Divorce 2

[Izzy03]

A few of you who followed the original "Divorce" thread know a little bit about my situation, but I wanted to provide an update in hopes of getting some advice.

My husband and I have been married almost two years, and I have been seriously considering divorce for about a year now. Just to keep this post from turning into a novel I will try to keep the background information brief. Basically, my husband ended up battling some mild-moderate addiction issues and all the drama that came along with it caused some major damage to our marriage. I am willing to move past all the hurtful things he did when he was high, but the problems now run deeper than that. He has always had a very short temper, but his temper issues escalated when he was "using". He did get better after he recognized his addiction and started handling his temper much better as he moved towards sobriety. For the past year, our marriage has bounced back and forth between happy times and really bad times, but things have been mostly bad for the past three months. Lately he has reverted back to his verbal abuse towards me. Everything triggers a fight and ends with him putting me down and screaming at me. He refuses to seek marriage counseling, but I took the advice of many ladies here on PS and recently started seeing a therapist on my own (he wasn't too happy to find out about it!)

Some of the things that you ladies posted in the original "Divorce" thread stuck with me and gave me some "balls". You guys said things like your husbands had never screamed at you, and even though there are tough times, marriage is supposed to make your life better.

So tonight, my husband and I went out to run errands and of course, he started many very unnecessary fights. So on the way home, he started yelling at me and I asked him why he could not just talk to me, why he felt the need to raise his voice, put me down, and swear at me. This just pissed him off more. So instead of shutting my mouth to prevent the situation from escalating (like I usually do), I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. When we finally got home, I started screaming a lot of REALLY horrible things at him to purposely hurt his feelings, and said to him "How does it feel? You do this to me all the time, how do you like it?" I also FINALLY told him that he is verbally abusive towards me which he did NOT take well. He told me to get out of his house, said we are done, he broke a door, blah blah blah. I know it sounds like I was playing with fire by pushing his buttons, but I knew he wouldn't physically harm me. I started packing, but the fighting continued so he left, went to his parents for the night. It worked out well because now I can stay here for the night.

I don't have family nearby and I am currently in school so I am kinda stuck, but I have some options. It is late, but I emailed a classmate asking her to call me in the morning, I am going to ask if I can stay with this week so I can figure out my next move. I have looked into apartments and have an idea on which ones would be suitable for my situation.

The sad part about all this is that I still want to be with him. It is sick and makes no sense, I know! I want my sweet loving husband back! I look back on pictures and remember times when we were genuinely happy. He is such an amazing person, I don't even know this stranger I am living with. I am going to be leaving him with the intention that our marriage is over, but honestly, I am hoping that spending time apart might be the catalyst to us moving towards a better marriage. My therapist has said that he probably thinks he can act however he wants and I will never leave because I have stuck around for so much already and I think she is right. But I know I can't leave with the intention of "scaring him straight". We have been working at this for a year now, and we are in the same place we started. Something needs to change, and unfortunately, it might be my marital status.

 

[noelwr]

even with the whole situation, I can understand why you still want to be with him. if my DH were to come up to me right now and started yelling at me and punched a hole in the wall, it doesn't mean I would suddenly stop loving him. it's not something you can turn off and on at will.

but because you love him, you should leave. if you love him, you need to help him or at least get him into a situation where he can be helped. if you leave, this should make him realize that he needs to change. if he doesn't, then he doesn't love himself or you enough to continue with the marriage. and don't see this as "scaring him". it's just the right thing to do.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I'm really proud of you for calling his verbal abuse what it is, and for taking steps to reach out to your classmate and figure out your next move. You are definitely doing the right thing. You deserve a life without that kind of anger and stress. Please keep us updated and know that we're all pulling for you.

 

[KatyWI]

GOOD FOR YOU.

Everything WILL be okay. Take care of yourself. We're here for you.

