Dear Abby makes me so mad sometimes!!!!

[luckystar112]

From today''s "Dear Abby".

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Courtney," was recently married, and the week leading up to the wedding was a disaster. My husband, "Jeff," and I paid for the majority of her lavish wedding with assistance from her new in-laws. My ex-husband, "Earl" (Courtney''s father), didn''t pay for any portion of it. Over the past 15 years he has offered little support, financially or emotionally. In fact, Earl has stolen from both of my daughters (it was identity theft) and ran up thousands of dollars in bills, not to mention the unpaid medical expenses and child support.
Courtney and her fiance''s family were scheduled to stay at our house for a few days prior to the wedding. One week before they were scheduled to come, Courtney informed me that she wanted to "establish a new relationship" with her father and his side of the family.

Being already emotional about the wedding, I flipped out. I didn''t understand how she could do this to me and her stepdad after all our years of picking up the pieces.

Courtney told me to "stuff it" and did as she pleased. Her new in-laws sided with her. They were aware of the problems with Earl, the stolen money, etc. Jeff and I attended the wedding, but were treated poorly. Needless to say, Earl was treated like a king.

Jeff thinks I need to write Courtney off, as she has shown her true colors. Right now, I am very upset. Have you any suggestions? -- DEVASTATED IN PHOENIX

DEAR DEVASTATED: Yes, I do. If you want to spare yourself years of pain and aggravation, you will listen to your husband. It appears that Courtney is her father''s daughter.

The sacrifices you made to raise her have resulted in her becoming a selfish, self-centered, rude adult. In order for her to fulfill her fantasy of being "Daddy''s girl," she was willing to sacrifice her relationship with you. For your own sake, do not forget it. Unless you can take a giant emotional step backward, Courtney will continue to treat you like a doormat -- and don''t be surprised if she uses any children she has as leverage. Be forewarned.


My response:

Dear Abby,
I rarely disagree with you, but your advice to "Devastated in Phoenix" was so extreme that I just had to respond.
I grew up with my alcoholic father in and out of my life whenever he pleased. I too am about to get married, and my father will be there.
"Devastated" obviously holds a lot of resentment toward her ex-husband. However, there comes a time when it is no longer her battle to fight, and it is up to the daughter to decide if she is willing to forgive.
Negativity breeds negativity, and holding on to resentment does nothing to break the chain.
To claim that the daughter is a selfish, self-centered, rude adult for being able to put her father''s misgivings in the past is just so off the wall that I can''t even begin to respond.
In my case, I am well aware of the strength and courage it took my mother to raise me by herself and I will never forget that. Luckily, I have a mother who understands the importance of compassion and forgiveness and would never "flip out" on me for making a decision that only I can make.
The bride is now a grown woman who is about to start her own family. The mother and step-father got her there, and they should be proud. Shame on them for letting jealousy and resentment overshadow what should have been their proudest moment as parents.
-Not "Daddy''s little girl

 

[Rhea]

I honestly can''t believe Abby''s reply! Who cuts a daughter out over one-day? Weddings are stressful with emotions running high for everyone involved.

 

[justageek]

Wow. Unbelievable! I''ve only read her advice column once or twice, but she usually seemed to try to stay on the fence. That''s horribly one-sided, blatantly selfish advice. Hopefully, this upset mom won''t listen to her...

 

[luckystar112]

I read it to my mom and she was flabbergasted. I''m willing to put my father''s lack of participation in my life in the past. That must mean that I don''t respect my mom and that I am a rude, self-centered "daddy''s girl".

The parent''s are probably feeling betrayed and unappreciated. They need to get over it. It doesn''t specify how they were treated at the wedding, but methinks it was all a figment of their imagination since they were so offended that the father was there. Please.

lol I''m so mad about this, even hours later.

 

[asscherisme]

I just read that column a few hours ago and was pretty shocked at the answer too. Abby is telling her mother to estrange herself from her daughter and not even try to work it out? As a mom myself, that advice shocks me!

