Does sentimental win here?

[pyramid]

Okay scenario

Woman has engagement ring she is not happy with the quality of it, has had it two years, nothing to do with size, price, just quality of the diamonds. Shop she got it from would let her get another for not much more, she was unhappy with it when she first got it and they went back about six months later and got another of same price range complaining to shop she didn''t like quality, store does not grade and did not offer her a loupe or advice on 4Cs or so after studying it at home she found it was same quality, same shop so going to be same, not a certified diamond. Now one year later fiance will not letter her go back for another of better quality and pay a bit more, not thousands maybe about $600. She is very unhappy because she wants to love her ring. She has been told by fiance that she can buy more diamonds for other hand. However she wants the engagement ring to be good quality.


His story is it was a gift from him, he is sentimental about it - she never really knew that. He says it is her original engagement ring, but she says it is not because they changed it half a year later. He doesn''t want to spend any more money on it and says no way it is getting changed. He says she can get more diamonds later for her other hand but not change the engagement ring. She is very unhappy about this and feels stuck. He will not discuss she tries to compare it to him getting a computer he has to keep for life but he says that has no relevance because after a few years it would not work. She doesn''t want to let it go because she feels her ring should be good quality and feels it is less than other people around her has, even though she doesn''t actually know what quality their diamonds are but is assuming they are not like hers. He cannot see anything in the diamond or any fault with it even when she gives him a loupe and points it out to him.

So what do they do, which one wins, does his sentimentality and the fact he sees it as a gift from him win or should be able she get another ring in place of this one and not separate ones for right-hand rings? Is she right and he should change his opinion, but I can''t see that happening. She can''t get past this and says she doesn''t want a more expensive or bigger ring just one the same of good quality. I think it is either feathers or carbon or something she is seeing in the diamond something to do with clarity that he can''t see with a loupe.

 

[Ellen]

If he is that adamant, I''d let it go. I also might not wear it, which might change his mind, or not.

This is such a sticky wicket. I don''t know that there is a right or wrong answer....

 

[decodelighted]

Has she offered to pay the difference *herself*? That might go along way in showing how important it is to her.

I''m also super tempted to suggest she just change it out & keep her mouth shut. Since he''d probably never know the diff. -- BUT, that''s wrong. I couldn''t do it myself ... but if I had a hubby so stubborn & non-negotiable I''d certainly be *tempted*!

(I don''t really buy the "sentimental" card he''s playing ... it''s NOT the original stone after all. I think it''s a power struggle plain & simple)

 

[monarch64]

It sounds like the quality of her stone really, really bothers her to the point that she is now comparing it to others...that''s never good. Maybe they could compromise by keeping her original stone and re-setting it into a pendant? He said he would get her diamonds for her other hand, so what''s the difference in keeping the original stone but using it in a different way? It''s unfortunate he''s so sentimental about this original stone, it''s making the whole thing really difficult! I don''t think there''s a right or wrong answer, I just think the two need to find a compromise so they can both feel good about the diamond she ends up wearing on her left hand.

 

[KimberlyH]

Wow, that''s such a tough call. My DH is sentimental about my center stone, but he knows I intend to upgrade one day and can deal with it, even though it doesn''t thrill him.

I think if I were in her shoes I''d just let it go.

 

[pyramid]

Thanks all. No she can''t put it in a pendant, I suggested that one. He doesn''t mind buying her other diamonds later, she could pay herself but I don''t know if she has thought of that, however he would say not to change the engagement ring but she can buy for her other hand, or earrings, pendant. He does seem to be sentimental I think, either that or he thinks there is nothing wrong with the diamonds because he can''t see anything with the loupe. He also said to her that other people are not changing their rings. The store assistant had said to them when they changed it the first time, no diamond is perfect there will be flaws in them all, so I think he may be thinking of that, but she doesn''t know if he remembers that part. He said to her it has nothing to do with the quality, it is the fact it was a gift that is important. Maybe it is a man thing I don''t know.

She will have to give up I think but maybe it is a power struggle and that is why she won''t give in. I don''t know if there is a right here. I can see the sentimental part but then if it was my ring I know I would feel the same as her because I am the one who is against feathers.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 7/18/2007 9:08:32 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Wow, that's such a tough call. My DH is sentimental about my center stone, but he knows I intend to upgrade one day and can deal with it, even though it doesn't thrill him.

I think if I were in her shoes I'd just let it go.

