Explaining natural disasters to little kids

[kenny]

My heart goes out to all of the affected people affected by the tornados.
I heard of one parent on CNN asking, 'How do we explain this to our children?'

That got me thinking ... what's to explain?
Bad things just happen sometimes.
Do parents tell their kids nothing bad will ever happen?
Yes, it's a parent's job to protect their kids, but some things are beyond anyone's control.

Can't you just be this clear and frank a kid of any age?
If not help me understand since I've never been a parent or have much contact with little kids.

It seems almost abusive to promise kids that nothing bad will ever happen to them.

 

[manderz]

I agree. It's a tough place to be, trying to explain a disaster to children. I'm not a parent myself, so I'm interested to hear the response of others.

I also very much agree with your statement about promising nothing will ever happen to children. Kind of a silly comparison, but it reminds me greatly of Finding Nemo, when Dori and Marlon are discussing not letting anything happen to Nemo, and Dori tells him that's a silly promise, that he has to let some things happen to him.

 

[kenny]

I agree. It's a tough place to be, trying to explain a disaster to children.

I don't think would be tough at all to just tell the truth.
"Susie, sometimes bad things just happen. It is natural to wonder why but some questions just don't have answers."

That's all I'd say, the truth ... What I know for sure.
I would not make stuff up to make it easier for her.
That strikes me as really wrong, and I think it would backfire some day.

 

[distracts]

I don't think would be tough at all to just tell the truth.
"Susie, sometimes bad things just happen. It is natural to wonder why but some questions just don't have answers."

That's all I'd say, the truth ... What I know for sure.
I would not make stuff up to make it easier for her.
That strikes me as really wrong, and I think it would backfire some day.

My parents just told me the truth and I turned out just fine (for certain definitions of "just fine"). My parents, though, are very reasonable people. After your quote, which was more or less what they would tell me, they'd probably then get into arcane explanations of weather patterns, or whatever else caused the disaster.

 

[JaneSmith]

Immediately Following a Natural Disaster: Information for Parents and Teachers

Remain calm and reassuring. Children take their cues from you, especially young children. Acknowledge the loss or destruction, but emphasize the community’s efforts to cleanup and rebuild. To the extent it is possible to do so, assure them that family and friends will take care of them and that life will return to normal.

Acknowledge and normalize their feelings. Allow children to discuss their feelings and concerns, and address any questions they may have regarding the event. Listen and empathize. An empathetic listener is very important. Let them know that their reactions are normal and expected.

Encourage children to talk about disaster-related events. Children need an opportunity to discuss their experiences in a safe, accepting environment. Provide activities that enable children to discuss their experiences. This may include a range of methods (both verbal and nonverbal) and incorporate varying projects (e.g., drawing, stories, music, drama, audio and video recording). Seek the help of the school psychologist, counselor, or social worker if you need help with ideas or managing the conversation.

Promote positive coping and problem-solving skills. Activities should teach children how to apply problem-solving skills to disaster-related stressors. Encourage children to develop realistic and positive methods of coping that increase their ability to manage their anxiety and to identify which strategies fit with each situation.

Emphasize children’s resiliency. Focus on their competencies. Help children identify what they have done in the past that helped them cope when they were frightened or upset. Bring their attention to other communities that have experienced natural disasters and recovered (e.g., Miami, FL and Charleston, SC).

Strengthen children’s friendship and peer support. Children with strong emotional support from others are better able to cope with adversity. Children’s relationships with peers can provide suggestions for how to cope and can help decrease isolation. In many disaster situations, friendships may be disrupted because of family relocations. In some cases, parents may be less available to provide support to their children because of their own distress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Activities such as asking children to work cooperatively in small groups can help children strengthen supportive relationships with their peers.

Take care of your own needs. Take time for yourself and try to deal with your own reactions to the situation as fully as possible. You will be better able to help your children if you are coping well. If you are anxious or upset, your children are more likely to feel the same way. Talk to other adults such as family, friends, faith leaders, or counselors. It is important not to dwell on your fears or anxiety by yourself. Sharing feelings with others often makes people feel more connected and secure. Take care of your physical health. Make time, however small, to do things you enjoy. Avoid using drugs or alcohol to feel better.