I wish you all the best over the next weeks to come. *hugs*

 

[Bella_mezzo]

GOOD FOR YOU and I hope that you are able to work out the short-term and long-term logistics quickly. I know that the pain and grief in your heart take way, way longer, but FWIW it sounds like this is a really wise and loving step for you to take for yourself and for him!

 

[Tuckins1]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It's great that you have identified his behavior as unacceptable and are willing to do something about it. It is not crazy that you still want to be with him- you can't just "turn off" feelings that have been there for so long. I dated a real D-bad for years... We broke up and got back together many times. When I finally threw him out for good, even though I had never felt better in my life, I still missed him for a while. Not enough to want him back, but I was just so used to having him around. It does get better, and usually the worse the relationship, the better you feel when you don't have to deal with the BS anymore. Best of luck to you!

 

[chemgirl]

Girl, are you my neighbor? The same thing happened next door on Friday night. We would always hear the guy yelling at his wife and privately refer to him as the d-bag next door. Friday night she finally fought back. It was a huge fight, my cats were cowering under the bed and we were on the phone with the police. Next think we know the guy leaves and slams the door hard enough to break it.

There was a party across the hall and everybody clapped when he left!

Its fantastic that you took this step. Scary, I know, but everybody supports your decision. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

 

[Pandora II]

So sorry this is happening to you, but well done for realising that his behaviour is not acceptable and for getting counselling for yourself.

I've looked back over your past threads and there were a couple of things I wanted to ask you:

- I noticed that you didn't live with each other before you got married. Did his addiction issues develop after you got married or were they there beforehand? Did his behaviour towards you start shortly after you moved in together?

- How intermeshed are you - do you own a house, are finances combined? How difficult would it be to get out of the marriage?

 

[decodelighted]

Its not about loving him or not ... its about loving yourself MORE. Good luck. I'm guessing that once you leave this "love" will dissipate and your definition of "love" will change -- as you have more positive examples of it in your future life. When we know better, we do better. etc etc etc.

Hugs.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Addiction is a tricky disease. Most people think once their loved one gets sober, their problems are over. Often times things get worse before they get better depending on his level of dependence and the substance which was abused. Counseling is a healthy step for you and I am glad that you are taking that step. I am sure I mentioned before but I also think Al-Anon can give you some useful tools to use, not only with your current husband, but in all of your current and future relationships. Group therapy can help you see how other people deal with similar problems and a way for YOU to get to know YOURSELF better.

I think it is important to explore if the outbursts are a result of his personality or of his brain readjusting to a sober life. Another possibility is that he is not currently sober. Cocaine for example mimics the same character traits as narcissism personality disorder. Just something to consider.

 

[Dreamer_D]

This is what I would suggest to my own friend if she was in your situation. Go find yourself an apartment perhaps with a female rommate asap and get started on your new life. Continue to see a therapist. And if you must keep some type of door open, tell yourself, and your husband, that if he sees a therapist and shows improvement in X, Y and Z ways then you will consider reconciliation in 12 months. In the meantime, do not have contact with him. I am guessing in that period you will grown and not longer feel the same way you feel now.

And sorry, but I don't buy the "he changed, I want my sweet husband back! this is not the real him now!" story. I think a lot of women tell themselves that, but I don't think it is reality. The person you knew when you were so much younger, when you did not live together, before you had joint responsibilties and depended on one another... THAT was not the real him. That was a part of him, the part that is so easy to present and maintain when you are in the passionate first 18 months of a relationship and have few true responsibilities. The engaged phase is the peak of happiness for most couples, but it is not the norm. What you have now, and have had for the last year, THAT is the real man you married, because this is how he is when the chips are down and you see each other day in and day out and become less passionate and reality takes over. That is the test of a man's character. Not how he treats you when he sees you through rose colored glasses and everything is perfect. Its how he treats you when real life comes into play. And he has shown you how he treats you in that scenerio.

If you have been thinking seriously about divorce since only 12 months into your marriage, you need to listen to that voice really really well. That is a very short time to be together. Most likely if you had not been blissfully engaged and planning a wedding for the previous 12 months or more, then a newlywed, you would have heard that voice a lot sooner.

