did your relationship with your friends change after you got married?

[ficklefaye]

once one of my friends got married, i hardly saw her anymore

one of my friends told me that her married friend didn''t want to hang out with her until she found someone, very, very rude...

not to say that this happens to everyone, i was just curious how everyone else''s experiences were

 

[cammy85]

It wasn''t really that after marriage things changed, but throughout the course of the wedding planning process, I really learned who my friends really were and weren''t. There are some people I had a falling out with prior to the wedding, and some people I got closer to, and that stuck around long after the wedding. I haven''t really had anything change from the day I got married however. I do regret losing the friendships that I have, but unfortunately they were toxic anyway. I think if I had people treating me the way they are treating you all over being married, they don''t deserve your friendship in the first place!

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m guilty

Since I got married I don''t see my friends as much as before, I tried to at least go out with them every 2 weeks, but I just feel lazy now. I rather being home with my DH

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m coping this from nakedfinger from the tread What really changed after marriage???

Less socializing. The number of restaurants, bars, and lounges you go to will plummet by 20-60%. And when you do (grudgingly) leave the house to meet friends, you''ll go home 90 minutes earlier than before.

 

[omieluv]

I am not married yet, but most of my friends are. I did not treat or behave any differently toward my friends after they got married, nor did they treat me negatively. However, my mother had a much different experience. Before she was married, she was part of a group of like 8 friends. They were definitely the party type and would go on vacations and hit bars/clubs on weekends. After my mom got married, they stopped calling her and did not include her when they got together, which really hurt my mother''s feelings. Sure, she would not be able to go out as much, but she still wanted to spend time with her friends seperate from my dad (he had his own friends too). Later, she got the feeling they were jealous because she was the first in the group to get married and they all thought my dad was very attractive.

 

[ficklefaye]

aww, omieluv, maybe those friends weren''t worth keeping if jealously stopped them from inviting your mom out with them, that''s just mean

 

[zoebartlett]

My relationships with friends didn''t change and I can''t see why someone''s would. Maybe if one person gets married and then feels that he/she isn''t in the same place in life as others...

 

[Lilac]

My relationship with my friends didn''t change much in the sense that I see them the same way and make an effort to still see and speak to them the same amount as before. However, there are times when DH and I go out together in a group with friends we do prefer to go home earlier rather than later because now we can go home together. But the number of times we try to see our friends has pretty much stayed the same.

I have noticed though that my friends call less often. When in the past they used to call whenever they wanted to talk, now they''ll only call during the day and they''ll send a text at night instead. They rarely text or try to reach me late at night when they know DH is home (I don''t mind talking to them when he''s home, but I guess in their minds they don''t want to bother us when they know we''re together.)

 

[newsboysgrl777]

I've only been married for 3 weeks and one week (and 2 days) of that we were away on our honeymoon and then I got sick and am only just starting to feel better today...so I haven't seen anyone since the wedding. However, here's something very...curious. I don't want to make this thread all about me, or hijack or create drama, so I'll try to keep it short.

I asked my friend to be my MOH because, at the time, she had been REALLY considering changing her major to party planning (specifically weddings) and I told her pre-engagement that if I got engaged, she'd be my planner. Well, when I first got engaged, she was super excited and wanted to help, still wanted to be a planner, etc., etc., so it made total sense to have her be the MOH since she'd have SUCH an active role in my wedding. Well...fast forward to a few months later (maybe after our engagement party, where I feel like things started to FEEL different with her)...she decides she doesn't want to do party planning and she also decides she's moving out of state (and then, because I'm disappointed about her leaving, tells me that I knew that before I asked her to be my MOH, which I didn't!! I knew she wanted to move eventually, but I didn't know her timeline..and, if SHE knew her timeline, why didn't see say anything when I ASKED her to be my MOH?) and she was just kind of...passively hostile toward me. I hardly talked to her after she moved, she didn't come up for my shower, and then she came the day before the rehearsal for the wedding.