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/naturaldisaster_ho.aspx

Explaining natural disasters to your kids:
http://nspt4kids.com/parenting/8-tips-for-talking-to-young-children-about-natural-disasters/

 

[kenny]

Thanks for those links Jane.
It helps me understand.
Sounds like support and comfort is much more important than anything you say.

 

[yennyfire]

It's a tough thing to discuss with young kids because you don't want to shatter their illusion that they are safe (which, as we all know, they probably aren't at all times). Responding to their questions is important, as is comforting them if they are scared. I also feel strongly that the info you give them access to has to be age appropriate. For this reason, we don't let our 6 & 8 year olds watch the news. We decide what they are emotionally able to hear and what they are not yet ready to cope with.

After the Newtown shooting earlier this year, several of our friends children heard about it (either on the news or from older siblings) and STILL have nightmares, months later. My 8 year old niece heard about it from her 14 year old babysitter (my sister was furious) and she's had issues ever since. To me, there's a difference between explaining a natural disaster and one that was "man made". I still think that being honest is the best policy, I just think that the less said the better. Answer their questions without going into gory detail and make sure that they know they can talk to you anytime....then give them tons of hugs and kisses.

 

[chrono]

Be truthful and explain it in simple terms that is age appropriate so that children can understand the natural cause. There is little else anyone can do since weather is beyond our control. Children do need assurance from parents that the parent will do their best to be there for them. Adults can be surprised by how much children understand for their age.

 

[iLander]

Kenny,

The thing kids have difficulty with is "if this just happened out of the blue, can it happen again? Tomorrow? The next day?" or "My friends just died, will I die next? Will you die? Out of the blue?" That's the hard part. A young child has a very tenuous understanding of what is reality and what isn't. (Which is why I have serious trouble with parents taking young children to scary movies, but that's another thread.)

When babies are first born, they think that they are part of the mother, and don't even realize they are separate beings until they are about 1 year old. Around 2, they realize they have an effect on the world and that's where all the "no!" comes from. By the time they are 5, they have matured, but they need to depend on routine and regularity, predictability. A tornado, at any elementary school age, is a major trauma. It disturbs the child's perception of what the world is and how it works.

Your answer, "Bad things happen," needs to have the words "sometimes, but not often" in it.

 

[NTave]

I think its easy to tell them the truth, leave out the gory details and just bring it up if they ask about it. Being from New England, we have had some very sad disasters in the last 6 months that I have had to explain, and none were natural.
I have explained floods and tornadoes and fires as pretty matter of fact, leaving out the pain and suffering as much as I can unless they ask. Most times my kids accept the fact that these things happen, that they have happened far from where we are (10 miles is far to a little person), and that nothing like that has happened immediately around here..that is usually enough to satisfy that they feel safe and secure.

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree with iLander, and I also think that it is hard for small children to understand that enormity of what has happened. It's a matter of HOW to explain it to them, and how to get them to understand that they won't get to go back to their old house, and that their toys aren't there anymore. I can remember that when my great grandmother died I was 5 and I knew yes she was dead but I didn't understand what it meant. I didn't understand that I'd never see her or talk to her again, not until I really didn't see or talk to her. They told me, and explained, but I didn't really truly understand what death was. It's the same thing with an event like this. You also have to face the fact that your child may and will be terrified of storms. When I was 7-8 we were at an event at a local springs and lightning struck an oak tree next to the pavilion we were under and injured many of my family friends. I spent the next 10 years panicking any time there was lightning, truly panicking. I would not go out of a dark room during a storm, would freak out if anyone went outside or turned on a tv or showered during a storm. It's a reality parents have to face and figure out how to deal with. Yes parents tell their kids bad things happen, but what would you say to a child who lived through this and had to face that something like that could happen again some day.

 

[kenny]

Now I have a better understanding of why this is a dilemma for parents ... well, good parents who put the needs of the kids first.

Not to threadjack, but I think my coldness and kid-ignorance stems from having a really bad childhood with a dad that severely abused us.
After years of therapy I survived, but I have an empty hole in my head when it comes to instinct for what a child should get to be as healthy as possible. I didn't get it or witness it.
Good thing I don't have kids.

Thanks all.

