dealing with mixed emotions about my engagement ring,...

[cutechick0021]

Hi
I am new to this board and figured this would be a good place to seek some support (esp since it involves my diamond!) I have been married for two years now and I never really liked my engagement ring. It''s a total weight of .58, but the center stone is .33 (According to my husband he downgraded to save $500), anywho, I would have just preferred one stone of .58, but ended up with the .33 center and the side trillions being .25 in size. He added on trillion side stones which he wanted and it looks like one big clump of diamonds almost like an anniversay band.....Anyway i''m offtopic

I''ve altered the setting of both the engagement ring and the wedding band 3 times since i''ve had it to make it more to my liking and am slowly learning to find out he''s telling other people about what I have done and have heard comments like "that''s appauling she did that" "How selfish", etc. I''m really torn because I know he did the best that he could but he didn''t listen at all to my wishes. I guess I figured I deserved a little more. My dream ring was a .70 princess cut stone. How would you deal with these unresolved issues? I need to just learn to accept what I have been given, but i''m seemingly harming him and my reputation in the process. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks
Alecia

 

[Haven]

It sounds like you''re dealing with issues that extend beyond being unsatisfied with your engagement ring. Perhaps you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about your feelings about your ring, and more importantly about the conversations he''s having with other people about your upgrades and the way he''s making you out in these conversations.

As far as feeling like you deserve more than the ring you were given, I''m not really sure what to make of that comment.

 

[cutechick0021]

I never thought it may be deeper issues, but that does make sense.

Yeah, that deserving thing did come across as selfish lol. I guess I figured I didn''t ask for much in comparison to what I see others around me receiving. My sister even got a 1.5 carat ring from tiffany''s and my husband made double what her fiance is making. I just wanted a .50 carat stone....oh well.

Thank you for writing back to me

 

[Haven]

When I said it sounds like you''re dealing with deeper issues, I was alluding to the fact that your hubby is talking to other people about your upgrades, and for whatever reason they feel as if it''s okay to say negative things about you in response to what he''s saying. I just hope that your hubby is defending you, and I certainly hope that he''s not talking about your upgrades in a negative way to people outside your marriage. This kind of thing seems like it can be very damaging to your relationship; I would never talk about my FI in a negative way to ANYONE, about anything, and I know he feels the same way.

Now I understand what you meant by deserving more, it sounds like you just meant that you didn''t think you were asking for much relative to what others in your social circle have. Perhaps your husband simply doesn''t realize how much you wanted a .50 carat diamond, believe it or not--some guys just don''t "get" diamonds. Maybe if you had a frank discussion about it you''d be able to get some insight as to why he didn''t purchase your dream diamond.

Good luck!

(And, even though you''re not feeling super excited about your engagement ring, I''m sure we''d all love to admire it if you posted pictures!)

 

[bem3231]

Hi Alecia -

It sounds to me like maybe you and your hubby need to have a frank conversation about all of this - not frank in a confrontational way, but frank in terms of dealing once and for all with the issues that each of you are dealing with in relation to your ring. It sounds like you are both harboring some resentments around how the whole issue has played out, and this is beginning to get out of hand and take a toll on other aspects of your relationship.

My first impression is that if you have changed the setting three times in two years for both your ring and band, then you are *seriously* just not happy with them. I can see how others might interpret 3 setting changes in two years as somewhat flippant. I don''t think that it''s selfish or horrible or anything - I think that the bigger issue is that you just truly aren''t loving your ring(s) and no amount of setting changes seem to be appeasing you.

I can also see how your hubby might be taking all of these changes somewhat personally - as Haven mentioned some guys just don''t ''get'' diamonds, and he is possibly completely unaware of what importance and significance you put on not only the diamond that you wanted, but more importantly what importance and significance you place on his desire and ability to listen to you and show that he was taking your wishes into account in choosing a ring to symbolize your union.

It doesn''t sound like the ring that he chose for you was based on not being able to afford something closer to your ideal. I think that maybe each of you is interpreting this issue in different ways and you need to have a conversation about everything that''s going on. It isn''t really anyone''s business what you do or don''t do to your rings, and their comments are understandably hurtful.

