Do you love your in-laws?

[Rosebloom]

I love reading all these responses. I do love my parents-in-law. I love very easily, though, I guess, as I would say there are probably 20+ people in my life I love. But they are truly great. The first several years were a major adjustment - they are so different from my parents - but especially when I had kids I came to realize that the kind of parents we want to be is somewhere in between my parents and his. That helped me appreciate them more deeply. I am very, very fortunate.

Interesting that they do not have a daughter and I think my MIL and I have a special bond because of that. I wonder how often that is the case.

I do have one in law that I do not love. I have tried and tried. But he's a total mess. I pity him and worry about him but no love sadly.

 

[pregcurious]

No. She's not a nice person, she's hard/nigh impossible to get along w/, and I have neither the time nor the patience to kowtow to her.

Getting towards this myself.

 

[4ever]

No. They are wonderful people and brilliant parents to DH however I do have trouble letting people close enough to "love" them. Also the do live overseas and we Skype every week however we've not really spent much time together in person.

I'd say DH feels the same about my parents except he seems them every week.

 

[ckrickett]

I ADORE My Future MIL. She is a marvelous woman, and is so welcoming and wonderful.

 

[mrs-b]

When I first met them, 36 years ago, I thought they were wonderful. DH and I were at university together and very young, but I remember trying to put my best foot forward and thinking what a great family it would be to marry into!

It took about a year for me to realize they couldn't stand me. And over that time I got to see a whole other side to them. My DH and I were at our own 25th wedding anniversary party by the time we INSISTED they let both me and my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) into the 'family photos' being taken that day. 'Family' means parents and off-spring to them - nobody else! Things got complicated when their kids had their own kids, because, of course, they wanted their grandkids in photos, too, so had to let in the non-blood related parents of those kids. But since DH and I have no children, they were able to lock me out pretty comprehensively for...well...the whole time, really.

I find them cold and arrogant. They have visited us a number of times in the US and I caught DH's mother smacking my dog (the one for whom I had a memorial pendant made and who I loved and still love - literally - more than life itself). He was about 9 months old, and I saw her smack him on the nose when he put his paws up on the kitchen counter next to her as she was cooking. He always kept me company when I cooked, and was more than welcome to stand up and see what I was doing! I was standing next to her and I remember to this day being INCENSED and looking her dead in the eye and saying very calmly, "We don't smack the puppy. We. Never. Smack. The. Puppy."

We've had a few visits since then, but generally my DH goes home to Australia alone to see them - not often, but a couple of times. They're meant to be coming out again in the middle of this year, but for the first time we've asked them to stay in a nearby hotel. They have plenty of money and can afford it, but we have 2 young dogs, now - both 1 year old - VERY boisterous and strong - and 120 lbs in total. They would knock my 80 year old MIL over every time they approached her, and we just can't take the risk. I'm not sure if they'll still come - I hope not. They do genuinely love my husband - but not enough to love the person he married. I remember his mother telling me one day that she wasn't a very affectionate person and didn't enjoy guests etc. I didn't 'get it' early on - but I do now. Very successful, arrogant, self interested family. Impossible to break into. I would have loved to - but there was never any chance.

 

[Gussie]

@mrs-b, I am sorry for you. Hugs. Crazy how families of origin are all so different.

No I don't believe I "love" my in laws. I care for them, sure. But knowing that neither his mother or father has EVER said, "I love you" to DH, not even as a child really helps me understand cold on a whole new level. Rigid, unforgiving, judgmental, hypocritically pious, they have so many traits that I can't stand. It's a wonder DH is loving and kind.

 

[marymm]

I never loved my FIL; he and my DH had an estranged relationship for several decades but for some reason FIL thought very highly of me; it used to incense me that he was nice to me but ignored my DH. In the end, FIL and DH reconciled and my DH was FIL's caregiver - DH and I were at his bedside when FIL died about 10 years ago.

As for SIL and BIL, nope, do not love them at all. They are self-centered and rather clueless, and I find their company boring and boorish. Purposefully I rarely ever see SIL, and I limit my encounters with BIL to once/twice a year.

My MIL is a strange woman. For many many years I was courteous and thoughtful but had no true affection or love for her, primarily because MIL showed obvious favoritism to DH's sister and brother. But DH and I have been together now for over 30 years, and DH and his mother's relationship has evolved over all of those years. Just within the last year I found myself saying to MIL, "we love you," and as I am not one to use the "love" word indiscriminately I suppose I mean it. But more, I love DH so much, and I am so glad he is the kind of son who can be tender and caring with his mom, and I am even more glad that for the past few years MIL has come to realize what a jewel my DH is.

