Don''t even know where to begin.

[jaylex]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:22:40 PM
Author: megumic
This is a tough one.

One distinction I have a hard time with -- the Christian religions say 'no sex before marriage.' How is that the same as 'don't live together before marriage'?? If your mom would let him move into the guest room, how is that different? Because she's there to supervise so no sex happens?

I honestly think you and your FI should do what's right for you - not what's right for everyone else. This is YOUR marriage. If you don't take control and assert it right now, you're never going to have it.

Hi everybody.. Sorry I haven't been posting. The past few days have been a whirlwind.
I have a hard time with this distinction too.

And as ticked off as a I with my mom and my youth pastor... this is what Jason and I have decided.
We are getting married this coming friday.
And after doing some "soul searching" and talking with my fiance, I have decided that this is absolutely what I want.
I cannot wait to marry my best friend! It may seem strange, but the closer I get to this friday, the more excited I am about it which is really strange to me as I always pictured myself turning into a nervous wreck the week before.
But I cannot wait to say our vows in private and sign our marriage license just the two of us.
I think that my anger and frustration with the religious establishment was getting in my way of looking at this from a level-headed perspective. I have always tried to be more of the "i don't care what you think" type... but I realized that what i though my mother or youth pastor was going to think ("they are getting married b/c we told them to. Ha! We win") was dominating my thinking and making me so angry... I was going against myself and the way i have always been.

I love this man. My commitment to him was "officially" announced when we announced our engagement. There is not a part of me that is not ready to be married to him.
And yes, we will be legally married. But we can still have the wedding celebration we want a year from now, even if we are married.
Friday night, we are going to say our vows and then go to dinner with my MOH and his best man.. then hang out at a hotel and take it from there.

This event has also taught me that no matter what I do, I will simply never, ever please everybody and that's ok with me. All I care about (like I said before) is that my fiance (almost hubby!) and I are happy and healthy... and together!
And everyone else in our lives can support us, shut up and get with the program, choose to ignore us, or choose to gossip about us and our choices. But I refuse to let it bother me any more!
One week!

 

[lilyfoot]

Good luck, jaylex.

 

[Prana]

I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.

My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of ''wear off'' (for lack of a better term, here). Don''t be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I''m not trying to be negative, and I haven''t slept in >24 hours, so this isn''t going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the ''wedding'' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen''s night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.

I''m not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I''m out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the ''excitement'' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.

I don''t know if that makes any sense.

 

[shertz1981]

It sounds like a rough situation, Jaylex

But whatever decision you make will be the right one, because it will be the best one for you.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM
Author: girlface
I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.


My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of ''wear off'' (for lack of a better term, here). Don''t be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I''m not trying to be negative, and I haven''t slept in >24 hours, so this isn''t going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the ''wedding'' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen''s night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.


I''m not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I''m out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the ''excitement'' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.


I don''t know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It''s a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you''ve been planning. How important is that to you? I also don''t see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn''t the point for people to KNOW you are married?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/14/2010 11:07:27 AM
Author: OUpeargirl

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM

Author: girlface

I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.

My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of ''wear off'' (for lack of a better term, here). Don''t be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I''m not trying to be negative, and I haven''t slept in >24 hours, so this isn''t going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the ''wedding'' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen''s night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.

I''m not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I''m out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the ''excitement'' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.

I don''t know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It''s a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you''ve been planning. How important is that to you? I also don''t see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn''t the point for people to KNOW you are married?

Ditto. Everyone will know you''re married because that''s the whole point-to save face. I also don''t think having a big wedding in a year is going to go over too well. Good luck-I hope everything works out and I hope you really are truly happy about this.

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/14/2010 11:16:43 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/14/2010 11:07:27 AM

Author: OUpeargirl

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM


Author: girlface


I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.


My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of ''wear off'' (for lack of a better term, here). Don''t be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I''m not trying to be negative, and I haven''t slept in >24 hours, so this isn''t going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the ''wedding'' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen''s night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.


I''m not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I''m out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the ''excitement'' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.


I don''t know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It''s a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you''ve been planning. How important is that to you? I also don''t see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn''t the point for people to KNOW you are married?