She seemed okay and eager to help with things and seemed excited about the wedding, but I really couldn't tell if it was a put-on or genuine (and I felt sort of on-edge around her because of her previous passive-aggressive actions). Well, then a LOT of stuff went wrong on my day, I was also VERY nervous, and she was not only UNsupportive, she made things WORSE for me!! (At one point, I was upset because it rained...and I mean POURED at our reception, which was under a tent...and she said to me "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything"

I was shocked! I replied "I have a right to be upset about this," but then I just shut up after that because I thought maybe I WAS being too negative?? Even though I knew, at the same time, that I had a right to feel disappointment that the ONE THING I feared would happen during my reception, did happen).

ANYWAY, after that, DH and I went on our honeymoon...we drove down to FL and on our way back home, we stopped in NC where MOH moved to and I called her up to see her. (This was a pre-planned thing, so it wasn't last minute) We spent some time there the night we got in (but curiously enough, she invited her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend (both of whom I'd never met) and she ended up talking with them A LOT more than us during the night), then the next day we went out to lunch (her cousin ended up coming AGAIN), and that's it.

She SEEMED cordial to me when we were visiting her, but do you think maybe she was only being kind as a 'remainder' of her MOH duties and that's it? I ask because I've texted and emailed and facebook messaged her since I've been home (not incessently. I've sent one email, one facebook comment, and maybe 2 texts), but she hasn't replied to any of them...except for the one where I said "Are you getting my texts?" 2 days later she texted me back "sorry for the delay. Yes I'm getting your texts" but she never RESPONDED to the previous text (which was a question) and...I just, I don't know? Then I texted her a question today...another question. Haven't gotten a response yet. What do you ladies think?

I know you may say I don't need a friend like this anyway (and I'm kind of agreeing with you), but it's still SO hurtful. She was such a good friend initially (when we met 2.5 years ago), but it's like ever since our engagement party (last Sept), she's gotten VERY frigid and almost hateful toward me. And I'm wondering what in the world I did (or that I continue to do) wrong?!

Again, sorry I made this so long...I did try to be concise.

ETA: I know I've made this so long already, but I do have one more question. I know on another thread (maybe in BWW) someone said they could find out if someone blocked them on facebook. I'd like to know if you could tell me how I could find out? NOT to start drama, but maybe just for some CONCRETE facts (and then closure).

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/23/2009 7:44:47 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett
My relationships with friends didn''t change and I can''t see why someone''s would. Maybe if one person gets married and then feels that he/she isn''t in the same place in life as others...

ditto. My relationship with my friends haven''t changed at all. I still love going out with them, with and without D and the only thing that they all find hilarious is that I''m a Mrs now (I''m the first to get married out of my close group of friends).

 

[Patchee]

Not at all. The friday after my wedding I had everyone over our house to help drink all the left over alcohol! LOL We (DH and I) have stayed close with friends and continue to.

BUT, I have been shoned from friend of the past that were all about hanging out etc. until they got married. They just stayed home to play house then play mommy and that was the last I saw of them, sad...

 

[anchor31]

Not at all! I''d be sad if it had.

 

[Haven]

None of our friendships changed after we got married, but I do see less of a very dear friend of mine ever since *she* got married. Her husband is the drink-until-he''s-drunk type, and they spend every weekend doing just that in bars in the city or at their lake house.

We''re just not into that, so I do see less of her now.

 

[geckodani]

We pretty much hang with the same group of folks we did before, if a bit less infrequently. I think that has more to do with money than anything else.

One of our friends married someone we can''t stand, so we do tend to see less of them, which is unfortunate.

 

[ficklefaye]

newsboysgrl, is it possible that your friend is jealous of you? is she known to hop from one profession to another or one state to another? i don''t know why she would expect you to know her timeline about moving away, if you did know, you probably would have chosen a different MOH, from what you are saying, she seems unsupportive and i''m sorry to hear that she contributed to that fact that you were unhappy about your wedding day

if she is not returning your attempts to contact her, it really does seem like she is avoiding you, but please don''t let it get to you, because it really seems like it''s issues with her and not you

 

[musey]

Nope, not at all!

My relationship with my friends changed a bit when I first got serious with my now-husband, but that was mostly because I wasn''t that close with those friends to begin with (I was new in town and had known them only a month or two longer than hubs).

My relationship with long-term friends did not change at any point between single - dating - cohabiting - engaged - married.

In fact, my lifestyle hasn''t really changed much at all during any of those relationship shifts, least of which with marriage. It really has not impacted how I live my life, other than the romantic side of my social life.

