Divorce Gift?

[seaurchin]

The husband of an old friend of mine has left her after many years of marriage. I want to send her a present to cheer her up but am drawing blanks on what to send. I don't live near her so it will have to be mailed. Any ideas? Thoughts on what and what not to say are welcome too.

I was thinking some kind of booze but do we really want to encourage that.

Then I was thinking a care package of makeup and jewelry and stuff to glam up and feel better. But then maybe it would come across like I thought she didn't look good enough or something, who knows.

Every idea I get seems wrong. Or maybe it doesn't matter what, just so she knows I'm thinking of her?

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

what a lovelly idea
don't overthink it
just go with your heart

 

[december-fire]

Flowers with a note that you're thinking of her.

Phone calls and cards/letters, again to let her know you're thinking of her, would be appreciated. It lets her know you're available if she needs to talk or needs a distraction.

I wish her well.

 

[737liz]

What a lovely idea. I would probably buy her an expérience. Depending on her character something indulgent like a Spa day. Massages and scrubs.

Or maybe a meal somewhere fancy. Order a book that you think she will like so she has something to read while eating. I have no problem dining solo but for a newly single person, it may be uncomfortable.

Or an artsy experience like a pottery class or life drawing course.

I often congratulate friends who are newly single. Even if they didn't want to end the relationship, they can now start the next installment of their story.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I would say flowers and nice card. Let her know you are available to listen. Check in with her via phone. Let her know you are sorry she is going through this---and then listen. Let her rant, cry, vent, whatever.
It's a crummy and painful time. You are a good friend to be thinking of her. She may just need a shoulder to cry on and someone who is not giving advice or judgement.

 

[Bron357]

Send her a plant rather than flowers, they last longer!
send her a note, tell her you’re thinking of her, that she must reach out to you if she needs a chat, a shoulder to cry on.
and listen.
mostly people who are heartbroken like to talk out their feelings or just sit in silence. Virtually hold her hand and tell her good friends are like diamonds precious and rare, bad ex husbands are like Autumn leaves, decaying, brown and found everywhere.

 

[jaaron]

That's such a nice idea.

Heartburn (the book, not the movie) by Nora Ephron-- it's clever and even all these years later, screamingly funny, and a card letting her know that you're there for her.

 

[Arcadian]

Definitely a plant or flowers.

 

[pearlsngems]

Speaking as someone who dislikes being given houseplants, which need to be cared for (I even managed to kill a cactus once) I'd recommend cut flowers, which can be enjoyed and then dumped, guilt-free.

 

[jaaron]

Speaking as someone who dislikes being given houseplants, which need to be cared for (I even managed to kill a cactus once) I'd recommend cut flowers, which can be enjoyed and then dumped, guilt-free.

+1

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I think a Visa or Mastercard Gift card works well for situations in which you want to to give someone a gift but are unsure of what they want.

 

[bludiva]

Flowers or spa day

 

[kenny]

I don't attend weddings, or give gifts on forced occasions EVEN V-Day for my SO, yet I give generously any random day of the year when something calls out to me the name of a loved one of mine.
IMO weddings and divorces are private and very personal matters.

I don't attend funerals either and have ensured I won't have one ... and though out of my control for an obvious reason, I have also requested no gathering.

 

[bludiva]

I don't attend weddings, or give gifts.
IMO weddings and divorces are private and very personal matters.

I don't attend funerals either and have ensured I won't have one.
I have also requested no gathering.

I don’t think it’s a gift in that sense, more like a pick-me-up from a friend. I just sent a little gift pack to a close friend who was having a really bad week. I’m not big on obligatory gift giving for specific occasions either but it felt like she could use that boost.

Only op knows if the friend would welcome something like that in this stressful time though.

 

[asscherisme]

What a thoughtful thing to do!

I was the one who left my marriage, but still was overwhelming dark period in my life. Having been through a hellish divorce, I can say that anything you do that shows her you are thinking of her would be appreciated. So many people pull away from people that are getting divorced, as if they are afraid it is contagious. You showing her you are there for her and thinking of her will mean a lot.

Flowers to brighten up her day would be good. Another idea is a gift card for a restaurant you know she likes that has carryout. Especially if she has kids to feed. But even if she does not. Finding the energy to not just feed myself but feed my kids during my divorce was overwhelming some days.

I agree to stay away from booze.

 

[seaurchin]

I couldn't decide which idea to go with but then I remembered she likes necklaces and found a pretty one online that I think is her style. I'll will probably use more of the suggestions above later on. Thanks, everyone.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Depends, Did she took him to the cleaners?

 

[GliderPoss]

Honestly? A massage or pampering voucher would be great. Even more importantly- the genuine offer to chat any time, day or night. I recall feeling so sad and alone especially at night (work was distraction during the day). My best friend was so wonderful texting me constantly to cheer me up and allowing me to sob down the line at stupid hours. I will be forever grateful for her support!