 

[MoonWater]

How long has Dear Abby been around? Maybe she''s senile.

 

[luckystar112]

-- and don''t be surprised if she uses any children she has as leverage. Be forewarned.

Because someone who is willing to put the past behind her in order to build relationships sounds JUST like the type of person to hold her kids hostage from their grandmother.

 

[door knob solitaire]

In fact, Earl has stolen from both of my daughters (it was identity theft) and ran up thousands of dollars in bills, not to mention the unpaid medical expenses and child support.

Have any of you had your identity stolen? (thankfully I haven''t) Your bank account or credit card canceled because the funds are not there. You get evicted from your rental because the automatic payment didn''t pay. An avalanche of things and calls and letters you have to make to follow up. With explanations which no one believes you. You miss work and school and you may have to guard your car from the repo man until it all gets settled.

You can''t apply for a mortgage for years as your credit is damaged. Children''s education and college admittance can be deferred or even canceled. A new job will not be in the cards for you as you appear as a dead beat and desperate to steal from the new employer.

A stolen identity is not something that you can just snap a finger and get fixed. It can take years to repair. THE FATHER STOLE her identity. This is the part you guys missed. He is a low life scum to take something from his TWO daughters than may very well damage their future. Kids just starting out shouldn''t have to deal with a theft...from a PARENT. This MAN she thinks is her father will likely be the one who took the wedding cash or presents and returns them. In a month you may get to read an entry from the daughter about what to do about it.

The main theme here Abby saw, the mother wrote, and I read...is this guy didn''t care about her a child to monetarily provide for her. He doesn''t care about her future and the consequences of stealing their identity. The daughter showed him respect over the honorable people in her life.

The real parent and the step father who stepped up and honored the life and health and happiness of this kid were understandably shocked and dismayed over the kid doing all this reconciling all of a sudden before the wedding...so her little princess world would be so perfect. She did so at the last minute, when all the plans were finalized, all the checks (not one she wrote) had been written.

It wasn''t what she did, but when she did it that displays an extreme disregard and willful intent to hurt the mother and husband. Had she been the mature adult she would and could have handled this with a greater sensitivity to those whose feelings have been involved for a lifetime. Instead she just took everything that was given for her in this lavish wedding and turned her back at the last minute and allowed her face to be shadowed by the crumb of a man who was only the sperm donor.

Yes, she was selfish, and a brat and insensitive. Odds are the crumby guy will let his true colors shine soon...and will snap her head off and spit in the hole.

After all that is what he has a history of doing!

Forgiveness should always be encouraged. Just be careful what you do to the others in the midst. She didn''t. Her actions were evident in the fact that that week was all about her...her feelings...her world...her...as in ME ME ME...to heck with the rest of you! I''m going to do what I want and what looks good and appears perfect...for all the guests around me.

Yeah...yeah...yeah...here I go with my opinion getting involved with something shouldn''t. Let the mud pies start flying! §

see...I told you Ali...TROUBLE with a capital T!!!

 

[MoonWater]

dks, I agree, the guy is scum, and if it were my dad, I wouldn't let him get near me with a 10 foot pole. However, Dear Abby's advice telling the woman to abandon her daughter was absurd. I can see another side to this story. The last minute thing had nothing to do with being inconsiderate and everything to do with it being the biggest day of her life and she felt as thought both her parents should be there. My mother is nuttier than a fruit cake and a completely disgusting person in my opinion, and I still struggle day to day with wondering if I should invite her to my own wedding. Granted, I never will, but I always have this feeling that I should because, well, she's my mom. No matter what she's done, she is my mother. Perhaps this girl just caved under that pressure and wanted to give her father another chance. That is her decision, not her mothers. Besides, it was HER identity that was stolen. If she can forgive her dad, there is nothing her mother can do about it. No one should write their child off for something that could only be determined as a possible mistake. If a parent wants to do that, perhaps they shouldn't have had children in the first place.