I am sorry if this all sounds very harsh. I mean it all with the utmost love and support. But all too often women wear blinders and tell themselves stories that keep them in bad marriages. "I want my perfect husband back!" "He was so great before!" "If I change then he will too." All of these things are provoked by a fear of being alone, in my opinion, and are fantasies we construct. He has not changed. YOUR RELATIONSHIP has changed and become more serious, more interdependent, more pressure and stress for him. And he is revealing how he responds to that stress. Take that revelation seriously.

 

[that_someone_special]

GOOD FOR YOU!
You don't have to put up with that.

And, as far as getting the person back that you fell in love with... I'm just going to say from personal experience with addicts... they almost never return back to "normal". Even if they did, what they do while they are high and strung out will continue to affect you in the future. Some of those "things" you just can not get past or forget.

You deserve better.

 

[House Cat]

Its not about loving him or not ... its about loving yourself MORE. Good luck. I'm guessing that once you leave this "love" will dissipate and your definition of "love" will change -- as you have more positive examples of it in your future life. When we know better, we do better. etc etc etc.

Hugs.

Ditto.

http://www.drirene.com/
I love this site for people who wonder if they are actually living with abuse. It speaks of covert abuse, verbal abuse, all types of abuse. This leaves you with no question.

 

[Izzy03]

Hey everyone, I'm still alive! Thank you so much for all your kind words. On Sunday, I replied to everyone who had posted and just noticed that my response is not on here I guess the internet ate it....

I promise I will be back in the next few days to post an update and to respond to all your questions. I haven't had much time to breath with school this week. Hope everyone's Valentine's Day was less dysfunctional than mine and promise to update soon!

 

[movie zombie]

you took a really big step. a step for you. a step for you is a step towards a healthy relationship......

MoZo

 

[CrazyMaybe]

Izzy,

May I ask what you are in school for?

 

[monarch64]

Izzy, you're NOT stuck, and you don't have to stay in this situation because you're in school. Please read my response to "Crazy" in the first Divorce thread in this subforum.

No one deserves or should be treated the way your spouse has treated you, it is NOT OK. And I'm sure (having been there and done that) that you are now feeling bad about giving him the business and yelling at him the way he's yelled at you so many times. Loving couples do NOT EVER treat each other this way. This is NOT a healthy or loving relationship, even if you "make up" after this type of argument.

Of course you still feel that you love this person. You were in it for love all along! The relationship is not working and it is not healthy for either of you. I think you've already identified the fact that it is in your best interest to move on from this marriage. I'm very sorry--please take this advice from someone who was in your shoes at one time--but please try your best to stay strong and remove yourself from this situation.

I never wanted to post on PS when my ex was being so awful to me and we were having issues because I was too proud to let anyone know. I didn't realize I guess that you could use an anonymous screen name and looking back I wish I had, and I wish I had had the sage and wonderful advice of so many caring PSr's who actually cared what happened to me. It was a very shameful thing, to me, back then, to get divorced after such a short period of marriage and I understand that stigma. I shouldn't have let that keep me from doing what was best for myself! Please don't waste any more time. Life is just too short to live in misery.

 

[TravelingGal]

Not to threadjack too much, but Monnie, I'm just glad you got out and you are happy now...that is just so good to see.

 

[monarch64]

Not to threadjack too much, but Monnie, I'm just glad you got out and you are happy now...that is just so good to see.

Hey, thank you TGal, your words mean a lot.

Izzy: It is a really tough process, coming to the realization that things (or people) cannot be fixed, and that moving on means placing an immense amount of trust in yourself. When we hear over and over again that we're stupid/worthless/fat/ugly/boring from the person who is supposed to be our life partner and teammate, those sentiments chip away at our self-esteem and we get caught up in wondering if that "teammate" is actually right! Maybe it IS us, maybe we WERE a bitch, maybe we need to fix OURSELVES and then things will improve. Uh-uh, not true! From one woman who IS WORTH IT to another--you are with the right person when you bring out the BEST in each other. Think about that. It took me a long time of hearing it in my head (my mother always said it to me when she knew my ex and I were fighting) until it finally hit me one day that things just shouldn't involve so. much. effort.