Ditto. Everyone will know you''re married because that''s the whole point-to save face. I also don''t think having a big wedding in a year is going to go over too well. Good luck-I hope everything works out and I hope you really are truly happy about this.

Yup. I keep thinking the youth pastor or your mother is going to find a way to "out" you about your marriage. I mean, the whole point is they don''t want to be seen condoning living together before marriage, so if your marriage is secret, they don''t get to save face - it''ll still look like you''re living together before marriage to the congregation and the teenagers they want you to set a good example for. They''ve shown themselves to be manipulative and care more about themselves and how they''re perceived than your desires, so sadly, I wouldn''t be surprised if there''s an announcement made on the 23rd.

 

[daydreamer]

Date: 5/14/2010 11:16:43 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/14/2010 11:07:27 AM

Author: OUpeargirl

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM


Author: girlface


I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.


My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of ''wear off'' (for lack of a better term, here). Don''t be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I''m not trying to be negative, and I haven''t slept in >24 hours, so this isn''t going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the ''wedding'' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen''s night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.


I''m not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I''m out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the ''excitement'' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.


I don''t know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It''s a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you''ve been planning. How important is that to you? I also don''t see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn''t the point for people to KNOW you are married?

Ditto. Everyone will know you''re married because that''s the whole point-to save face. I also don''t think having a big wedding in a year is going to go over too well. Good luck-I hope everything works out and I hope you really are truly happy about this.

Just to offer a contrasting position. One of my best friends had the small civil ceremony for cultural/religious and legal reasons when they moved in together (at age 30 no less) and then had a big 300+ formal, religious wedding 6 months later. The wedding was a big success. No one, as far as I could see, felt underenthused including the many people who flew in from other parts of the country (and other countries.) Friends and family typically do want to participate in happy celebrations.

jaylex - I feel for you. Your mother shouldn''t have interfered. If she is like this frequently, the sooner you establish yourself as an independent adult the better. You do have other options, you know. There is nothing wrong with moving into an apartment with roommates. Living on your own makes you learn invaluable life skills that will only benefit your future marriage. I wish you much happiness in whatever style of life you choose.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 5/14/2010 12:17:47 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/14/2010 11:16:43 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/14/2010 11:07:27 AM
Author: OUpeargirl

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM
Author: girlface
I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.

My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of 'wear off' (for lack of a better term, here). Don't be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I'm not trying to be negative, and I haven't slept in >24 hours, so this isn't going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the 'wedding' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen's night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.

I'm not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I'm out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the 'excitement' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.

I don't know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It's a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you've been planning. How important is that to you? I also don't see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn't the point for people to KNOW you are married?

Ditto. Everyone will know you're married because that's the whole point-to save face. I also don't think having a big wedding in a year is going to go over too well. Good luck-I hope everything works out and I hope you really are truly happy about this.

Yup. I keep thinking the youth pastor or your mother is going to find a way to 'out' you about your marriage. I mean, the whole point is they don't want to be seen condoning living together before marriage, so if your marriage is secret, they don't get to save face - it'll still look like you're living together before marriage to the congregation and the teenagers they want you to set a good example for. They've shown themselves to be manipulative and care more about themselves and how they're perceived than your desires, so sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if there's an announcement made on the 23rd.

Agreed with everyone above me. I had people that decided to not come to our wedding (which ended up being 22 people, mind you) because "You're already basically married anyway. What's the point?"

Alrighty then.

ETA: The above line is directed at my wannabe guests, not you.

 

[katamari]

I guess I missed the point entirely. I though you were most interested in asserting yourself as an adult and (you and your FI) making decisions about your life for yourselves. Your decision to marry early is a huge regression on that front. You will only look less independent when the terms of your marriage surface, which I also believe they ineviteably will--and quickly.

What does your FI think about this? And his mother? Given what I have read about her, I have trouble thinking that she is in favor of "losing her son" to you even more rapidly.

Obviously you wanted to marry your FI or you would have never been engaged in the first place. I don''t think any of us ever called that in question. I wish you a happy marriage.

