Emotionally abusive husband??

[D2B]

You need to pack your bags and leave NOW. by staying you are telling him that his behaviour is acceptable.

You can tell him that once he has therapy and you see a committed and long term change you will go back to him again (IF you want to that is), but you must leave him , for your saftey, and for him. He will never get the message that this in not OK if you stay with him. You need to protect yourself and give him the wakeup call that you will not be treated like this.

good luck
pb

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Date: 9/15/2008 5:16:02 PM
Author: blingalicious
Thanks Skippy. Yes, I have brought up counseling to him numerous times. He is not interested. He said if he felt there was a reason to go to therapy, he would, but he sees no reason to go. He also says that if he went, they would think he was crazy and probably lock him up. I think its just a cop out from him. I even brought it up again just last night--same response as always.

This is so significant. He knows that therapy is important to you, but makes it clear that that is not enough of a reason to go.

Part of marriage is supporting each other through difficult patches. However, the person must be willing to work through it. Your husband is not. Everything is fine and dandy to him, no matter the cost to you.

I think you should sit down and work out all your options in your situation: staying and putting up with it, staying and trying to force him to change, leaving him as leverage for change, leaving for real, etc. Look at the consequences of each, both pro and con. Decide what would trigger each course of action.

For example, if you decide that physical abuse is a trigger for leaving forever, write it down and make a commitment to it. If he ever crosses one of the lines you''ve drawn, do what you''ve decided should be done. This is a technique to avoid being dragged down by escalating circumstances. So many people find excuses when lines are crossed, leading to greater abuse and the person putting up with more and more.

A second point is to maintain your lifeline, whether friends or family. Don''t lose contact, don''t be embarassed to ask for help, don''t isolate yourself.

You''ve received a lot of excellent advice. I hope things improve for you! Hugs and remember that the boards are here for you.

 

[cmarie]

I''m so sorry for what you''re going through!

Lots of people here at PS are thinking of you and supporting you.

 

[ahappygirl]

I just wanted to echo other posters - huge kudos for your OP. You are smart and brave and I am so glad you posted. You''ve gotten some great advice, hope you take it. And you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs outgoing.

 

[Erin]

This reminds me of the way my Grandfather treated my Grandmother. My Grandfather''s Dad committed suicide when he was a toddler and I''m sure he carried a lot of guilt, shame, and low self esteem as a result. His whole marriage he belittled my Grandmother, criticized, sealed himself off emotionally from her. My Grandmother spoke of it once after his passing. She said he never in his whole life felt he deserved how well I treated him, which made it even more unbearable for him - even though being treated well was exactly what he needed. He would have been a good candidate for antidepressants. Sometimes when awful things happen to you at such a young age, it forms who you are and makes it close to impossible to rewire.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I just wanted to tell you that you''re in my thoughts.

 

[AGBF]

Hi, blingalicious. There's no doubt your husband is emotionally abusive, so I think we can take the two question marks off the title of this thread. It speaks volumes that you weren't sure that he was being abusive when the intensity of his abuse was so obvous to every reader of this thread. It was painful to read about how hard you tried to please him and win his love and approval only to be meet with coldness that he never explained.

I have lived through that, too. I know how terrible it feels. You need help in getting through this. I agree with everyone who recommended expediting therapy. I also suggest that you can add Al-Anon meetings to the list of supports open to you; your husband does not need to be a drinker in order for you to avail yourself of these meetings. If you attend them, you will find support from the women there.

You have gotten a lot of great advice. Whether you want to take it all, whether you should take it all, is not for anyone here to say. All anyone here can do is to share his experiences and ideas and put them out there. You have to wade though them and find what is right for you.

I think that going through financial data is very important. I do not know who handles the finances in your family, but you should be aware of where your money and your husband's money is and how much there is of it, so that it is not easy to hide if you suddenly find yourselves divorcing. Make sure that if you have cars that your car is not in his name. Get your personal documents and any bank account information; jewelry; and some clothing and medications out of your shared home and into the home of someone else whose home your husband cannot easily enter.