I have always supported and encouraged DH's relationship with each of his family members, and I know MIL has finally figured that much of her wonderful relationship with DH is due to my behind-the-scenes facilitation.

 

[mrs-b]

@mrs-b, I am sorry for you. Hugs. Crazy how families of origin are all so different.

No I don't believe I "love" my in laws. I care for them, sure. But knowing that neither his mother or father has EVER said, "I love you" to DH, not even as a child really helps me understand cold on a whole new level. Rigid, unforgiving, judgmental, hypocritically pious, they have so many traits that I can't stand. It's a wonder DH is loving and kind.

Hi @ceg

I appreciate the sentiment - I truly do (like - sincerely!) - but the truth is I have a pretty rock solid self esteem and learnt to deal with 'mean girls' - in all their iterations - a long time ago. There's a key to it, for me, and it's stood me in very good stead.

As people in general - especially as women, I think - we tend to go through life asking - either consciously or unconsciously - "Do they like me??" That's our base question, and we approach relationships from that position.

But I had an experience a number of years ago now and I realized that it didn't matter if people liked ME. What matters is...

Do I like THEM?

Since the answer, when it comes to nasty people, is almost invariably 'no' - I don't much care what they think of me. I don't care for the opinions of people whom I don't respect. The judgment of an immoral, or unkind, or arrogant, or stupid person will always be off, so if that's the kind of person who dislikes me - well, ok then! I value honor in people above all things - honor, and kindness - and they're the people I like. I care for their opinions. But so long as I am straight up, respectful, and kind myself, those sorts of people will always like me. So I look to my own behavior, and it determines if I am liked by the sort of people I like. So I am in control of my own fate, relationally speaking. But I always start with the basic question -

Do I like YOU?

Works every time.

 

[Gussie]

Bum Phillips said, "half the people are going to like you, no matter what. Half the people aren't going to like you, no matter what. Stop trying to please the latter."

Sometimes football coaches have a lot of wisdom.

 

[MamaBee]

@mrs-b, I am sorry for you. Hugs. Crazy how families of origin are all so different.

No I don't believe I "love" my in laws. I care for them, sure. But knowing that neither his mother or father has EVER said, "I love you" to DH, not even as a child really helps me understand cold on a whole new level. Rigid, unforgiving, judgmental, hypocritically pious, they have so many traits that I can't stand. It's a wonder DH is loving and kind.

@ceg I think your husband is loving and kind because his parents weren’t. My mom was and is cold and never said I love you..pushing me away when young when I would want to cuddle..I still remember the feeling of being rejected. I tried to give as much love as possible to my children and has actually made me a better parent. My children are everything including my wonderful daughter-in-law. She tells me every time I see her that she loves me and me to her...which is the greatest gift..I’m so lucky..

 

[MamaBee]

Hi @ceg

I appreciate the sentiment - I truly do (like - sincerely!) - but the truth is I have a pretty rock solid self esteem and learnt to deal with 'mean girls' - in all their iterations - a long time ago. There's a key to it, for me, and it's stood me in very good stead.

As people in general - especially as women, I think - we tend to go through life asking - either consciously or unconsciously - "Do they like me??" That's our base question, and we approach relationships from that position.

But I had an experience a number of years ago now and I realized that it didn't matter if people liked ME. What matters is...

Do I like THEM?

Since the answer, when it comes to nasty people, is almost invariably 'no' - I don't much care what they think of me. I don't care for the opinions of people whom I don't respect. The judgment of an immoral, or unkind, or arrogant, or stupid person will always be off, so if that's the kind of person who dislikes me - well, ok then! I value honor in people above all things - honor, and kindness - and they're the people I like. I care for their opinions. But so long as I am straight up, respectful, and kind myself, those sorts of people will always like me. So I look to my own behavior, and it determines if I am liked by the sort of people I like. So I am in control of my own fate, relationally speaking. But I always start with the basic question -

Do I like YOU?

Works every time.

Very wise words @mrs-b!

 

[MamaBee]

When I first met them, 36 years ago, I thought they were wonderful. DH and I were at university together and very young, but I remember trying to put my best foot forward and thinking what a great family it would be to marry into!

