Do you and your FI ask for permission before making large purchases?

[lilylover]

I just got a text from FI. "I bought a motor for my car today."


Uh, wow.

His car is fine, he owns a sports car and has been wanting to do an engine swap for a while. It''s not like he bought a motor to replace one that wasn''t working.

So, he just spend like 700 something dollars on a motor, and I am sure he bought accesories for it which probably equal a few hundred dollars. He hasn''t fessed up to that yet. Normally this wouldn''t be a big deal, but I just bought my wedding band that was 500 dollars which he has yet to pay me back for. Plus, we agreed to buy a TV and furiture, etc. for our new apartment instead of going on a honeymoon. It was really heartbreaking (silly, I know) for me to decide to put the honeymoon dreams I have had for years aside and decide and focus on the "necessities."

Now I have no idea if we have enough money to safely to buy that TV or furniture. I will say that this IS *all* his money. We have separate accounts still, but heck .. we are getting married in 3 months. I feel like he should have consulted me before doing this and really thought about all the other things we need to pay for, even if it was 100 perent his money.

I am really upset. Am I overreacting?

 

[LilyKat]

You're not overreacting at all. I'd be upset too. Whether or not I'd be angry at him depends on what we had previously decided about money.

Have you had a detailed discussion about how your finances will be managed now that you're engaged, and once you're married? If not, now is the time to sit down and have that conversation. Yes, common sense dictates you would consult your partner about major purchases, especially if they will impact on your ability to afford other things you have mutually decided to buy - but men are sometimes lacking in the common sense department, especially when confronted with car upgrades... See it from his perspective - it's money he's earned, you have separate finances, he's presumably bought himself whatever he wants with his money in the past. It's time to ease him into the mindset of "joint financial decisions" by spelling out exactly what that means to you.

Basically, don't be too hard on him this time, but take it as a wake-up call for the serious discussion about money that you need to have. And if he does it again, THEN you can give him a kick up the backside

Of course, if you've already clearly agreed that major purchases will be discussed first, and he ignored you - that's a more serious problem.

ETA: in answer to your question - we haven't made any large purchases since being engaged, but now I've read your story, I'm off to tell FI that we will darn sure be discussing them with each other first...

 

[Dancing Fire]

nope, wife and i always had separate finances. i can imagine begging my wife for money,probably like trying to get blood out of a turnip.

 

[elrohwen]

You're not overreacting. DH and I talk to each other about any purchases over about $50. Heck, DH tells me about almost every purchase he makes (even though I'm unemployed and he's bringing in most of the money at the moment). It's just courtesy, I think. Especially if money isn't flowing like water, it's important that everybody knows what's going on and is involved in the decision.

I would have a talk with him and say that you'd like to figure out how to work out financials once you're married. Maybe don't harp on him for something he's already purchased, but come up with a system moving forward so you both agree on what's expected.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I am not married yet but we have been together for a long time. We live together and own our home together.

I define big as in a car or house - in that case, we do consult each other (I would be pretty pissed if he came home with a new car). We also discuss purchases that impact the both of us such as a new pet or new furniture. I do not ask for permission for other purchases such as purses, jewelry, clothes - it's my money and I can spend it the way I want as long as I contribute to my defined share within the house hold. I think I would be miserable if I have to ask for permission for every luxury item I purchase.

Overall, we are pretty easy with our contributions and we don't count who paid what and how much. We never pay each other back because we think eventually it will work out in the wash. We maintain our separate accounts and also have a joint account for mortgage. I have no intentions of sharing all our money once we get married. My motto is that as long as we are contributing and saving what we agree to - the rest is up to us individually. For reference purposes, I make a good portion more than my fiance and also have the luxury of saving most of my life without any debt. Our contributions to the household is porportional to the amount we each bring home combined with the personal debt we have to pay off.

 

[trillionaire]

We are adults, we do not ask each other for permission. However, for large purchases, we typically mention it to each other, and discuss if necessary. If FI was not comfortable with a large purchase that I wanted to make, I would hold off until he was more comfortable, and he does the same.

 

[lilyfoot]

We do discuss larger purchases. but that''s just something that comes naturally to us, not a system we came up with. I think I''m pretty lucky to have an FI with great common sense. Most of the guys I know aren''t like that!

lilylover, I''m curious to hear what sort of arrangement you guys had talked about regarding money, if any at all.

