Dinner Party Jitters - Calm me down please! (vent)

[Independent Gal]

Tonight I'm going to dinner with FI at his senior colleague's house. The other guests are people I know slightly and like a lot: very warm, generous, kind, and ego-free despite being at the height of their professions. So I'm looking forward to seeing them.

Anyway, SC (senior colleague) is not someone I've spent time with, but I've been harboring this horrible grudge against him because of something he said to FI after we got engaged. To the point where, I'm only going to dinner because FI said it's really important to him that I go.

FI had mentioned to SC that we would likely have trouble coordinating our careers since it will be hard for us to BOTH settle in permanently with an organization in the same place. SC said 'Well, why doesn't she just go to law school or something?'

Some of you might be thinking, 'why would this make IG so upset?'. Here is why. I spent 10 years in university, and earned a total of 5 degrees, including 2 en route to a Ph.D. This was all geared toward doing the job I have now, which, granted, I have a love / hate relationship with. But it's what I wanted to do (overarchingly... there were forays into firefighter and opera singer) since I was a kid. I've had other kinds of jobs and enjoyed them. So I know there's more out there for me if necessary. But this is still the thing I love most.

It just disgusts me that SC automatically assumes that it would be ME - THE WOMAN - that has to change careers ... start all over again, go back for more school... I mean, I've had ENOUGH school, thank you very much. And I'm happy to say that so far (knock wood) I've been tremendously successful - every bit as successful as FI and signs suggest that I will 'take the lead' in the coming years. And 10 years is a lot of time to work toward something.

'Why don't I go to law school or something?' Uh, because I already HAVE a successful career. Why don't YOU go to law school or something, you presumptuous JERK! Why don't you suggest that FI does? Why me? Because I'm a woman! RRRAWR that makes me angry.

OK, I know I'm overreacting. I think he just touched what is probably THE most sensitive nerve I've got which makes it hard to just let it go.

After all, there may come a time when one of us DOES have to make some serious sacrifices. It scares me. But when and if that time comes, we are going to make the choice of who 'makes the sacrifice' on RATIONAL criteria. I.e., not gender roles.

So I have to calm down and let it go so I can be a charming dinner guest.

Must... not... take... cheap shot at host... Right?! not even a little one? I couldn't say

"SC, I've been wondering. Did you ever consider law school?' or something like that?

I know, I know.

Hope this hasn't been too incoherent. Thanks for letting me vent a little.

 

[Independent Gal]

Maybe this parallel will clarify it:

Imagine you've always wanted to help women have babies. So you spend years in school to become an OB/GYN. You get a good job and you love your work.

Then you marry a man who is, let's say, a specialist in world hunger who, for his career, may need to go live abroad in places where you're not licensed to practice. You both know this could be a problem.

But then someone says 'Well, why can't she just be a plumber instead?'

Yes, you COULD be a plumber, and yes, it's possible one of you may have to. But that someone could be him. What gives someone the right to assume that your dreams and goals and hard work are automatically less important than his just because you're female?

AM I OVERREACTING?

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Had SC met you or did he know your academic background before he made that remark? If not, it was probably just an offhand remark he made for the sake of making conversation. I would go to the dinner, pretend I never heard what SC had said and play everything by ear. The first impression of a person is often not the correct one - I hope that''s the case with SC.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yeah, he knew what I do and how I got here (in terms of necessary credentials / education).

From the way FI told me about it, I''m pretty sure it came from a pit of taken-for-granted sexism in SC''s brain.

But I''m sure he has other redeeming qualities! I will keep an open mind.

 

[TravelingGal]

IG,

Some people are pigs.

Not worth it to get in the trough.

You know you bring home the bacon.

 

[Independent Gal]

OK, TG, you just made my day.
If I start to feel RAWR at the dinner, I''m just going to think of that line and smile.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hehe...tell you hubby to discreetly "oink" at you once in while if there's tension because, well, oink is a darn funny word/sound.

ETA "OINK" neutralizes "RAWR"

 

[Julianna]

I just wanted to say: FIVE degrees? FIVE?? FIIIIVE? Are you kidding me? And you''re doing something you love? You''re my hero. Seriously. How many people can say they are doing what they love, much less doing it with five freaking degrees. Holy. Schmoley.

And that is all I have to say about that.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/4/2007 12:56:23 PM
Author: Julianna
I just wanted to say: FIVE degrees? FIVE?? FIIIIVE? Are you kidding me? And you''re doing something you love? You''re my hero. Seriously. How many people can say they are doing what they love, much less doing it with five freaking degrees. Holy. Schmoley.

And that is all I have to say about that.