 

[hoofbeats95]

I honestly just skimmed this thread. My honest impression is that you have talked yourself into wanting this and being ok with it. Quite honestly I think you need to reconsider your church. I''m not a church going person by any stretch of the imagination. But I do think that the church having an upper hand in how you live your life is wrong. Maybe there is a better church out there that would have beliefs that fall in line with yours. I was in the church band once many many many years ago. No way would I let my fear of being kicked out of that ruin my plans. When you look back 10,20,30 years from now what will you think? Will you regret this? Cause I think that you might.

 

[turboflgrl]

Well, good luck jaylex. I hope everything turns out as you hope. Only thing I would suggest is forgoing the idea of a bridal shower and other things like that. To me, it would seem a bit gift grabby to have something like that after already being married. I would definitely suggest doing a vow renewal and celebration in that way - not a "wedding" because that''s not what it is really and it won''t translate that way to guests. I''m not trying to be a downer but I just see you making such a massive mistake. I''m really sad for you.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/14/2010 12:38:28 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 5/14/2010 12:17:47 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 5/14/2010 11:16:43 AM

Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/14/2010 11:07:27 AM

Author: OUpeargirl

Date: 5/14/2010 10:39:38 AM

Author: girlface

I wish you luck, Jaylex, and I hope that you really do feel grounded and secure with this decision.


My question is...after a year, the marriage will sort of 'wear off' (for lack of a better term, here). Don't be surprised if people do not attend your celebration next May, as they will be confused because you will have been married for a year. I'm not trying to be negative, and I haven't slept in >24 hours, so this isn't going to come across as eloquent as it could. Maybe you should think (as I know you mentioned) about having May 2011 be a vow renewal, not a wedding celebration. I think that you need to be prepared to forgo the 'wedding' that you were planning, the wedding shower, rehearsal dinner, hen's night, etc., all that stuff that goes along with a traditional wedding, because you are getting married in a week, and that will be that.


I'm not trying to lecture, or be harsh, like I said, I'm out of sorts right now, I just wanted to give you something to think about. I know that I would NOT be OK with giving that stuff up if it was my original plan. And you may not have to give it up, who knows. But the 'excitement' about your wedding will probably not be there next May.


I don't know if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I can also see that if you have been married for a year there will be a lot of people confused and possibly annoyed by a full blown wedding. It's a little naive to think that you can have EVERYTHING you want in this situation. Sometimes life is not fair. I hope you are considering that if you get married in one week you may not get to have the dream wedding you've been planning. How important is that to you? I also don't see how you can keep the marriage a secret if the whole reason you are doing it is to save face in front of the church. Isn't the point for people to KNOW you are married?

Ditto. Everyone will know you're married because that's the whole point-to save face. I also don't think having a big wedding in a year is going to go over too well. Good luck-I hope everything works out and I hope you really are truly happy about this.

Yup. I keep thinking the youth pastor or your mother is going to find a way to 'out' you about your marriage. I mean, the whole point is they don't want to be seen condoning living together before marriage, so if your marriage is secret, they don't get to save face - it'll still look like you're living together before marriage to the congregation and the teenagers they want you to set a good example for. They've shown themselves to be manipulative and care more about themselves and how they're perceived than your desires, so sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if there's an announcement made on the 23rd.

Agreed with everyone above me. I had people that decided to not come to our wedding (which ended up being 22 people, mind you) because 'You're already basically married anyway. What's the point?'


Alrighty then.

ETA: The above line is directed at my wannabe guests, not you.

Quadritto this. Especially the part about foregoing the idea of the 2011 date being just like a traditional wedding.

And, I don't see how you are going to be able to keep things a secret given the entire point is to somehow satisfy your church that you are married before living together....if you are denying it to the church community won't you still have the same problem?

If you are marrying next week with intention of keep it quiet and satisfying the church community...I don't see how that is going to work at all. From what you have said...that can't happen as the entire reason you have said you need to get married now is as the church has said you can't live together with it, and you have also cited all sorts of reasons like being "role models". If the "youth" that supposedly look up to you don't know you are married how is the situation any different? How would the church be able to have you continue in the band if you are pretending you AREN'T married?

And if you are already married...sorry, you don't get to have a bridal shower, bachelor(ette) parties, and the like in a year from now. It is a vow renewal. Not a wedding.