Although you are taking these precautions, they are only precautions, however. They are not to be used in lieu of calling the police. You must do that if he becomes violent, regardless of how much it goes against the grain! If he becomes violent, you must call the police; they will leave you in the marital home and remove him! (I found this the hardest thing to do...but it was the most effective!)

I agree with many of the other posters that it looks as if you have a long row to hoe in this marriage. Your husband sounds deeply disturbed. It is your choice, however. I stayed in my marriage, despite the advice of many people that I leave. I kept saying that I was working on my marriage in the hopes of improving it, that if I ever stopped, then that would be a different matter. Whatever you choose, I wish you luck...and I know that all the other posters here do, too!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[VRBeauty]

Blingie: I''ve been thinking of you since last night. You said you used a new screen name because of your husband. Is there any chance that he might be checking on your posts, maybe while he''s at work? Is there a chance that he might see the words "emotionally abusive husband" and decide that he should check out that thread, just in case? If so, you might ask the admins to change the title of this thread. Maybe to something like "I love to iron 2"

. Just kidding on the new title, but I''d hate for you to lose this refuge, or for your request for input (or our responses) to make things worse for you at home.

*** hugs*** and best wishes!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yup, he is emotionally abusive. You have gooten great advice here so far, but I wanted to add some things.

Therapy will not help this man. First, I am a great proponent of therapy for people who truly want to change and who have issues that are isolated and easily identifiable. Your husband doesn't want to go to therapy, and I suspect that your husband's issues are much deeper rooted and pervasive than any therapy can help in a short period of time. Holding out hope that therapy will help him will just waste your time and energy. Get therapy yourself, but don't count on him doing it. His response to you suggestion is all the information you need to shut down that dream.

I was with a man very similar to your husband for 2.5 years before meeting my DH 4 years ago. He was sweet as pie when we were in public, and in his good cycles he was wonderful, but after about 6-10 months together the slow increase in controlling and manipulative behavior began. His centered around convincing me that I was not attractive, and he was incredibly manipulative around sex and his emotions etc. Silent treatments were his best friend. The slow rise in his abusive and manipulative behavior was so slow that I adjusted to it over time, and I constantly made excuses for him: he is just scared of commitment

, he is stressed at work

, he is blah blah blah

. Such generous attributions are healthy for a relationship with a healthy partner, but they are poison with an abuser. One day it got to be too much and I left. It was tough, but I am better without him. He was a narcissistic dirt bag, to be perfectly honest: ridiculously charming, everyone loved him, yet treated me like an object to be controled and manipulated with his emotional blackmail, I wasn't his partner at all. I see eerie similarities with your husband and all I can say is leave him now, while you still have enough self-respect and self-worth to stand up for yourself. You are already showing the negative effects of his behavior--panic attacks!! My goodness that is your body telling you something! You are in a toxic environment. Stay another year and you will be too beat down by his behavior to contemplate leaving, and getting better will take so much longer.

Another friend of mine stayed with her narcissistic and verbally husband for 10 years. He also had bouts of silent treatment and when she would press him he would cry and say he is scum etc etc. About 8 months ago, she found out he gave her Chlamydia. Turned out every time he was having those silent treatment periods it was following another affair with some dirty hooker. I'm not kidding. She left after that, but had a son with him and I cannot tell you what a PITA her ex is being now that they are trying to negotiate the separation. Suddenly he is father of the year, while when they were together he was absentee at best.

I tell you these stories hoping that you will see some of your own experienced in them. My friend and I are both intelligent, attractive, strong, loving women, yet we got sucked into relationships with abusers--she when she was young, and me when I was in a vulnerable and somewhat lonely place in my life. It can and does happen to women from all walks of life. I really hope that either through your own therapy or by "working thorugh it" on this thread, you can find the clarity you need to get out and find a partner who is truly your equal.

