Do you live with your SO?

[Erin]

My ex and I lived together after one year of knowing each other. Almost five years later - no engagement, everything ended.
Been dating someone nine months.
I vow now to never move in with someone unless married, maybe engaged.

 

[justageek]

Date: 12/12/2007 4:39:54 PM
Author: EricaR
We''ve lived together for two years now. I know that a lot of people don''t believe in living together before marriage (or even engagement), but to be totally honest I don''t think I would have felt right getting engaged and/or married without having lived together first.


People change when they are put together day in and day out. What were little annoyances (why must you leave your shoes in the living room?) suddenly become big because they are in your face constantly. I think the first four or five months of living together were the most stressful of our whole relationship. Don''t get me wrong - it was absolutely wonderful having him there all the time, but also he was there. all. the. time... It took quite a bit of adjustment on both our parts. Just working out who would do the cooking, the shopping, the laundry, pay joint bills, etc took several months.


I know that people do it every day, but I can''t even imagine the stress of planning a wedding immediately followed by trying to adjust living with someone.


I will say though, that coming home to him at the end of the day is the best feeling in the world. I am always greeted by a hug from BF, a meow from one cat, and a snuggle from the other cat. I spend my whole day looking forward to the first five minutes I am home every evening.

I totally agree! Although I have heard some friends tell me that part of what makes the first months of marriage so fun IS that you''re getting used to each other, and marriage is still different from living together... which I sort of get the logic of.... sometimes. Anyway, because I agree with you, my bf and I have keys to each others'' places, have dinner and sleep at his apartment every night, wake up to each other, share a dresser, share bathroom things, clean the apt. together, take turns washing dishes and/or cooking, doing grocery shopping, etc. It''s just... I can''t make myself actually live together (in the sense of not having my own apartment as an option -- albeit one I never use) until engagement. It sounds silly. and it costs me a fortune.

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve been living with FI for 3 years now.

He gave me a bunch of roses and a set of house keys after a month and asked me to move in a month later.

I had been very ill for 2 years and was living at home with my parents for the first time in 12 years, and they had been getting very worried about my lack of social life and how I would get back on track when I recovered. I had been living abroad for 8 years before and so had no friend network in the UK (I was at boarding school and my parents live in the middle of no-where so no local friends at all).

When I met FI, my parents were so relieved and they liked him instantly which helped. At 32, I wasn''t exactly going to worry what they thought anyway - I had lived with 3 previous ex''s anyway...

A year later, he sold me half the house, and we get married next July.

I couldn''t ever marry a man I hadn''t lived with. I need to know what they are like on a daily basis. I''m also very obsessive about my hobbies, pretty untidy and need a lot of space and ''me time'', a lot of people would find that hard to live with. Luckily FI is exactly the same - so we have a cleaning lady and give each other lots of space at home.

If you are having to go out to see each other that kind of thing is hard to gauge.

My sister married a man she hadn''t lived with and they are so uncompatible. They have had huge problems throughout their marriage and honestly I don''t think they will ever be really happy together.


I also love the fact that when I get married, nothing will change except a new surname and piece of bling on my finger! I wasn''t happy to have children outside marriage, but other than that I''m pretty untraditional.

My parents have mixed feelings on living together that depend completely on whether or not they like the bf or gf. My father normally hates all boyfriends and makes it VERY obvious, so it was a huge shock that he liked FI so much. My mother did always tell us all not to marry anyone without living with them for at least a year before getting engaged though.

I do think that it is important if you live together, that you get engaged or married because you BOTH REALLY want to and not because you are just used to each other, or because it''s too much hassle to think of splitting up or moving out. It is much easier to fall into a marriage if you live together than if you don''t. I think that probably skews the figures on divorce among co-habiting couples and non-cohabiting couples before marriage.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Me and my SO live together. We''ve lived together for a year and a half and it''s great!! We had to spend about a a month and a half living at my parents between apartments which was pretty stressful but it worked out ok. My parent''s don''t have a problem with us living together, they help us move in all the time and with groceries once in a while so that is nice. Our lease is for 6 months at the place we are at now and then month to month after that as we may have to relocate for me to find a job (hopefully not *crosses fingers*) great topic!