My natural response is that you''re NOT overreacting, but if you guys haven''t worked this type of stuff out yet, then you can''t really be upset with him.

And in no way is it silly to be sad about not going on a honeymoon!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

We tend to consult each other on purchases over 10% of our combined monthly take home pay. Occasionally we bend the rules, but it''s not a big deal since we have a comfortable amount squirreled away and it''s not like we''re on a tight budget or saving up for something special.

I would be more upset if we had agreed on saving towards a big mutual goal, and he was spending a lot on the side at his own discretion.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Right now, we don''t ask permission before making large purchaces.

I was a little annoyed when my FI bought an expensive plasma, but than he told me to look at the left hand and I shut up

I was annoyed I have to live with a big screen now, but that is a different issue...

When we get married, we will have a joint bank account and our own separate accounts. We can get whatever we want as long as we can afford it from out accounts.

 

[laughwithme]

Wow...just wow.

You''re not overreacting at all. We''re in the same position - separate accounts now, getting married in a few months. We discuss EVERYTHING >$50 that is discretionary. Not because its a set "rule" or something, but because (a) generally any large discretionary expenses are something at the forefront of conversation...e.g. "there is an event I really want to go to next month but the fee is $75" and (b) it feels like the respectful thing to do.

I also don''t really consider it "asking permission" - its just...respect. Its our money. Separate accounts, yeah. But our financial goals are one and the same and regardless of who''s account its in for the next 90 days....its our goals.

 

[yssie]

Would not be happy. I don't think you're overreacting at all. It's not overreacting, but it is courtesy, and if it's important to you then he should be willing to indulge that, I think.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 3/2/2010 10:07:20 PM
Author: laughwithme
Wow...just wow.

You''re not overreacting at all. We''re in the same position - separate accounts now, getting married in a few months. We discuss EVERYTHING >$50 that is discretionary. Not because its a set ''rule'' or something, but because (a) generally any large discretionary expenses are something at the forefront of conversation...e.g. ''there is an event I really want to go to next month but the fee is $75'' and (b) it feels like the respectful thing to do.

I also don''t really consider it ''asking permission'' - its just...respect. Its our money. Separate accounts, yeah. But our financial goals are one and the same and regardless of who''s account its in for the next 90 days....its our goals.

Ditto to all!
although, our limit seems to be a little more like the $100 range. Except a week ago, FI impulsively bought a saxophone for $100 just because he wanted a new instrument to "play around with". He found it on ebay and put a bid on it that day and won it. He didn''t tell me until later that day when I saw him lol. I wasn''t thrilled. Especially when the bill to put new pads on it was $100. There goes his "great deal" lol. Also, he''s a guitar player and has never played a brass instrument in his life so lessons will probably have to follow that.

but I was pretty ok with it.

but when he gave me a hard time two days later about wanting to buy a $1100 china curio for only $275 (I''m a designer, so I buy at cost... this one was EXTREMELY discounted!), I had to lovingly bring up the sax.


But if FI bought something for $700 without giving me the heads up, I''d be pretty upset. Especially if he didn''t have the extra cash to throw around.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

well... no, I didn't consult my husband when we were engaged. I bought a 600 dollar David Yurman ring, KNOWING that I would not be able to spend that kind of money on jewelry or shoes or whatever once I said "I do." It was kind of my last big "I'm a single girl who doesn't have to explain my frivolous girly purchase to a man, yay!" thing. That being said, the wedding was paid for, the honeymoon to Greece was paid for, the mortgage was taken care of, the cars were fine, and there was plenty of money in the bank. If we were having to give up a honeymoon and talking about how to fill our house with furniture, and I went out and bought a 600 dollar ring, then that would not be cool! I would be so hurt if a new set of golf clubs kept us from going on a honeymoon, and I didn't get a say in it!


So, communicate with FI. If you guys had a mutual understanding about finances, and he violated that trust, then he needs to rectify the situation! If you didn't have an understanding, then it is time to get one He may have seen it as his last "don't have to explain my frivolous man purchase to a girl, yay!" and doesn't understand how hurtful it was.


ETA - I would not dream of spending that much money without consulting my husband now that we are married.