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

 

[Julianna]

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/4/2007 12:56:23 PM
Author: Julianna
I just wanted to say: FIVE degrees? FIVE?? FIIIIVE? Are you kidding me? And you're doing something you love? You're my hero. Seriously. How many people can say they are doing what they love, much less doing it with five freaking degrees. Holy. Schmoley.

And that is all I have to say about that.

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I'm getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

AY-MEN! And again I say holy schmoley.

Also, hee hee, get a burn, heh heh. You're silly.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/4/2007 12:59:09 PM
Author: Julianna

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/4/2007 12:56:23 PM
Author: Julianna
I just wanted to say: FIVE degrees? FIVE?? FIIIIVE? Are you kidding me? And you''re doing something you love? You''re my hero. Seriously. How many people can say they are doing what they love, much less doing it with five freaking degrees. Holy. Schmoley.

And that is all I have to say about that.

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

AY-MEN! And again I say holy schmoley.

Also, hee hee, get a burn, heh heh. You''re silly.

And not very bright either with my one puny degree! Hehehe. Kidding. I''m actually proud of my BA in BS (English).

Good luck with the dinner IG!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

Good one.


I like the oink thing.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:01:51 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

Good one.


I like the oink thing.

I have their albums....

 

[Independent Gal]

ETA: LOL about the burns.

TG: I will inform FI of the excellent OINK plan! He loves stuff like that. We have a few other inside 'signals' that make us smile in social situations. My favourite is the worm signal. If someone is a big windbag and really full of themselves, then one of us makes a wormy signal with our finger. It comes from an old Prussian story about a fancy cigarette box that tells a worm who is about to eat it that it once belonged to Frederick the Great. The box goes on and on about how SPECIAL it is. And the worm basically says 'Well, you just taste like wood to me' and goes on munching.

And I really do feel better already. I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

And Julianna, only three of those degrees feel 'real'. My bachelor's, the first Master's, and the Ph.D. Many American universities give you extra degrees en route to the Ph.D., as in, after you finish your Ph.D. coursework they give you a token MA, then after you finish your comprehensive examinations, they give you an M.Phil. (master of philosophy), and the Ph.D. comes when your thesis is done. So, you end up with 2 extra degrees that you didn't do anything extra for, if you see what I mean.

But yeah, I'm SO LUCKY that I'm doing something I love! Well, as my grandma would say Luck = 90% sweat.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:04:29 PM
Author: Independent Gal
TG: I will inform FI of the excellent OINK plan! He loves stuff like that. We have a few other inside 'signals' that make us smile in social situations. My favourite is the worm signal. If someone is a big windbag and really full of themselves, then one of us makes a wormy signal with our finger. It comes from an old Prussian story about a fancy cigarette box that tells a worm who is about to eat it that it once belonged to Frederick the Great. The box goes on and on about how SPECIAL it is. And the worm basically says 'Well, you just taste like wood to me' and goes on munching.

And I really do feel better already. I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

And Julianna, only three of those degrees feel 'real'. My bachelor's, the first Master's, and the Ph.D. Many American universities give you extra degrees en route to the Ph.D., as in, after you finish your Ph.D. coursework they give you a token MA, then after you finish your comprehensive examinations, they give you an M.Phil. (master of philosophy), and the Ph.D. comes when your thesis is done. So, you end up with 2 extra degrees that you didn't do anything extra for, if you see what I mean.

But yeah, I'm SO LUCKY that I'm doing something I love! Well, as my grandma would say Luck = 90% sweat.

Well, sh*t. Two degrees were freebies? I'm calling you "DummyGal" from now on.

 

[Julianna]

And Julianna, only three of those degrees feel ''real''. My bachelor''s, the first Master''s, and the Ph.D. Many American universities give you extra degrees en route to the Ph.D., as in, after you finish your Ph.D. coursework they give you a token MA, then after you finish your comprehensive examinations, they give you an M.Phil. (master of philosophy), and the Ph.D. comes when your thesis is done. So, you end up with 2 extra degrees that you didn''t do anything extra for, if you see what I mean.

But yeah, I''m SO LUCKY that I''m doing something I love! Well, as my grandma would say Luck = 90% sweat.

Well geez, if you''d said that only THREE of your FIVE degrees felt real, and one of those was your FIRST Master''s, I''d have kept my accolades for those with six or eight degrees.

You are TOTALLY my hero. Master of Philosophy, indeed. How fantastic is that. *bowing and scraping*

And your grandma is 100% right. You make your own luck. Have a great dinner, stand up tall and don''t worry about this schmuckatelli.

 

[Independent Gal]

Haha. Schmuckatelli. That is a truly great word.

I hope I didn't sound like that cigarette box in the story, mentioning the degrees. I only mentioned them because of my 'NO MORE SCHOOL!' policy. Sorry if I sounded vain.