 

[Izzy03]

Hi all! I am back, ready to give my update! The afternoon after the big blow up my husband came home as I was on my way out the door. This was surprising to me because in the past he usually stays away much longer! He said that we had both said awful things we didn't mean and then went on to talk to me as if it had never happened. I went out for the day and enjoyed some much needed "me" time before going home (yes, I stayed). We were pretty brief with each other for the next few days (mostly because I was at school), and about three days later we finally had time to talk about the argument. I told him how I felt about his "abusive language" and the manner in which he argued with me. I also told him that he treats me exactly how his father treats his mother, which he himself has described as "abusive". He has been better about communicating with me over the past week, but I am kind of sitting back waiting for his bad behavior to return. He had surgery last Thursday so our routine hasn't been quite normal, but I guess we'll see if things get better now that he knows how I feel about the state of our marriage.

I also confided in my classmate about the trouble within my marriage and she opened up to me about her experiences with this as a child and told me that her and her husband never raise their voice at one another. She told me I am welcome at her house anytime I need out (that felt good to hear!). Talking to her reminded me that my parents may have argued, but I have never heard them fight. Clint on the other hand grew up begging his mom to leave his father (she never did). I told my husband I did not grow up in a house with fighting and I will NOT raise my children in one. Maybe our talk will help. Maybe it won't.

I find myself never wanting to get married again if I do end up divorced. The problem is that I want children one day, but don't want to have children if I am not married. I know I will find love again, but do I really EVER want to get married again? I have never been cynical about marriage but I am a little bit broken now.

When I turned to PS with my issues, I found that the simple act of typing all this out was therapeutic, but it was nothing compared to the love and support all of you have provided! Thank you so much, I am still very much in limbo, but I know on way or another I am getting closer to finding happiness again.

DISCLAIMER: Please excuse any typos, I am feeling too lazy to proof read at the moment....

Noel~ Thanks for understanding that situations like this aren't black and white. It is so easy to say "Why don't you leave him" when you are on the outside....

Phoenix~ Thank you for your support, and you are right: Everyone deserves a healthy, loving relationship.

Katy and Bella~ Thank you, while it may sound cliche, we DO need to be reminded that in difficult situations everything WILL be okay. I look at celebrities who have made it through divorce and think, if they could survive when the whole world knew about their troubles, then I can make it too. Haha, silly, I know!

Tuckins~ Thank you for sharing your experience, it is helpful to get support from those who have been there, done that!

Chemgirl~ No, I don't think I am your neighbor! I live in a subdivision where most of the houses are used as vacation homes, and my full time neighbors are not within earshot. Good for your neighbor though, tell her to call me if she wants to grab a drink, haha

Pandora~ My husband's addiction became an issue about 6 months into our marriage. Looking back, I definitely noticed the POTENTIAL for an addiction to develop because I know most addictions to painkiller begin when a person is takes narcotics to manage chronic pain. Yet I convinced myself that if he has not began abusing painkillers after all these years, he probably wouldn't start abusing them now! We had a few blow ups while we were dating but they were nothing like what started happening during our marriage, and most of our fight revolve around the trust issues that transpired from his addiction. As far as finances are concerned, it would be easy to leave. He owns the home we live in and my parents will help me with rent on an apartment.

D-delight~ If I do end up leaving, I'm not sure I ever want to fall in love again, haha! But if I do, I agree with you, my standards will be very different. I don't know how any man will ever measure up!