 

[onvacation]

For me, it depends. If you''re already living together AND have combined funds, then absolutely

. If you''re not, then it''s his money, not yours. Have you talked about finances with him yet? Whether you decide on having joint accounts or not is up to you, but since you mention that you don''t know how much $ he has, I''d really recommend the both of you contributing as much as you''re comfortable with into one "newlywed" account, so you can rest assured that you have the funds secured for the first few months when you''ll be spending A LOT. And while you''re at it, if he said that he would be the one buying your wedding ring, have him pay you back before the wedding. When you get married, it''s quite likely that you''re not going to see it again!

 

[onvacation]

Date: 3/2/2010 11:13:45 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
well... no, I didn''t consult my husband when we were engaged. I bought a 600 dollar David Yurman ring, KNOWING that I would not be able to spend that kind of money on jewelry or shoes or whatever once I said ''I do.'' It was kind of my last big ''I''m a single girl who doesn''t have to explain my frivolous girly purchase to a man, yay!'' thing. That being said, the wedding was paid for, the honeymoon to Greece was paid for, the mortgage was taken care of, the cars were fine, and there was plenty of money in the bank. If we were having to give up a honeymoon and talking about how to fill our house with furniture, and I went out and bought a 600 dollar ring, then that would not be cool! I would be so hurt if a new set of golf clubs kept us from going on a honeymoon, and I didn''t get a say in it!



So, communicate with FI. If you guys had a mutual understanding about finances, and he violated that trust, then he needs to rectify the situation! If you didn''t have an understanding, then it is time to get one He may have seen it as his last ''don''t have to explain my frivolous man purchase to a girl, yay!'' and doesn''t understand how hurtful it was.



ETA - I would not dream of spending that much money without consulting my husband now that we are married.

What she said.

 

[Echidna]

Date: 3/2/2010 11:15:55 PM
Author: onvacation

Date: 3/2/2010 11:13:45 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
well... no, I didn''t consult my husband when we were engaged. I bought a 600 dollar David Yurman ring, KNOWING that I would not be able to spend that kind of money on jewelry or shoes or whatever once I said ''I do.'' It was kind of my last big ''I''m a single girl who doesn''t have to explain my frivolous girly purchase to a man, yay!'' thing. That being said, the wedding was paid for, the honeymoon to Greece was paid for, the mortgage was taken care of, the cars were fine, and there was plenty of money in the bank. If we were having to give up a honeymoon and talking about how to fill our house with furniture, and I went out and bought a 600 dollar ring, then that would not be cool! I would be so hurt if a new set of golf clubs kept us from going on a honeymoon, and I didn''t get a say in it!



So, communicate with FI. If you guys had a mutual understanding about finances, and he violated that trust, then he needs to rectify the situation! If you didn''t have an understanding, then it is time to get one He may have seen it as his last ''don''t have to explain my frivolous man purchase to a girl, yay!'' and doesn''t understand how hurtful it was.



ETA - I would not dream of spending that much money without consulting my husband now that we are married.

What she said.

Thritto. Definitely talk to him- it may have been his "last splurge" before the wedding.

 

[LabRatPhD]

You are definitely not overreacting. I would be upset as well!

FI and I discuss big "family" purchases like the new LED tv he wants to get. Sometimes it feels odd to me that we do discuss these things because FI makes 10X as much as I do and I almost feel like, "hey, he works really hard - he deserves it!". I really do appreciate that we do discuss things because it makes me feel like I am a part of the equation even though financially I contribute significantly less. If I want something that is pricey, I ask FI because essentially I need him to buy it for me due to my lack of funds. We are very open about money issues and I am really happy that we are.

 

[lilylover]

Argh... I typed out a long response and got an error message. I will reply again in the morning --- too tired tonight.

 

[Luckyeshe]

I don''t think you''re overreacting. You have the right to be upset about his purchase. You need to communicate to your FI that big purchases need to be discussed since it''s gonna be a "we" thing now and no longer an "I" thing. Now for my FI and I, we talk about large purchases, but we don''t necessarily ask each other for permission. I tell him that I''m getting something and then he ask me if I really want it or need it and then I think about it and either buy it or not. I do the same for him. We also have our own separate accounts and 1 joint accounts. So, anything big that is just for his benefit (something computer related) or just my beneft (like an expensive purse or shoes) we use our own accounts. Any home purchases like groceries, bills, etc comes out of our joint account. And that''s how we''ve been working out our large purchases. Good luck, lilylover!

 

[Dancing Fire]

#1 rule for a successful marriage is to NEVER talk about money.