 

[FireGoddess]

Luckystar, I kinda gotta agree with Dear Abby here. That's the advice I'd give, after reading this account of the situation.

Keep in mind here that your situation is different, no matter how much you empathize with the daughter in this situation. It appears that this hit a nerve with you as you feel you are in a somewhat similar situation, and feel that Abby is telling the woman to write her daughter off instead of forgive and forget.

But your situation is NOT the same (at least I hope, with the identity theft and all that). I won't go into details here but I know a woman who has always sacrificed everything for her children, and one of them continues to treat her like crap. Really badly, even when she found out her mother was very ill. After awhile, what more of yourself is there to give? I can completely understand getting to a breaking point. This doesn't mean shunning your children, but it does mean protecting yourself (even emotionally) at some point. Where did it say that 'writing her off' meant shunning her? I didn't surmise that at all. You can still have some sort of relationship with your daughter without letting her take advantage of you, or whatever you want to call it.

 

[iheartscience]

I agree with DKS and FG. The situation the letter writer describes seems pretty different from your own. I think it''s pretty crappy of the daughter to completely abandon her mom and stepfather right before the wedding they paid for.

I think you''re probably taking it so personally because it does have some similarities to your own life.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree with Luckystar. That was horrible advice. Regardless of what the man has or has not done to or for his daughter, if she''s willing to forgive, her mother and stepfather should be proud and pleased to have raised such a considerate person. The girl has decided she doesn''t want to go the rest of her life without her real father. Her mother married him, she obviously thought he had some good at one time. Who''s to say he doesn''t have any good left?


BTW- my mother and father are still married, but I had a long struggle whether my dad should walk me down the aisle. He was a gambling drunk who generally only thinks of himself. He has let his family live without running water, electricity, or groceries. He made sure that no one in my family could "leave him". He kicked me out of the house when I was 19 because he was tired of me "being the mother." (which I had to be since I was 13 due to my mom''s mental illness and subsequent suicide attempt.) This man was verbally and physically abusive as well as "stole" any money any of the children ever had. HOWEVER, he IS my father, and I DO love him dearly. I did have him walk me down the aisle because I knew someday I''d regret it if I didn''t. In the last several years, this man has changed so much for the better. I couldn''t imagine someone ever thinking I should have "written him off" because of his mistakes.

Additionally, you forgive someone their transgressions for YOURSELF. If you hold that kind of hatred, you''ll be the one who''s unhappy.

 

[Skippy123]

I agree w/both you and Dear Abby. I think emotions are high during that time so maybe forgive her daughter and then talk to her daughter over the disagreement. If the daughter still does not see why the mother is upset then the daughter is a bit ungrateful for what her mother did for here. I think it maybe different if the identity theft issue was not involved but since it is, what the father did was wrong and criminal.

It seems like a slap to the mother in a way.


ETA: it looks like people are split on this issue.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/1/2007 4:24:47 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Additionally, you forgive someone their transgressions for YOURSELF. If you hold that kind of hatred, you''ll be the one who''s unhappy.

Amen to that.

 

[diamondfan]

As someone who has a terrible sister who was written off by me and my mother, I do sort of see where she is going. If someone continues to hurt you and disregard you, and you keep being their whipping boy, you know the outcome and you are asking for trouble. I would not necessarily totally write her off yet, but I would minimize contact and minimize the opportunities for her to bash me. Daughter, cousin, sister, it does not matter, it is how you are treated by that person. And I have 35 plus years of experience with this. 35 plus years of hoping someone would change, and be nicer, and realize that she was cruel and hurtful, and she never did. My mother also waited and waited, in vain, only to be hurt time and time again. So, if this is the start of this type of attitude, I would not willingly be part of it, I might tell her that I love her and always will, but that this is hurtful to me and until she can understand it, the relationship is going to change.