Again, I am really confused about your logic in this whole thing and how you think it shows in anyway that you own your own decisions. If you want to get married in a few days FINE....but don't blame others for having to make that choice and ACCEPT that the choice also comes along with its own consequences (like presenting yourself as married NOW and having to pass up on the big wedding you wanted). OWN your decision and whatever comes with that decision. That is being an "adult".


Good luck.

 

[Lilac]

Jaylex, I'm sure this week has been difficult for you and your fiance, and I am happy you have come to a resolution that makes both of you happy.

I agree with what many others are saying, but they've already said it so I won't repeat it again.

The one thing I think you may want to think about is wedding gifts. Obviously weddings are *not* all about money and gifts. They never should be all about money or gifts - they should be about celebrating with the people you love. However, being completely realistic, weddings are expensive and so is setting up a new home and living together (and eventually starting a family).

I know you are young, just as I was when DH and I got married (in fact, I still am young). I have no issue with your age (that would be pretty hypocritical of me, given the fact that I was also your age when we got engaged/married). What I can tell you from my experience this past year is that even though my parents generously paid for our wedding and therefore we did not have our own expenses for that, the money we received as gifts from many of our guests has been absolutely *essential* to helping us start our life together. My husband is lucky to have a wonderful job, but I am still in school so we are living off of his salary alone right now. One day we will want to buy a home and start a family, and the money we have saved in the bank from our wedding gifts will be absolutely vital to us to help provide our children with the kind of life we want to. I am so grateful we have that money in our savings account, because one day it will really help us buy our own home and provide for a family.

I have no idea what your financial situation is, but I think you should consider the possibility that guests may not be quite as generous with gifts in a year when they attend a vow renewal or wedding celebration if they know you've already been married for a year. To me, that's more like a party than a wedding, and I could see guests giving "party" gifts rather than "wedding" gifts.

While weddings are *not* all about money, let's face it - life is expensive, and especially for people young and possibly struggling, money is very helpful. Just something to consider.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[nkarma]

I actually don't agree with a lot of the above posts since jaylex's last post. She seems to have made a decision and says it is for her own reasons, not for anyone else's, so we should trust that. Very happy you are getting married in a week. I hope you guys were able to overcome the many mother/parent issues you both have and can enter this marriage vowing to cherish each other and no one else.

I feel like people are threatening her with the whole you can't have a wedding now. I don't know if that is really going to do anything and jaylex seems to be aware of that. As most of you say it is about getting married and not the wedding.

Lilac - Your above post seemed wrong to me. I am sure you do not want to insinuate that she should delay her marriage so she can have a wedding and get lots of money. I am old fashioned though and think two people should be self supporting and financially sound before they are married because marriage is not only an emotional, spiritual, legal, and societal commitment it is also a financial one.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/14/2010 4:31:22 PM
Author: nkarma
I actually don''t agree with a lot of the above posts since jaylex''s last post. She seems to have made a decision and says it is for her own reasons, not for anyone else''s, so we should trust that. Very happy you are getting married in a week. I hope you guys were able to overcome the many mother/parent issues you both have and can enter this marriage vowing to cherish each other and no one else.

I feel like people are threatening her with the whole you can''t have a wedding now. I don''t know if that is really going to do anything and jaylex seems to be aware of that. As most of you say it is about getting married and not the wedding.

Lilac - Your above post seemed immature to me. I am sure you do not want to insinuate that she should delay her marriage so she can have a wedding and get lots of money. I am old fashioned though and think two people should be self supporting and financially sound before they are married.

I''m pretty sure you missed my point entirely. I think the immature attitude would be to assume everything will be fine and money is not an important factor. Money can cause *many* issues in a marriage and in families, and to pretend otherwise is immature and unrealistic.

I was simply pointing out that if Jaylex planned on relying on gifts from the wedding in order to help pay for the wedding next year or to help with expenses in buying a house one day, she should take into account the fact that people may not be as generous as she is hoping or expecting.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think that Lilac is just pointing out that if jaylex is planning on any kind of significant financial gifts from her guests, it's not likely that she will get them. We were hoping to get a decent amount of money so we could put it towards a honeymoon. We walked away with $260. No a wedding isn't about money, and we're certainly working towards a honeymoon on our own means, but it is something to consider...