Oh yes he even told her she could get a large stone someday, but that is for people who have been married for years and not starting out with other things to pay for. Oh and I never said incase you don't know but this is in the UK so larger diamonds are not the norm where she is. Ofcourse her thing is she doesn't want a larger stone or a lot more expensive she would be happy with the one she has if it was better quality.

 

[FireGoddess]

It is a toughie. I can see both POVs.

Ellen said: If he is that adamant, I''d let it go. I also might not wear it, which might change his mind, or not.

I tend to agree with her. Speaking as the woman, if he is really adamant about not changing it and it offending him to do so, I guess I''d accept that. However if the ring really bothered me I would NOT wear it. That might bother him more. I do agree wtih deco though - it ISN''T the original ring...so is this really about the sentimentality, or what?

 

[ladyciel]

I wonder if some of it is ego. He may feel like her repeatedly rejecting "his gift" is actually a stab at him - that what he gave her wasn''t good enough. If she doesn''t realize that dissing the diamond is probably hurting his feelings (and not for sentimental reasons), her approach to convincing him of the upgrade may actually make things worse!

 

[pyramid]

I don''t think she would not wear it but I don''t know. Maybe it more than sentimentality but that his what he has told her. I know that I don''t like to see things in a diamond with a loupe like feathers but I have never see her diamond under the loupe and I cannot see anything with the naked eye in it. It is only about a third carat I think. I just wondered if he thinks the looking with magnification and all that is silly because he can''t see it and she says he couldn''t see it under her loupe. Maybe if the diamond was larger he would see it and act different. I told her she would just have to let it go and if she got another ring for the right hand wear it occasionally on her left finger and then increase the times. She said though it wouldn''t feel like her engagement ring so maybe she is the sentimental one but she would like a replacement ring if he would agree to it.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/18/2007 9:16:18 PM
Author: Pyramid

Date: 7/18/2007 9:08:32 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Wow, that''s such a tough call. My DH is sentimental about my center stone, but he knows I intend to upgrade one day and can deal with it, even though it doesn''t thrill him.

I think if I were in her shoes I''d just let it go.

Oh yes he even told her she could get a large stone someday, but that is for people who have been married for years and not starting out with other things to pay for. Oh and I never said incase you don''t know but this is in the UK so larger diamonds are not the norm where she is. Ofcourse her thing is she doesn''t want a larger stone or a lot more expensive she would be happy with the one she has if it was better quality.

In light of the information you shared that she can upgrade down the line, I''d definitely just let it go, and then I''d hold him to the promise that she can get a bigger stone down the road.

 

[FireGoddess]

Trying to flip the coin here - is this a mind clean thing? The stone doesn''t have any visible flaws but she''s obsessed with the color or clarity? Or the cut quality?

 

[pyramid]

Yes she said she can''t see it without the loupe. I had told her long ago about feathers and that they may get worse and I think that has something to do with it, but she says there is two tiny carbon spots in the diamond she doesn''t like also.

 

[dtnyc]

If it''s not the original stone he proposed with I don''t understand the sentimental attachment?

Perhaps he is just offended at the thought that someone is trying to tell him he didn''t do enough homework before buying the stone (or before choosing a vendor for that matter?)

If I was her I would just switch the stone on my own if I could afford to-

 

[pyramid]

Date: 7/18/2007 9:48:29 PM
Author: dtnyc
If it''s not the original stone he proposed with I don''t understand the sentimental attachment?

Perhaps he is just offended at the thought that someone is trying to tell him he didn''t do enough homework before buying the stone (or before choosing a vendor for that matter?)

If I was her I would just switch the stone on my own if I could afford to-

She chose the ring and they both went (I think) to pick it up, in the UK most times I here people do that, not often I here about the man doing the legwork. He proposed to her after that with the ring. I think she chose the store too maybe.

 

[chiefneil]

Sorry to be the dissenter here, but she sounds way too materialistic and image-conscious. Sentiment definitely wins in my book, not because I personally feel that way but because her partner has made his feelings abundantly clear.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 7/18/2007 11:06:38 PM
Author: chiefneil
Sorry to be the dissenter here, but she sounds way too materialistic and image-conscious. Sentiment definitely wins in my book, not because I personally feel that way but because her partner has made his feelings abundantly clear.

Thanks chiefneil

I don''t know about image-conscious though because she wants the same size ring and nobody else can see these marks in the diamond but her with magnification.