PS I also think you can forgive to be at peace yourself, but that does not mean you have to be available for abuse again.

 

[Sabine]

I''m split on this one myself. Although it was understandable that the wedding brought up emotions that made the girl want to reconnect with her father and invovle him in her life, it doesn''t sound like she went about it the right way. She made bad decisions in offending her mom and stepdad in the process because it was so sudden and final. I can see how her mom would be devasted.

But also, we don''t know how old this girl was when the identity theft happened. She may not have fully understood how serious a crime her father committed against her. And her emotions are so caught up in the wedding that she might overlook warning signs of what kind of guy her father really is.

I think this girl needs her mom right now more than ever in case this guy tries to take advantage of her again. Yes, she is a grown woman, but her mother should at least try to work things out and be there for her if this guy screws her over. If the girl gets first hand experience of this guy being a jerk and she still continues to choose him over her mother, then the mother should do what she needs to do for herself.

 

[luckystar112]

I agree that identity theft is an awful thing...and that's about all I agree with. However, I don't think that it can't be overcome. PEOPLE CHANGE.
I do not think that the daughter was trying to put on a show by mending the relationship with her father and his side of the family before the wedding. When you grow up without one parent, as I and many others have, at some point YOU have to make the PERSONAL decision on whether or not YOU are ready to forgive. Getting married and starting a family are huge. It is only natural that before doing so you analyze the relationships around you.

Also, if you read carefully, the only thing that changed was that the bride did not stay at her parent's house before the wedding. Why not? I gather because her mother "flipped out" on her for deciding that she wanted her father there after all. I'm assuming that if something "terrible" happened like the daughter allowed her father to walk her down the aisle instead of her step-father, that would have been disclosed. In any case, there is a lot that wasn't said in this Dear Abby correspondence.

Let me tell you, my father has like five kids from five different women
-is addicted to alcohol
-used to leave me waiting on the porch when he was supposed to pick me up for xmas
-walked right by me at a store and didn't even recognize me when I was 16
-didn't pay an ounce of child support
-never sent a single birthday card
-etc etc etc

He showed up to my high school graduation party and handed me a handwritten letter that was about five pages long where he gave me a very detailed, sincere apology. I didn't realize how much I cared that he wasn't in my life until then. I literally cried for two days. I still have the letter and I keep it dear to me.

I had a friend whose father tried to reconcile with her but she turned him down. When he died a few years later it DESTROYED her. I'll never forget how upset she was at the funeral and I would never let that happen to me.

I hadn't talked to my half brother for like eight years before he contacted me to invite me to his wedding. I thought he hated me that whole time, turns out he just hates our father. His fiance noticed how my brother had all of these questions about this side of the family, and convinced him to get in contact with me. We are very good friends now and I am so glad to have him back. Although I was completely shunned by his side of the family while I was at his wedding and half of the guests didn't even know I existed (let alone the 3 or 4 other mystery siblings).

My gut feeling is that the daughter was probably struggling with talking to her mother about her father because of all the bad air. Thank GOODNESS for the support of her FI and In-laws who convinced her that it is okay to FORGIVE and HEAL broken relationships. The daughter didn't "betray" her mother even a little bit. The mother, (and Abby) betrayed HER.

 

[luckystar112]

P.S. Nowhere does it say that the daughter treated her mother like crap all her life when all she did was give give give.
Or else they would have already known of her "true colors" (as her step-father said) before she ever got married!
I''m assuming here (as is everyone else) but I think the parents are taking this one thing overboard.

 

[Heidi137]

I''m in agreement with Dear Abby. The father has shown his true character for many years. If my daughter told me to "stuff it" under the circumstances, I''d be taking Dear Abby''s advice.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 12/1/2007 6:06:13 PM
Author: Heidi137
I''m in agreement with Dear Abby. The father has shown his true character for many years. If my daughter told me to ''stuff it'' under the circumstances, I''d be taking Dear Abby''s advice.