 

[tigerhearted]

We don''t ask permission, but we do discuss and confer on big purchases.

I don''t think you''re over-reacting. Sounds like something to sit down and talk about how you two will handle big purchases as a couple in the future.

 

[joxxxelyn]

We definitely discuss large purchases. We already live together so that''s one part of it. I''d say it''s not necessarily always about the dollar value of the item, but of whether or not it''s a necessary purchase. I didn''t consult him before paying hundreds of dollars for needed dental work, but I did consult him on things like my wedding dress and all of that, since I wanted him to be comfortable with those prices. Ultimately, what''s yours is his and vice versa.

 

[gwendolyn]

Yup, we do. We even sometimes do it with smaller stuff, but that''s because we''re in the last month-or-so stretch before we get married and want to make sure we have enough money for it all. I just the other night asked J if we don''t get our certificate of approval to marry in time for my parents to attend, if we could use our honeymoon money to bring them back here so they could attend. He said ''of course'' and ''you didn''t need to ask me that,'' but to me, there''s no way I would make such an offer to my parents without discussing it with J first. Our money, our decision.

lilylover, I would be upset in your situation too. Hopefully you guys will be able to sort it out soon.

 

[purselover]

It sounds like ~$1000 is pretty significant for you guys right now so I would be furious. You are forgoing a honeymoon right now to buy furniture instead, and it seems like he''s not making the same sacrifices! DH and I don''t ask eachother permission to buy large ticket items but they definitely are discussed so we know eachother''s feeling and there are no unhappy surprises. It sounds like a serious chat about priorites is in order.

 

[stephbolt]

FI and I have agreed to discuss any purchase over $100 that comes out of our joint account. We both have "fun money" accounts that we put a few hundred in each month, anything we purchase using that money we don''t have to discuss in advance (since it''s already budgeted for).

 

[Lilac]

DH and I always talk about large purchases before buying anything. We even talked about those things when we were dating because we knew we were heading towards marriage so we always looked at it as "our" money together rather than individually.

I would say anything over around $50 we at the very least mention to the other before buying it and anything more than $100 we discuss whether we both think it''s worth it (other than when we buy each other presents for birthdays/anniversaries - those are surprises!).

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 3/3/2010 11:47:39 AM
Author: stephb0lt
FI and I have agreed to discuss any purchase over $100 that comes out of our joint account. We both have ''fun money'' accounts that we put a few hundred in each month, anything we purchase using that money we don''t have to discuss in advance (since it''s already budgeted for).

We basically have the same system now. If the purchase is a necessity (like when my car needed new tires very badly) then I won''t ask him first. If I were going to make a non-necessity large purchase, I would definitely ask him first now that we''re married. Before we were married, we only had joint money for bills and mutual entertainment. The rest was for us to keep so if he bought a new expensive paintball gun, I definitely didn''t bat en eye.

 

[lucyandroger]

Not technically FI yet but...

We discuss large discretionary purchases (a couple hundred dollars and up). We are both savers and agonize over spending any uncessary money. We see ourselves as a team with joint goals - goals that require money. So discussing money is just part of daily life. Luckily, we have similar views on how money should be spent and not spent.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think the big purchase discussion is really only important when you''re living together. When you''re not, it''s his money to spend. When you are, that money is security for both of you. What if he spent that money and now he doesn''t have enough for his share of the rent? Then it falls on your shoulders. In that case it''s in your best interest to know about big purchases. DH and I have separate accounts, we''ve been married for 7-8 months and have lived together for 3+ years. We do discuss big purchases (over $50) and we always have, but $50 isn''t chump change for us, that''s our electric bill or our cell phone bill. The only time this rule is relaxed is around Christmas and birthdays. We make sure the bills are paid and then give each other the freedom to spend what they feel comfortable (we still pretty much shop separately for our families). Eventually we will combine accounts, but for now this works for us.

 

[joelly]

Yikes! I am sorry that he treats you this way but perhaps he doesn''t understand the agreement that he enters with you. From your story, he sounds very child-like. Also, swapping honeymoon for a TV?

I don''t even know what to say about that.

You''re not over-reacting at all. I think you should sit him down and talk to him. If he can''t commit to a budget, how can he commit to bigger things that comes with a marriage?

My heart goes out to you, Lily. You shouldn''t be the only one worrying about $$$. He should bring his weight to the commitment or else...tell him to marry his belongings? Just kidding!