Engagement without a wedding date...

[iheartbora]

Generally speaking, most of you have a wedding date in mind before getting engaged right? I realize every couple is different, but it seems like most people around me have some sort of ideal wedding date in mind (ie. summer 2010) and sort of work backwards to define an engagement time frame (ie. need at least one year to plan, so engage by summer 2009). On top of that, when you announce your engagement, isn''t the #1 question "When is the big day?"...

So is it "weird" to be engaged but have no clue when you''ll be married? Or what if you just know it will be sometime in the next 1-3 years?

 

[ProseCuter]

I have the opposite (wedding date but no engagement). Not sure which is more "normal". I do think however that once you get engaged, you start trying to figure out a date, as isn''t the engagement period a time to plan the wedding? If you aren''t trying to plan it yet, what is the point of being engaged? Just my thoughts.

Seems like the first questions are:

When are you getting married?
How did he propose?
What does the ring look like?

 

[emeraldlover1]

Ok, we actually had our wedding date prior to getting engaged but it doesn''t really matter. The other thing I would say is that you do not need a year to plan a wedding but the more time you have the more pick of good vendors you have. I can safely say that I probably needed 6 months and could have planned the same wedding. I just can''t wait for it to get her now. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

 

[iheartbora]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:31:35 PM
Author: ProseCuter
I have the opposite (wedding date but no engagement). Not sure which is more ''normal''. I do think however that once you get engaged, you start trying to figure out a date, as isn''t the engagement period a time to plan the wedding? If you aren''t trying to plan it yet, what is the point of being engaged? Just my thoughts.


Seems like the first questions are:


When are you getting married?

How did he propose?

What does the ring look like?

Oh no, I''m not engaged yet!! BUT... I know it''s coming this year (we''re half way into the ring process

). Having said that, neither of us know when we will actually get married due to various moving parts with our career/personal goals.

As for your comment "If you aren''t trying to plan it yet, what is the point of being engaged?"... that is totally what I''m getting from my friends... hence I''m thinking "Am I weird for loving the idea of being engaged but not know when is the wedding date"!!

 

[HopeDream]

Iheartbora I don''t think you''re weird for wanting to get engaged with no wedding date in mind.

I also want to get engaged, but have no idea when I''d actualy wed.

I think it''s just nice to go from having a boyfriend to having a fiance. Engagement is a relationship milestone in it''s own right.

I don''t know why there seems to be a rush on starting to plan a wedding as soon as one gets engaged - especialy because weddings cost so much - I will need time to save up !

Maybe there''s a rush because some folks are waiting to get married before they live together?
(Definitely not me! - try before you buy ladies!)

Engagement can be a great way to feel committed to one another if you and your fiance will separated due to grad school or whatnot.

Cheers!

HD

 

[ProseCuter]

I guess there are 2 different lines of thought on engagement (at least!). One being that once you are engaged, you are planning the wedding and making definite arrangements. The second with the thought that you have solidified your commitment to each other into something permanent, with plans to come later. As long as both of you is on the same page, I guess it really doesn''t matter which way you''re thinking, but I do think once people hear you are "engaged", certain questions naturally will follow.

 

[Callisto]

I agree that every couple is different. My cousin, for example, had already put her deposit on the location before getting engaged. Obviously and extreme example but I know I won''t be anything like that. Especially since I''m pretty young, I''m content to get engaged and have only a vague idea of when the wedding would be. My SO asked that if we got engaged earlier we would have a distinct engagement vs. wedding planning phase. Have some time to just enjoy being engaged and THEN start worrying about the wedding. Just do whatever works best for you and your SO don''t worry if its traditional or not.

 

[Haven]

Someone asked why rush into wedding plans once you are engaged, but I suppose I would ask:
Why rush to get engaged if you aren''t really ready to marry?

I think the biggest potential issue with being engaged without plans to actually marry is that you are putting yourself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time. Everyone is different, but I know that I would personally be uncomfortable in that situation.

 

[Octavia]

It took us a little while to settle on a date after we got engaged. We had a timeframe in mind, but I don''t think we set the actual date until about 6 months into our 22-month engagement. I don''t know that I''d have liked to be engaged with NO idea when the wedding would be, but you don''t have to have the wedding pre-planned and all your vendors on speed-dial for the day after he pops the question, either. I found that after a couple months of being engaged, I was REALLY ready to start making plans, so if you do get engaged without any timeframe, you might be surprised at how much it hits you once you have the ring on your finger -- there''s no way I could have stayed in wedding limbo longer than we did.