If you guys had an open conversation about the *whole* issue perhaps your hubby will see where you are coming from, and you might learn more about where he''s coming from. I would suggest that rather than endlessly trying to reset rings that you don''t love, you discuss the possibility of making the current ring an anniversary band (as you say that it is already close), and look at a *real* upgrade to a stone and ring that you search for together.

That''s just my two cents. Good luck to you - I hope that one way or another you end up with rings that you love!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I, too, hope you can end up with rings you love! I agree with the others that you two need to have a little talk with him. Perhaps a new set of rings for your anniversary could be possible.

 

[firebirdgold]

If my husband had told me he had ''downgraded'' to save $500 and I ended up with a diamond under a half carat when I knew he could afford a lot more, I would have been very upset. It would have made me feel like I wasn''t very important to him.

Perhaps that''s how you felt?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:14:24 AM
Author: IndieJones
If my husband had told me he had 'downgraded' to save $500 and I ended up with a diamond under a half carat when I knew he could afford a lot more, I would have been very upset. It would have made me feel like I wasn't very important to him.

Perhaps that's how you felt?

Ditto...I think you need to sit your husband down for a chat and let him know how the fact that he didn't get you the engagement ring of your dreams when it seems like he really could have makes you feel. I also think it's very inappropriate for him to be speaking poorly of you to others. That's really just terrible. In my opinion, wanting a .7 carat princess cut diamond engagement is not unreasonable or extravagant, assuming you have your bills paid and can afford it.

I'm sorry you're not happy with your ring, and I hope that you will end up with your dream ring after all!

 

[Gemma12]

Date: 1/27/2008 8:12:55 PM
Author: bem3231
Hi Alecia -

It sounds to me like maybe you and your hubby need to have a frank conversation about all of this - not frank in a confrontational way, but frank in terms of dealing once and for all with the issues that each of you are dealing with in relation to your ring. It sounds like you are both harboring some resentments around how the whole issue has played out, and this is beginning to get out of hand and take a toll on other aspects of your relationship.

My first impression is that if you have changed the setting three times in two years for both your ring and band, then you are *seriously* just not happy with them. I can see how others might interpret 3 setting changes in two years as somewhat flippant. I don''t think that it''s selfish or horrible or anything - I think that the bigger issue is that you just truly aren''t loving your ring(s) and no amount of setting changes seem to be appeasing you.

I can also see how your hubby might be taking all of these changes somewhat personally - as Haven mentioned some guys just don''t ''get'' diamonds, and he is possibly completely unaware of what importance and significance you put on not only the diamond that you wanted, but more importantly what importance and significance you place on his desire and ability to listen to you and show that he was taking your wishes into account in choosing a ring to symbolize your union.

It doesn''t sound like the ring that he chose for you was based on not being able to afford something closer to your ideal. I think that maybe each of you is interpreting this issue in different ways and you need to have a conversation about everything that''s going on. It isn''t really anyone''s business what you do or don''t do to your rings, and their comments are understandably hurtful.

If you guys had an open conversation about the *whole* issue perhaps your hubby will see where you are coming from, and you might learn more about where he''s coming from. I would suggest that rather than endlessly trying to reset rings that you don''t love, you discuss the possibility of making the current ring an anniversary band (as you say that it is already close), and look at a *real* upgrade to a stone and ring that you search for together.

^
||
What she said!

Alecia, I''m so sorry that looking at your ring doesn''t make you happy. The engagement ring is meant to represent joy and it sounds like yours is connected with a bit of heart ache (wanting to change it but feeling like others criticise when you do)!.

No one here would judge you for wanting a 0.7 ct ring (or larger! LOL) and you def don''t deserve to have people talking behind your back about wanting a ring that you love.

In your frank discussion with your hubby, try to find out why he ''down graded'' and what his feelings are about changing the ring. He may feel that the ring is a representation of his love for you and changes made to it reflect how you feel about him. If he is dead set on keeping the set the way it is, you may have to focus your energy on getting an anniversary RHR or knock out studs

.