Everyone else has pointed out emotional ramifications, but there are others as well. Lilac just pointed out another one.

ETA: After reading Lilac's last post (she posted while I was posting), finances are the #1 cause of divorce. Why shouldn't it be considered?

 

[nkarma]

I guess my point to both Lilac and Freke is that I don''t think in this situation or any that monetary gifts you get for your wedding should affect how/when you get married. Yes you should DEFINITELY be on the same page financially and have the same money goals and yes money is obviously a big cause for divorce. I think it has more to do with how you spend it, save, etc..than the gifts you get at your wedding. Yes it is very nice to receive gifts at your wedding, but is not the reason you are getting married and therefore to me should not be a factor at all.

Lilac, sorry I called you immature. I went back and changed it to wrong but you had already seen it I guess.

I get into debates with my friends about this too. I have been self supporting since I was 17 and am very stubborn on the issue. I think people should not get married until they are able to support themselves fully without the wedding gifts, their parents, etc...They are adults and if they want to buy a house, then save for it and buy one they can afford.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/14/2010 4:57:57 PM
Author: nkarma
I guess my point to both Lilac and Freke is that I don't think in this situation or any that monetary gifts you get for your wedding should affect how/when you get married. Yes you should DEFINITELY be on the same page financially and have the same money goals and yes money is obviously a big cause for divorce. I think it has more to do with how you spend it, save, etc..than the gifts you get at your wedding. Yes it is very nice to receive gifts at your wedding, but is not the reason you are getting married and therefore to me should not be a factor at all.

Lilac, sorry I called you immature. I went back and changed it to wrong but you had already seen it I guess.

I get into debates with my friends about this too. I have been self supporting since I was 17 and am very stubborn on the issue. I think people should not get married until they are able to support themselves fully without the wedding gifts, their parents, etc...They are adults and if they want to buy a house, then save for it and buy one they can afford.

I agree with you that people should be self-supporting when they get married and should not get married until they can support themselves fully without the help of parents or other means. That has nothing to do with what I said, though.

My husband and I got married at almost the same age as Jaylex and her FI (I was 20, my husband was 22). My husband was lucky enough and worked hard to get a great job that can fully support us and still allow us to save money. We did not NEED the wedding money to support us, and in fact, we have not touched a cent of the wedding money yet because we saved enough before we got married. Our parents don't give us money either.

I was saying that the wedding money is helpful because it brings us much closer to our goals of buying a home and starting a family. Sure we could have lived off our income without the wedding money because we ARE financially independent and self-supporting - but there is *definitely* a comfort to knowing it's there in the bank.

However, I do have several friends who got married without being financially independent and they have been living off their wedding money since their wedding. They got married with the INTENTION of using the wedding money to help pay their rent for the first year or few years. I was trying to explain to Jaylex that she should *not* rely on this because it's possible she will not end up with as much as she expects. I'm not trying to tell Jaylex whether or not to get married next week, I'm simply pointing out that I hope she is financially stable and independent *without* the help of any wedding money because she may not get as much in gifts as she hopes or expects.

If she and her fiance *do* need the money in order to be financially independent, then the smart thing to do is to wait until next year to get married and not take the chance that they will end up in financial trouble because they relied on receiving money that they don't actually end up with.

 

[FrekeChild]

So jaylex has said in an earlier thread that her parents are contributing about 1/3 of the wedding budget. What does that say?

(For the record, my dad foot the entire bill for our wedding. This is because he wanted us to have it ASAP, and we did too, but we were willing to wait to have it so we could pay for it ourselves. If he had P-ed me off, we would have done that. We also considered going to the courthouse and getting married a few times, but obviously that didn''t end up happening. My dad is 72 and wanted to see us married in the "style" he''s accustomed to, and had the means to do it with.)

I figure that people should get married the way they want. I did. If I hadn''t been able to afford (through whatever means) the wedding I wanted, I would have gone to the courthouse, because getting married to my husband was the most important part. And I kind of took the "Well I don''t care what other people think" too far, when I uninvited people, and intentionally didn''t invite others.