 

[rainydaze]

I think it's really kind that you want to do something nice to let your friend know you care about her support her during this difficult time. I see you found something you think will resonate with her - when you are close with someone and know them well, the right gift often reveals itself. The necklace sounds lovely!

I had an idea for anyone else reading or for your future-gifts folder: a potted lemon tree. If she's not one to take care of plants, then it's not a fit as with any other plant idea. However, if she is, I find it's a cheerful and unique idea. This little lemons can't help but bring a smile and a little spark of joy!

 

[partgypsy]

I agree with many others including Assherisme and Gliderposs. It was a very tough time going through the breakup of my marriage and divorce. I would just say, be there for her as a friend. Many of the couple friends I knew pre divorce I lost. So don't just send a note or a book, be there for her and continue to be her friend through and past this. That would be the biggest gift. People are individual what they like. Pick out something she would like based on what you know of her as a person and what she likes, not necessarily something divorce specific. So I would say yes to flowers, wine, plants, make a date for lunch/coffee together, massage certificate (I got one of those as a post pregnancy gift and it was WONDERFUL) but again those are things I like. If it is something to remind her that you are thinking of her she is not alone, doesn't have to be something expensive but something like a card, bookmark, etc.

 

[marymm]

Due to the pandemic, some of the experiences suggested (spa / massage / restaurants) may not be something your friend could utilize anytime soon.

I like your necklace gift idea, and I echo the recommendations to keep in touch with cards and notes through the coming months. Perhaps also you could let her know you'd love to talk with her (just phone or via Zoom/Skype) and/or text more regularly, and make sure you each have the other's best phone number.

 

[Cina_s]

I second everyone's thoughts for the spa or pampering packages at a nicer place. Not sure how COVID is, where she is. But, pre-COVID I think Spa gifts are great. She can spend time alone without social obligations to explain herself. And she might not spend that on herself.

 

[Cina_s]

I second everyone's thoughts for the spa or pampering packages at a nicer place. Not sure how COVID is, where she is. But, pre-COVID I think Spa gifts are great. She can spend time alone without social obligations to explain herself. And she might not spend that on herself.

O- lol Let me add, yes, being there for her as a friend is a given. Check up on her every few days. Tell her there is no pressure to reply, but you are thinking of her and that you are there for her. The Spa gift is a side item!

I love my husband, but my girl friends are my life pillars. They have been there for me before I met my husband, and hopefully will be there for me till my dying days. Good friends are like a marriage too, its not to be taken for granted, and need to nurture and might having trying times, but true friendship will weather the storms.

 

[cmd2014]

As someone going through it (unwillingly), anything you give will be appreciated. Honestly, just reaching out and checking in, being a shoulder to cry on, and reminding her that she is loved is huge. And a big basket of self care stuff sounds awesome (bubble bath, a soothing face mask, some hand cream, some slippers and a robe if you're going fancy would all be welcome at my house).

I'm finding Covid is making this even harder than it would normally be. I haven't had a hug since my husband left (social distancing) and I could use one of those too.

 

[december-fire]

@cmd2014 ,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Covid would definitely make this difficult situation even harder. Talking on the phone with a friend helps, but it isn't the same as sitting at the kitchen table over coffee or tea (or wine).

You'll get through this, but its hard and can take time.

Wishing you comfort and strength.

 

[missy]

@seaurchin I agree with all those who say reach out and be there for her during this very difficult time. And ask her what you can do for her and what she needs. Just be available to chat with her anytime. And I love the necklace idea. Anything you send is thoughtful and will be appreciated I am sure.

@cmd2014 I don't know if you can feel them but I am sending you so many virtual hugs. (((HUGS))).

 

[dk168]

A bunch of flowers and a mug, with a message in line of 'always available for a cuppa and a chat' etc...

Oh, and something sparkly from Berricle.

DK

 

[partgypsy]

China, I totally get you. I have some friends that have been there for me since I dk, grad school, some since kids were in elementary school, and they are worth their price in gold. Since divorce they are the people I have taken vacations with, who have been there for me for medical emergencies, who I confide so hold onto them. Im going through a health situation, and it makes that part of my life, clear.

 

[m-cubed]

Even a simple card would probably be appreciated. I made it my mission to be morale officer during the lockdown, so I sent little handwritten cards and postcards every few weeks to a bunch of friends and acquaintances. I can tell a lot of those folks were really touched, even though it was a simple gesture.

 

[doberman]

That is sad about your friend. That must be very painful. It's so good of you to think of her, I dont think it matters what kind of gift you send. The point is that you're thinking of her and wishing her well.

Personally I like the idea of flowers. I love flowers.