 

[suzi]

I think this sounds like a bit of buyer''s remorse on her part, combined with a bit of stubborn male pride on his part. That''s not a good combination. I had a friend who went with her fiance to pick out her own ring, and actually liked it when she got it! A few months later, she saw other friends getting erings from their boyfriends (other shapes of stones, bigger stones, different types of settings, etc...) and became dissatisfied with her own. She wanted to change hers, too...not even to spend a significant amout of money or anything, just a minor upgrade to get a different shape/style. He didn''t want to, claiming sentimental reasons as well. She ended up keeping the original ring, and after a while, she got over her dissatisfaction, mostly I think because her other friends all had their erings by now and there was nothing "new" for her to compare her ring to anymore.

I think the lady in question probably got burned by the same thing many other people do...she got her initial ring before she had aquired a lot of knowledge about diamonds. Now that she knows that there are criteria for comparing stones which might make her stone seem inferior in some way, she''s wanting a better stone. Nothing wrong with that, UNLESS it''s going to cause issues with her fiance. If he really truly is sentimental about this ring, and he has promised her future upgrades, RH rings and the like...I think she should just suck it up and wear this ring, and focus on the intentions with which it was given and honor it sybmolizes. Someone loved her and cherished her enough to promise to make her his wife, and ultimately THAT is what the ring stands for. It sounds like she has many more bigger and better diamonds in her future, and I think she should probably make the best of the situation and focus on that, and put her loupe away for now.

 

[pyramid]

Thanks sipper.

I think it is just the quality, I think she changed the first ring because of the feathers, I had said a while ago about them being like cracks and may open further, because I didn't like them.

I think this ring is now about the carbon or black spots as she said. I don't think it has anything to do with anyone elses rings just that she wants the inside/magnification of hers to be better.

I think it is also that she feels why should it be his way and not her way because it is her ring and she has to wear it.

 

[suzi]

I think I''ve posted my own story before, but I had a similar thing happen...I wasn''t happy with my first diamond, either. So I upgraded it. I really didn''t want to change the setting so much, just the stone...but the setting was built specifically for the diamond and I had to change both just to get a getter stone. I''ve lived to regret that decision many times, because I''ve been able to upgrade a couple of times since then, but I will never have that original ring he gave me. I would love to have it now, if for no other reason so I could give it to my daughter someday and tell her it was the ring her father proposed with. But alas...it''s long gone because I couldn''t be patient and wait until I could afford to upgrade AND keep the original ring intact. At the time, I didn''t think I was sentimental about the ring, either...

 

[Pandora II]

UK view here - with a 0.30ct I doubt very much if he would notice if she just switched it. I believe that what the mind doesn't know the heart doesn't grieve after - she should buy a new stone herself and get them switched - it's not as though it was the original stone anyway!

It will just drive her nuts if she sticks with it and doesn't change it if she's already unhappy.

Most men in the UK really don't get the bling thing. I've been educating mine and he is now obsessed with other girls e-rings. He eyes them up and then comes and tells me what he thinks of the quality - he's getting pretty good at it too!

This is very unusual - most of them it's a green stone, a blue stone or a see-through stone all of which are madly expensive for something so tiny and why don't we want a flat screen tv instead

.

 

[pyramid]

Yes Pandora but she will not switch it as much as she wants her way, she wants him to be for it too, I think she really would like if it was the original engagement ring and it was good quality, I think she is sentimental too but is stuck and a bit angry that he does not think the same way as her about it. She has mentioned it before and says she will leave it and mention it again in a few months, but I think there will not be any change. He is firm with what he thinks and she is with what she is.

 

[Pandora II]

Hmm, in that case I think she will just have to live with it.

It really shows that it pays to spend time looking - I am horrified how many of my friends walk into the first jewellers they see and buy a 'forever' ring the same afternoon.

 

[suzi]

Date: 7/19/2007 11:14:53 AM
Author: Pandora II
Hmm, in that case I think she will just have to live with it.

It really shows that it pays to spend time looking - I am horrified how many of my friends walk into the first jewellers they see and buy a ''forever'' ring the same afternoon.

Yup, and that goes back to what I said in a previous post about buyer''s remorse. I wish I had known what I know now about diamonds when I first got engaged. I would have had a ring I was satisfied with the first time. Not saying I wouldn''t have upgraded down the road, but I would have upgraded when we could afford to do it without giving up the original ring. My original ering wasn''t huge, it was only 1/2 carat. At the time I wasn''t thinking about getting the size or quality or anything. My mind was more on actually getting engaged and planning a future with my soon-to-be hubby. It wasn''t until AFTER we were married that I started looking at my ring and wishing I had a better diamond. Even then, it wasn''t so much that I wanted bigger, but I just wanted more sparkle or more pizazz or something. I guess without knowing there was such a thing as better cut quality I was looking for that. So my hubby told me to go ahead and change it. Originally I had just planned to have them put a better quality diamond in the original setting, but for some reason the jeweler said it would be better just to go with a whole new ring. So that''s what I did, and traded the old one for a new one. Yes, the setting was very similar to the original (I was probably the only one who even noticed that it was different). And for a while I was happy. It wasn''t until a few years later, after my daughter came along that I started to regret my earlier decision. I think becoming a mother activated my sentimentality genes or something.