 

[violet02]

Date: 12/12/2007 5:02:08 PM
Author: Starset Princess
My ex and I lived together after one year of knowing each other. Almost five years later - no engagement, everything ended.
Been dating someone nine months.
I vow now to never move in with someone unless married, maybe engaged.

I feel exactly the same way. I have lived with FIVE boyfriends in the past. Two I thought might be ''the ones'' and all of them ended pretty poorly. Only 2 of those were serious serious live-ins but still.... anyways my current SO and I do not live together. I said we could do it AFTER we get engaged. We''ll be getting engaged very soon here and even then we probably still won''t move in together for another 4-6 months. I''m in no rush, I want to take my time and get it right this time around.

 

[mirre]

sunnyd, I''ve got one that tops your''s

. My friend that is getting married this Saturday (I''m a bridesmaid... I can''t wait! I''ve always wanted to be a bridesmaid... guess I''m a dork like that) She and her fiance moved in together after two weeks. have been together little over two years. I was like "Holy cow I thought 5 months sounded soon!" And as she put it to me "When you know, you know." So I guess we each know when it feels like it would be a good fit and it isn''t confound to time boundries.

 

[mimzy]

my FI and i don''t live together. for the first two and a half years we were about 50 minutes away from each other and only saw each other on weekends - then when i graduated i moved to his town where he lives with his parents, which is about 30 mins away from my new grad school. We had always said that we were wait until we were married to move in together, both because we are waiting till then to get *cough*intimate*cough* and also because we wanted it to be a whole new experience. Well, now his parents are pissed that he is constantly over at my place and never home to do things he has to do there and i''m paying 800 a month out of loan money to live where i am (including bills, etc). so we''ve thrown around the idea of moving in together before we get married next winter and we''ve gone back and forth on it, but i think we are still going to hold off. it bums me out a little bit, but i think it will be worth it in the end

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 12/13/2007 8:55:38 AM
Author: mirre
sunnyd, I''ve got one that tops your''s

. My friend that is getting married this Saturday (I''m a bridesmaid... I can''t wait! I''ve always wanted to be a bridesmaid... guess I''m a dork like that) She and her fiance moved in together after two weeks. have been together little over two years. I was like ''Holy cow I thought 5 months sounded soon!'' And as she put it to me ''When you know, you know.'' So I guess we each know when it feels like it would be a good fit and it isn''t confound to time boundries.

when you know, you DO know!!! i had been out of a 4 year relationship for a month when i met my current BF, and 1 month later we were living together. some of my friends were like WHOA!!!

and hey, if it had been anyone else, i would have been like WHOA!!!

too! but i wouldn''t have it any other way.

your friend has the record though, 2 weeks!!! hehehe... i wanna be a bridesmaid, all my stupid friends are already married!

i''m the baby of the group. have funnnn!!!

 

[Sassee]

Date: 12/11/2007 3:45:47 PM
Author: gwendolyn
We live apart. I am living at grad school, and he is living with his parents to save money for next year when I finish grad school and we get a place together. He currently lives a 4-hour train ride away from me (he''s in northern England, and I go to uni in southern England). This is an improvement over the last 3 years, when I''ve been living in the US and he in the UK.

We have a fair number of important things to work through still, which are complicated by the fact that my whole life is in the US and his is in the UK--we still have to figure out where we want to live, where we want to get married, whether he wants to keep the family business (limiting us to his hometown) or if he wants to do something else (opening up other options)... Anyway, I''m in no rush to get married just yet, and want us to live together first in whichever country we decide to live in first.

For this year, I will be spending most of my winter break (3 weeks of it) with his family, and possibly spring break (4 weeks) as well, so it''s sort of like living with his parents....which isn''t the best situation. His parents are nice and all; they''re just...parents...

Geez Gwen - and I thought my life was complicated with a fiance who is an hour away! Shame on me! I have NOTHING to complain about!! We are also doing the whole "looking to the future" thing and making big life decisions.

