting the check is my best friend, for some strange reason. Maybe because I''ve known her for so many years.

We live within our means. If there is someplace everyone is going but I feel at that point we can''t afford it, we just won''t go.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/15/2008 2:40:49 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Pretty much all my friends are around our financial level. Some a bit more, some a bit less.

When we hang out (unless it's everyone in a huge group) we take turns treating. We don't keep track...just pay when we feel like it, and usually there is more than one of us squabbling to take the bill. I find the whole splitting check thing awkward (unless it's a work environment, then it feels more normal.)

The only person I do feel fine with splitting the check is my best friend, for some strange reason. Maybe because I've known her for so many years.

We live within our means. If there is someplace everyone is going but I feel at that point we can't afford it, we just won't go.

I agree with this; us too or we just split the check.

 

[Linda W]

We usually go out in a group and all split the bill. If we go out with a couple of friends, we take turns treating.

If it happens to be that someone''s birthday, we treat that person and their spouse.


Linda

 

[geckodani]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:31:18 AM
Author:Bliss

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

Hmm. We have friends that make more then we do, and some that make less. For the most part though, we all individually make roughly the same amount.

Whether we split the check or not really depends on who we''re hanging out with.

With our married friends, we usually end up doing house parties and rotating who hosts. Guests bring wine/beer. We often end up going over to our friends with kids house, since it''s easier for them to have all their kid''s stuff on hand. We always make sure to bring enough wine for the night and dessert.

When we go out with our single friends... well... that''s where it starts to get interesting. Our 2 closest friends are single guys. They share a really cheap apartment, neither of them has much if any of a car payment or anything in the bank. They assume that since we''re married (double income) and take vacations (I scrimp and save all year so we can go places!) and drive nice cars (I get the ford family plan) that we are made of money. The truth is that we live as frugally as possible, and don''t have a ton of expendeble income. Big purchases are saved up for.

Often they pick expensive restaurants.... and one of our friends is notorious for not paying enough, and we end up picking up the slack.

We''ve started requesting separate checks at the beginning of meals, just to avoid any issues.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:31:18 AM
Author:Bliss

So this topic sprung out of my head from my other thread: would you lend your friend $$$?

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

i go out for lunch with 4-5 friends from Mon-Fri . we take turn paying for lunch except this rich friend of ours

he takes thee advantage of the rest us, yeah he pays, once a month. LUNCH TIME !!

 

[HollyS]

Real friends act as though there is no difference between them, regardless of the disparity of their bank accounts.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:51:55 PM
Author: HollyS
Real friends act as though there is no difference between them, regardless of the disparity of their bank accounts.

So True Holly!!!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/15/2008 4:51:55 PM
Author: HollyS
Real friends act as though there is no difference between them, regardless of the disparity of their bank accounts.

I agree!!! Dancing Fire, all of you should put your foot down. Don''t let him get away with it. He takes advantage because he knows he can.


Linda

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/15/2008 5:08:15 PM
Author: Linda W

I agree!!! Dancing Fire, all of you should put your foot down. Don''t let him get away with it. He takes advantage because he knows he can.


Linda

funny Linda....my wife been saying that for years. and NO he didn''t pay for lunch today.

and get this.....we all know he carries anywhere from $5k-$15K in cash. i always joke telling him ...."i''ll give you $5k for the contents in your pants right now"

 

[Tuckins1]

Most of my friends make as much or less than I do. It doesn''t matter to me... When we go out to eat we each pay for our own, unless it''s a birthday or some special thing where we say before hand that "I''m paying for you" or the other way around. Money doesn''t impress me- Attitudes do. I''ve had friends who had a lot of money (mommy and daddy''s) and they ended up being a$& h*les. I also have friends who have virtually no money and they would give me the shirt off their back if I needed it.

 

[iheartscience]

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

Most of my friends make around what I make, some more, some less.

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

We always split checks...I hand the check to my sister and she busts out her iPhone so we can split it up. It''s just what we do...why go out if you can''t afford to pay your own share?

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn''t make as much as you do?

Nope-they shouldn''t order it if they can''t afford it!

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

Most of my friends are on the same level so there''s no strain, really. I did go on vacation with a couple I''m friends with who make less money than my fiance and me, and they wanted to do everything on the cheap, which was annoying, but it didn''t strain the friendship.

 

[Pandora II]

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

I'd say we all pretty much live on the same level, there are some differences in income but since we're all savers, disposable income is around the same.

What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

We mainly split the bill equally - except for the drinks part which is split between those who drink alcohol. If someone only has a salad while everyone else has had 3 courses, it would also be done seperately.

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn't make as much as you do?

If I know a friend is having financial diffiulties I will normally pick the bill up. My former assistant at work is a student, I really enjoy her company and if we meet up I will normally take her for dinner and pick up the bill. I would never let her pay when I know she can't afford it.

 

[icekid]

haha, this is a funny question for me... being a young doctor (and most of my friends also being young doctors), we all make darn near the exact same (small

) amount of money. Now, I am lucky being married and having a hubby with a good job also though! But we split bills for the most part. Occasionally one or the other will treat, just because it''s fun and nice. But the day someone starts expecting me to pay for them.....

I will say though that I can and do often pay for my siblings at dinner or lunch. Mostly because I don''t get to see them often so it''s pretty rare that we can go out. Plus none of them have even graduated college yet, so I like to do that for them. Somehow it seems less awkard to me because they are family! But they better not start expecting it either

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 8/15/2008 10:31:18 AM
Author:Bliss

Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn't make as much as you do?

Chinese people don't split the check when we go out to eat.infact, most of us fight for the bill (except our riches friend

) when the server brings the check. i'm the poorest among all my friends

 

[Rhea]

Right now we''re all equally poor. There are 4 couples and 1 single. 3 of the couples have had family help buying houses. They might be making less money right now, some of them are in grad school, but they don''t have to pay for housing. I think that salaries may be a bit different with mine being the highest, but our housing is the most expensive right now making all disposal income about equal.

 

[niccia]

Do you and your friends live on the same level / play in the same circle? Do you have a few friends who do not?

I earn a significantly higher income than most of my friends and family (apart from a few people I work with who earn a bit more or less
What happens when you go out to lunch or dinner? Do you pay all the time? Most of the time? Equally?

For family I always try to pay the bill and they always resist but usually I just won't let them. I like to treat them to things they wouldn't do on their own, especially my parents who always gave us most everything we needed as kids on a tight budget.
For friends who make similar income to me , I usually take turns paying the bill with them. I hate splitting the bill. I also find it very embarrassing when people only want to tip the minimum they have to so generally I offer to get the tip. I worked in the service industry for a couple years and I know how tiring it is. For friends who make less, I will often treat them unless I start to feel as though it is expected. Then I just get my own bill. If me and my SO invited people out for dinner we usually get the tab.
Do you ever feel badly splitting the check with a friend who doesn't make as much as you do?

Not really...I figure you order what you can afford. I made much less two years ago and still went out all the time, and I never expected or wanted anyone to pay for me. If I ordered a dessert to share or an extra bottle of wine etc I always pay for the extras and let my friends pay for their meal

Does it create any strain in the relationship???

Haven't really noticed any...I have a few gfs who always assume my fiance pays for everything and feel the need to tell me how lucky I am all the time. I do feel fortunate to be where I am, but it took me 6 years of expensive schooling and training to get here. My best friends, on the other hand, are the way they have always been with me, as are my family.