I guess I''m just kind of sad, because I have my grandmother''s original ering setting, and my mother''s original ering setting, along with my MIL''s wedding ring. I would have liked to give them all to my daughter someday, along with MY original ering. But I guess she''ll have to make do with one of my other diamonds. I actually think she already has her eye on the princess cut solitaire my husband bought me for out 10th anniversary. So I guess she won''t be TOO disapointed.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/19/2007 9:09:39 AM
Author: Pyramid
I think she changed the first ring because of the feathers, I had said a while ago about them being like cracks and may open further, because I didn''t like them.

No offense, Pyramid ... but do you think you''re adding fuel to her fire? Sounds like she was just fine with feathers until you said how *you* felt about them. Maybe she''s unduly influenced by other people''s opinions & just reassuring her would go a long way in putting her mind at ease.

Maybe she should research the LIKELIHOOD of feathers opening further ... it''s as if she now thinks she has a ticking time bomb on her hand. I wouldn''t like that feeling either. I''m just not sure how ACCURATE that is ... and it''s silly for her to go around worrying herself sick over possible misinformation.

I also worry that if she''s picked "wrong" twice -- there''s NO guarantee she wouldn''t find something ELSE to worry about in the next stone. With new information coming in all the time ... she might decide it''s badly cut or too deep or whatever. The husband may not have realized how badly his feelings were hurt until AFTER the first switch ... now he''s like NOT AGAIN!!! I sympathize with his side too. There''s no perfect house, no perfect person, no perfect diamond. Just different worries.

 

[Fly Girl]

She should let it go for now. Sounds like a mind clean thing. There is so much time ahead, so many birthdays and anniversaries. Just wait and see. In the meantime, she can get something pretty for her other hand.

 

[suzi]

Good points, deco. Your post made me think about how much we allow other people's opinions and perceptions to influence our perceptions of our own rings. I never gave the size of my diamond much though until I started reading the posts here (especially on SMTR threads). I always thought mine was huge...and it WAS huge compared to most of the people I know in real life, and compared to my old ering (my new one is more than twice as large as my old one). It's not that I have DSS exactly. I'm not sure I would even want a diamond bigger than the one I've got, because this one seems to look just perfect on my hand. But every once in a while I catch myself thinking that my diamond isn't really all that big comparitively to some of the ones I see posted on here. I sometimes wonder what some of you that are blessed to have those 2+ and 3+ carat honkers would think about MINE if you saw it! Sorry, I don't mean to sound jealous here, and it's just a passing thought that I have occasionally, but it's there just the same. I don't think I would have ever really thought about that if I hadn't found this website and seen all of the lovely and HUGE diamonds that some of you have.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 7/19/2007 12:11:07 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/19/2007 9:09:39 AM
Author: Pyramid
I think she changed the first ring because of the feathers, I had said a while ago about them being like cracks and may open further, because I didn''t like them.

No offense, Pyramid ... but do you think you''re adding fuel to her fire? Sounds like she was just fine with feathers until you said how *you* felt about them. Maybe she''s unduly influenced by other people''s opinions & just reassuring her would go a long way in putting her mind at ease.

I have worried about that, that I should never have said it, but I was talking then about my jewellery not hers. However this was like years ago before she even got hers I think, but there again she does have a loupe. I think she is just interested in diamonds herself anyway. I have been trying to get her off the topic and see that he won''t change his mind because that is his beliefs on the subject.

 

[Rocksport]

What a dilema

She: I want wonderful ring
Him: I think it is wonderful

After reading the other posts, I have to come down on the side of him on this one. If it is making her this sad then is her relationship with him really worth only $600. Yes there is feelings and emotions involved which you can''t really equite to a cash value, but if she has been promised more later then she should accept that (and remember to get that), get over it and not get to caught up in it and ruin her relationship with her man for that price.

Maybe you should talk about the good points about her ring to her without bringing your likes and dislikes into it, otherwise there are her thoughts, his thoughts and your thoughts influeincing it

 

[pyramid]

Thanks Rocksport. Good point.