Tacori~ I have found therapy to be very relieving! I did attend an Narcotics Anonymous meeting (it was a requirement for school) but did not find their meeting to be very helpful. He take different pain meds now with low risk for addiction (they make him sick before they make him high), but after everything that has happened, I want him on NO pain meds. After his recent surgery, I have been in full control over his pain medication, including waking up in the middle of the night to give him his meds! Haha, that's pretty sad, but at least we can laugh about it.... As for his outbursts, I think that is doing exactly what he saw he saw his dad do growing up, and now with all the damage that has been caused by his addiction, the fighting is constant. Though he won't admit it, he wants to me pretend the addiction never happened and is not taking steps towards building trust. If I bring anything up about it, he loses his cool, but it needs to be talked about to move on from it.

Dreamer~ I appreciate your honesty and think there is truth to it. Things are way too messed so soon into this marriage! I can think of a time when we were genuinely happy and I am holding on to that memory. And if he can't be partner during these mildly rough patches, how will we get through even bigger problems? If this marriage does not work out, I want to know that I did everything in my power to make it work. No regrets, no looking back wondering if I could have done more.

Bean~ You are absolutely right. Just when I think we are getting back on track I am haunted by actions from his past, and it leads to a fight. He has also admitted that he thinks he messed up so badly I will never be able to move on. I feel guilty walking away without trying damnedest.

House Cat~ Thank you for the website, I think I already know the answer but I will be sure to check it out anyway!

Zombie~ Thank you, I hope the healthy relationship I am moving towards will be my marriage, but if it isn't, I know I'll be okay.

Crazy~ I am in an accelerated nursing program (it is for people who already have a bachelor's degree to obtain a bachelors in nursing in only 1 year). I often have no time to sleep or eat, let alone pick up and move my entire life!! Sometimes I think it might be a big part of the reason I stayed when things were really bad.

Monarch~ NO WAY DUDE, no regrets about telling him where to go that evening!!!! I had never done that to him before because I thought "Hey, two wrongs don't make a right", but man it felt good to give it back to him! Thank you for sharing your experience, you definitely know how I feel in this situation. There have only been a couple of times when he put me down and called me names. Mostly he blows up, and yells over the stupidest things. I am very embarrassed about my marriage failing after such a short period of time, but I think I am just about over caring what others will think. However, it did keep me around in the beginning of all this. If you don't mind my asking, what types of responses did you encounter when you left your husband? I am happy that you made the right decision for yourself. I want to stay in my marriage until I know I have given my all, and I fear that I am close to that point. Right now, I feel that when the time is right, I will know. Was that your experience as well? One day, you just knew?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Tacori~ I have found therapy to be very relieving! I did attend an Narcotics Anonymous meeting (it was a requirement for school) but did not find their meeting to be very helpful. He take different pain meds now with low risk for addiction (they make him sick before they make him high), but after everything that has happened, I want him on NO pain meds. After his recent surgery, I have been in full control over his pain medication, including waking up in the middle of the night to give him his meds! Haha, that's pretty sad, but at least we can laugh about it.... As for his outbursts, I think that is doing exactly what he saw he saw his dad do growing up, and now with all the damage that has been caused by his addiction, the fighting is constant. Though he won't admit it, he wants to me pretend the addiction never happened and is not taking steps towards building trust. If I bring anything up about it, he loses his cool, but it needs to be talked about to move on from it.

NA is a great way to try to understand addiction from the addicts stand point, *but*, Al-Anon is for you. Please try it. 6 meetings and if you decide it is not right for you, they will happily refund your misery. Rage is unhealthy. It is hard to know where it comes from if the person has addiction issues. Would be be open to counseling? What pain meds are they?

 

[Izzy03]

Tacori~ I have found therapy to be very relieving! I did attend an Narcotics Anonymous meeting (it was a requirement for school) but did not find their meeting to be very helpful. He take different pain meds now with low risk for addiction (they make him sick before they make him high), but after everything that has happened, I want him on NO pain meds. After his recent surgery, I have been in full control over his pain medication, including waking up in the middle of the night to give him his meds! Haha, that's pretty sad, but at least we can laugh about it.... As for his outbursts, I think that is doing exactly what he saw he saw his dad do growing up, and now with all the damage that has been caused by his addiction, the fighting is constant. Though he won't admit it, he wants to me pretend the addiction never happened and is not taking steps towards building trust. If I bring anything up about it, he loses his cool, but it needs to be talked about to move on from it.

