Don''t even know where to begin.

[dragonfly411]

Jaylex
I wish you the best of luck. I feel like you are letting the church pressure get to you, but I am glad you''ve found peace in your decision though.

I did want to mention that FMIL is probably reacting to hearing the same things we have here, and now having you go through with the plan... she probably feels as though you two are bowing to their wishes. Give her some time to cool off. I do think you should extend an invitation to her to come listen to you and SO do your vows... as well as your own parents. She probably also feels very excluded right now.

I''ve known several people who have done vows then had a ceremony later due to convenience, or what not. It has always gone off without a hitch. Those who TRULY care for you will want to celebrate with you.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

jaylex you sound like everything is pretty much worked out now.. good luck for your wedding and i wish you both the best!

(and good on you for taking a stand and stepping down from the youth pastors band too)

Again, best wishes and i hope you have a wonderful wedding day!!

 

[Blackpaw]

Jaylex i hope everything works out for you and your FI...

This is a crappy situation, and to be honest it sounds like you share some ideological differences with your church. You said you dont need to agree with everything your Church says, but i would reconsider that at some point in the near future. As a part of that church you condone everything it does - you are not comfortable with how they''ve treated you, how many others have they treated this way? Apathy doesnt absolve you from your church''s doings...

Just something to think about. I really do hope everything works out for the best.

 

[Blackpaw]

Oh and also, i think its great you''re standing down from the band, for the same reasons i mentioned above. And there are plenty of more ''moderate'' (for want of a better word) churches out there that may suit you and your FI''s faith better?

Just a quick note, i dont know your family history or anything so this is a ''musing'' not an outright direction, but do you think it might be an issue down the track that your FIs mum was not there to see her son married? You know the answer to that, i just thought that, well, she is his mum!

good luck again, Jaylex.

(and if you''re standing down from the band in any case it sounds to me like you could just do what you had originally planned, if that''s still an option for you?)

 

[CrownJewel]

jaylex, I'm glad you and your FI have made a decision together. Decision making is scary and very difficult. However, while the church has made role models of you as an example of two people in love, getting married, INSTEAD of "living in sin", I can't help but say that I am worried about the OTHER example that the church is making of you (unintentionally). You are two young people, in love, wanting to live together, so you get married quickly in order to avoid "living in sin." The "younger" members of the church are going to take this to mean that they should hurry and get married too, if they want to live together. They may not be as "mature" as you and your FI, and they won't think it through as much as you, but you are right that they will look to you as a role model. A role model who got married quickly. They may not know the underlying circumstances. I understand you never asked to be made a role model, but like you said, whether you like it or not, you are in that role. Now, there may be two very young people in your church right now, maybe they're two very horny young people, and because of all the examples the church has made of previous couples, these two kids are going to think, "oh not a problem, if we get married the church will be fine with it! but let's hurry because I really really really 'love' you/am horny."

I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's just something that I saw many times in college. Two very religious teenagers sitting next to each other, obviously sexually interested in each other but not allowed to show it because their religion does not allow them to touch before marriage, sitting on their hands so they won't "accidentally touch each other." They get married ASAP. I don't even have to mention the D- word that we hear so much about when people get married for the wrong reasons.

This is not a rant over your decision jaylex, because I don't know specifically all the circumstances of your situation. I'm just voicing my concern over how some churches choose to make examples of their members.

 

[turboflgrl]

Date: 5/15/2010 9:12:37 AM
Author: jaylex
Thanks indy and missjaxon!

I just wanted to address the bridal shower/bachelorette thing. I do not throw the bridal shower. I do not plan the bachelorette. Like gifts, I don't think that they are to be 'expected' or that they are my 'right'. My feelings about that don't change whether I am getting married this coming friday or a year from now. My mom and moh were going to plan the bridal shower and my moh was planning the bachelorette. As far as my MOH is concerned, she cannot wait to be a part of both of those events. But should she (or my mom) decide that the parties were unnecessary, that's their choice and right. If they did decide that they didn't want either of these parties, but my grandmothers wanted to throw my shower or my maids wanted to throw the bach., should I tell them 'no'?

If they want to throw them for me, I'll be super grateful

. If not, that's their decision.

I just wanted to clarify if my other post came across as though I was suggesting that you would be throwing your own bridal shower or bachelorette party. I was just saying that if it were me, I would ask that they not be thrown since it would seem like a big of a gift grab having already been married. Just my opinion.


