Do you have a frenemy in your life?

[Begonia]

Ah geez YT and PG, that sucks!

This might now help much, but once I understood what the heck was going on, and could talk about it, well that helped. I forgave a lot of unacceptable behavior, instead of calling it. I'm learning to create boundaries.

It took me until my mid-40's (now) to do that.

Hot flashes and night sweats are giving me a 'What the Cluck' attitude

 

[mimi123]

Hot flashes and night sweats are giving me a 'What the Cluck' attitude [/quote]

ROFL !! I must remember that one! Have to agree with you Begonia, once you reach a certain age, it becomes easier to drop the "excess" baggage you've been dragging along with you. I had a childhood friend who I dropped many years ago though she found me again some years later and I let her back into my life which was a mistake. We always had different characters, and over the years the differences became more apparent and we just had nothing in common anymore. Second time around the "separation" was easier.

 

[JewelFreak]

How do you do that with a brother???

 

[Begonia]

How do you do that with a brother???

I've been there too. Years ago.

My brother was being controlling and manipulative. With the help of a counsellor, I wrote him a letter and we had a 'separation' for a year. At the end of the year, I was willing to be back in touch and try the relationship on new terms, if he was as well.

It helped our relationship.

He seems to stop himself now, when his natural tendencies to control and manipulate start to take over.

If he goes over the line, I put some distance there for a while. Not being passive aggressive about it, just some distance so we can cool off and take stock, so to speak.

Sometimes though, I do believe that you have to say you love them, wish them well, and then say goodbye. Even if it is a brother.

 

[JewelFreak]

Good way to handle it, Begonia. Sensible & realistic. Mine isn't manipulative; he's just plain weird. No other word for it, sorry to say. Kind of out there where the buses don't run. Everybody else in the family treats him like the dear old oddball uncle in the attic, but I can't take more than 10 minutes of him before I start either to steam or groan with boredom. Or both! He's full of envy, finds conspiracies in everything, and drones on & on & on about them. Often he creeps me out. I'm lucky that we live in No. Carolina & he in Maine so I see him very rarely -- I'm sure he feels the same way about me.

--- Laurie

 

[Begonia]

Ahhh, I see.

It always amazes me the variation that can come out of the same womb ya know?

My sibs and I look alike, sound alike, have similar body language, metabolisms etc. You can tell we are all Begonias, but...

Between the ears and behind the eyes we are as different as chalk and cheese.

My older brothers have both build house out there "where the buses don't run".

Mind you, now that I'm dippin' my toes in the peri/menopausal pond, I think I tend to take a bus out there myself occasionally...

 

[CJ2008]

Sometimes I think I have been a frenemy.

Two instances in my life:

1. A gorgeous best friend. It was really hard for me. I felt completely invisible wherever we went. I never ill advised her or made underhanded comments - but I was jealous of her.

2. A friend who's having more success in her career than I am. I really love this girl but I am going through some hard times in my professional life and even with how I feel - I feel sad and unmotivated most of the time - and I find myself getting jealous of her successes. It's almost as if I can't "keep up." I've gone into somewhat of a negative/wanting to complain mindset lately and I find that I want her to "come along" with me. When she doesn't (as well she shouldn't!) I get embarrassed and then try to get distance. I've been avoiding her because I don't want her to have to deal with all this gunk that I'm feeling - and I feel like I just couldn't handle it if she told me some more good news or more of what she's accomplishing. And because I'm embarrassed that when she asks me how things are going for me I have nothing great to share. It feels terrible. I want to go back to how we were in the beginning - to how I was in the beginning. But I feel like first I need to change *my* life. It's sad. And it's embarrassing to be *that* person.

I know this is related but somewhat of a threadjack - (eta thanks Begonia). It feels kind of good to let it out.

 

[Begonia]

Sometimes I think I have been a frenemy.

I know this is related but somewhat of a threadjack - (eta thanks Begonia). It feels kind of good to let it out.[/quote]



Well I'm not too sure if you were being a frenemy, or just being human.

We all feel that way CJ, and if someone says they don't, well then they are full of $%*t. Oh dear, was that my outside voice?

Some people do seem to lead charmed lives...others have to work very hard, often with little to show for it. That would be my world.

What did I read the other day? If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

However, perhaps hanging with a group of beautiful overachievers might not be the best thing for you right now? Stresses me out just thinking about it...

 

[TaterTots]

Yes, I totally have a frenemy. My Husbands sister and I was best friends after me and him gotten married. Then some years after she got married everything became a competition between the two of us and our marriages. From the cars we drive to the household items we've put into our homes to the jewelry we wear. Everything is tit for tat with us. Every time me and my husband decided to purchase something for ourselves/home it seems her and her husband feels as if they need to purchase the same thing or something better for theirs. It really makes it hard for us all to come together with my husbands mother and father for any kind of holiday just because we have such a hard time with being ourselves and what might come up between us even though my husband and I try our best to just focus on his parents when together.

 

[Rowan]

I did. She was a psycho. Literally. The final straw was when she started calling my daughter's superior officers while she was a Navy boot camp and getting her in trouble.

 

[JewelFreak]

Mind you, now that I'm dippin' my toes in the peri/menopausal pond, I think I tend to take a bus out there myself occasionally...

Been there myself occasionally, yes indeed.

Rowan, ick, eeeuww, hope you're rid of that one!

 

[CJ2008]

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

I love that, Begonia. I think I've been doing that in some ways.

And thanks for everything else you said. Maybe I just need to accept right now I need some distance from certain things - maybe it's even the "right" thing to do by this friend - the last thing I want to do is have her feel that she needs to downplay her successes. And I'll "come back" when I've redefined success for myself to the point that I am really OK with knowing that my successes are just on a different level than hers.