Echidna
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2009
- Messages
- 723
Haven|1342749672|3236988 said:It's a difficult balance because I want to help my father if he is sick, but I have to protect myself and my growing family, too. He is very hurtful, and I constantly go back and forth thinking about whether I want him in my life. It always comes down to this belief (instinct?) I have that he cannot help himself. He really believes his lies. He really believes that whole situation happened with the A/C guy. It's hard for me to turn my back on him when I believe he's not doing these things on purpose. But maybe he's just that good, and I'm a sucker. Who knows?!
Haven, I've been sitting here reading tensely but I'd like to respond to the above. As an eldest/responsible/local/financially stable child, I have been dealing with some issues with my parents (nothing to the extent of yours, but some addictive behaviour and financial instability), who are the same age as your dad. Here are some thoughts:
1. I could NOT manage without the help of my siblings. One of them is here and one lives in NYC, but we are a team. Get your sisters involved in this- you do not have to do it alone. They may provide support to you instead of your dad, allow/encourage/help you to enforce strong boundaries, take some of the burden, manage your mum instead- all kinds of assistance. Let them help. It has brought us all closer together.
2. Someone on PS once posted an addiction/help-giving model where the first step is the acknowledgement. Unfortunately we cannot help anyone until they acknowledge they have a problem. My mantra now is, "I love you very much, and I'm worried about X. I'll be here for you if/when that concerns you too". Focus on where your dad is (denial!) rather than where you are at (diagnosis/treatment options).
3. Whether your dad's behaviour is deliberate or not, it will still have an impact on your growing family. I think you are incredibly wise to consider how much exposure you want to have, given Point 2. I say this particularly because he is willing to take loans out in your name. You are in NO WAY abandoning your dad; you are working within his present limitations (i.e., lack of desire to see a medical professional). I have a wonderful, understanding DH just like you, but my brother has asked me to stop doing certain things for our parent because he feels it will adversely impact my marriage. I was fairly confident that it wouldn't, but I have taken his advice because my baby family comes first.
Just some thoughts. Much dust and hugs for you.