@CrownJewel - I completely agree. I've actually had 3 of my very Christian friends end up divorced before age 24 because they rushed into getting married because they wanted to "move on to the next step." I don't think that is necessarily the point here seeing as jaylex was already engaged before all this happened but just in general... makes me very sad for the people that feel like they have to do something because they are afraid of how they'll look to others.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/15/2010 8:33:20 PM
Author: turboflgrl

I just wanted to clarify if my other post came across as though I was suggesting that you would be throwing your own bridal shower or bachelorette party. I was just saying that if it were me, I would ask that they not be thrown since it would seem like a big of a gift grab having already been married. Just my opinion.


@CrownJewel - I completely agree. I've actually had 3 of my very Christian friends end up divorced before age 24 because they rushed into getting married because they wanted to 'move on to the next step.' I don't think that is necessarily the point here seeing as jaylex was already engaged before all this happened but just in general... makes me very sad for the people that feel like they have to do something because they are afraid of how they'll look to others.

These two statements contradict each other. If you're not concerned with how others perceive you, then you also wouldn't be concerned if others perceive you to be gift grabbing.

The rest isn't directed at anyone in particular, but really for Jaylex.

My opinion, as I stated earlier, is that having a bachelorette party, bridal shower, and wedding party, are rites of passage, and its your right to participate in these rites. You've already had a stressful time of people passing judgment, and telling you what to do; don't let 'em tell you what to do when it comes to having your bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding party, and after party, etc. and doing it however you want to. Some of the same people that told you that you're being pressured into marriage, are pressuring you into how you'll handle these social events. I just don't get it.

If someone doesn't come, cause they don't get it, then it just means there will be more cake left for the rest of the party.

When I go to a wedding, I go to celebrate the union of two people.
-I don't care about when they signed their marriage license. I don't care if they signed a license at all.
-I don't care if they've lived together.
-I don't care if its their second or third or fourth marriage.
-I don't care if they're old.
-I don't care if they already have a child.
-I don't care if she wears white even though she's not a virgin. (isn't that the underlying "symbolism" of wearing white?)
-etc.

Except for the last statement about the bride wearing white, these are all "situations" where I've heard that a wedding party isn't merited. I realize that some people do care about these things. I don't.

The common thread in most of these responses has been to do what you want, regardless of what others think. I think its sound advice and agree with it thoroughly, including applying said advice to how you handle your wedding parties.

 

[lulu66]

thanks for answering my questions jaylex. i''m glad that you & FI have really thought about what''s best/most important for YOU and based your decision on that! i wish you much love & happiness. make sure to get pics (and even share them, if you want). just remember this is your wedding day, the day you & FI are beginning your life together. treat it specially & with reverance!

 

[AustenNut]

It seems that you and your fiance are comfortable with the decision to move up the wedding date, and I wish the two of you a lifetime of happiness in your new marriage.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Alright, I read the first two posts by you jaylex, and I am giving you this advice with only skimming the first page. It is not for or against what you are doing, only you can make this decision and you MUST be ok with the reasons you are doing this for. My advice is simply pertaining to the fact you want to keep it all a secret from certain people.

My best friend married her FI about 8 months prior to the religious wedding. It had to do with insurance, she was losing her job and had some serious medical conditions. Literally years of debt would be accrued within the months it would have taken her to find a job and get new insurance, not to mention that given her medical state had she not had insurance, she would have been un-employable. Her and FI got married, only told the two witnesses at the courthouse, their parents, and their rabbi. Well, the local paper prints marriages as a matter of public record, and despite tearful pleading with the paper, they refused to omit the marriage. Friend and FI figured "who reads the marriage announcements in the paper, they are printed in size 10 font, no one will notice!" But people did notice, and asked the parents. One of the mothers having quite the big mouth decided this was her license to tell the world. Word got around, friend and FI had some explaining to do, and then realized they needed to tell everyone invited to the wedding. It was a little embarrassing trying to explain to people why they got married legally and told no one and what the wedding the following summer meant. My friend was torn up over it all. In the end it was not worth keeping a secret, as secrets like this are always found out.

Lesson: Don''t try to keep something like this a secret. It is simply not possible. And it seems like your mother won''t keep it a secret anyways, which only ends in a situation similar to what my dear friend went through.

I am not endorsing or disapproving of your choices. Simply giving you some advice regarding part of your decision making process.

 

[turboflgrl]

Date: 5/15/2010 9:24:04 PM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 5/15/2010 8:33:20 PM
Author: turboflgrl

I just wanted to clarify if my other post came across as though I was suggesting that you would be throwing your own bridal shower or bachelorette party. I was just saying that if it were me, I would ask that they not be thrown since it would seem like a big of a gift grab having already been married. Just my opinion.