One of the biggest life-changers, is that I will be giving up my career as a corporate lawyer to move to the property with him (an hour or so away from the city) as he has a business that really can''t be "moved" to the city! I''ve been practicing for 4 years now, and by the time I resign in December 08 (6 months after we marry) I''ll have worked for 5 years. I never even intended to practice as a lawyer, so the fact that I''ve made it to 5 years is enough of a milestone for me!

I''ll be moving down there and taking over the admin side of his business which is in major need of some attention!! But its funny - its still going to take a massive adjustment for me to move to the property and live a semi-rural lifestyle. Its not what I''m used to, and I really won''t have any friends there. My life has always been in the city, and that''s where my support network is. I suppose I am just SO fortunate hat it is only an hour''s drive from my parents/friends/family, and really good shopping in Melbourne. He he. Oh and the coffee in his town is actually really good too, so I can''t complain (its a winery/foodie region so its a bit chi-chi and full of total yuppies on the weekend!!)

Anyway, back on topic. We are "sort of" living together. Due to the circumstances outlined above, he spends most of his time an hour away from me on a family property. We are renting an apartment in the city. He pays half and spends weekends on and off, and the occasional trip up during the week. We find it VERY difficult not to just have the daily contact. But we''ve been doing this for 5.5 years (when I first met him I lived with my parents, and we then got the apartment 2 years ago).

 

[Pandora II]

I think I might have the record actually: with one of my ex's - he moved in with me after a week.

We lasted 7 years, before I left - we were both too young and after college wanted different things, but longer than a lot of marriages! Mind you my parents were engaged 2 weeks after they met and have been together 36 happy years so far...


The one to top them all is a girl I know who got engaged after 4 days

(she didn't know him before they met) - and married 10 weeks later. They've now been together 3 years and their daughter was born 4 weeks ago.

 

[justageek]

Um... my parents went on 3 dates in 4 days, meeting for the first time on a blind date. On the third date, my now-dad proposed to my now-mom, and that was it. They got married that weekend! Not an arranged marriage, and still together after almost 25 years. I think that might take the cake...

 

[emilina22]

were young im 20 (turning 21 in like 4 days!!!) and hes 22 (turning 23 on the 26th!!) and well we both made a decision, as a couple and personally to not live together before we get married. we were both believe in waiting until marriage, and im proud of that, and so we choose not to live together, i mean after we get married we have our whole lives to live together so whats another year or so to wait. i know a lot of people these days say its better to test out the living arrangements before you get married to see how compatible we are or what ever. but the truth is i know how he lives, im over at his house enough to see what his living habits are, and same with him. i dont think that after being with someone for almost 6 years that there will be too many new surpries.

so nope we dont live together and its all good!

plus since i live at home still, my mom still has a chance to teach me some of her awesome recipes!

 

[sunnyd]

stupid error!!

justageek''s parents - WINNERS!!!

though back then was it really such a shock? my parents started dating in june and were married in february. they were almost 20 and almost 21. 26 crazy years later...

last weekend one of their friends told them he was proposing to his girlfriend of 5 months (though they''d known each other for 30 years - they''re both in their 50s), and they were like ALREADY?! ahh how the times change!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 12/14/2007 10:38:06 AM
Author: emilina22
were young im 20 (turning 21 in like 4 days!!!) and hes 22 (turning 23 on the 26th!!) and well we both made a decision, as a couple and personally to not live together before we get married. we were both believe in waiting until marriage, and im proud of that, and so we choose not to live together, i mean after we get married we have our whole lives to live together so whats another year or so to wait. i know a lot of people these days say its better to test out the living arrangements before you get married to see how compatible we are or what ever. but the truth is i know how he lives, im over at his house enough to see what his living habits are, and same with him. i dont think that after being with someone for almost 6 years that there will be too many new surpries.

so nope we dont live together and its all good!

plus since i live at home still, my mom still has a chance to teach me some of her awesome recipes!