Okay, and just out of curiosity (in no way wanting to offend) what would make you think you have the right to dictate the relationship between your daughter and her biological father? Writing a check for her wedding? I''m really curious about this. It doesn''t specify in the letter anything the daughter did wrong besides say that she wanted to establish a new relationship with her father and his family, and invite him to the wedding. IF you even consider that "bad".

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmmm...I totally get where Lucky is coming from. Estranged parents sometimes think that their kids should be able to write off a derelict parent because they themselves have done so, but the need of a person to feel her parent's love isn't something that is easily extinguished by bad, even criminal parenting. In time this woman may come to write off her dad. Or, she may not. But that's not her mom's decision. She's not a child.

Her mom sounds protective of her daughter, sure. But mostly she sounds vindictive and jealous. The focus of her letter was not 'I'm so worried about my daughter!!!' The focus of the letter was "After all I've done and all the money I spent, how come I didn't get to be the absolute center of my daughter's world on her wedding day?'

Unless this reflects a pattern of repeated unreasonable behaviour by the daughter, which the letter doesn't suggest, the mom needs to be happy that the dad was THERE for her daughter on her wedding day - which I'm guessing was absolutely HUGE for the daughter - and then just trust that her daughter can sort it out. Unless she truly hates him, a girl wants her father there with her on her wedding day. Mothers should understand that and be glad he actually turned up.

I'm not saying that what the father did wasn't horrible. I'm just saying that it's not the mother's choice whether or not the daughter chooses to maintain a relationship with him. It's her job to counsel the daughter, but the daughter is a grown woman.

If this isn't a pattern of wacky behaviour on the daughter's part, the idea that her mother should DISOWN her because she wanted to spend time over her wedding with her derelict dad is indeed absurd. Should the mom sit the daughter down and say 'Honey, don't forget that he's unreliable and dangerous!' ABSOLUTELY! Should the grown up daughter then make her own mistakes? ABSOLUTELY!

I agree this man is trouble. But I agree with Lucky that disowning your child because she wants to maintain a relationship with her dad is self-centered and silly.

 

[lyra]

I had to firmly step away (forever) from a sibling. But I didn''t do it in malice. I had to do it for my own wellbeing, and that of my husband and children too.

I can understand Abby''s POV, although obviously this stuff is sensationalized to a degree. I would have said it gentler: step away from the situation and let your daughter find out for herself and come back to you in time if she chooses. But in the meantime, do not let this situation run your life. That would be decent advice. Probably, the father will screw up again and the grown up daughter will understand things better in time. Stepping away would lead to the possibility of the mother and daughter repairing this breech further along in the future. JMO.

 

[diamondfan]

Lyra, I did the same thing, although to be honest I had tried to separate before and always got sucked backed in. I always hoped this time it would be better but it never ever was. Even my mother had to distance herself because it was so toxic and destructive. I do not think you should write someone off lightly or over a minor thing, so only these parents can know if it was a super big thing and or the final straw, from this one exchange we do not really have a way of knowing. But I know the pain my mom and I went through, the searching in ourselves to understand why my sister is so miserable and vicious, and honestly, nothing made any sense. So we just had to remove ourselves, and hope she finds peace in her life. Maybe this girl has always been hard and this clinched it. If not, I would think her mother will not abide by a step father''s view, and in time be able to come to some understanding with her about her birth father and the relationships they all have.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/1/2007 6:12:20 PM
Author: luckystar112

Date: 12/1/2007 6:06:13 PM

Author: Heidi137

I'm in agreement with Dear Abby. The father has shown his true character for many years. If my daughter told me to 'stuff it' under the circumstances, I'd be taking Dear Abby's advice.

Okay, and just out of curiosity (in no way wanting to offend) what would make you think you have the right to dictate the relationship between your daughter and her biological father? Writing a check for her wedding? I'm really curious about this. It doesn't specify in the letter anything the daughter did wrong besides say that she wanted to establish a new relationship with her father and his family, and invite him to the wedding. IF you even consider that 'bad'.