I think bem is spot on with a ''whole new ring'' concept-and this time you pick it out together! If you were able to share your budget here, we would be more than happy to help

Let us know how you go!

 

[firebirdgold]

Of course you also have to look at it from his point of view. A lot of guys just don''t understand why we want a diamond. (mine mentioned something about a lump of carbon

)
There have been previous occasions where men have been proud of saving money. And they expect their fiances to be proud too.

But Men do put a lot of emphasis on the emotion behind the rock. By doing multi re-sets rather than talking to him honestly, you''ve probably made him feel like the diamond is more important to you than marrying him. So when you do talk to him, don''t forget that his feelings have probably been hurt by all this as well, and those feelings are just as valid as your feelings of disappointment.

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:14:24 AM
Author: IndieJones
If my husband had told me he had ''downgraded'' to save $500 and I ended up with a diamond under a half carat when I knew he could afford a lot more, I would have been very upset. It would have made me feel like I wasn''t very important to him.


Perhaps that''s how you felt?

Yeah I was thinking the same. Also, if my hubbie was telling everyone about me changing my e-ring I would be pissed off. Especially if they were saying negative things and he wasn''t standing up for me.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Sorry you feel bad and I totally understand why you might! I don''t have any extra/ different advice, just wanted to say that I feel for you! Once you''ve sorted out the issues, you might feel differently about the actual ring (he might even have a strong explanation that makes you see it in a different light? You never know). Anyway, that might be the time to pick out a killer right hand ring or anniversary gift, with the stone you really want.

Good luck.

Jen

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi Alecia,

Just to give a bit more perspective, my husband would be MORTIFIED if I altered my ring three times since getting it. He's one of those guys who doesn't understand the passion of diamonds and probably would have gone with the ring that was $500 cheaper even though funds wouldn't be an issue! The deal is, though, I love my ring and wouldn't want to part with it and see it as a symbol of love between my husband and myself. . .possibly your DH feels the same way. He may be hurt by your attempts to change the ring and is getting "back" at you by talking negative to others. This is just a guess. Either way, your husband's negative talking is completely uncalled for and inappropriate and appears, to me, as a way for him to voice his opinion without confronting you. He doesn't approve and possibly it's time to consider other options. . . like for example, getting a right hand ring for yourself, or a pendant. Another diamond purchase that YOU make so you can pick out exactly what you want w/out offending your husband.

The two of you probably would benefit from sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk about the entire ring issue. Remember, rings aren't everything. Having a great relationship IS!

 

[Allisonfaye]

I think everyone here has pretty much said it all. It bothers me that your FI totally disregarded what your dream ring was. I would be interested in hearing the context of him saying he downgraded to save $500. I wonder if he is telling people about that. I agree. A heart to heart is in order. It is a touchy subject. Good luck.

 

[Circe]

It seems like there are two issues here: the ring, and the relationship. On the ring ... if you''ve redesigned the style three times in two years, I''m imagining that you''ve probably talked about it to some extent: if not outright telling him that his misapplied thriftiness hurt you, then at least subtly politely implying that the end result was a little "off" (I''m imagining something along the lines of what other women here have done, a la, "The symbolism of the gift you gave me is so significant, but I think it would suit me more/be more wearable if only ..."). I think maybe a slightly more direct approach might be in order, just to clear the air. I''m not saying that you should explode at him out of the blue, but maybe ask him why he thought it would be a good idea to, a) economize on a fairly emotional purchase, and b) tell you about it.

Part the second of that question seems to extend outwards a little bit towards the larger relationship issues: it''s kind of what I think of as the "Inside Voice" in relationships. For the sake of tact, diplomacy, what have you, it''s really not necessary to say every last thing that pops into one''s head! I think people get so caught up in the "we are now one" aspect of marriage that they can forget this ... though my completely hearsay-based opinion on this is that men tend to do it a little bit more than women, maybe because women have been trained since day one to avoid hurting people''s feelings.