I thought the same thing. However, let me give you an example of something that I knew he did, but didn''t know would bother me so much till I lived with him. When my boyfriend comes home from work, he changes out of his suit into lounge wear. When he takes off his suit pants, change drops out of the pocket and all over the floor. Do you think that he picks it up? Seriously, if I didn''t pick it up our apartment would look like a change pit. I knew this about him before I lived with him and didn''t think it would bother me. His apartment was like that before and I spent most of my time there, so why did it matter once we moved in together? I don''t have an answer to that question. Maybe because it wasn''t my responsibility before and now it is (to keep the place clean).

I''ll tell you what I do now though. I pick the change up off the floor and tell him how much money I made off of him that day. Now it is funny, when I hear the change hit the floor he grabs it before I have a chance to get it.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:36:32 PM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 12/14/2007 10:38:06 AM
Author: emilina22
were young im 20 (turning 21 in like 4 days!!!) and hes 22 (turning 23 on the 26th!!) and well we both made a decision, as a couple and personally to not live together before we get married. we were both believe in waiting until marriage, and im proud of that, and so we choose not to live together, i mean after we get married we have our whole lives to live together so whats another year or so to wait. i know a lot of people these days say its better to test out the living arrangements before you get married to see how compatible we are or what ever. but the truth is i know how he lives, im over at his house enough to see what his living habits are, and same with him. i dont think that after being with someone for almost 6 years that there will be too many new surpries.

so nope we dont live together and its all good!

plus since i live at home still, my mom still has a chance to teach me some of her awesome recipes!

I thought the same thing. However, let me give you an example of something that I knew he did, but didn't know would bother me so much till I lived with him. When my boyfriend comes home from work, he changes out of his suit into lounge wear. When he takes off his suit pants, change drops out of the pocket and all over the floor. Do you think that he picks it up? Seriously, if I didn't pick it up our apartment would look like a change pit. I knew this about him before I lived with him and didn't think it would bother me. His apartment was like that before and I spent most of my time there, so why did it matter once we moved in together? I don't have an answer to that question. Maybe because it wasn't my responsibility before and now it is (to keep the place clean).

I'll tell you what I do now though. I pick the change up off the floor and tell him how much money I made off of him that day. Now it is funny, when I hear the change hit the floor he grabs it before I have a chance to get it.

it's such a funny thing. and it's different for everyone, but sometimes it can be the little annoying habits that can break up people!!! even the most devoted loving couples!! the annoying things you find cute at the beginning of a relationship can become stupid and irritating after living with it for a while. especially when you fight, you think about the stupid thing and it makes you even more angry!! like a buyer-beware!!

ETA: lol, let me tell you about my experience...just kidding.

 

[sparkleandshine]

oooh, this is a good topic! I lived with my ex for a year and a half, but he turned out not to be the one. When my soon-to-be FI and I started dating I promised myself I wouldn''t live with anyone else until I was engaged. That lasted maybe two weeks, since my mom was driving me crazy!!! He owns his own condo, and since neither of us feel right about me paying into his equity (when we get a house together it will be different) I was able to go back to school and only work a part time job to pay my bills and buy groceries. It makes sense, even though we have to keep it from my mom, which makes for some awkward family get togethers. We have a dog together and live in sinful bliss, even if he does throw all his dirty clothes on the floor. If I had gotten my own apartment I would constantly be tallying the wasted money every month.

 

[misscuppycake]

I don''t live with my boyfriend. I would really like to wait until marriage for that.

 

[Pandora II]

I was talking to a friend the other day who has one of the best stories I''ve heard - and maybe hard to beat...

She was 23 and at a party and got talking to a guy. After an hour or so, he said he had to go and that he was flying out to Africa for a few years at the end of the week, so would she like to marry him?

She said yes, they drove to her parents house to break the news. Her mother said they would have to start thinking about a date for the wedding - oh no, she says, we''re getting married on Monday (this was Friday).

They got married on the Monday, flew out to Africa and she spent 3 years living in a tent and studying hyenas!

They have 3 children and have been happily married for 33 years!