@CrownJewel - I completely agree. I've actually had 3 of my very Christian friends end up divorced before age 24 because they rushed into getting married because they wanted to 'move on to the next step.' I don't think that is necessarily the point here seeing as jaylex was already engaged before all this happened but just in general... makes me very sad for the people that feel like they have to do something because they are afraid of how they'll look to others.

These two statements contradict each other. If you're not concerned with how others perceive you, then you also wouldn't be concerned if others perceive you to be gift grabbing.

The rest isn't directed at anyone in particular, but really for Jaylex.

My opinion, as I stated earlier, is that having a bachelorette party, bridal shower, and wedding party, are rites of passage, and its your right to participate in these rites. You've already had a stressful time of people passing judgment, and telling you what to do; don't let 'em tell you what to do when it comes to having your bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding party, and after party, etc. and doing it however you want to. Some of the same people that told you that you're being pressured into marriage, are pressuring you into how you'll handle these social events. I just don't get it.

If someone doesn't come, cause they don't get it, then it just means there will be more cake left for the rest of the party.

When I go to a wedding, I go to celebrate the union of two people.
-I don't care about when they signed their marriage license. I don't care if they signed a license at all.
-I don't care if they've lived together.
-I don't care if its their second or third or fourth marriage.
-I don't care if they're old.
-I don't care if they already have a child.
-I don't care if she wears white even though she's not a virgin. (isn't that the underlying 'symbolism' of wearing white?)
-etc.

Except for the last statement about the bride wearing white, these are all 'situations' where I've heard that a wedding party isn't merited. I realize that some people do care about these things. I don't.

The common thread in most of these responses has been to do what you want, regardless of what others think. I think its sound advice and agree with it thoroughly, including applying said advice to how you handle your wedding parties.

You can read into my statements however you'd like IndyLady. I was not inferring that she should care that other people would think it looked like a gift grab. If I were in the situation, I would personally feel strange being married for a year and then going to something where I'm being showered for gifts in relation to that. To me, these events are celebrating the joining of these two and assisting by giving gifts to help the soon to be newlyweds into their transition together.

In response to the rest of your post - I respect your stance and it would be nice if more people didn't care about things like this. Unfortunately, that's not always the case and I can attest to that.

Best of luck jaylex. Enjoy your days.

 

[february2003bride]

Jaylex- I''m wishing you nothjing but joy and happiness on Friday! I do hope that you post pictures of your ceremony!

 

[Tuckins1]

Best of luck to you!

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 5/16/2010 11:26:55 PM
Author: february2003bride
Jaylex- I''m wishing you nothjing but joy and happiness on Friday! I do hope that you post pictures of your ceremony!

yes -please show us some photos!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/16/2010 2:09:41 PM
Author: turboflgrl

Date: 5/15/2010 9:24:04 PM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 5/15/2010 8:33:20 PM
Author: turboflgrl

I just wanted to clarify if my other post came across as though I was suggesting that you would be throwing your own bridal shower or bachelorette party. I was just saying that if it were me, I would ask that they not be thrown since it would seem like a big of a gift grab having already been married. Just my opinion.


@CrownJewel - I completely agree. I''ve actually had 3 of my very Christian friends end up divorced before age 24 because they rushed into getting married because they wanted to ''move on to the next step.'' I don''t think that is necessarily the point here seeing as jaylex was already engaged before all this happened but just in general... makes me very sad for the people that feel like they have to do something because they are afraid of how they''ll look to others.

These two statements contradict each other. If you''re not concerned with how others perceive you, then you also wouldn''t be concerned if others perceive you to be gift grabbing.

The rest isn''t directed at anyone in particular, but really for Jaylex.

My opinion, as I stated earlier, is that having a bachelorette party, bridal shower, and wedding party, are rites of passage, and its your right to participate in these rites. You''ve already had a stressful time of people passing judgment, and telling you what to do; don''t let ''em tell you what to do when it comes to having your bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding party, and after party, etc. and doing it however you want to. Some of the same people that told you that you''re being pressured into marriage, are pressuring you into how you''ll handle these social events. I just don''t get it.

If someone doesn''t come, cause they don''t get it, then it just means there will be more cake left for the rest of the party.