I think in your heart of hearts you know exactly what you need to do. Listen to your inner voice and ignore your fears of being "alone" or living without him. You will get over him and move on. I promise you.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 9/16/2008 10:27:52 AM
Author: MINIMS
Blingie: I've been thinking of you since last night. You said you used a new screen name because of your husband. Is there any chance that he might be checking on your posts, maybe while he's at work? Is there a chance that he might see the words 'emotionally abusive husband' and decide that he should check out that thread, just in case? If so, you might ask the admins to change the title of this thread. Maybe to something like 'I love to iron 2'

. Just kidding on the new title, but I'd hate for you to lose this refuge, or for your request for input (or our responses) to make things worse for you at home.

*** hugs*** and best wishes!

MINIM, I think blingalicious did say that they are in a good cycle right now. If that is so, her husband would be unlikely to be searching all of Pricescope for threads.

Deb

 

[geckodani]

Hi Bling. I've skimmed the responses so far, and you've gotten some good advice. It took me a while to come in here, because I've been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship in my past, and it's kind of hard to talk about. That said, I think you need to hear it.

I loved him. I thought he would change. I thought it was my fault. He had me convinced that I was worth nothing, and that everything wrong in our relationship was my doing. He controlled me and my every emotion. He would go from hurting me to cuddling me in the space of minutes. He would ignore me, then turn around and shower me with apologies. It was like 2 different people. The loving boyfriend the world saw, and the emotionally and otherwise controlling man that he was in private. He was wonderful and attentive when we started dating, and then, well.... he changed.

The rest of the details aren't important right now. What is important is what I learned when I got out of the relationship. I had been emotionally shattered to the point that my self esteem was non-existant. And it took years, and a lot of love and support from friends and family to "fix" me.

Nothing that has happened in your relationship is your fault. You're married (I wasn't) and have made a commitment to this man, and I know that you want to work it out. You said, "I love him so much, and I know we can work through this stuff. He just has to be willing to meet me halfway."

You obviously care about him a great deal. And you obviously want to work it out. But does he? You mentioned that he has scoffed at the idea of counseling. Well, that's not meeting you halfway.

Talk to the therapist. Find a different one. Talk to SOMEONE in your life that has a better idea of what's going on in your world.

But Bling - you titled this thread Emotionally Abusive Husband. You know that the way he is treating you is not acceptable. And it needs to change. If he's willing to go to counseling, great, and I wish you the best of luck. But people like this rarely change.

If he's not, or if the behavior continiues - you need to leave. You need to get yourself out of this situation as fast as you can.

Emotional or any kind of abuse is not acceptable. And it can take a long, long time to recover from. My bruises healed quickly. The damage to my self esteem took a lot, lot longer, and some of it still remains.

I know that you love him, and he's your husband, and you want to fix it. But you might not be able to. And that's okay. The way he's treating you is not.

Please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone, a friend or family member that you trust. And please place yourself above all else.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 9/16/2008 10:46:35 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I tell you these stories hoping that you will see some of your own experienced in them. My friend and I are both intelligent, attractive, strong, loving women, yet we got sucked into relationships with abusers--she when she was young, and me when I was in a vulnerable and somewhat lonely place in my life. It can and does happen to women from all walks of life. I really hope that either through your own therapy or by ''working thorugh it'' on this thread, you can find the clarity you need to get out and find a partner who is truly your equal.

I think in your heart of hearts you know exactly what you need to do. Listen to your inner voice and ignore your fears of being ''alone'' or living without him. You will get over him and move on. I promise you.

Amen.

 

[dragonfly411]

Bling - I think you have gotten some amazing advice. I''m glad you work with most of the finances, this gives you a good head up on that one. I highly recommend leaving for a while. It will only be harder later. I am scared for you. Please update us when you can.

 

[dragonfly411]

Bling - I think you have gotten some amazing advice. I''m glad you work with most of the finances, this gives you a good head up on that one. I highly recommend leaving for a while. It will only be harder later. I am scared for you. Please update us when you can.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/16/2008 10:56:19 AM
Author: geckodani
Hi Bling. I've skimmed the responses so far, and you've gotten some good advice. It took me a while to come in here, because I've been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship in my past, and it's kind of hard to talk about. That said, I think you need to hear it.