It took about a year for me to realize they couldn't stand me. And over that time I got to see a whole other side to them. My DH and I were at our own 25th wedding anniversary party by the time we INSISTED they let both me and my sister-in-law (his brother's wife) into the 'family photos' being taken that day. 'Family' means parents and off-spring to them - nobody else! Things got complicated when their kids had their own kids, because, of course, they wanted their grandkids in photos, too, so had to let in the non-blood related parents of those kids. But since DH and I have no children, they were able to lock me out pretty comprehensively for...well...the whole time, really.

I find them cold and arrogant. They have visited us a number of times in the US and I caught DH's mother smacking my dog (the one for whom I had a memorial pendant made and who I loved and still love - literally - more than life itself). He was about 9 months old, and I saw her smack him on the nose when he put his paws up on the kitchen counter next to her as she was cooking. He always kept me company when I cooked, and was more than welcome to stand up and see what I was doing! I was standing next to her and I remember to this day being INCENSED and looking her dead in the eye and saying very calmly, "We don't smack the puppy. We. Never. Smack. The. Puppy."

We've had a few visits since then, but generally my DH goes home to Australia alone to see them - not often, but a couple of times. They're meant to be coming out again in the middle of this year, but for the first time we've asked them to stay in a nearby hotel. They have plenty of money and can afford it, but we have 2 young dogs, now - both 1 year old - VERY boisterous and strong - and 120 lbs in total. They would knock my 80 year old MIL over every time they approached her, and we just can't take the risk. I'm not sure if they'll still come - I hope not. They do genuinely love my husband - but not enough to love the person he married. I remember his mother telling me one day that she wasn't a very affectionate person and didn't enjoy guests etc. I didn't 'get it' early on - but I do now. Very successful, arrogant, self interested family. Impossible to break into. I would have loved to - but there was never any chance.

I’m sorry @mrs-b I hope they don’t visit for your sake..

 

[redwood66]

I am so sorry @mrs-b and others who don't have good relationships with their in-laws. Distance makes it easier but it still hurts. I love mine but we don't see each other much and they would never make disparaging remarks. I am pretty sure they love me too. My parents tend to be the pills.

 

[Austina]

I had nothing in common with mine, they were considerably older than me, not their fault, the war had kept them apart, so they were older parents. I think MIL was hoping DH wouldn’t marry, so he could look after them both financially and physically.

She was always going on about DHs brother and wife, mainly because they had provided grandchildren. She would have digs at me out of DHs earshot. She would ring and insist he call her straight back, and I would tell her I’d ask him to call back after he’d eaten, (he’d be out of the house 12-15 hrs a day working).

She used to continually try and invite herself over, then wouldn’t want to leave.

As the mother of a son, I’m very conscious of not being a monster-in-law, and fortunately future DIL is a very kind, caring person, who I get along well with.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

I want to. I like them. My MIL is okay but has a daughter so has never been overly accepting of me. I lost my mom at elementary age so really welcome and looked forward to a mother daughter relationship with her.

We have a respectful relationship after 27 years of marriage with her son and of course now we are relatively successful so she's good with me.

Her daughter has a son and so do we but she doesn't know our son. It's unfortunate but she prefers her daughter and daughters kid. My baby has one grandparent and she hasn't took the time to have a relationship with him. I have always overcompensated DH and I because he has the one grandparent. He will be 22 now and I'm so proud of him.

 

[missy]

Hi @ceg

I appreciate the sentiment - I truly do (like - sincerely!) - but the truth is I have a pretty rock solid self esteem and learnt to deal with 'mean girls' - in all their iterations - a long time ago. There's a key to it, for me, and it's stood me in very good stead.

As people in general - especially as women, I think - we tend to go through life asking - either consciously or unconsciously - "Do they like me??" That's our base question, and we approach relationships from that position.

But I had an experience a number of years ago now and I realized that it didn't matter if people liked ME. What matters is...

Do I like THEM?

Since the answer, when it comes to nasty people, is almost invariably 'no' - I don't much care what they think of me. I don't care for the opinions of people whom I don't respect. The judgment of an immoral, or unkind, or arrogant, or stupid person will always be off, so if that's the kind of person who dislikes me - well, ok then! I value honor in people above all things - honor, and kindness - and they're the people I like. I care for their opinions. But so long as I am straight up, respectful, and kind myself, those sorts of people will always like me. So I look to my own behavior, and it determines if I am liked by the sort of people I like. So I am in control of my own fate, relationally speaking. But I always start with the basic question -

Do I like YOU?