I think, at this point, if I were Jaylex, I would move in with my fiance, and then a few weeks later, go to the courthouse. Then she wouldn''t be doing it because she wanted to move in with her fiance and stay in the band. It''d kind of be a subtle "screw you, I''ll do what I want", but on my timeline instead of theirs. I think its them and their imposed deadline that is making this thread so emotional/potentially volatile/uneasy.

...shrugs...

 

[yssie]

Good luck Jaylex, I hope everything works out for you.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Good luck Jaylex.

I do agree with many other posters, especially the way that RaiKai worded it, but if you`ve gotten this far in the thread, you`ve already read it many times before and I need not repeat it.

 

[onedrop]

I just stumbled on this thread and apparently you have already made your decision to go ahead and get married next week. I don't have much to add apart from what everyone else has written. Mostly I am posting just to say that I am sorry that your dream wedding scenario will not happen due to other people's meddling (i.e., getting married for real on the day you wanted to). And that you felt forced into getting married earlier than you wanted. You've already made your decision to marry. And from your last post it seems like you have allowed yourself to feel content about your decision. Though you sound at peace with your decision, I hope this situation doesn't set a precedent for you in the future. If people outside your relationship pressured you into getting married against your wishes, what would be next? You have to know that even though you and your DH-to-be will be married and living in your own place, people will still find ways to try and force you to live your life according to their beliefs. And based upon your situation (at least what you have shared here) you have people around you that are more than happy to dictate how you love your life. Not only are you listening to them, but you are also acting upon those opinions. Marrying your soul mate is a wonderful thing, but it is not a panacea for all of the potential problems your Mom, your in-laws, etc. will try to bring into your marriage.

Still and all I wish you the best.

 

[lulu66]

jay, first, i''m glad to hear that you & FI discussed the options that are available and have come to a decision that pleases you both. and congrats on your upcoming wedding!!

i think that i''m just a bit confused b/c while i understand what you & FI chose & that you both want this alternative now but you didn''t share what made you change your mind. (and if you don''t want to, i understand that''s private.) obviously, you & FI could have chosen this alternative from the beginning but you didn''t. you got engaged, took your time deciding a date (like me

), then decided on this date a year out in order to plan the wedding. to me (obv an outsider), that says that you place value in the "wedding" part of it. you then decided (i can''t remember if this actually happened before or after you chose your date) decided that you & FI would move out b/c of certain situations at home that were wearing on your growing relationship. again, this speaks to your values & priorities. (of course everyone is entitled to their own values & priorities and those most def can change over time.) then you had this shake up at church b/c your mom ratted you out to the pastor. you were provided with this alternative and at first were a bit upset with being cornered into this decision. now you & FI are onboard with the plan as it''s been laid out to you by mom & pastor, and i''m just curious, what within yourselves changed? what caused you to shift priorities? is this what you wanted *deep down* all along? or do you see this as getting to have your cake & eat it too (meaning please your parents & pastor but still have the "wedding" you & FI value)?
as another posted asked, i''m also curious how FI''s mom is handling this turn of events?

GOOD LUCK, jaylex!!! and please do come back & share details & keep us up with the planning of the event next year!

 

[Indylady]

Jaylex, lots of dust for you and your upcoming ceremony! I have to make this short, but here it is:

I come from a background that is very much faith-based as well; I understand your decision entirely.

My parents, my extended family, my community, and my faith are all very important to me. They''ve been there for me through thick and thin, and they''re part of my support system. When my mom had cancer, her friends came and took me to school and picked me up after. Members of our community prayed for us, sent us more food than we could ever eat, and were really, genuinely, there for us, and me.

Not to mention my parents, who have been "there for me" in more ways than I could recount in a sentence.

No, just because they are your support system, shouldn''t mean they get to tell you what to do. At all.

But, if I was faced with your decision, and marrying a man that I fully intended to marry anyway, I can understand moving the date up a year to keep things ok with my community and my family. Yes, it sucks. But, its one of those give and take situations; you can be independent and make your own choices, but you''ve sacrificed that community and your family. Its definitely a tough choice to make, and I understand your situation. Now that you''ve made your choice, I want to send you lots of dust and luck that the ceremony goes well!

 

[House Cat]

Good luck to you Jalex!