I loved him. I thought he would change. I thought it was my fault. He had me convinced that I was worth nothing, and that everything wrong in our relationship was my doing. He controlled me and my every emotion. He would go from hurting me to cuddling me in the space of minutes. He would ignore me, then turn around and shower me with apologies. It was like 2 different people. The loving boyfriend the world saw, and the emotionally and otherwise controlling man that he was in private. He was wonderful and attentive when we started dating, and then, well.... he changed.

The rest of the details aren't important right now. What is important is what I learned when I got out of the relationship. I had been emotionally shattered to the point that my self esteem was non-existant. And it took years, and a lot of love and support from friends and family to 'fix' me.

Nothing that has happened in your relationship is your fault. You're married (I wasn't) and have made a commitment to this man, and I know that you want to work it out. You said, 'I love him so much, and I know we can work through this stuff. He just has to be willing to meet me halfway.'

You obviously care about him a great deal. And you obviously want to work it out. But does he? You mentioned that he has scoffed at the idea of counseling. Well, that's not meeting you halfway.

Talk to the therapist. Find a different one. Talk to SOMEONE in your life that has a better idea of what's going on in your world.

But Bling - you titled this thread Emotionally Abusive Husband. You know that the way he is treating you is not acceptable. And it needs to change. If he's willing to go to counseling, great, and I wish you the best of luck. But people like this rarely change.

If he's not, or if the behavior continiues - you need to leave. You need to get yourself out of this situation as fast as you can.

Emotional or any kind of abuse is not acceptable. And it can take a long, long time to recover from. My bruises healed quickly. The damage to my self esteem took a lot, lot longer, and some of it still remains.

I know that you love him, and he's your husband, and you want to fix it. But you might not be able to. And that's okay. The way he's treating you is not.

Please take care of yourself. Please talk to someone, a friend or family member that you trust. And please place yourself above all else.

((((HUGS)))) Dani! Your story sounds a lot like mine.

Bling, almost anyone who has been in an abusive relationship will tell you that the physical abuse is NOT the most damaging . . . the emotional and verbal abuse is much more painful. Like Dani said, bruises heal much more quickly than the damage to your self-esteem. Also, it probably bears mentioning that most abusers START with emotional/verbal abuse, and later escalate to physical abuse. Not every woman who is emotionally/verbally abused is physically abused, but EVERY woman who is physically abused is also emotionally/verbally abused.

Please check in soon!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 9/16/2008 10:58:35 AM
Author: geckodani

Date: 9/16/2008 10:46:35 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I tell you these stories hoping that you will see some of your own experienced in them. My friend and I are both intelligent, attractive, strong, loving women, yet we got sucked into relationships with abusers--she when she was young, and me when I was in a vulnerable and somewhat lonely place in my life. It can and does happen to women from all walks of life. I really hope that either through your own therapy or by ''working thorugh it'' on this thread, you can find the clarity you need to get out and find a partner who is truly your equal.

I think in your heart of hearts you know exactly what you need to do. Listen to your inner voice and ignore your fears of being ''alone'' or living without him. You will get over him and move on. I promise you.

Amen.

I third that advice.

I won''t get into the gory details right now as I''m at work but I was in a terrible abusive on & off relationship for over 2 years.

I am biased by my own personal experiences when I say this but: men like this do NOT get better. They get worse. It will escalate. The fact that you are having panic attacks is a huge red flag for me - you shouldn''t feel like that in a normal relationship. I was the same way and I STILL have leftover anxiety issues from the relationship that I am trying to resolve.

