Etiquette Check [wedding invite]

[Enerchi]

That is actually pretty inappropriate because they know you are in a long term and serious relationship and he is significant enough to the couple that he's in the bridal party.

I agree.

You said you've been together longer than they have, so they know you are in the picture. It is distressing that they did not include you. I'd also be quite upset if that were me.

I hope your SO contacts the groom to clear this up. If you are not invited (MAJOR RUDE!) then set yourself up for a fun filled weekend and do your absolute best to immerse yourself in happy people so you aren't ruminating over where SO is and you are not.

Ouch MissP! I hope this resolves well....

 

[MissStepcut]

I actually just fell down this rabbit hole of etiquette recently, and the "rule" is actually that you do have to invite spouses, engaged counterparts, AND live-in boyfriends/girlfriends (according to Peggy Post). Miss Manners extends that to couples that are "firmly attached." So if that makes you feel better in the sense that you're justified, you're definitely justified in being offended!

That said, I'd just let it go. Find something to do that weekend that makes you happy, maybe with a couple girlfriends, and forget this miss-mannered couple. But then, I don't really like weddings, so it would be no big loss for me.

 

[LJL]

I haven't read all the responses but I am going to disagree with the larger part of them that I've read. I think I might be upset if it happened to me out of the blue but the fact that I am assessing it at arms length right now makes me feel differently...

If it was your husband - yes, its rude to exclude you (and I'm not trying to be rude, I'm not married either but have an SO of 3 years)
If you both knew the person independently or knew them only after being a couple - then its rude.

but since he knew the person before, and since you will be left alone for much of the time, I dont think its THAT rude. My SO has some friends from before he met me that I have only met in passing. I wouldn't DEFINITELY expect to be invited to their wedding, even though my SO is most likely going to be in their wedding parties. I was recently a bridesmaid in a wedding that my SO didn't go to (though he was invited, I took my sister instead because I knew it would be easier for all involved).

I get that you feel excluded... but 100 people isnt a BIG BIG wedding in todays terms and so I don't think its THAT rude. Try to think of people in your life that you wouldnt extend a "plus 1" to...? I know there are a lot of people who have SOs in my life that I dont know so well and I know that they would be the first to be excluded if I was trying to save money. Another way to think of it is - how much do you intend to be part of their married life? Just because your SO is good friends with the groom doesnt mean that you need to share in their first moment of marital bliss....

but that said, I'm sorry if this has been hard on you. Its possible that the wedding comes and goes and isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme.

 

[tammy77]

My DH (then SO) would not have gone to a wedding that I wasn't invited to, much less spend a lot of OUR money to do it. It's just a matter of principle. If I were your SO, I would politely tell them that he didn't realize it was a solo invite, and respectfully retract his participation because he doesn't want to take from community resources just to have you sitting at home w/o him.

 

[yssie]

This is completely bizarre.

I can't imagine any reason for something like this other than a mistake - maybe in the printing - surely noone would deliberately commit such an obvious and painful faux pas? I definitely think your SO should talk to the groom, and I'm betting that'll clear everything up!


If not... my DH wouldn't be going. Simple. We wouldn't spend our time and money celebrating the relationship of two people who didn't value our relationship. To me, it wouldn't just be that they didn't invite you (which is appallingly rude no matter what the reason, honestly), it'd be that they didn't even have the courtesy to talk to your SO about the situation before sending invites out, if they do have severe space restrictions or have to stick to a strict head-count or something.

 

[sillyberry]

I would be hurt if I was not invited to a wedding and my SO was where I cared about the couple getting married. I would be miffed if I was not invited to a wedding and my SO was where I did not care about the couple getting married. For me, there is a difference, so while it is rude generally, I would react differently to the scenarios.

FWIW, a long-term girlfriend didn't end up on our guest list because while I think I had probably met her at some point, my husband didn't put her on the guest list even after I told him to include anyone in a serious relationship, and she wasn't enough on my radar to point it out to him. The guy asked if she could come, we said sure, she came. The slight wasn't at all intentional, although she very well could have thought it was (I never heard one way or another). Eight months later they were engaged!

 

[distracts]

I am of two minds on this.