 

[sba771]

I am not married but when I got engaged, or even before that when I became serious and a ''grownup.'' I got engaged within 9 months of graduating college. In that time I moved and got a grownup job. Most of my friends were either taking time off or going to grad school so they were all still in the college mindset. It changed. I wasn''t much of a partier or drinker while in school so that was always something to overcome then, now its even worse because I do not enjoy going to bars watching them get drunk and make-out with random strangers. I did do it though because friendships are important to me. Now being an ocean apart from everyone it has really helped me see who my real friends are because they are the ones I actually email with. When we move back to NY I am actually excited because we will be moving near where my FI grew up and a lot of his peers are married and starting families and are back in the area. I hope to become friendly with them since we will probably be more in the same place. Friendships do grow over time and you do grow out of some of them.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

A few of my friends fell off the face of the earth once they were married, but in each instance there were babies involved. Babies suck the social life out of you. It really hurt our feelings (the collective group).

 

[Miscka]

Unfortunately, yes. And not for the better. I think people think that since I am married, I must not want to do the things I used to do. I am still the same person! I still like to go out and have fun. I don''t think that changed. Yes, I wear a ring and come home to the same man every night, but that doesn''t mean I don''t want a social life. I have always been a super social person, so it''s been hard but I am working on it.

 

[omieluv]

Date: 7/23/2009 6:15:21 PM
Author: ficklefaye
aww, omieluv, maybe those friends weren''t worth keeping if jealously stopped them from inviting your mom out with them, that''s just mean

You are correct. She lost contact with all but 1 of them over the years. However, she encountered them briefly to celebrate her friend''s 55th b-day. My mom said they were all very nasty to her. They all ended up getting married, but nearly all were divorced (except my mom and the 1 friend she still taked to). My mom of course moved on from them many years prior and made new friends, so she made it out ok.

Miscka - I am sorry you are having a rough go of it. My mother and I had lunch today and I mentioned the topic of this thread. She rolled her eyes and said that her friends made her feel terrible after she got married, but she eventually moved on.

 

[anyname]

Date: 7/23/2009 4:46:50 PM
Author: cammy85
It wasn''t really that after marriage things changed, but throughout the course of the wedding planning process, I really learned who my friends really were and weren''t. There are some people I had a falling out with prior to the wedding, and some people I got closer to, and that stuck around long after the wedding. I haven''t really had anything change from the day I got married however. I do regret losing the friendships that I have, but unfortunately they were toxic anyway. I think if I had people treating me the way they are treating you all over being married, they don''t deserve your friendship in the first place!

yea, pretty much this.

 

[CNOS128]

You know, I was out to dinner with a friend last night, and she was complaining to me about a mutual friend of ours. That mutual friend is someone who used to be very close to me, but slowly we''ve grown apart. After I got engaged, I noticed a definite change in our already-suffering friendship. She stopped responding to emails, answering my phone calls -- and would call me back a week later. She hasn''t spoken to me at all since I got married 2 months ago (she was at the wedding).

But last night I heard that this friend has done the same thing with a couple of other friends who''ve gotten married. It made me feel slightly less confused by the situation, but no less annoyed. I think she really struggles with the fact that her friends are getting married, but she''s not married or engaged yet. I know for a fact that when she and her boyfriend are getting along well and progressing with their relationship, she calls me up to hang out (and perhaps to brag about her relationship...); but when they are fighting or something in her relationship hasn''t gone the way she wants it to, she''ll avoid me.

This is my only friendship that''s changed since marriage. I''m kind of tempted to end it altogether, but that''s such a hard thing for me to do.




And now I''m remembering that one of my very first posts on PS was about this friend''s jealousy of my relationship, before I was even engaged. So I guess it''s really not changed all that much!!

 

[elrohwen]

We've been dating since the end of college, so all of our new friends in this area have known us as a couple. We've also lived together for two years, so we're more or less a married couple as it is (at least as it relates to spending time with friends).

In one group of friends, we'll be the newlyweds because the majority of them are married, engaged, or in serious relationships. Among my work friends, we'll be the old married couple because most of them are still single by choice and spend a lot of time bar hopping

I don't see how our relationship will change with either of those groups after marriage.