That was my problem as well. Nothing in the woman's story indicated that the daughter was ungrateful and crappy previously. She was only discussing this particular incident. I think it's absurd that an advice "expert" would tell a parent to write off a child due to one issue. Especially in light of the fact that this is her biological father. Btw, this is coming from a person who has in fact, permanently written off her own mother. But it took many, many, years to be able to do it and I still struggle with it to this day. It's definitely not a decision that should be made lightly, quickly, or over ONE emotional event.

IndyGal, your posts says it all! I couldn't agree more.
lyra, that's exactly the type of advice I was expecting her to give!

 

[Blenheim]

I can see both sides here, but I''m inclined to agree with Luckystar. It''s just really not clear from what the woman has written, and I don''t think that Abby''s response is justified without more details.

It seems like a possible chain of events could have been that the father contacted the daughter, who felt like he had changed and wanted to give him a second chance. Maybe he''d gone through therapy, maybe he''s gone through rehab to help an addiction (that he was stealing from his kids to finance), who knows. The daughter mentioned to the mom that the dad was coming to the wedding, and the mom flipped out. The daughter said that as an adult, it was her decision whether to have a relationship with her own father, and the mom flipped out some more and the daughter ended up telling her to shove it. The in-laws sided with the daughter because they respected her ability to make her own decisions and because they didn''t have the history with the dad that the mom did. Tensions were high enough that the daughter didn''t stay with the mom before the wedding, because she wanted to be able to relax without constant bickering. Or perhaps, the mother said that she couldn''t stay unless she un-invited the dad and the daughter refused. (The letter does not make it clear who decided that the daughter wouldn''t stay with the mom.) Having paid for the lavish wedding (perhaps her own idea -- I know multiple couples who have had a larger or more lavish wedding than they had planned on because it''s what their parents wanted), the mom felt slighted that the daughter wasn''t spending all of her time before and during the wedding doting on her. The fact that Earl was allowed at the wedding at all could make the mom think that he was being treated like a king... And I''m with Luckystar on that the fact that if the bio dad had walked her down the aisle, had a father-daughter dance with her, or anything like that, the mom would have mentioned it in the letter, so doubt that anything like that happened.

I''m not saying that''s what happened, but that based on the information given and information that was not given, I don''t think that Abby''s response was justified. It''s just as possible that the mom was being a "selfish, self-centered, rude adult" hoping to fulfill some fantasy of how she thought the wedding would be. With more details, I could easily change my opinion, but I don''t think that it''s right to go off like that and tell a mother to cut off her relationship with her daughter because of what might have happened.

Also, Abby''s being incredibly dismissive of the daughter. Fulfill her fantasies of being a daddy''s girl? Seriously!?

And IndyGal, I think that you''re spot on.

 

[KimberlyH]

Hmmm, I didn''t have the visceral reaction some of you did when you read the column, but I do think that telling the mom to completely cut her daughter off is a bit extreme. I can understand the mother''s hurt and angry, she''s the one who did the real work, raising her daughter, and then the prodigal dad, who is at best a sperm donor, at worst a thief, is treated like the man of the hour at a wedding he contributed nothing to, financially or otherwise.

The daughter was extremely insensitive; a responsible adult who is ready to be married is capable of having tough conversations with other adults. She could have approached her mom, long before the wedding, and discussed wanting her biological father to attend and explained why rather than taking an "it is what it is so take it or ''stuff it''" approach. Very childish.