Works every time.

Wish I could like this post to infinity.

 

[missy]

I already answered this back in 2014 but I didn't answer for my DH. His response is yes he loves his in laws as if they are his mom and dad. My parents treat him and love him like they would a son. Lots of love here. We are very lucky.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

My parents tend to be the pills.

Same here. My in laws are loving and generous people. My parents on the other hand, are self involved and needy.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Fil was a gem who passed away much too early. Wonderful man.

Mil and I have nothing in common and are like chalk and cheese in personality. However I do appreciate her complete lack of drama so she's fantastic in that sense. She's very decent and drama free. We just have nothing to talk about and don't really "get" each other but we've never had conflict.

 

[jbake]

I love hearing about successful in-law relationships! In my friend groups, it seems like only 50% have good relationships with their in-laws. My friends have unanimously voted me as the winner of the worst in-laws.

It was putting so much strain on our marriage at one point that we saw a marriage counselor to help resolve some issues. For my husband, hearing what I said about his parents actions being abnormal being repeated by a professional was eye opening. We are now in a much better place, united as a couple and committed to our family of four above all.

I do not love them. The closest I can get is a place of gratefulness that they adopted him and brought him to the States where I could later meet and marry him. Although their attitude/expectation of him owing them for that makes my blood boil.

 

[Tekate]

Nope.

 

[MamaBee]

I love hearing about successful in-law relationships! In my friend groups, it seems like only 50% have good relationships with their in-laws. My friends have unanimously voted me as the winner of the worst in-laws.

It was putting so much strain on our marriage at one point that we saw a marriage counselor to help resolve some issues. For my husband, hearing what I said about his parents actions being abnormal being repeated by a professional was eye opening. We are now in a much better place, united as a couple and committed to our family of four above all.

I do not love them. The closest I can get is a place of gratefulness that they adopted him and brought him to the States where I could later meet and marry him. Although their attitude/expectation of him owing them for that makes my blood boil.

@jbake She’s missing out not having a close relationship with you. It sounds silly but I can tell you are such a good person. It’s her loss. I’m glad you felt validated by the marriage counselor and it helped your husband see what you've been feeling.

 

[jbake]

@jbake She’s missing out not having a close relationship with you. It sounds silly but I can tell you are such a good person. It’s her loss. I’m glad you felt validated by the marriage counselor and it helped your husband see what you've been feeling.

You are too sweet. I do love hearing about your relationship with your daughter in law, having a wonderful mother in law would be such a blessing! (As I’m sure it’s quite a relief to have a great daughter in law, too!)
Mine has social issues with just about everyone. She is estranged from 7 of her 9 siblings and is no longer speaking to her longest term friends because of some vague fallout. Her husband is a retired minister and for the last few years he was preaching, MIL refused to attend the church because of problems with the parishioners. The church averaged about 30 attendees a week.
All that to say, I’m confident the issues stem from her side, but it does make me question myself at times. I would love to have a mother in law that is even halfway normal

 

[bludiva]

both my partner and i have complicated relationships with our parents...i don't think love is the right word but we treat each other's folks with respect and kindness...

 

[MamaBee]

You are too sweet. I do love hearing about your relationship with your daughter in law, having a wonderful mother in law would be such a blessing! (As I’m sure it’s quite a relief to have a great daughter in law, too!)
Mine has social issues with just about everyone. She is estranged from 7 of her 9 siblings and is no longer speaking to her longest term friends because of some vague fallout. Her husband is a retired minister and for the last few years he was preaching, MIL refused to attend the church because of problems with the parishioners. The church averaged about 30 attendees a week.
All that to say, I’m confident the issues stem from her side, but it does make me question myself at times. I would love to have a mother in law that is even halfway normal

My oldest son was married..They divorced a year after they were married after living together four years. I found out later she hated me. Even though they divorced..it bothered me....

 

[jbake]

My oldest son was married..They divorced a year after they were married after living together four years. I found out later she hated me. Even though they divorced..it bothered me....

I’m sure it did! What a rotten thing to find out I’m sure for every mil who resents her dil needlessly, there are plenty of the opposite.

 

[KristinTech]

I very much identify with @missy and @mrs-b and several others. This book was recommended to DH and I years ago. There is an entire chapter on forgiveness. It blew my mind. It saved me (us!). I keep reminding myself that I forgave them.

It is so, so tough to live through IL difficulties. Things have gotten better through the years. There is respect and some appreciation, but I would not say love-no.