NA is a great way to try to understand addiction from the addicts stand point, *but*, Al-Anon is for you. Please try it. 6 meetings and if you decide it is not right for you, they will happily refund your misery. Rage is unhealthy. It is hard to know where it comes from if the person has addiction issues. Would be be open to counseling? What pain meds are they?

Tacori~ At the peak of his addiction, he was ingesting a colorful cocktail of strong muscle relaxants (mostly Soma), Darvocet, Fiorcet, Promethazine, Lortab, Percocet, and Ambien. Sometimes he would add other meds in as well such as Xanax, but the Ambien and Soma were definitely the worst! After the "got clean" he was only taking Darvocet, and I never saw him high on this drug alone. Now that Darvocet has been taken off the market, he takes Lortab. I spoke with my psych instructor about his drug use and she thinks that with the tolerance he has been built, Darvocet and Lortab alone alone probably don't give him a "high". I agree with her because his behavior is night and day when he even has the slightest buzz, and I haven't noticed him high on the Lortab. But after all that I have been through, I want NSAIDs to be the extent of his pain management and we fight about the issue all the time.

Counseling? No, he refuses. But I continue to hope......I pray that this surgery will give him enough pain relief to keep him off the narcotics until he has his joint replacement down the the road.

EDIT: Is it okay that I gave the names of the drugs? In the NA meeting this was a big no-no. Obviously this not an NA forum, but I just want to make sure

 

[Izzy03]

I have another quick update:

Hubby has been a lot better, much more like "himself" since our talk. However, I am starting to think it might be too little, too late.

Bean's words about the past haunting us have really stuck with me the past several days. Even if my husband is better with his addiction struggles, I am constantly worried about him using. After all, verbal abuse was never really the main problem in our marriage, his addiction was the problem. Every time I come home late I have knots on my stomach thinking about what he was doing while I was away. When he is typing on his iPhone late at night, I wonder what he doing. When he snores, I wonder what he may have taken to knock him out so deeply. He isn't showing signs of using, but I don't feel like there was ever a resolution regarding the things he DID do when he was high. He doesn't want to talk about the past and doesn't want to see a counselor. He "simply" wants for me to forget everything that happened and restore all trust in him. While I may be a little neurotic, it is not like me to be this paranoid all the time, and IT IS EXHAUSTING!!!

Tacori- I will look into attending Al-Anon per your suggestion. Thank you!

Monarch- I looked back on your journey with leaving your ex-husband and you are such an inspiration!! I am so glad you have found happiness!!

I am finding myself very "checked out" of the marriage, while I notice he is trying. I'm not sure things will ever be "normal" again, and for the first time, I kind of don't care.

 

[movie zombie]

he isn't willing to work on the relationship? he's putting it all on you to "forget"?

trust has been broken and once broken it takes a lot of work to re-establish.....work he isn't doing and isn't willing to do.

no wonder you're checking out......

MoZo

 

[Izzy03]

Thanks Zombie~ Its nice to have reassurance that my feelings are "normal" given the situation......

 

[movie zombie]

you're welcome.

i know this is not easy.

MoZo

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I've held off on posting in this thread because this topic is really hard to talk about without being "analytical" about it...and that's probably not what you need right now. Not to mention, the last time I offered advice on relationships with addicts, it didn't go so hot so I've avoided it...but...I hope it may help in some small way, so I'll chime in.