 

[Feralpenchant]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:25:54 PM
Author:iheartbora
Generally speaking, most of you have a wedding date in mind before getting engaged right? I realize every couple is different, but it seems like most people around me have some sort of ideal wedding date in mind (ie. summer 2010) and sort of work backwards to define an engagement time frame (ie. need at least one year to plan, so engage by summer 2009). On top of that, when you announce your engagement, isn''t the #1 question ''When is the big day?''...


So is it ''weird'' to be engaged but have no clue when you''ll be married? Or what if you just know it will be sometime in the next 1-3 years?

I will be getting engaged this month (don''t ask how I know LOL), and we have no wedding date set. Ideally, I''d like for it to be Summer 2011. I haven''t talked to him much about it yet. We both know it will be within the next 2-3 years, it all depends on a couple of factors.

 

[iheartbora]

Date: 5/11/2009 10:13:52 PM
Author: Feralpenchant

Date: 5/11/2009 7:25:54 PM

Author:iheartbora

Generally speaking, most of you have a wedding date in mind before getting engaged right? I realize every couple is different, but it seems like most people around me have some sort of ideal wedding date in mind (ie. summer 2010) and sort of work backwards to define an engagement time frame (ie. need at least one year to plan, so engage by summer 2009). On top of that, when you announce your engagement, isn''t the #1 question ''When is the big day?''...



So is it ''weird'' to be engaged but have no clue when you''ll be married? Or what if you just know it will be sometime in the next 1-3 years?

I will be getting engaged this month (don''t ask how I know LOL), and we have no wedding date set. Ideally, I''d like for it to be Summer 2011. I haven''t talked to him much about it yet. We both know it will be within the next 2-3 years, it all depends on a couple of factors.

Sounds like me! I''m kind of glad to know I''m not the only one! Honestly, my friend made me feel like I came from another planet for not "knowing"

 

[iheartbora]

Date: 5/11/2009 9:21:01 PM
Author: Octavia
It took us a little while to settle on a date after we got engaged. We had a timeframe in mind, but I don''t think we set the actual date until about 6 months into our 22-month engagement. I don''t know that I''d have liked to be engaged with NO idea when the wedding would be, but you don''t have to have the wedding pre-planned and all your vendors on speed-dial for the day after he pops the question, either. I found that after a couple months of being engaged, I was REALLY ready to start making plans, so if you do get engaged without any timeframe, you might be surprised at how much it hits you once you have the ring on your finger -- there''s no way I could have stayed in wedding limbo longer than we did.

How did you guys deal with it during that 6-month period?

I don''t think I can be in wedding limbo for too long either, hopefully nothing more than two years? I don''t know a lot of people that recommend long engagements, most go against it?

 

[havernell]

Your wedding date may get somewhat dictated for you depending on the availability of the ceremony and reception venues you want to book. So, in that sense, I don''t think anyone CAN know their wedding date for sure until you''ve signed the venue contracts.

We got engaged without knowing when we''d get married. We figured it would likely be sometime in 2009, but the exact month really came down to what made sense in terms of venue and hotel availability and vendor prices (which vary a bit by season) in the town in which we wanted to get married.

In some respects, I think you are wise to not have your heart set on a particular month/day for your wedding because being flexible can save you a lot of money when wedding planning! However, like others have said, I don''t think you should go super long being engaged without making any decisions on the wedding. But like Otavia, it''s often nice to just enjoy being engaged for a while before the craziness of plannig starts. And if people ask "Have you set a date yet?" all you have to say is "We''re working on it". Simple as that!

 

[somegirl932]

We''ve had an idea for a wedding date, but it''s pretty far off. It''s just the first time that makes sense after grad school getting finished.

We got engaged already anyway because we wanted to share it with my friends before they graduated, and honestly didn''t see any reason to wait longer.

There have been a couple people who seem to think it''s a little strange that we''re already engaged but not getting married for 2.5 years. That said, it is nice to at least have a date to keep in mind.

 

[trillionaire]

Um, I would assume that the normal order of operations would be to get engaged, then figure out a wedding date. That seems totally normal to me. I would think that having a wedding date before and engagement was far stranger, but that''s just my opinion.

 

[4ever]

I won''t have a wedding date set when I get engaged, or probably for somtime after.