I have a feeling your private ceremony will be more emotional than you think. Cherish it, ok?

I will be hoping and praying that your public ceremony and celebration turn out to be everything you want them to be! Regardless of the circumstances, I do believe your marriage deserves to be celebrated. If fewer people show or whatever...no worries, YOU enjoy yourself, ok?

 

[jaylex]

Date: 5/12/2010 3:49:45 PM
Author: mscushion

Date: 5/12/2010 2:34:36 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 5/12/2010 2:19:00 PM
Author: mscushion
There probably aren't many people who are less into organized religion than I am. That said, I would like to defend jaylex here.
She is facing competing priorities between her church, her independence from her family, and her wish for a big old wedding, but I think she is making a very reasonable choice here. If her church position is important to her, but so is moving out and away from her controlling family, then yes, she needs to rush her wedding, now that the cat is out of the bag. I don't think she's being strong-armed into a wedding, and I don't think it's our place to tell her that she needs to choose against her church. (And come on, you can absolutely be very active in a religious organization and still not support 100% of its policies.) A different choice (staying at home for another year, giving up her church position) would be reasonable, too, but it's not the choice she wants to make. What's more, I think she's perfectly within her rights to feel sorry about this less-than-perfect choice she has to make. It really is unfortunate.
jaylex, sorry I've been speaking in the third person. I just wanted to say that elsewhere, in Germany for example, many people have a small, simple legal wedding well in advance of the church wedding and celebration. A year between the two is not uncommon. I think you'll be able to do a party regardless. I do agree with other posters that you shouldn't lie about not being married. That's a bad idea. Be honest and just make the 2011 wedding the big bash you want to have.

I agree with what you've said mscushion, but I think the biggest point here is that jaylex isn't happy about it. If she could have it her way, the way that would make her happiest is living with her FI for a year, and getting married then, while retaining her position within the church.
This is a sucky situation and she's between a rock and a hard place, and it seems that no matter what she does, now that she's in this situation, she's going to be unhappy in some regard. And that sucks.

I agree; that's why I think she deserves compassion about being between a rock and a hard place rather than the harsh judgment I felt some initial posts passed.

Thanks especially to you, ladies..
Thanks housecat, lulu, and Indylady too!

First of all, to say fiance's mom is furious with the situation would be an understatement. She does not want us to say our vows without her there to witness them. She told us that we are "weird" and "twisted" and that she can't even believe our pastor would "allow" or "condone" our "ridiculous" decision. As of right now, she will not be attending our event next year.

Regarding Money:
We were not relying on monetary gifts to help furnish or purchase a house, pay off our wedding... w/e. We own both of our vehicles, are not in any debt from school (we paid for our education ourselves), fiance has been working full time since he was 16 (he was home schooled so he could do that) and I have been working full time for two years. We have enough money in our savings accounts to put a down payment on a house and pay for the 1/3 of our wedding that my parents aren't helping with (my mom and stepdad are paying for a third and my dad is giving us the other third). But I do understand why that would be asked. Why, if we were ready to be married, did we choose 5-11 instead of 5-10?
We decided to get married in May of 11 because it was simply the most convenient. Fiance's work tends to slow down around this time so we would be able to have less stress when tying up all of the loose ends of our wedding planning. I have always wanted to get married in May and like to have lots of time to plan things and I wanted to give myself time to lose a lil weight. Why did we choose next May instead of this year? My stepgrandfather and fiance's stepgrandfather (aren't divorces the worst?!) were having health problems around the time we got engaged (my stepgpa was battling cancer, his was having severe heart problems) and we were hoping to allow them some time to recover before the wedding because they both really wanted to be there (instead of in a hospital bed or going through chemo). Both have since passed.. fiance's stepgpa in december

, my stepgpa the day after Easter

).



Why we are moving out instead of one of us living at home:
>
We aren't moving out with roommates simply because we are pretty private and wouldn't feel comfortable living with just "anyone". Most of our "good" friends are away at college right now. One of my other friends that I was considering moving out with at one point is now a stay at home mom to her 4 month old and she and her fiance live in a one bedroom apartment so that's def. not going to work.

