Friend with miscarriage - need advice

[vespergirl]

Hi everyone, I have a friend who lives out of state, but we keep in touch occassionally on Facebook. She let me know that she was pregnant a few months ago, and that we had gotten pregnant around the same time.

I''m 20 weeks now & found out that we''re having a boy, so I sent her an email to find out how she was doing, how far along she was, etc.

She replied that she had a miscarriage, but that they were planning to try again. She also said that she''s happy for me, and is going to be up in my area for the holidays, and would like to get together.

I just feel awful for her - I sent her a condolence note, but I am wondering if I should see her now when she comes to town - will it be rubbing salt in the wound if I show up with my pregnant belly & 3 year old in tow? I feel especially bad for her, because she''s 41, and there''s no guarantee that she''ll be able to have a successful pregnancy following her miscarriage.

I guess I just don''t want to be insensitive, and I feel that maybe just my presence would be upsetting to her - then again, she''s the one who said that she wants to get together - what do you guys think I should do?

 

[noelwr]

if she didn''t want to get together, she wouldn''t say it. and she is happy for you and she doesn''t want people avoiding her. I would guess she wants life to return to normal as soon as possible and part of that is sharing in other people''s happiness.

of course when you see her I would only talk about your pregnancy when she asks (and I''m sure she will), but be sure to also ask things (non-pregnancy related) going on in her life.

 

[drk]

I think I''d follow her lead on this one. If she didn''t want to see you, she wouldn''t have offered. She knows how far along you are, knows you have an older child. Don''t be offended if she ends up needing to cut the visit short cause she can''t handle it, but she must think she''ll be ok if she put the suggestion out there. I know after my losses and the infertility stuff, I did avoid some friends with babies, but if I''d suggested meeting up, I''d have meant it.

I''d say that you should plan on focusing on other topics of conversation, things you have in common, other exciting things that might be going on in her life. No belly touching and especially no preggo complaints. If she opens up the topic of pregnancy, I still wouldn''t dwell on it. And I think if you sent a condolence note when you found out about her loss, she''ll appreciate that. She''ll know the subject is open for conversation, but I wouldn''t bring it up again if she wants to focus on other things. She''ll talk about it if she needs to.

(Another thought - some people who find out on screening or CVS/amnio that there''s a major genetic problem with the baby will terminate the pregnancy and just describe it later on as a loss. Not sure what her circumstances were, or exactly how she phrased how the pregnancy ended, but if she didn''t have too much trouble getting pregnant the first time, and/or there had been something wrong with the baby, she might better be able to cope with having to try again. You just never know.)

Hope you have a great visit with her if you manage to both find time to get together.

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks guys - I really appreciate your feedback. Since my I haven''t seen my friend since she got married, became a stepmom, and moved to a new state, we will definitely have plenty to talk about, and I was planning to focus on all of those positive things that have happened for her during the past year. I don''t actually talk much about my pregnancy anyway - especially since this is my second time around, and all of this stuff is old hat for me.

Thanks for mentioning the fact that she may want to cut the visit short - that hadn''t occurred to me, but I will definitely understand if that''s what she needs to do.

Thanks again for your advice ...

 

[Bliss]

vesper, that is so nice of you to think of that. Everyone is different, but I think she would be very happy for you. I''m sure she will be a little sad at the very least, but it has nothing to do with your joyous news. She probably just misses her baby, and it might even be a comfort to see you pregnant. It''s nice to celebrate good news when you''re going through a tough time.

 

[qtiekiki]

Ditto on following her lead. I was pregnant with Meena the same time DH''s couins was with her twin girls. She ended up having them prematurely at 20 weeks or so, and they didn''t make it after a few weeks of struggles. My SIL insisted that the cousin would be ok for us to visit her and her DH to offer our condolences, but we just didn''t feel right about it (like you said, it''s like rubbing it in their faces). And I am glad we didn''t b/c the cousin avoided all family gatherings for a long time after her losses. It was too painful for her to see the new babies around and to have people ask about her twins. She only started attending family gatherings after when she was 5 months pregnant again. It''s different in your situation since your friend is the one who suggested you two get together. So I am sure she is excited to see and catch up with you.

 

[KimberlyH]

Vesper, I absolutely agree with those who said if she couldn''t handle it she wouldn''t have asked to see you. Most of my girlfriends live 500 miles away, and I visited them shortly after miscarryinng last spring. One of them was/is pregnant and the situtation with the father is less than ideal. It was hard seeing her but I''m so glad I was able to spend that time with all of them. I never told her I had been pregnant, I didn''t want to upset her or make her feel guilty; I had other friends who were great sounding boards during our visit and if I needed to I would change the subject or step away for a moment. If I were in your shoes I''d ask how she''s doing, and then let her decide if she wants to discuss her loss or move on to other topics.

You''re a good friend for being so considerate.