 

[yennyfire]

Now I have a better understanding of why this is a dilemma for parents ... well, good parents who put the needs of the kids first.

Not to threadjack, but I think my coldness and kid-ignorance stems from having a really bad childhood with a dad that severely abused us.
After years of therapy I survived, but I have an empty hole in my head when it comes to instinct for what a child should get to be as healthy as possible. I didn't get it or witness it.
Good thing I don't have kids.

Thanks all.

Kenny, every time you talk about your childhood, I just want to pick you up and cuddle you and erase the hole in your heart. Every kid deserves a loving family. It breaks my heart that you (and so many others) didn't get that. From everything you've posted here, I think you'd make a pretty amazing parent...someone once told me that, as a parent, you grow with your kids. So, you don't need to know how to deal with explaining tragedy to them when they are toddlers and by the time you do have to deal with it, you will know your kid well enough to know what they need to hear. I think you would raise loving, level-headed kids who are able to contribute positively to society. Just sayin'.....

 

[kenny]

Thanks Yenny, and everyone for putting up with what must seem like almost a morbid curiosity of what is healthy and normal child-upbringing.

I'm very curious about good parenting.
It is so important.
As an adult I've met and stayed with a few fine families and my head just about exploded with sadness and loss, but also envy.

 

[momhappy]

My heart goes out to all of the affected people affected by the tornados.
I heard of one parent on CNN asking, 'How do we explain this to our children?'

That got me thinking ... what's to explain?
Bad things just happen sometimes.
Do parents tell their kids nothing bad will ever happen?
Yes, it's a parent's job to protect their kids, but some things are beyond anyone's control.

Can't you just be this clear and frank a kid of any age?
If not help me understand since I've never been a parent or have much contact with little kids.

It seems almost abusive to promise kids that nothing bad will ever happen to them.

I don't know of any parent who promises that nothing bad will ever happen (I'm sure that they're out there, but I don't know of any).
Certain topics are more age-appropriate than others. For example, obviously my kids will end up having sex one day, but clearly, there is an age-appropriate time to have those types of discussions. Having a discussion about tornados that kill people is far too deep say for a 2 year-old, but as children mature mentally/emotionally, simple discussions that convey thoughts and feelings become more appropriate. My kids are in Elementary school and I find it far more difficult to explain things like the Boston Marathon bombings (or similar events where people carry out malicious attacks on others for the sole purpose of hurting other people). People hurting other people is not something that they understand very well, so it's a topic that I handle delicately. As a parent, I walk a fine line between protecting my children and over-sharing, which can create unnecessary anxiety. I think that it's important to let them know that yes, bad things happen sometimes, but that there is good in the world too. We discuss things like donating to charity, helping those in need, etc. in an effort to balance things out.
A bit off-topic, but my children will be experiencing their first death in the family pretty soon (a close relative has stage 4 cancer that has begun to spread throughout the body). At their age, we are sharing that so-and-so is very sick and that sometimes when people are sick, they don't get better (as opposed to the kind of "sick" that they are used to where you feel bad for a couple of days, but then feel better). We don't think that it's appropriate to go around talking about death and dying as it would only create anxiety. For that reason, we are sort of preparing them for the loss without being all gloom and doom. Obviously, they will have to deal with it soon enough, but there's really no need to go into the morbid details about it, at least at this point. I'm sure that they will have plenty of questions when the time comes and we will answer them as best we can.

 

[KaeKae]

Be truthful and explain it in simple terms that is age appropriate so that children can understand the natural cause. There is little else anyone can do since weather is beyond our control. Children do need assurance from parents that the parent will do their best to be there for them. Adults can be surprised by how much children understand for their age.

this. I will add: answer the actual questions asked by a child. Simple and honest. If the child wants more information, he or she will ask.

My children were 3 and 6 on 9/11. We were living in NJ, and though we were not right near nyc, we were close enough to have lost a few members of our community. The three year old knew nothing of it at the time, and we let the 6 year old ask questions as they came to her. It took quite some time before she really understood what had happened.

 

[monarch64]

You explain it when it happens. You make sure the child knows she's safe, you make sure the child knows she'll be taken care of no matter what ELSE happens, and you tell that child she is loved, and that everything will be ok no matter what. (Whether you yourself know that or not.)