 

[Deelight]

Awwww OMG Pandora that is an awesome story how insanely romantic is that

Me personally I could never marry someone if I did not live with them, I am fairly traditional and old fashioned. To me the one you marry is the one come hell or high water (with acceptable exceptions i.e physical, mental abuse etc). So for me I want to make sure the one I choose is the right one in each and every way. Me and BF live together and have for many years but in that time we have worked out our kinks and really work well together and know that we are compatible as well as being madly head over in heels in love with one another, and have set ourselves up together financially and emotionally.

This may not be the right path for everyone but for us it is.

 

[musey]

I missed this thread on the first go-round.

When I was in my teens, I believed pretty firmly in waiting until marriage (both for sleeping together AND living together). After FI and I had been dating for awhile, the topic (of both) of course came up. So before I shared with him my ideas on it, I wanted to revisit my opinions and really dissect the reasoning behind them.

Long story short, I really couldn''t think of any tangible argument not to live together. The only thing that entered my mind was the oft-quoted statistic that couples living together before marriage are less likely to marry. Then you have to question how that statistic comes to be (and the fact that many such couples are living together in lieu of marrying, so of course many wouldn''t lead to marriage.

Anyway. Once I really questioned and re-evaluated my reasoning behind it, I came to find there were a lot more tangible reasons to live together than to not live together, especially as someone who doesn''t inherently "believe in waiting" (for religious or other reasons).

So now we have lived together for 1.6 years, and I couldn''t be happier. It was one of the best (and most surprisingly easy) choices I ever made in my relationship, and I feel that much more comfortable with it having fully thought it through beforehand.


I''ve found that a lot of things in my life that I''ve just "believed in for as long as I can remember" sort of fall apart at the seams when I really analyze my reasons for believing such things. At least I''ve reached the point in my life where I can logically question my beliefs and revise them. That''s a good thing... I think?

 

[anchor31]

As a LIW, I did not live with my then-BF. We moved in together midway through our 2-year engagement, 6 months ago. The reason why is very simple: I refused to live with a man as his wife without at least being on my way to officially becoming his wife. We moved in together in 2007 instead of waiting until marriage for very pratical reasons, I''m afraid, since we probably wouldn''t have done it otherwise. As Christians we have very traditional values. I understand and respect the opinion of everyone who prefers living with someone before considering marriage, but it wasn''t for us.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/11/2008 2:06:31 PM
Author: musey

It was one of the best (and most surprisingly easy) choices I ever made in my relationship, and I feel that much more comfortable with it having fully thought it through beforehand.

Whoops, I need to clarify this. I meant to type that the transition was easy, not that the decision was easy--though I certainly didn't write it out that way. I need to proofread better

Something else I was thinking about today is that I had pretty terrible luck with roommates. I had 3 during college, and really didn't enjoy living with any of them. That made me nervous about committing to living with someone for the rest of my life without "trying it out" first.

Turns out, he has been the best roommate so far. The others were probably just much less compatible with my lifestyle. We probably would have been just fine without living together beforehand, but I'm glad I didn't make myself wait

it's much more fun this way, and our relationship has gotten on the road to marriage a lot more quickly this way than it would have otherwise (bonus!).

 

[FrekeChild]

After living with an ex for 2 years and breaking up with him as he brought up the idea of engagement along with his mom and grandparents, I told myself that I wouldn''t live with anyone again until I was at least engaged.

What ended up happening however was quite different.

I stated dating D in April/May 2006. We stayed the night at each other''s apartments about 2-3 times a week, but we were both very determined that we wouldn''t live together just yet. He had open heart surgery in late July, and stayed with his sister for a week. I stayed there as well, sleeping on the floor of the room he was in so I could help him with anything he needed in the middle of the night. When he left her house, he was better and could take showers without someone staying in the room with him but was still pretty much helpless seeing that he couldn''t lift anything over five pounds. So I stayed with him until he could. And then the medical bills started rolling in because his insurance wouldn''t cover everything (that''s a whole other story in and of itself). At this point it was about October and he had thousands and thousands of dollars in debt that had racked up over the week he was in hospital, and we mentioned this to my parents who had recently bought a condo for me to live in. They (who are uber-religious Catholics) suggested that D "rent the second bedroom" and move into the condo with me, and he could pay them $200 a month in "rent" which would cover all of our utilities, so that he could work on paying off his medical bills. After this conversation with my parents, as we were driving back to his place and he said, "I know that you wanted to wait until we got engaged to move in together but we both know that we''ll get engaged someday, and is there any way you''d reconsider the stipulation of being engaged before moving in together?" And I changed my mind.