When I go to a wedding, I go to celebrate the union of two people.
-I don''t care about when they signed their marriage license. I don''t care if they signed a license at all.
-I don''t care if they''ve lived together.
-I don''t care if its their second or third or fourth marriage.
-I don''t care if they''re old.
-I don''t care if they already have a child.
-I don''t care if she wears white even though she''s not a virgin. (isn''t that the underlying ''symbolism'' of wearing white?)
-etc.

Except for the last statement about the bride wearing white, these are all ''situations'' where I''ve heard that a wedding party isn''t merited. I realize that some people do care about these things. I don''t.

The common thread in most of these responses has been to do what you want, regardless of what others think. I think its sound advice and agree with it thoroughly, including applying said advice to how you handle your wedding parties.

You can read into my statements however you''d like IndyLady. I was not inferring that she should care that other people would think it looked like a gift grab. If I were in the situation, I would personally feel strange being married for a year and then going to something where I''m being showered for gifts in relation to that. To me, these events are celebrating the joining of these two and assisting by giving gifts to help the soon to be newlyweds into their transition together.

In response to the rest of your post - I respect your stance and it would be nice if more people didn''t care about things like this. Unfortunately, that''s not always the case and I can attest to that.

Best of luck jaylex. Enjoy your days.

Completely agree with you turbo.

Indylady, it would be completely inappropriate to have a shower after you''re already married. Most of the women on here think it''s tacky to have baby shower for a second kid, for crying out loud. I think the etiquette gods would cry if a married woman (who is not a bride, sorry!) were to be showered with gifts (the intention of a bridal shower).

 

[nkarma]

I am kind of on Indylady''s side....although I am not into etiquette and more into treating others around you as you would like to be treated. I don''t really care about any of the things IndyLady listed as well. If they did an elopement but are having the actual wedding a year later and want a shower in between, I don''t see it as gift grab but something my friend wants to do and I am happy to oblige her. To me and to jaylex it sounds like it is no different that they already signed the piece of paper. It''s not like she had a shower before the wedding and then after.

Anyways, jaylex, it looks as though some of your friends will if they are really into wedding etiquette will not approve of the pre-wedding parties. Hopefully, you don''t have too many of them though. If one of my friends did it your way, I would be happy to particpate in whatever is planned like I would any other wedding.

 

[Indylady]

In that strain, if you''re living together before you''re married, you shouldn''t get wedding presents. You''re already living together, meaning that you already have a home together and shouldn''t be given gifts that are usually meant to start a new home.

Sunny, I just don''t see the point in taking that away from Jaylex. As long as the bridal shower is before the reception, I don''t see anything wrong with it. I don''t believe in "etiquette gods". If you/anyone other poster wouldn''t want one, that''s totally ok. If it makes you/anyone else uncomfortable to attend a bridal shower after a couple is married, that''s ok too.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/19/2010 8:07:38 PM
Author: IndyLady
In that strain, if you''re living together before you''re married, you shouldn''t get wedding presents. You''re already living together, meaning that you already have a home together and shouldn''t be given gifts that are usually meant to start a new home.

Sunny, I just don''t see the point in taking that away from Jaylex. As long as the bridal shower is before the reception, I don''t see anything wrong with it. I don''t believe in ''etiquette gods''. If you/anyone other poster wouldn''t want one, that''s totally ok. If it makes you/anyone else uncomfortable to attend a bridal shower after a couple is married, that''s ok too.

THAT is a really rude comment. Next are you going to say that if you already have kids you shouldn''t get married either??

 

[monarch64]

HOT, I think Indy was just trying to expand on someone''s comment regarding whether it''s appropriate to still have a shower after Jaylex is actually married, but before her reception/2nd wedding a year from now. I had to read through a couple of times to understand it myself.

I just moved in with SO. I''m 33, have been married once already. He''s 37, never married but household firmly established. I do not foresee us having a large reception and registering for gifts, fact is we are not just starting out. Jaylex and her FI are very young and may not have a ton of things with which to run a household starting out. I would have absolutely no problem if I were a guest at their wedding or shower, buying them an item off their registry regardless of their legal marital status.

It certainly has become acceptable to do the registry thing of late. I don''t mind it, but here''s my issue: if you are one of those girls who grows up envisioning her dream wedding, wants to get married straight out of high school or college and start a family, why not start collecting things for your household long before you even acquire a suitable mate? They used to call it a hope chest.