The problem with a situation like this is that you want to see their actions from a normal, rational person''s point of view. But you cannot reason with men like this. I always thought that if I did x or y, he''d change. Or if I showed him how much he hurt me, he''d see the light and change his ways (in fact, showing him vulnerability only made things worse). He wasn''t capable of change. He still quasi-stalks me even now-- and we haven''t spoken in a year. He sends me sad, then angry texts and even hacked into a friend''s Facebook to get to my profile. Just more proof that he will never change.

Leaving can be hard. And that in and of itself can be difficult to deal with. I felt so weak because I knew leaving was the right thing to do but I was having trouble following through. Finally one day, I was just done. And now, the only thing I regret is not having left him far sooner than I did.


Please, go to therapy on your own. Don''t even tell him about it. But see someone who specializes in relationships/marital issues. If nothing else, they will lend you an ear and will help you cope.

 

[sevens one]

Date: 9/16/2008 11:25:58 AM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I'm sorry sweetheart, I lived it. I was married 17 years and my ex was emotionally, mentally, verbally and at the end of our marriage physically abusive towards me. Here's what I know from my own experience, people like this will not change. Eight years later he is still pulling the emotional and verbally abusive towards me, and now I refuse to tolerate it. I should have left 15 years before I did. None of the abuse began until I was pregnant and we were married. In the end, he got desperate and I ended up going to the hospital.

DO NOT allow this to consume you. I'm sorry, but people like this CANNOT be helped. We went to counseling together and I spent two years after our divorce on anti depressants and seeing a therapist. He still to this day cannot understand why I don't fall to his feet.. oh maybe it was when he handed me the book, 'The Submissive Wife' and told me to read it.. I promptly told him what he could do with it.

My ex husband is a narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, pathilogical liar with OCD.

You deserve better- I know I did- you do NOT need to be in a marriage that is abusive. I get dozens of domestic violence calls EVERY DAY. Do I know what these men and women are going through? Yes, because I am a SURVIVOR of it.

Don't think you can 'fix' this, it is not a 'fixable' situation, I don't care what anyone says. It can be suppressed, but it will NOT go away. He will promise promise promise he'll change and it might seem better for a while but it will not go away.

I learned too late, I stayed for the wrong reasons. I desperately wanted a traditional family for my children at the sake of losing myself. I can't tell you how many times those last several months that I woke up on the couch with him sitting in the chair opposite me in his uniform with his gun in his lap.

It wasn't an easy road after 17 1/2 years, but it was necessary. I am a much stronger person and.. I am still here for my children.

I want you to LIVE. I want you to SUCCEED. I want you to be with a man who loves you and who wants to be your PARTNER, not your WARDEN. Choose LIVING.. don't stay because you think its what everyone thinks you should do. DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE.

Ok, those are Michelle's words of wisdom as a survivor of domestic violence.

LIVE!

Wow Michelle, that sent chills...
how old were your kids when you left? And did you
take them with you? (if you don't mind me asking)


Sorry to hijack

Bling- definite **hugs** for you.
I hate to read what is going on with you.
I hope you can find peace.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 9/16/2008 12:05:47 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 9/16/2008 11:45:44 AM
Author: sevens one

Wow Michelle, that sent chills...
how old were your kids when you left? And did you
take them with you? (if you don''t mind me asking)


Sorry to hijack

Bling- definite **hugs** for you.
I hate to read what is going on with you.
I hope you can find peace.

I finally moved in April 2001, after having asked several times for the divorce and after my ex forced to signed our divorce papers that he''d written up, I had been living with my ex and my kids the whole time and barracaded myself in my son''s bedroom at night. He harrassed me in the house for months on end. And, in the end refused to let me leave with our children. He figured they were the key he held to keeping me under his thumb. The abuse was not directed at them, only the females he was married to. He did similar things to his first ex wife. My children were then 15, 13, 11 and 10.

I spent months on end crying for my children. I even considered leaving Steve & San Diego to go back to be with my children and my ex laughed at me, he told me that if I could prove to him that I could show him my financial income was competent enough for him then he would consider taking me back on a trial basis... he was mean all the time. He still is.