On the one hand, I completely understand not inviting people you don't know well to your wedding, even if they are the partner of someone you DO know well. It gets expensive, and while it's easy to say "yes, they should invite significant others," it's hard to justify when you are paying 100+ a head and suddenly you're facing thousands of dollars of extra costs... and for things like that you can't really make an exception, because otherwise it'll be all "why'd so-and-so's girlfriend get to come when mine didn't?" BUT when this is happening, I think it needs to be mentioned to the members of the wedding party when they are asked to be in the wedding party, and put on the wedding website (if they have one) so that people don't get confused and just bring their +1 anyway.

On the other hand, if you really want the people you invited at your wedding, you need to suck it up and do what you have to do to make it enjoyable for everyone. And that means spending money, and inviting people you don't really know. My fiance and I have both been invited together to and gone together to weddings of people that one of us had not even met - and the interesting thing is that these weddings were intentionally kept very small due to budgetary reasons (one was around 50 people and the other was around 30 people). But in both cases, the one of us who didn't know the person getting married was still specifically addressed on the invitation (thanks to facebook, no doubt).

In the end, I think you should have been invited. Try not to let it bug you too much, though I know how hard it is. I still carry hard feelings toward a distant cousin I used to like who had a no-kids wedding when I was in middle school (and thus too young to get invited). I know it was probably due to the budget or the location or something but what I took from it was that she hated kids and thus me, and never really liked her anymore. So I totally get what you're feeling. Kind of. It's not really the same situation at all, but I sympathize.

 

[JewelFreak]

Well, according to Miss Manners, who is my guru because she's so sharp & funny too, longtime SOs should be invited just as spouses are. It's pretty thoughtless to leave out one of an established couple. That means paring down your guest list another way if you have a strict budget limit.

However, since they didn't invite you, I don't see that asking about it would be any less rude. With both save-the-date & invite addressed the same, as you said, it's obviously not a mistake. I can see how they figured you wouldn't know many there & might not enjoy it, but it's still rude. Luckily, you aren't missing anything you'll eat your heart out over.

In the future, though, I'd sure not be inclined to keep up much of a friendship with this couple. It's not worth getting deeply upset over -- life's too short for that -- but seems like there isn't a big basis for a close buddy-ship here. Do something special for yourself that day -- go to a spa or shopping (or both!).

--- Laurie

 

[missy]

This is completely bizarre.

I can't imagine any reason for something like this other than a mistake - maybe in the printing - surely noone would deliberately commit such an obvious and painful faux pas? I definitely think your SO should talk to the groom, and I'm betting that'll clear everything up!


If not... my DH wouldn't be going. Simple. We wouldn't spend our time and money celebrating the relationship of two people who didn't value our relationship. To me, it wouldn't just be that they didn't invite you (which is appallingly rude no matter what the reason, honestly), it'd be that they didn't even have the courtesy to talk to your SO about the situation before sending invites out, if they do have severe space restrictions or have to stick to a strict head-count or something.

Huge ditto. I am so sorry this is happening to you Miss Prudential. It is beyond rude. You two are a couple. It's not like you are a fly by night girlfriend or just started dating. You are in a relationship and should be treated as such. I would be pissed as well and there would be no way my dh (or dSO) would be attending this wedding (as a member of the wedding party no less!!) without me. And I am not PMSing!

IMO it is rude and in very bad manners to do this. I agree with those who suggest your SO contact the groom politely and ask what's up. Seriously, if he's good enough friends to be included in the wedding party he should feel comfortable enough discussing this with him.

Hope this works out for you both!!

 

[chel180]

ETA: I was just looking at their gift registry this weekend. HAH. They probably didn't know who does the gift giving in this relationship.

very funny!

 

[audball]

I'd probably be upset, but I don't think I'd spend too much time worrying about it. As others pointed out, the line has to be drawn somewhere for everyone and while I don't think that was the best place to draw the line, it's what they chose.

I think your SO will have to decide first off if he will go without you, if he still wants to participate in the bridal party without you there, and then respond accordingly.

Just recently (March) my SO's older brother got married and Andrew was a groomsmen. Andrew and I have only been officially dating since July so we haven't been together a super long time, though our relationship is already quite serious and his family knows this. While I'd only met his brother and fiance (now wife) a few times, we all got along. The invitation came and it was just to him and I was a little sad, but told him to respond just as himself and let it go.