We really have exhausted all other options (prior to our decision to move out)

If people decide they don't want to come to our party because we are "already married" then that's fine with us... that's more friends we get to invite!
But if my mother hadn't said anything to our youth pastor, I'm pretty confident no one would have found out that we were moving. There will not be an announcement made simply because our head pastor, (the one that's marrying us... not the y. pastor) would be the one to make the announcement and he already told us that it's not his business to tell anyone. The kids in the youth group won't know we are moving out because we don't talk to them. The only way anyone would know that we moved out together is if they would happen to visit every apartment complex in the area we are living in, and just happen to drive buy through our complex, to our building when both of our cars are parked outside.

The head pastor (who would be marrying us next year, and is marrying us next week) said that he is "proud" of our decision but he was sure to ask us our motives.
He didn't want us to feel like we were making our choice just to please everyone else. Basically his position is that God gives grace and that no one can take that away from us, no matter what our choice.

The other day, I saw I had an email from the other band leader (the non-youth pastor one). It came on Wednesday (before we told anyone our decision to go through with the Friday wedding... she is still under the impression that we are moving out- unmarried).
It was addressed to fiance and I and basically said that she talked to youth pastor and that if we were making the decision to move out, she wants us to know that she loves us and doesn't want us to feel "funny" around her or any of our other band-mates and that they all consider us family. She also said that she doesn't want us to feel like we need to "discuss" our decision with her or anyone else in the band, and that she wouldn't say anything to anyone else in the church and that she hopes we would take comfort in that.
We talked to our drummer who had spoken with her about the situation... and it turns out that she had made the decision to not kick us out of her band. If y. pastor wanted to kick us out of his then that was his choice, but she didn't want to break up her band over something so trivial. (and maybe she just didn't want to be outed her lead female vocalist and lead guitarist {not to mention drummer that he would be "taking a break" with us} lol.)

I truly think that they youth pastor was going to try to make an example out of us by kicking us out of his band. He's young (25?) and has only been at our church for 6 years or so. "If Jaylex and Mr Jaylex move in together while not married, maybe ALL of my teenagers would think it's ok to move in together while not married.. then all the parents will be mad at me and I'll look like a failure!

I need to make sure they either shape up, or ship out". Personally, I have made the decision to step down from his band regardless of our choice. He has known about the problems we have been having at home for years now and remained silent.... until we were going to do something he didn't like. Then he felt like it was his job to step in. And I really have lost a great deal of respect for him because of that.



At this point, married, unmarried, living together, living at home. I don't care what the other people think. We are doing this for us. I already feel so much less pressure to have everything "perfect". I feel truly at peace with my decision and am really excited about exchanging our vows privately (and without my horrible FMIL there breathing down my neck lol)!

 

[Indylady]

I finally had a chance to go back and read a lot of the other posts..

I don''t this is about being in a band, I think its about being part of an extended, larger family.

I see nothing wrong with having a traditional bridal shower, or traditional wedding.

Nothing at all.

Do what you want, and make your own traditions. So many have said not do x,y, and z because of your church. Why would other x,y,z rules follow for the wedding and bridal shower? Bridal showers are for close friends to celebrate with you, right? Surely they know you well enough, and your situation well enough, to know its not for anything besides a celebration. I think that many could make the "well you''re already married" comment to those being who are "already living together"...

ETA: I just saw that Jaylex posted back; good luck Jaylex!

 

[missjaxon]

Best of luck Jaylex! I wish you all the best on your wedding day!

 

[jaylex]

Thanks indy and missjaxon!

I just wanted to address the bridal shower/bachelorette thing. I do not throw the bridal shower. I do not plan the bachelorette. Like gifts, I don''t think that they are to be "expected" or that they are my "right". My feelings about that don''t change whether I am getting married this coming friday or a year from now. My mom and moh were going to plan the bridal shower and my moh was planning the bachelorette. As far as my MOH is concerned, she cannot wait to be a part of both of those events. But should she (or my mom) decide that the parties were unnecessary, that''s their choice and right. If they did decide that they didn''t want either of these parties, but my grandmothers wanted to throw my shower or my maids wanted to throw the bach., should I tell them "no"?

If they want to throw them for me, I''ll be super grateful

. If not, that''s their decision.