I will never suggest for anyone, male or female to stay in an abusive relationship. Life is too precious and too short.

I BET YOUR WORDS WILL HELP SO MANY PEOPLE!THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR EXPERIANCES>

 

[julesbeth]

Holy tamole. I am really sorry to hear that you are not happy right now.

It seems like you are being pretty vocal with him - letting him know that he isn''t meeting your needs and he isn''t being supportive or loving. I think its great that you are meeting with a therapist, but its no good that you have to wait another month. I recommend this link. You can read counselor profiles and find someone in your area.

I def. think we can offer you all the advice in the world, but someone trained professionally will work wonders. Please know that we are here for you, and stay strong!

 

[aliciagirl]

This makes my heart break for you. i really can''t add on to the advice that has been given already. I really hope you find the strength and guidance you need with your therapist.

 

[2Artists]

Thinking of you and hoping that you are OK today.
Hugs

Mrs.2Artists

 

[blingalicious]

I am finally able to get back on here and catch up with all the replies. I am sitting here just bawling after reading some of your stories. I feel like I am watching a video of my own life when I read the words some of you have written. Today is going okay. But, it is the good cycle right now. That probably makes a huge difference. If it were a bad cycle right now, who knows what it would be like. I did call another therapist (got a recommendation from the original one I called) and they were able to get me in next Wednesday. That is much better than waiting until October. I am so anxious to meet with her. All of your advice here has been so valuable, and I am really humbled at how all of you are so helpful and supportive. It means so much to me. I feel like I have an outlet to talk to people through this board. Most of my friends know my husband really well, and I am a little afraid to talk with them for fear of it getting back to him. I really want to keep the waters calm until I see the therapist next week. I do have an escape plan though. I packed an emergency bag to use if needed, and I hid copies of all my important papers in my car. I have several little cubbies and nooks and crannies that I never use and my husband would never look in either. He isn''t a snoopy kind of person at all--he pretty much takes what I say at face value in this area. Doesn''t check my computer searches or anything. I don''t worry about him reading this post under my new name because he wouldn''t think to check. He''s not that bright. lol I do post under my regular name every day though, so if he happened to see my computer opened with my usual screen name and this topic next to my name, it would definitely set off some fireworks. Okay--just wanted to let you all know that I am ok. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened since I posted yesterday. Also wanted to update the new therapist appointment. Thanks for all the great posts and support. They are so helpful and supportive and I cannot thank you all enough.

ETA---San Diego, I am so proud of you. Your story just touches me and I want you to know that you are one of the strongest people I know. And Dani, thank you for sharing your story too. I can imagine its very painful to open those feelings up much less actually typing them out. I feel honored to have heard your story too. I am proud of both of you for getting out of these situations. It encourages me that it can be done.

 

[sevens one]

Bling,
I am following your thread.
I hope everything works out for you.
You are in my prayers.
My PS family has helped me through
some very dark days and I''m sure glad for that.
Hang on- ride the "good cycle". Let''s hope it stays
like that.

write down beforehand what you want to tell the therapist- (maybe even copy your original post)
so you are prepared.

 

[Sha]

Wow...I haven''t read all the responses here, but blingalicious....I really wanted to say that I feel for waht you''re going through. It must be tough having to go through this so soon after your wedding too..

I definitely think your husband is being emotionally abusive. He''s going out of his way to cause you emotional pain by criticizing you and withholding love & attention, and deliberately doing the opposite of what he KNOWS you want and need.

I don''t know if it was mentioned before, but I wonder if he''s vert angry on some level for the early loss of his parents (understandably so), and never really got a chance to grieve about it, and is choosing to take out his anger/rage/resentment on you? Kind of like a misplaced payback for the parents he never had...?

I don''t know....but whatever it is - he DEFINITELY needs help. If he''s not willing to accept help then it''s a problem. Emotional abuse is often the first step towards physical abuse. It escalates! Things will not get better.... they will get worse.

