Friction with MIL post-wedding?

[wyndham]

Hi All,

Did you have any pre-wedding friction with your MIL? If so, how has that played out now that you''re married? Did any pre-wedding tension disappear, or do you still feel (or hold!) residual resentment?

I am getting married in about a month, and I''m sincerely hoping that things will calm down with FMIL once we''re married. We had a great relationship before FI and I became engaged, but for the last few months she''s gotten increasingly demanding. I''m telling myself that her behavior will subside when the wedding is over, but I''m curious as to what will happen with our relationship in the future.

Thanks for any thoughts or opinions!

 

[Elmorton]

I had a little bit with my SMIL in about the week or two before the wedding. Absolutely gone after. I think our relationships with our parents (which were good to start with) have gotten even better post-wedding.

I do think it depends on what your MIL is being demanding about - some things are symptomatic of bigger issues and other things are not. My SMIL got upset with the way I''d done the seating chart, I think there was some financial tension, and I think she was hurt about how much help I asked/didn''t ask for. Afterward, the money stuff was clearly not an issue, neither were seating charts, she had a great time at the wedding, and since married life has a much bigger scope than a single wedding day, I''m able to talk to her and ask her opinion on topics other than event planning.

 

[Lanie]

I didn''t have any friction with my MIL at all. I am so lucky! My DH got a little annoyed from time to time with her, but nothing major.

I think if she''s demanding right now, it will surely subside. We brides forget that it is her family''s wedding as well, so she wants to have her stamp on it. Not that she has a say in anything, but she might think she does. I bet it will get better. Most of my fights were with my own mother because she was the "hostess" of the wedding, so she wanted some things to be done HER way. Now my mom is back to normal and just chomping at the bit for the phone call saying we''re expecting.

 

[Londongirl1]

I'm not married yet but my FMIL & I get on just fine. That may change a little once all the planning really gets underway but I'm sure we'll be fine again once the wedding is over.

My girlfriend doesn't have a good relationship with her MIL but she didn't have a good relationship with her well before the wedding either. MIL badmouthed my friend all over town - very sad situation to be in

 

[nclrgirl]

I never had friction with MIL before DH and I got engaged. During the wedding planning there were a couple of small items, but they were solved quickly without too much trouble/hurt feelings. Right after the wedding, things were AWESOME for about 4-6 months. I thought I was home free!

Now...not so great. I feel as though she feels like she''s in a power struggle with me, but I never thought about it this way. I''m ok with knowing that MIL and I are both important women in DH''s life. I''ve gone out of my way to try to make things relatively painless for her (and from what I saw while DH and I were dating, MIL sees DH MUCH more now than before me). However, I feel as though she''s starting to get passive aggressive with me. I''m not really sure what to do about that yet, but it certainly is frustrating as well as very hurtful.

 

[vespergirl]

Edited

 

[vespergirl]

I''ve been married twice - with my current MIL, we have a great relationship. We truly get along, and seem to have a lot of respect and affection for each other.

In my first marriage, however, my ex-MIL was a total psycho - even her kids (ex and his sister) would admit this. The ex & I had a big fight over the necessrity of health insurance a month before our wedding - ex was talking about quitting his full-time job & losing his benefits, and I thought that was a bad idea (I still had benefits through my job though). His mother bawled me out and said that it was my responsibility to take care of her son, so he could follow his dreams - besides, we were in our 20s, so we wouldn''t get sick. She kept going off on me, up until a few weeks before the wedding, and finally ex told her to lay off or she couldn''t come to the wedding. So, she apologized, but I never trusted her again. Lo and behold, 7 months into our marriage, ex was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 27. It''s a good thing he was covered under my health insurance!

I took care of him through his treatment, and paid for everything that insurance didn''t. She only came to visit for a few days the whole time he was sick. She never thanked me or apologized for her asinine viewpoint on health insurance that would have killed her son if we had followed her advice. Even though I totally took care of her son, she was always speaking against me in the family, and we ended up getting divorced after 2 years of marriage. His mother definitely wasn''t the cause of the divorce, but her attitude certainly didn''t help.

As you can imagine, I was terrified of meeting my current MIL, but she''s a total peach, and we get along very well. I do think that those relationships are important to work out before the wedding, because you never know what could follow your MIL doesn''t like you ...

 

[brooklyngirl]

Things were peachy with my MIL before we got married. Unfortunately the proverbial poo hit the fan on the day of my wedding, and things haven''t gotten any better. MIL likes to feel that she''s controlling things, and is prone to tantrums. This is what I learned on my wedding day, as a tantrum was thrown. This is a trait that I abhor in people, and I don''t think she''s going to change. I think things have gotten worse after marriage because now her tantrums affect me as well. This is all aside from nasty backhanded commentary on matters pertaining strictly to DH and myself, not that anyone asked for her opinion.

As far as things getting better after the wedding, I don''t know. It really depends on the details of your situation, but from what I''ve seen of those around me, relationships with MILs tend to get worse, not better.

 

[wyndham]

Thanks for all of the replies!

Elmorton: I''m glad to hear yours went away after the wedding! Our friction has been over seemingly mundane things, too (what the wedding party was wearing, meal choices, etc) -- but this friction has led me to see a side of her that''s quite pushy and demanding. It''s not that I blame her for caring about those things, but she''s seemed to completely disregard my feelings in order to get what *she* wants...and it''s that particular behavior that has been a real turnoff to me. FI and I come from different cultures and different religions, and both of us and our families have been willing to compromise so that we''re happy...well, everyone except MIL, that is! Even if she goes back to acting ''normal'' after the wedding, I''m not sure that I''ll be able to just ''forgive and forget'', so to speak.