Two or three days later Andrew gets a call from his brother asking why I wasn't coming with him and asked if we were okay. Lol. It was a huge oversight/misunderstanding and they wanted me there and just didn't notice when the invitations were done. So Andrew told him we were fine and that I'd like to attend but that we responded as such because my name wasn't on the invitation and that we didn't want to be presumptuous. It happens. I'm not saying this is what happened to you, but the only way to know is either ask directly or wait for them to ask why you aren't attending. Depends on how strongly you feel about it I'd guess.

Good luck. I'd say you could have your day to retaliate and exclude her when you get married if you were the sort of person to do that, but you'd be breaking even more etiquette at that point since they'd be married then.

 

[Haven]

Audball's story is a good reminder that oversights do happen. It doesn't sound like this was an oversight, but you never know.

My husband and I had been dating for over a year when one of his cousins became a bar mitzvah. They sent the invitation to my DH and the envelope read "and guest." Well, my DH had already booked a trip to Denver for the weekend of the bar mitzvah, and so he couldn't make it and RSVPd no.

About a year after the bar mitzvah DH's first cousin, the bar mitzvah boy's mother, told me that she was so hurt I hadn't attended her son's bar mitzvah without my DH. I told her that it wouldn't have been appropriate since he was only invited with an "and guest" so he wasn't going to RSVP for the unnamed guest alone. She was shocked that this was how we interpreted the invite, and I was shocked that she thought anyone would write in a guest's name if the invitee couldn't make it. A big misunderstanding, to be sure.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I think it's definitely rude! I'm in guest list and wedding planning mode and while I do understand not inviting SO's of people who haven't been together long, since he is a part of the wedding you should definitely have been invited! You're not some casual girl of the moment either. Make sure this gets addressed (it can be done is a casual 'bro' kind of conversation), because not saying anything will surely leave the outcome the same; you not invited with your feelings hurt.

 

[Phdecorate]

A lot of good advice here. I have been married before and my wedding was just 90 people. I invited people I didn't really know and/or did not really want to come because of plus 1 situations. So I do believe it was rude to not invite you. If your SO is so important that he be in the bridal party, you should be important enough as HIS SO to be invited. After all, the guys are theoretically best friends and at some point, distance determining, the four of you would likely be spending time together. So unfortunately, all over your invite which might have cost them 100-200 for your plate (maybe more maybe less), they are going to jeopardize a long term friendship. Because, let's face it. Whatever you do about their wedding or your own, you are not going to feel like wanting to spend time with them after this, right?
I think the unfortunate thing is that people change, sometimes because of who they end up with, sometimes just because of time. So I would not force myself on them, but keep it in your mind and go forward from there. But I would not be mad at your SO for going, he probably would not know how to back out and it is his friend, from before the friend got with her. However, I would be mad if he did not at least understand why you were so upset and be insulted on your behalf. After all, they are supposed to be his friends, what does it say about him (I am not saying it says anything wrong about him, but he should maybe wonder are these friends as good as I thought they were). To me, a true friend is someone you can count on regardless, if you don't talk for months and you pick up the phone nothing has changed.
can't wait to hear what you end up doing!

 

[Rhea]

It might be an oversight. We invited long-term partners to our wedding. We thought 2 of DHs friends didn't have girlfriends, turns out we were wrong about 1 of them and a quick phone call added another guest, bumping our total to 32.

A very close friend appeared to just invite me. When I showed up alone she enquired where DH was at. We had assumed he wasn't invited. I say call the couple.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi MissP,

I think that strictly speaking it's not *rude*. It's common practice not to invite a spouse when you are trying to limit numbers. I would also say that 100 people is not a large wedding, I think it's actually on the small side when you consider family and extended family.

However, I would definitely say it's not gracious, and definitely not kind either. I was with my husband 15+ years before we were married. There were 1 or 2 weddings that I was not invited to. I didn't ask to be invited, as I think it puts both the couple and the person who is excluded in an awkward position.

I do believe in the +1 rule, because I always imagine what a terrible time I would have sitting at a table, not knowing anyone. I'm shy and that would be awful. Therefore, I had +1 letting my friends know that a friend of the same-sex or opposite sex would be welcome. For me, it was about my friend's having a good time. One of my friends brought her sister, and another one of my friends bought her best friend.

 

[slg47]

This is completely bizarre.

I can't imagine any reason for something like this other than a mistake - maybe in the printing - surely noone would deliberately commit such an obvious and painful faux pas? I definitely think your SO should talk to the groom, and I'm betting that'll clear everything up!