And sometimes it helps to reflect on your accomplishments when someone is, uh, questioning your worth as a career woman.

Thanks for the support and advice everyone!

You guys are the best.

 

[Julianna]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:12:03 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Haha. Schmuckatelli. That is a truly great word.

I hope I didn''t sound like that cigarette box in the story, mentioning the degrees. I only mentioned them because of my ''NO MORE SCHOOL!'' policy. Sorry if I sounded vain.

And sometimes it helps to reflect on your accomplishments when someone is, uh, questioning your worth as a career woman.

Thanks for the support and advice everyone!

You guys are the best.

OH MY GOODNESS. I shan''t launch into another diatribe here...suffice it to say that you certainly did not sound vain. Aside from elevating you to near mythical status, your mention of school accomplishments had no effect on the overall vent. Hee hee.

 

[TravelingGal]

No, you didn''t sound vain. When you get your Ph.D, you get a free "bragging degree" too! Anyone who has one in my opinion has the right to brag...it''s quite an accomplishment. I always dreamed of pursuing my Ph.D but realized there wouldn''t be a whole lot of time for dreaming as I spent my youth studying through the night by an IKEA desk lamp.

So you should be (and I am sure you are) very proud of yourself.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:03:31 PM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 9/4/2007 1:01:51 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

Good one.


I like the oink thing.

I have their albums....

And IG, you didn''t sound vain at all. I think we all knew you mentioned them to help prove why you would be irritated by that remark he made.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:20:56 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/4/2007 1:03:31 PM
Author: Lorelei

Date: 9/4/2007 1:01:51 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/4/2007 12:57:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I know, seriously. I struggled to get one degree. The only way I''m getting anywhere close to even three degrees is if I get a burn.

Good one.


I like the oink thing.

I have their albums....

And IG, you didn''t sound vain at all. I think we all knew you mentioned them to help prove why you would be irritated by that remark he made.

BTW Ellen and Lorelei, you two are SO silly.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:22:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal
BTW Ellen and Lorelei, you two are SO silly.

Why thank you!

 

[Jaders731]

Independent Gal...

Just wanted to point out one more thing..

Does your FI like his job? is he liked/valued in his job?

It could be that the comment from SC, was more of a comment of "well, we dont want to lose you, so the only option would be for Independent Gal to get another job"

I''m just trying to think of it from another perspective... I can see why you were upset.. I sure as heck wouldnt want anyone dismissing my education and career with such a thoughtless comment.. but it absolutely could be that SC could really value your FI, and the mere thought of losing him doesnt even enter into SC''s mind... ?

Maybe? or am I just grasping for straws...

Anywho.. glad you are feeling a little better about this.. and the lovely banter and commentary sounded like it was just what you needed!!

As Madam Bijoux said... first impressions are often wrong.. so I would definitely go into this dinner party as if you never heard that comment in the first place.

Hope that helps!!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

It''s Dr.IG now...

 

[Independent Gal]

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/4/2007 1:26:54 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 9/4/2007 1:22:42 PM
Author: TravelingGal
BTW Ellen and Lorelei, you two are SO silly.

Why thank you!

Thankies too TG!!

 

[Independent Gal]

And Hudson, any time you got a bad case of The Questions and you need a perscription for knowledge, you know who to call. The Doctor is in!

(Disclaimer: Not covered by most drug plans).

 

[wolftress]

What a jerk!!!! I would have been just as outraged as you were.

And I''d find it just as hard not to take a cheap shot. But you are better than that, and as you are a dinner guest, it''s probably better if you didn''t say anything. When he''s YOUR guest, however, take all the pot shots you can. It infuriates me when people assume that it should be the woman who sacrifices her career for a relationship. What he said was patronising and rude. Grrr...

 

[Ellen]

Well, how did it go?

 

[Independent Gal]

I didn''t take any shots. I swear.

But I did volley a couple back across the net, if you know what I mean. He made some rude comments and for once in my life, I managed a couple of witty come-backs....on the spot instead of thinking of them the next morning! He is truly a class 1 a-hole. I do not like him ONE LITTLE BIT! Other than that I tried to be nice and charming though, for FI''s sake.

The party was ok, if a bit long. Who wants to keep chatting after 5 hours? Time for bed people! Let''s get moving! There were two other couples there. One couple I knew from before who are so sweet and VERY interesting. The other couple were very engaging too. He does something with Turkish music and she plays piano. Their son is becoming a pilot and they kept making little ''we''re ashamed'' noises, which I thought was beyond weird. What could be more awesome than being a PILOT!!!! I mean, can you say chick-magnet? Oh, and you get to fly planes everyday. Sounds good to me. Sign me up. There''s a career change I could live with.