It''s not that I''m not ready, I just don''t see why I need to rush it.

...........that and I still have no idea which country we will be living in by this time next year, which could make the wedding planning a bit pointless.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:30:15 PM
Author: Haven
Someone asked why rush into wedding plans once you are engaged, but I suppose I would ask:

Why rush to get engaged if you aren''t really ready to marry?


I think the biggest potential issue with being engaged without plans to actually marry is that you are putting yourself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time. Everyone is different, but I know that I would personally be uncomfortable in that situation.

This is exactly how I feel too. For me, when I got engaged, I wanted to set our wedding date and that was the purpose of getting engaged for me (we were together 8 years when we got engaged). As others have said though, each couple is different so do what you suits you best.

 

[jcarlylew]

exactly - what suits you best!
I have a date in mind becuase i am always thinking about how much things are going to cost, and which flowers are in season. And becuase i am a princess and have thought about this day forever. i really want 5/5/10, but that might not happen.
With that said, i am respecting E''s wishes by not planing a single thing until after we get engaged, and i am thinking to at least (as long as i can) wait a full month before i start planning. that is my biggest fault, to not enjoy what is happening right now. Of course... i still mark down any ideas that i get!

 

[suchende]

Date: 5/12/2009 7:40:49 AM
Author: jcarlylew
exactly - what suits you best!
I have a date in mind becuase i am always thinking about how much things are going to cost, and which flowers are in season. And becuase i am a princess and have thought about this day forever. i really want 5/5/10, but that might not happen.
With that said, i am respecting E''s wishes by not planing a single thing until after we get engaged, and i am thinking to at least (as long as i can) wait a full month before i start planning. that is my biggest fault, to not enjoy what is happening right now. Of course... i still mark down any ideas that i get!

ME TOO.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:30:15 PM
Author: Haven
Someone asked why rush into wedding plans once you are engaged, but I suppose I would ask:
Why rush to get engaged if you aren''t really ready to marry?

I think the biggest potential issue with being engaged without plans to actually marry is that you are putting yourself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time. Everyone is different, but I know that I would personally be uncomfortable in that situation.

I respectfully disagree with this comment... my partner and i are engaged and planning to marry next year, but that wasn''t always the plan, we had decided not to marry for 2 to 3 years after becoming engaged. And to answer your question of why rush to get engaged if you aren''t really ready to get married... well, i was uncomfortable living with my man with no official plans for our future, as in being engaged... by living there and not being engaged i felt that i had put myself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 5/11/2009 8:30:15 PM
Author: Haven
Someone asked why rush into wedding plans once you are engaged, but I suppose I would ask:
Why rush to get engaged if you aren't really ready to marry?

I think the biggest potential issue with being engaged without plans to actually marry is that you are putting yourself in limbo for an indefinite amount of time. Everyone is different, but I know that I would personally be uncomfortable in that situation.

Ditto Haven.

For us it was very much like this, we'd get engaged when we got engaged. And then decide on a wedding date. We knew we wanted it to be some time in the fall or winter, but nothing beyond that--no specific years or anything.

I think it's ok to get engaged and have no idea when you're getting married--we didn't, and it took a while to set a date, BUT I think it's weird to get engaged and not to start planning and at least looking for a date for a really long period of time. By getting engaged it's supposed to be the next step before getting married, right? Not really a second dating period...

Getting engaged and deciding to get married in 1-3 years isn't really a huge deal, so long as you have an goal in mind of when you want to do it. Then you have plenty of time to plan...But then I think it would be hard to get into wedding planning if you have too long to worry about it.

I think I'm rambling and not making any sense...

 

[White Orchid]

I think it''s bad luck to set a date or do any kind of wedding planning if you aren''t engaged. I even refused to try on my wedding ring before the wedding. (Funny, I''ve never really thought of myself as superstitious before now...)

The way I''ve always understood it, getting engaged means deciding to get married, whether that be in 6 months, a year or 10. After we got engaged the big question was "when''s the big day?" and until we knew we just told them the truth - we haven''t decided yet.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:25:54 PM
Author:iheartbora
Generally speaking, most of you have a wedding date in mind before getting engaged right? I realize every couple is different, but it seems like most people around me have some sort of ideal wedding date in mind (ie. summer 2010) and sort of work backwards to define an engagement time frame (ie. need at least one year to plan, so engage by summer 2009). On top of that, when you announce your engagement, isn't the #1 question 'When is the big day?'...