If not... my DH wouldn't be going. Simple. We wouldn't spend our time and money celebrating the relationship of two people who didn't value our relationship. To me, it wouldn't just be that they didn't invite you (which is appallingly rude no matter what the reason, honestly), it'd be that they didn't even have the courtesy to talk to your SO about the situation before sending invites out, if they do have severe space restrictions or have to stick to a strict head-count or something.

this.

I would just ask...it really could be an oversight.

 

[Laila619]

I think what happened is the bride made out all the invitations, and the groom (being a typical guy hehe) probably forgot to tell her that your SO and you are seriously dating. So it's probably simply a mistake.

Otherwise, it's pretty rude! But it really doesn't surprise me, sadly.

When my DH and I were engaged (ENGAGED!), he got invited to a wedding and I was not invited. I was really upset. I guess some people just don't care about etiquette though. What can you do?!

 

[monarch64]

I think what happened is the bride made out all the invitations, and the groom (being a typical guy hehe) probably forgot to tell her that your SO and you are seriously dating. So it's probably simply a mistake.

Otherwise, it's pretty rude! But it really doesn't surprise me, sadly.

When my DH and I were engaged (ENGAGED!), he got invited to a wedding and I was not invited. I was really upset. I guess some people just don't care about etiquette though. What can you do?!

?!?! Seriously?! What did you do? Did you ever say anything? I want to hear this story!

 

[Laila619]

I think what happened is the bride made out all the invitations, and the groom (being a typical guy hehe) probably forgot to tell her that your SO and you are seriously dating. So it's probably simply a mistake.

Otherwise, it's pretty rude! But it really doesn't surprise me, sadly.

When my DH and I were engaged (ENGAGED!), he got invited to a wedding and I was not invited. I was really upset. I guess some people just don't care about etiquette though. What can you do?!

?!?! Seriously?! What did you do? Did you ever say anything? I want to hear this story!

Monarch, my DH wasn't all that close with the bride and groom, so he didn't go to the wedding anyway. He and I both assumed that they just must not have heard we got engaged. Still, it was really odd! It definitely wasn't a budget thing for them, because they were inviting anyone and everyone they could possibly think of. Ah well.

 

[MissStepcut]

Hi MissP,

I think that strictly speaking it's not *rude*. It's common practice not to invite a spouse when you are trying to limit numbers. I would also say that 100 people is not a large wedding, I think it's actually on the small side when you consider family and extended family.

However, I would definitely say it's not gracious, and definitely not kind either. I was with my husband 15+ years before we were married. There were 1 or 2 weddings that I was not invited to. I didn't ask to be invited, as I think it puts both the couple and the person who is excluded in an awkward position.

I do believe in the +1 rule, because I always imagine what a terrible time I would have sitting at a table, not knowing anyone. I'm shy and that would be awful. Therefore, I had +1 letting my friends know that a friend of the same-sex or opposite sex would be welcome. For me, it was about my friend's having a good time. One of my friends brought her sister, and another one of my friends bought her best friend.

Where is this common practice?! It's definitely against etiquette in the U.S. ...

 

[amc80]

Hi MissP,

I think that strictly speaking it's not *rude*. It's common practice not to invite a spouse when you are trying to limit numbers.

Where is this common practice?! It's definitely against etiquette in the U.S. ...

Definitely rude and against etiquette to not invite a spouse or fiance. The gray area comes in when couples live together or have been together for a considerable amount of time. I also think it's rude (regardless of what etiquette says) to not allow people who have to travel to bring a guest.

 

[maebelle]

Of the 10 or so weddings I've been to in the last 3 years, most people included partners dating for a year AND an automatic +1 for people in the wedding party, whether they were dating anyone at the time or not.

 

[ihy138]

My fiance and I were just talking about this yesterday. Several of his potential groomsmen (the wedding is still a ways out and he hasn't asked them yet) are unattached and probably will be come our wedding. We agreed to give them +1's just because we would appreciate their participation and support over the years. I just think it's polite to do so. And we are limiting our numbers. This is a very odd situation! I'm glad I read your post because it makes you think about what it's like to be on the other side of the invitation list. Sorry this happened!