 

[junebug17]

I''m an older woman and a bit of a traditionalist, and probably a little old fashioned, but I can honestly say I wouldn''t have a problem at all attending a shower and giving a gift to a newly married woman, especially in this case when the couple is so young and just starting out...my gosh, it would really help them out. I just don''t see anything wrong with it, and I think in most cases family and friends would be happy to do it. I know I would if it was my daughter.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/19/2010 10:28:10 PM
Author: monarch64
HOT, I think Indy was just trying to expand on someone''s comment regarding whether it''s appropriate to still have a shower after Jaylex is actually married, but before her reception/2nd wedding a year from now. I had to read through a couple of times to understand it myself.

I just moved in with SO. I''m 33, have been married once already. He''s 37, never married but household firmly established. I do not foresee us having a large reception and registering for gifts, fact is we are not just starting out. Jaylex and her FI are very young and may not have a ton of things with which to run a household starting out. I would have absolutely no problem if I were a guest at their wedding or shower, buying them an item off their registry regardless of their legal marital status.

It certainly has become acceptable to do the registry thing of late. I don''t mind it, but here''s my issue: if you are one of those girls who grows up envisioning her dream wedding, wants to get married straight out of high school or college and start a family, why not start collecting things for your household long before you even acquire a suitable mate? They used to call it a hope chest.

Thanks monarch, gotcha

sorry indy! i took it out of context

I have a friend with a hope chest monarch, She cant squeeze any more stuff into her bedroom and her dad has told her that she needs to buy a shed to put it all in if she is going to keep buying stuff. It''s going to be very hard to buy her a wedding present when the day comes!

 

[Indylady]

HOT, I don't think that at all! I wrote a somewhat lengthy post earlier on this page if you're interested in reading.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong AT ALL with having a wedding shower after they are legally married. The point is to celebrate the marriage and help the bride. Her joy in her marriage and her need for help do not expire the day she signs the paper. There is no rule that says showers must take place before the wedding day, just like baby showers can take place after the baby is born and people can have wedding receptions after their wedding day. Just change the wording to note that it is in honor of the recent marriage instead of an upcoming marriage.

That being said, a bachelorette party would be completely inappropriate. You will no longer be a single lady; your time for "last night out" will have passed, and any sort of typical trashy bachelorette stuff would be in poor taste for a MARRIED woman. You can still have a night out with your friends or an all girls spa day or whatever, but any reference to "bachelorette" or those games that some women play with tasks and coupons, etc. should be omitted.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/20/2010 11:50:02 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong AT ALL with having a wedding shower after they are legally married. The point is to celebrate the marriage and help the bride. Her joy in her marriage and her need for help do not expire the day she signs the paper. There is no rule that says showers must take place before the wedding day, just like baby showers can take place after the baby is born and people can have wedding receptions after their wedding day. Just change the wording to note that it is in honor of the recent marriage instead of an upcoming marriage.

That being said, a bachelorette party would be completely inappropriate. You will no longer be a single lady; your time for ''last night out'' will have passed, and any sort of typical trashy bachelorette stuff would be in poor taste for a MARRIED woman. You can still have a night out with your friends or an all girls spa day or whatever, but any reference to ''bachelorette'' or those games that some women play with tasks and coupons, etc. should be omitted.

A wedding shower or vow renewal would certainly be appropriate. I would find it strange (but not rude/shocking) if I was invited to a wedding for people I knew were already married but I would certainly go to celebrate with them and bring a gift (if I knew them well, I''d probably send a gift for the legal marriage and bring another to the celebration).

Big DITTO to the bachelorette party comment above (and the same goes for bachelor party).
Since you will be married at the time, that would be very inappropriate.
A girls night out for dinner/tea/spa (or girls night in -- movies, etc.) would be a lot of fun and appropriate. (same for the guys -- race car driving class, ball game, fishing weekend, etc.)

 

[monarch64]

Jaylex, best of luck and best wishes to you tomorrow. Congrats on taking the big step of getting married, and may you both grow and prosper. My sincere hopes that this is the best decision for you both!

 

[princesss]

It''s your wedding day! Best wishes, and I truly hope everything works out wonderfully for you.

 

[lulu66]

Date: 5/21/2010 8:42:32 AM
Author: princesss
It''s your wedding day! Best wishes, and I truly hope everything works out wonderfully for you.

big ol'' ditto! jaylex, congrats!!! you''re a wifey now!!!!!

 

[lucyandroger]

Congrats, Jaylex! I hope you''re having a wonderful day.

 

[mary poppins]

Congratulations, Jaylex!! I hope you and FI (hubby by now?) are enjoying your day!!

 

[onedrop]

I hope everything went well and you are enjoying your first hours of wedded bliss.