If I were the girl''s mother and this instance was the only one of her treating my poorly I don''t think I would cut her off, but our relationship would be forever altered by the choice she made. Her relationship with her father would not be something I could get excited about, but I would accept it and hope that my ex-husband had become a better person who deserved to be in my daughter''s life, for the sake of my daughter. But knowing that the recidivism rate of criminals is as high as it is, and that people who choose to be bad parents/people typically can''t/don''t change (and most definitely can''t make up for their absence) I would be very leary about his return.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I love this place....it seems we are all ...well, we all come from nut farms

. It sure makes me feel better knowing there are no sitcom perfect families...and that I wasn''t the only one short cheated. We are all nuts! I say that in a loving way!!! Group hug???

I re read the Abby thing, and I think the husband Jeff is the one who said to write off daughter. Think about it. He above all is the one most hurt. I am sure the brunt of the finances were from him. He stepped in and played father to his wife''s daughter-for we don''t know how long. It is possible this guy took her to the emergency room when she has fever...held her hand when her kitten died...had a talk with the boy who picked her up for her first date...and bought her prom dress. He did get chided. You remember the letter said the last week leading up to the wedding. It was an emotional event for everyone. And it was planned that the grooms family was staying with her. New sheets and towels and food and things were down to accommodate them. Closets rearranged. This took a lot of planning and sacrifice..don''t you think?

Lets all picture ourselves at the reception. The mic is in the daughters hand..she is introducing her family...this is the man I call dad...he raised me...clothed me fed me took care of me paid for college and braces loved me as his own and paid for this wedding.

This is my real father. He left me for dead...never raised a finger to help...stole my identity causing me serious financial damage and well... heeerrrrreeee isssssss EEEEEAAAARLLLEEE isn''t he just the best?

Look that may not have happened. But to Jeff, and the mother...it is the same as getting a billboard out and saying how wonderful Earle is.

Another thing I would like to include that it is possible that the real parents are the ones who bailed out or paid the thousands of dollars repercussion from the identity theft. Some of you say it wasn''t the mothers identity that was stolen...true. But I bet it was their check book that handled it! The other subject leads me to believe the mother and husband have been financially responsible for most of the time...which has a crescendo of the wedding.

I wonder if the write off is more of a you are on your own Missy...Don''t come back for another page out of our checkbook. You are an adult now...messing with fire. You get in a jam...you''ll have to get yourself out. That is the write off I see. And it is deserved.§

 

[somethingshiny]

DKS~ I''ll join the group hug, we are all nuts....hmmmm....are shiny things taking the place of love in our lives?.....YUP!!!

Good point about the "financial" write off. If that''s the case, I agree. There is no reason for a parent to continue financial responsibility to an adult child. So, while I would hope that mom would still be there if daughter gets emotionally hurt by dad, I can''t say that mom should have to pick her up financially.

 

[nebe]

Staying out of the actual letter, I have to say Dear Abby and Miss Manners piss me right off my chair. I can't stand either of them. They're dated old hags who need to retire and stop giving people bad advice from the '50s.

 

[Mara]

i can see both sides of the story...i can imagine being the parents who were the responsible and loving ones, and picked up the pieces every time the deadbead dad made the daughter cry. i also can see how the daughter might want to establish a relationship with her father. however, i think the daughter was wrong to choose the week before the wedding to try to forge something with the dad, to me it would have been disrespectful to the mother and stepdad, those who always were there for her. abby''s response was really harsh, and maybe she has some own daddy issues or something, who really knows. i doubt the mom is taking her advice as it was so black and white. but yeah if i was the mom i''d be so hurt and the stepdad as well. my stepdad has been in my life since i was 8 and he has been the only father i have ever known. my father left when i was a baby and has never returned. if he did, i would tell him to get lost. i could only imagine how hurt my stepdad would be if i was the daughter in this situation and decided to ''choose'' my dad over him (which is how they probably see it, even if it''s not totally correct). when it comes to family and things like this, emotions can get really high. the daughter did the wrong thing in my opinion, but i don''t think the mom should write her off. though quite honestly, if the real dad continues to screw with the daughter and hasn''t really changed, and the daughter keeps giving him the benefit of the doubt over the objections or wishes of the mom, i could see how that would be a real long term problem.