So is it 'weird' to be engaged but have no clue when you'll be married? Or what if you just know it will be sometime in the next 1-3 years?

No.........

Okay, here's my take. I personally don't like the idea of first deciding when you want to be married, then "working backward" as you say. Maybe because I've personally had bad experiences with it... ie. known couples who rushed into engagement/marriage because their nebulous idea of an "ideal wedding date" was fast approaching. To me, getting engaged is about feeling ready, not meeting a deadline.

If you were to ask me what I think is completely "normal," I would say that getting engaged when you are ready to be married is "normal." To me, getting engaged means "I am ready to marry you, and would tomorrow if plans allowed." So the wedding would basically occur at the soonest convenient opportunity.

HOWEVER, everyone is obviously different. To some people, getting engaged means "I want to marry you at some point in the future."


That may be slightly different than what you're asking, I'm not sure. To answer your question, we did not know our wedding date (or vague idea of wedding date) until ~4 weeks post-proposal. The engagement came when we were ready, and we figured out a good wedding date once we were engaged. That date also changed once we went to book our venue (almost 17 months ahead of time) and the date we wanted was already taken.

The number one question post-proposal may be "when's the big day" (although for us it was "how did he propose?"), but the number one answer to that question is "we don't know yet, maybe sometime next fall."

 

[tlh]

I knew I wanted to be married in April or May... a Spring wedding. My dh proposed in october... so I could have had my spring wedding in 6-7 months or 18-19 months... I felt that the one was too soon, and the other too far in the future... I wanted the typical engaged and married w/n a year time frame. So we looked at his schedule. We had an opening for May, August, or December (since he was in his MBA program). So basically his schooling completely decided the date. (One week for before the wedding wedding and another for the honeymoon.)
I did not nor have I EVER wanted to get married in August. To me, it is gross... the "dog days" of summer. Nothing beautiful or romantic about that.... but, I wanted to get married and have a marriage... the rest was just the details.

As far as the questions go... it was usually "how big is the ring" as the #1 question, and other questions about the proposal followed suit... usually the way most people asked was "have you decided on a date yet?" which was easily answered by "yes we''ve set the date for XX-XX-XXXX" or," no not yet." It usually didn''t involve that much prying... so I wouldn''t worry too much... things just have a way of working themselves out.

 

[iheartbora]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:15:49 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/11/2009 7:25:54 PM

Author:iheartbora

Generally speaking, most of you have a wedding date in mind before getting engaged right? I realize every couple is different, but it seems like most people around me have some sort of ideal wedding date in mind (ie. summer 2010) and sort of work backwards to define an engagement time frame (ie. need at least one year to plan, so engage by summer 2009). On top of that, when you announce your engagement, isn''t the #1 question ''When is the big day?''...


So is it ''weird'' to be engaged but have no clue when you''ll be married? Or what if you just know it will be sometime in the next 1-3 years?

No.........


Okay, here''s my take. I personally don''t like the idea of first deciding when you want to be married, then ''working backward'' as you say. Maybe because I''ve personally had bad experiences with it... ie. known couples who rushed into engagement/marriage because their nebulous idea of an ''ideal wedding date'' was fast approaching. To me, getting engaged is about feeling ready, not meeting a deadline.


If you were to ask me what I think is completely ''normal,'' I would say that getting engaged when you are ready to be married is ''normal.'' To me, getting engaged means ''I am ready to marry you, and would tomorrow if plans allowed.'' So the wedding would basically occur at the soonest convenient opportunity.


HOWEVER, everyone is obviously different. To some people, getting engaged means ''I want to marry you at some point in the future.''



That may be slightly different than what you''re asking, I''m not sure. To answer your question, we did not know our wedding date (or vague idea of wedding date) until ~4 weeks post-proposal. The engagement came when we were ready, and we figured out a good wedding date once we were engaged. That date also changed once we went to book our venue (almost 17 months ahead of time) and the date we wanted was already taken.


The number one question post-proposal may be ''when''s the big day'' (although for us it was ''how did he propose?''), but the number one answer to that question is ''we don''t know yet, maybe sometime next fall.''

This is inline with what I have in mind as well... get engaged when I am ready to be married. But the "ready" that I''m referring to is more towards emotionally ready. Just like some of the LIW, there are a lot of outside factors (be it money, schedules, etc) that play a role in deciding the wedding date... so until we know when we are "physically ready", I find it hard to decide on the big day.