He moved in December 31, 2006 and there hasn''t been a minute that I''ve regretted it.

 

[Haven]

My FI and I do not live together. We''ve been dating since June of 2004, and engaged since September of 2007.

The only reason I have never lived with anyone before is that I never wanted to live with a guy who didn''t end up being my husband. Living with someone is so intimate, I just couldn''t imagine moving in with someone who was only a boyfriend.

That being said, now that we''re pretty darn close to married I will move in with FI ANY TIME between now and our July 2008 wedding. All we have to do is find a house and buy it!

We spend at least three nights a week at each other''s places--FI comes to my place on Wednesdays and Fridays (I''m always far too tired from work to do anything other than go home and crash) and I spend Saturdays at his place. I don''t get home from grad school until close to 10 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I usually have papers to grade and work to do, so I stay up late those nights to get my work done. I spend all day Sunday doing work once I get home from FI''s place, so I''m usually up late on Sundays, too.

I''m really excited to live together after being with him for so long. I miss him when I''m alone at my place, and I''m looking forward to creating a home with him. We''ll be blending our furbabies, too, so it''s going to be interesting to see how that works out.

 

[designchica]

I own a house and so does my boyfriend. However, I have not slept at my house in 4 months or so and for the year before that I was only staying there one or two nights a week. I have my own bedroom at his house with my own closet and dresser full of stuff and my own bathroom with all of my stuff in all of the drawers and showers, etc.

So, no, we don''t "officially" live together, but yeah, we live together.

 

[zilaras]

I am one of those "We don''t technically live together". However, since our first date 7 plus months ago I don''t think we have been apart more then a couple of days at a time. Lately, more and more of his things have crept into my apartment ( the dvds moved in last weekend)- and the past month he hasn''t spent a night out of my place (even when I went to my parents for the holidays). He still has his own place, a security blanket of sorts, but we do plan officially plan on moving in together when the lease is up in 5 months. I have never even considered living with a guy before him and it really is something that happene without real discussion. However, it has been working out wonderfully and there are minor arguments ( socks seem to appear from every direction), but overall I think it has made us stronger as couple.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:36:32 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
I''ll tell you what I do now though. I pick the change up off the floor and tell him how much money I made off of him that day. Now it is funny, when I hear the change hit the floor he grabs it before I have a chance to get it.

Ahahahaha! That''s great.

 

[junepatient]

My BF and I have been living together for almost a year (in Feb) after meeting in asia and doing the distance thing for 2 years. It was a practical decision b/c it was the only way we would live in the same state. I love the way living together helps us iron out unromanic practical concerns before we get married. Before, he was the great guy who flew cross country once a month to romance me for the weekend. This weekend we created a budget, got our credit scores and though we have some hurdles to jump together, I know now I am with a guy who doesn''t shy away from tough money conversations and is on the same page with me about houses kids education expenses etc. All this largely because we share an office and a mailbox....

 

[This_Is_Amore]

Yep, we have lived together for a year and a half, moved in after 2+ years of dating, 2+ years of friendship before that. It was a pretty natural transition- he moved to the big city nearest the college town where we met when he graduated, and when I graduated a year and a half later I joined him. When we were looking for apartments together, we were shocked at the rents in the ''cool'' parts of the city, and I exclaimed "We could buy something for that!!!". And we did

.

Hooray for the low cost of living Midwest!

Anyway, I''m from a conservative Christian family, and absolutely dreaded telling my parents. I waited until we made an offer on the condo we ended up buying, and then made that phone call. My dad''s first reponse was wanting to know when we had decided to move in together, then he just wanted details on the condo to make sure we weren''t paying too much

. It helps that my family absolutely LOVES BF!