 

[allycat0303]

MissStepCut/Amc80: SORRY TYPO!!! If you read the rest of my post you would have understood that I meant " significant other" and not spouse. As I said, I was a SO for 15 years. Much longer then I have been married, and was not invited to weddings. It would be rude not to invite the person's wife/ fiancé. My mistake. I didn't re-read the post. I'm saying it's neither gracious nor kind. But leaving a SO can not strictly be called *bad manners*

Incidentally I'm from Quebec where common-law is probably 50% of the couples here. So in Quebec, not inviting a SO would be leaving half of the wedding guests at home. Most of the time, people in Quebec pick and choose, indicating the name of the person and the significant other specifically on the invitation. I'm attending a wedding in May where the BM has been with her boyfriend for 1 year. He is not invited to the wedding. The wedding is going to be tight on budget, and no one has interpreted his exclusion as rude (even the BM).

 

[amc80]

MissStepCut/Amc80: SORRY TYPO!!! If you read the rest of my post you would have understood that I meant " significant other" and not spouse. As I said, I was a SO for 15 years. Much longer then I have been married, and was not invited to weddings. It would be rude not to invite the person's wife/ fiancé. My mistake. I didn't re-read the post. I'm saying it's neither gracious nor kind. But leaving a SO can not strictly be called *bad manners*

That makes sense! I also believe that it isn't wrong to not invite SOs (hmm, that's a lot of negatives, hopefully you can get what I meant).

 

[allycat0303]

Amc80:

With the new Miss Peggy's statement about how you should invite people who are *firmly attached*, I think that's really confusing. When you are REALLY trying to limit the guest list how do you define *firmly attached?* Is it 6 months? 1 year? 3 months? It's completely arbitrary and the bride will end up offending SOMEONE. Even if she follows the *firmly attached* rule, the bride decides on what her definition of it! So I could see married/engaged/living with person as an absolute necessity. Everything else is the bride's choice, even with the new extended etiquette inclusion.

Incidentally, I was invited to a wedding where my husband was the groomsmen, and the bride sat me and another SO of a grooms-man in the KITCHEN!!!!! There was an opening for the waiters to squeeze through, and my chair was through the doorway. I was sitting in the KITCHEN of a reception hall. The waiter asked me to dance!!! Compounded to the insult, was that at my wedding (before her wedding) The bride rode in the LIMO with the grooms-man and was in pre-wedding pictures, because I didn't want her to feel excluded. The other SO was so angry that she took half the money out of her wedding envelope and LEFT.

 

[amc80]

Amc80:

With the new Miss Peggy's statement about how you should invite people who are *firmly attached*, I think that's really confusing. When you are REALLY trying to limit the guest list how do you define *firmly attached?* Is it 6 months? 1 year? 3 months? It's completely arbitrary and the bride will end up offending SOMEONE. Even if she follows the *firmly attached* rule, the bride decides on what her definition of it! So I could see married/engaged/living with person as an absolute necessity. Everything else is the bride's choice, even with the new extended etiquette inclusion.

Too me, firmly attached = ring on finger. I'm sure others won't agree with me, but unless the couple has committed themselves to each other in terms of marriage, I don't think I have to consider them "firmly attached."

Having said that, it sucks going to weddings alone. I would rather cut something else than have to cut head count.

 

[Laila619]

Amc80:

With the new Miss Peggy's statement about how you should invite people who are *firmly attached*, I think that's really confusing. When you are REALLY trying to limit the guest list how do you define *firmly attached?* Is it 6 months? 1 year? 3 months? It's completely arbitrary and the bride will end up offending SOMEONE. Even if she follows the *firmly attached* rule, the bride decides on what her definition of it! So I could see married/engaged/living with person as an absolute necessity. Everything else is the bride's choice, even with the new extended etiquette inclusion.

Too me, firmly attached = ring on finger. I'm sure others won't agree with me, but unless the couple has committed themselves to each other in terms of marriage, I don't think I have to consider them "firmly attached."

Having said that, it sucks going to weddings alone. I would rather cut something else than have to cut head count.

Me too. I think people have more fun and are more comfortable when they are allowed to bring a date. For that reason, when DH and I were figuring out our wedding invites, we decided we really wanted to have people bring dates.

 

[missy]

It's rude not to invite a "significant" other. Especially one who is in the wedding party. But of course it is the prerogative of the bride and groom as to whom they want to invite. Just as it is your prerogative to attend or not attend.

Even though it is their wedding day as a host/hostess one of your goals should be that your guests enjoy themselves. IMO.