And yes, the #1 question should be the ring and proposal, especially on PS

 

[CNOS128]

We didn''t have a date set before we were engaged, but we started planning the wedding as soon as possible afterward. We both felt that we didn''t want to be engaged until we were ready to be married (and if he''d had his way we would have been married within a couple weeks).

People did ask us "When''s the big day?" before we''d set the date, but we just told them we didn''t know (although we knew it would be after the school year ended). I think if we''d told them "Oh, sometime in the next 3 years," they would have thought that odd -- but who cares what everyone else thinks and does?

 

[iheartbora]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:32:11 PM
Author: tlh
I knew I wanted to be married in April or May... a Spring wedding. My dh proposed in october... so I could have had my spring wedding in 6-7 months or 18-19 months... I felt that the one was too soon, and the other too far in the future... I wanted the typical engaged and married w/n a year time frame. So we looked at his schedule. We had an opening for May, August, or December (since he was in his MBA program). So basically his schooling completely decided the date. (One week for before the wedding wedding and another for the honeymoon.)

I did not nor have I EVER wanted to get married in August. To me, it is gross... the ''dog days'' of summer. Nothing beautiful or romantic about that.... but, I wanted to get married and have a marriage... the rest was just the details.


As far as the questions go... it was usually ''how big is the ring'' as the #1 question, and other questions about the proposal followed suit... usually the way most people asked was ''have you decided on a date yet?'' which was easily answered by ''yes we''ve set the date for XX-XX-XXXX'' or,'' no not yet.'' It usually didn''t involve that much prying... so I wouldn''t worry too much... things just have a way of working themselves out.

I''m a bit worried because when I told some of my friends we are in the process of ring shopping, the usual reaction after all the ring details was "the date" (not really the exact date, but more like a general idea of summer 20xx)... and when I got rolling eyes with "huh, you don''t even know what year?", I felt almost obligated to have to explain why we can''t set a date range yet... and it sort of adds a "negative tone" to the whole (suppositively very exciting) conversation

 

[princessplease]

We picked a wedding date after we got engaged. However, we had no clue when we wanted the wedding to be. We knew we wanted off season on a Friday night to save some cash, but we''re seriously starting to reconsider the date and moving it to August. We need to check on prices, but neither of us like fall. We thought October would save some $$, but it''s still "season" so the difference may be none.

 

[havernell]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:06:55 PM
Author: iheartbora

I'm a bit worried because when I told some of my friends we are in the process of ring shopping, the usual reaction after all the ring details was 'the date' (not really the exact date, but more like a general idea of summer 20xx)... and when I got rolling eyes with 'huh, you don't even know what year?', I felt almost obligated to have to explain why we can't set a date range yet... and it sort of adds a 'negative tone' to the whole (suppositively very exciting) conversation

I personally think it's strange that your friends were asking about a wedding date before you were even engaged. Good lord! Maybe you should respond by asking "What date do you intent to get a life?"

I think peole ask "what's the date" after you get engaed not because they care, but because they don't know what else to say and it's seems like something they can say to just fill the void. Therefore, I wouldn't let yourself get upset over what is essentially other people's attempt at small talk.

And if they roll their eyes, that's just plain rude, so I wouldn't even egage it. What do you have to prove to these people? You can make the conversation not turn to negative by just saying in an upbeat tone "We'll start wedding planning once we are actually engaged as there are a lot of factors to consider." There's no shame in that since it's TRUE.

Often people who haven't planned a wedding themselves don't understand that it's a lot harder than it seems to get all the variables (venues, vendors, costs, family needs, personal schedules, etc...) aligned to pick a wedding date. So, bottom line, don't feel shamed by people who have no idea what they are even talking about.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:06:55 PM
Author: iheartbora


I''m a bit worried because when I told some of my friends we are in the process of ring shopping, the usual reaction after all the ring details was ''the date'' (not really the exact date, but more like a general idea of summer 20xx)... and when I got rolling eyes with ''huh, you don''t even know what year?'', I felt almost obligated to have to explain why we can''t set a date range yet... and it sort of adds a ''negative tone'' to the whole (suppositively very exciting) conversation

that is when I just shrug and repeat myself. People will think what they will think... when I get people that want to run me through the ringer, I put my stupid hat on.. it is funny to see how FRUSTRATED that can make other people.. and it just makes me chuckle a little on the inside.