Lanie: Lucky you! Thanks for the advice...I''m wondering if I''ll be able to like being around her again even if she starts acting normal after the wedding? Who knows!

Londongirl: I found that FMIL''s crazy behavior didn''t come on strong until 3-4 months beforehand, so I''ll keep my fingers crossed for your and all the other BIWs. Good luck with your planning!

nclrgirl: This is EXACTLY how I feel -- like FMIL wants to have some kind of power struggle with me...it''s like she craves control over everything but is unwilling to lift a finger to make any of it happen. Very strange. Good luck with your MIL, I wish I had any good advice but I''m in the same boat!

vespergirl: Your first MIL sounds AWFUL...I''m so glad that this one is such a doll. Must be nice!

brooklyngirl: THIS is what I''m also concerned about...that this downward spiral of her bad behavior won''t stop after the wedding. How have you handled it? Ignore her? Make DH handle her? Any advice is appreciated!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Whyndham, the most important thing is to you can do is to not give in to FMIL''s demands as a result of her bad behavior. That will only invite more of the same since she''ll see that it''s effective. I have found that ignoring the behavior doesn''t really work

.

As far as how to deal with the MIL, if she makes a nasty comment or something of the sort directly to me, I call her on it. However, her and I have not really spoken since her last nasty comment, where I yelled at her a little bit. After that, she no longer calls me, which is fine by me. So, DH usually deals with her, since now the bad behavior is directed towards DH.

 

[CNOS128]

Not my MIL as much as my SIL (MIL''s first DIL, if you will).
Especially at/around the wedding. I chalk it up to her being jealous of the attention being on someone else for once. She absolutely needs to have focus on her or her kid at all times, and she needs to have things her way (she even demanded that my photographer take special portraits of her, her husband, and their child -- even though MY siblings didn''t get any special portraits of this kind).

We haven''t spoken since my wedding several months ago.

I try to just ignore her as much as possible and be thankful that we don''t live close to each other. It''s not pleasant, but I married my husband, not his family! (It does help, however, that DH doesn''t like her much, either).

 

[nclrgirl]

Wyndham, Thanks for your kind words! I truly hope your situation gets better. I struggled for a while and just recently DH and I are making progress on the MIL front. For the first time this year we set boundaries when it came to fair division of our time for holidays and drew a line in the sand. DH did the communicating with MIL, which I believe is the only thing preventing WW3. However, it feels good for us to be united and I think it''s a big eye opener for MIL that guilt and threats will not work in the future.

Another thing that has been helping me is reading "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It really helped me put my feelings about the situation into loving words, and I finally feel like DH is understanding how I''m feeling.

 

[wolftress]

We had more friction with my parents than with DH''s before the wedding, but two years later (I know I''m no longer a newlywed but I sure feel like one

) things are great with my parents. Every now and then things get a bit tense, but for the most part we all get along fine. DH goes out of his way to make my parents happy so I think this is the main reason things have improved.

wyndham, I hope everything smooths over with your MIL after the wedding. I''m sure it will as you had a great relationship before you got engaged.

 

[anchor31]

Hi wyndham! I was in a more or less similar situation pre-wedding and I posted this in the in-laws dynamic thread a few weeks ago.

The dynamics between me and my in-laws were pretty... "neutral", I guess, pre-engagement. We tolerated each other. Then we got engaged, and things got really bad. My MIL became extremely jealous and would throw fits about everything wedding-related. It was awful. At the wedding however, she actually came to us and said that we''d done a wonderful job and she should have trusted us more. I don''t think her behaviour had anything to do with her worrying about the actual wedding (it was more of a "I''m stealing her favorite son away from her" thing), but I''m not sure she herself knew the true motivations behind her freak-outs. In any case, I decided it was pointless to begrudge her the two years of hell she put us through (honestly, I almost called it quits because of her), and now things are back to sort of "neutral". MIL really tries and I have to give her that, but she just... annoys the heck out of me. She''s clingy and touchy-feely and loud and she talks all the time but doesn''t really have anything to say. Despite that, I really try to be nice. It wouldn''t be fair to DH if I didn''t at least try to get along. I know I do appear to be distant, though. I really try, but they always manage to push my buttons so it''s hard.

I hope things get better for you post-wedding... The friction is always so hard to handle.

 

[bee*]

I''m lucky in that we have always gotten along very well. She can irritate the hell out of me and once or twice during the engagement, she tried to push her views onto us but I just told her that we wouldn''t be doing that and she was fine with it. Hopefully your FMIL will be fine after the wedding, especially as you had a great relationship with her beforehand.

 

[TooPatient]

John Gottman''s books are great. The Seven Principals is one of his best. He has a website you can purchase items from.

I just finished his 10 Keys to Successful Relationships. He uses real couples as examples. Shows their original conversation, his (and his wife -- they work together) advice to them, and a re-try of the conversation. Makes for interesting reading.



As for my FMIL (future mother in law? -- I''m still learning abreviations here), she doesn''t get along with her son. Never has. Several hour flight away. We''ve seen her twice in the last 5 years. Phone calls or e-mails less than monthly. I actually don''t think she''ll even come to the wedding.

The way I deal with her is to pass the phone off without answering. She doesn''t have my e-mail. She doesn''t even remember my name usually. And she lives far enough away she can''t just stop by. (and she doesn''t like kids so if we ever have any I won''t have to worry about her being around more)