A lot of what you wrote reminded me a lot of my ex-husband, who was also emotionally abusive. He was emotionally/physically abused as a child (abusive father, abandoned by his mother) and still carried a lot of that anger around with him, along with low self-esteem. He had to criticize everything I did - little things like the way I dressed, the fact that I tripped over things sometimes, the way I did the laundry, how I cooked) etc etc. - until he had me doubting my self and my abilities (and I was always a very confident person). He would call me names and criticize my upbringing and my parents too. Funny thing is - just like your husband - he was always the most loving and charming person in public - but in private it was very different. I remember one time he was shouting at me in a public parking lot in town for doing something minor (I don''t remember what it was the time - but it definitely didnt'' warrant shouting at me and calling me names). We had parked up to go by a family friend to pick up something. We walked in silence into his office and it was like a transformation - he was the most charming person! Laughing and joking like he wasn''t shouting at me a minute ago. The classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When I told people what he was really like they wouldnt'' believe me. They would say, "No!! Not him! He''s so charming!"

Yeah, right.

I strongly feel that if we hadn''t divorced, he would have gone from being emotionally abusive to physically abusive - there were already signs. It was only a matter of time.

I''m glad that we didn''t have children too....because then we would be tied together forever. We divorced about 6 years ago and now I''m married to a wonderful man who''s loving, respectful, and considerate. You deserve the same.... I really hope things work out for you, whatever you decide. (((HUGS)))

 

[fieryred33143]

Bling

I read your responses and my heart aches for you. I feel like its a friend talking to me and while I would love to give advice that makes the situation better all I really feel like saying is get out now. I normally don''t advise that to someone I don''t know but if you were a friend of mine or a family member and you told me everything you have written here I would grab you by the hand, pack your things for you, fix a bed in my home, and have you stay with me. You can''t keep hoping for the good days and dreading the bad days.

I really do hope you can resolve everything.

 

[geckodani]

((HUGS))

 

[Miranda]

(((big hugs))) You''ve been given really great advice. I''ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

And ditto what sevens said about going to the therapy appointment prepared.

 

[Tuckins1]

Obviously I do not know either of you personally and all I know is what you just said. Based on that- What he''s doing to you is sick. I had an ex who was so emotionally abusive, just like your husband (but WAY worse/more severe) He is withholding affection and kindness from you in order to control your behavior. At least you are aware that this is going on. This is how it starts... It will get worse. Ever wonder why women stay in horrible abusive relationships when their husband beats the crap out of them on a daily basis? It doesn''t start out that way- It turns out that way over time. I''m not saying that your husband is going to start beating you, but it will escalate. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for YOU, no matter how you mop the floor, fold his shirts, or make a meatloaf. I think you are right to seek therapy for yourself, if only to preserve your own sanity! Seriously, if you really feel like he is abusive on purpose and he is not willing to get help to save the marriage, GET OUT!! Please don''t allow yourself to be abused and taken advantage of. Be smart and be strong. So sorry you are going through all of this!!! Please let us know how things turn out or if you need anymore advice, or just someone to talk to!! We are always here!!

 

[JSM]

Just wanted to let you know that I keep checking back to read your story. My thoughts and best wishes are with you, bling! Please take care of yourself.

 

[HollyS]

For the most part you have been given some good advice here; but professional advice/therapy is necessary if you are to get to the other side of this problem. From what you've said, I am drawing the conclusion that your husband is reacting with anger to you, because he feels that you will someday 'be gone' just like his parents/family. He is distancing himself from you on purpose, to protect himself emotionally. He knows he is being ugly, but he may not realize that his subconscious fear of being 'left' (for whatever reason, be it divorce or death, or other) is the motivation behind his behavior. That may sound convoluted and complicated (it is), and that's why professional help is very much needed.

He knows that these issues are deeply rooted in his past; he's afraid to open those wounds up again; which is why he has resisted therapy for himself or as a couple with you. But, without doing so, the two of you cannot move on from here with a whole and happy marriage.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this; my heart goes out to you.