Our college friends don't live near us, but they're all mutual friends anyway (we were in the same major and shared almost all of our friends even before we started dating) so hanging out with them won't change.

Basically, nothing will change with us! Which I'm happy about.

ETA: In my group of friends, it's having kids that really changes someone's relationship with the group, but it's totally understandable as well. I love that the group still tries to include the kid people and the kid people still try to spend time with everyone else.

 

[tigian]

Some of my relationships changes, some didn''t. It''s funny, now that I think about it, my best friendships remained the same. I guess that is why they were my best friendships to begin with. My other friendships are just not as close due to having different lifestyles or goals.

 

[Blair138]

Date: 7/28/2009 1:40:02 AM
Author: popcorn

Date: 7/23/2009 4:46:50 PM

Author: cammy85

It wasn''t really that after marriage things changed, but throughout the course of the wedding planning process, I really learned who my friends really were and weren''t. There are some people I had a falling out with prior to the wedding, and some people I got closer to, and that stuck around long after the wedding. I haven''t really had anything change from the day I got married however. I do regret losing the friendships that I have, but unfortunately they were toxic anyway. I think if I had people treating me the way they are treating you all over being married, they don''t deserve your friendship in the first place!

yea, pretty much this.

Thritto this...my core group of friends showed their true colors...needless to say I don''t spend as much time with them anymore...on the plus side I have realized who my good friends are and feel very blessed that I have people like them in my life

 

[Elmorton]

Yes, my friendships changed, but I also moved away 6 mos later, started a real job, etc - so that was inevitable.

I think the my friendships are a lot less "free" than they used to be. I''m a little more guarded, a little more formal sometimes, and a lot less wild. I care about different things than I used to. I''m also probably the most ready out of my friends for kids, which makes things different. But I don''t think my friendships are worse because of these things, they''re just different. I still love my friends and they love me, it''s just that we''re growing up.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Since we lived together for 6 years before we got married, I dont see our social life changing one bit. We dont plan on having kids and neither do some of our close friends, so it should be pretty close to normal from here on out

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Date: 7/24/2009 4:21:05 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
A few of my friends fell off the face of the earth once they were married, but in each instance there were babies involved. Babies suck the social life out of you. It really hurt our feelings (the collective group).

True about the babies. Luckily we have a few friends with kids who MAKE TIME to spend with friends without the kids. I think thats really cool of them and very important.

 

[trillionaire]

FI and I have been together for nearly six years, so I don't see much changing as everyone that knows us, knows us as a couple or thinks of us that way. We still like to party from time to time, but we are not big club people, and we love to go out and do things as a couple, too. The only change that I foresee is just maybe shifts in the time of day that I talk to friends. I tend to be a night owl, but FI and I do like to snuggle up together for bed, so I might have to adjust some of my timing. Other than that, no biggie, but I do find myself looking forward to doing things with other couples! I wouldn't slight my single friends, but I do find myself thinking about couple's trips and girl's trips as separate events, and it kind of surprised me how quickly I made that dichotomy. I think part of it is that my single friends and family members spend a LOT of time talking about their waning love lives, which I don't mind talking about from time to time, but it does make me sad. I want them to be as happy as I am! But I almost feel like I can't talk about how happy I feel, because it almost comes off as insensitive to say, "Hey, I know you are VERY single right now, but let me remind you how happy I am with this incredible guy"...

(my friends are THRILLED for me though, not at all jealous or catty about our engagement) So yeah, I find myself day-dreaming about hanging out with couples, and praying for my friends and family to find love so that we can all be happy couples! (note: happiness comes from within, not from being part of a couple.)

I will say though, from seeing it happen to other people, make sure you maintain relationships with your friends, singles or couples, because if something happens to your marriage, illness, death, divorce, lossing a child, etc, you are going to NEED them! Don't think that your SO is enough to sustain you through it, you will need outside support. So don't ditch your family either.


Sorry, that was long...

 

[AsscherGirl]

Nope! We were together for almost 9 years before we got married and got together in high school so almost every single one of our friends is mutual anyhow and we''ve always hung out in a group. Certainly makes it easier! We have one pair of friends who has kids and although we don''t see them AS much, it''s no biggie. They make an effort to come out, but totally understand that they have children.