When you're dealing with an addict, you're not dealing a person, you're dealing with a disease. If you've ever taken painkillers, even for a day, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that their world is underwater. Logic ceases to mean much and their reactions are never genuinely their own. Addicts will make poor choices, put themselves in harms way and even hurt the ones they love because in their mind the only thing that retains value is feeling better...and that is what they will seek at any cost--personal, professional, doesn't matter anymore. People can take painkillers and be totally fine, a huge thing is that the medical community stresses is that painkillers have value and they work. However, people with predisposed addictive personalities will develop phantom pains to justify continuing the medication until it becomes a habit or way of life. The only difference between a person with an addiction to painkillers as opposed to a person with an addiction to a narcotic is the that the painkiller addict rarely has a chance to say no, whereas a NU always has the chances to say no. There is no mild/moderate addiction there is just addiction.

So, with that said, I want to mention that very few marriages in which an addiction develops post-nuputials, survive. An addict retains very little of themselves, and it's extremely trying for a spouse to reconcile the partner they fell in love with to the partner they now deal with day to day. Everything that was a priority has shifted, everything that was good is gone, everything they depended is compromised. It's a not stable foundation. And a lot of times the clean and sober spouse simply checks out.

Now that the doom and gloom is out of the way, I can tell you that there is hope. There are foundations and centers and private practices that are dedicated simply and entirely to this exact situation. But the choice is yours.

Personally, his anger is what scares me for you. A lot of people can get clean and get sober but without the proper care, they do stay angry. Treatment needs to be a focus, and for him it appears that it needs to be two fold...the anger and the drugs. You might say "but he's clean now"...and to that I would answer, many programs don't start until a person is clean, we're not talking simply rehab here. Rebounding a relationship takes work and there is no simple answer. I know you say that he doesn't want to go to counseling...and that doesn't surprise me at all. He's probably either deluded himself enough to think he doesn't need it or he's to embarrassed to say "help me" which men was highly predisposed to because it looks like weakness. But, just because he's resistant, doesn't mean you have to be. If I were you, I'd still look into some place where I could go to get the help I needed. Get your questions answered, speak freely about how you feel and what you're coping with. I really believe that this will give you the peace of mind and inner strength to do what you need to do. It doesn't have to include him at this point, it would great if it could--working towards a common goal is always best--but don't put your needs on the back burner. The one thing I will say, and I want to applaud you for it, is that you don't come off as codependent. You're not making excuses or justifying or excusing his behavior.

I sincerely wish you the best, and I hope you find the peace you deserve. I hope that the future holds happiness and security for you.

 

[movie zombie]

well worded, Italian.

MoZo

 

[Izzy03]

Italia,
Sorry your last addiction post didn't go so well. For what its worth, I found it very therapeutic. You seem to really know your stuff!!! I have been "forced" to spend a lot of time in pysch courses and clinicals and I am very aware of the addiction cycle. Part of me is holding on to see if his recent surgery will reduce his "need" for painkillers. If his use remains the same as it was prior to the surgery, I have my answer.

I hate hate HATE not being able to trust him anymore. That is definitely the worst part. I can remember a time when I encouraged him to go to the bars and hang out with friends. I never had to think twice. Now, if he doesn't answer his phone I have knots in my stomach. I used to wonder if any two people loved each other as much as we did, now I envy other couples and fantasize about have that kind of connection with another person. Even if he is back to his pre-addiction state, our relationship is not, and like you said, the clean and sober spouse (THATS ME !) is starting to check out.

I don't want to give up until I know we have done everything possible. I am holding on to hope that he will change his mind about seeing a therapist, and praying for a miracle. Regardless, I don't want to walk away with any regrets, I don't want to look back and think about what else could have been done. Thanks again, I appreciate you words very much.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Actually research shows the majority of women stay in a marriage where their DH has addiction issues, but the majority of men leave. One of the things I know about addictions is there is no black or white. Not all addicts have rage. Not all people with rage issues are addicts. There is also a range to addiction ranging from abuse to dependence. A range of "bottoms." A range of treatment plans.

Izzy, only YOU know what is right in your situation. I hope you can find the support for whatever you decide. Everyone deserves to feel understood and accepted.