Relationship-wise, it sounds somewhat disrespectful to me that he''s complaining about your relationship to other people ... except I think that everyone does it a little bit, to their closest friends or family members, just because it''s sometimes easier to talk things through with an objective bystander than it is with the person who''s hurt your feelings. (I''m assuming, here, that he''s talking about this with his best friend, and not with every T,D&H who wanders by.) My problem is that he''s carrying the info. back to you and using it to kind of ... gain popular support for his views, or something: it''s no longer an issue between the two of you, it''s suddenly up for debate, and because he''s self-selecting his audience, the debate is becoming a little one-sided. If it were me, I''d be feeling a little ganged-up upon ....

I think it''s definitely worth talking through these issues with him. As I see it, there are three "talking points":
1) The ring itself, why he opted to get you something than what you wanted, what the two of you can do to fix it now,
2) The issue of keeping your relationship between just the two of you,within sensible limits,
and 2A) Ways in which to address things between yourselves without hurting one another''s feelings.

Good luck, and hope it all goes well ....

 

[Rhea]

I''ve never been truly happy with my engagement ring either and am approaching my 2nd wedding anniversary (I''ve had the ring for about 3 and a half years). Since I can''t really change or remake the ring without hurt or guilty feelings I''ve more than made up for it by collecting wedding bands. I have more wedding bands than you can shake a stick out (and you can shake a stick at A LOT of bands!). I''ve easily spent way more money collecting bands than he did on the original ring - which isn''t that hard to do, the e-ring cost less than $1,500.

For me, there are definitely deeper issues. I wish that he had a better paying job (a running theme in our relationship - mostly due to the fact that the cost of living is so high here and both of us make pennies) and I have issues with I perceive to be the average size e-ring where I live vs what size ring I was given.

No advice here (except maybe buy more wedding bands and stack them on days you really dislike your e-ring in order to avoid bring it up to your husband yet again, not that this happens to me

) but I really do hope that you end up happy with your ring.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn''t read all the replies so I am sorry if I am repeating things but I think you really need to be honest with your husband. Let me him know you are disappointed. Maybe you can get an upgrade for a birthday/holiday/anniversary...Hopefully he will be open to that idea. Ignore other people''s comments. It only matters what you and your husband feel about this. Good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

I do not like to spend others money and I have been known to be a bit extravagant myself, but it does not sound like you are being unreasonable. Your hubby could afford more, and I think his comment about saving 500.00 dollars when that not huge amount would have gotten you a ring you would have liked, is hurtful. Especially when your sister has one that is sizable and from a branded store. I totally get where you are coming from, but men are different animals all together. I would NOT like being painted in a poor light. Honestly you are not asking for a lot, it is not like he spend tens of thousands and you are sulking.

I might sit down, calmly, and explain yourself. Just try to let him know you are not trying to be ungrateful, and that you are not trying to be spoiled, but that he really dimished you and your feelings by trying to save 500.00 that he really did not need to save when buying your ring. Also, at this point, yes, three times maybe a bit much, but that is between the two of you. If anyone notices it on you you can sort of downplay it. I am not saying he cannot feel a bit hurt, as do you about the ring, but he should never allow anyone to denigrate it to him. Even if you made light of it to friends, and laughed it off, you two could still deal with the feelings you have when you are alone.

I am in no way condemning you for your feelings. If he truly could only afford what he got you at the time, I would get it but he chose not to for whatever reason. You are not trying to walk in with a huge stone, one he cannot afford, so I think if you approach it well it can be remedied. Just know men are weird about certain things. but it does not mean either of you are totally right or wrong.

 

[vslover]

Honestly, I think I''d just tell him I want a new ring. Or go and get it yourself. A .70 princess ring shouldn''t be exorbitant. I don''t see why you can''t have what you want..even if you have to buy it yourself.

 

[lumpkin]

Without knowing your financial situation (which is none of my business) it''s hard for me to really comment on whether you are being unreasonable or not, but it sounds like you are going to spend more money trying to make this ring what you want than if you start over. If you can afford it maybe it''s time for a significant upgrade.

I find it really disturbing when a man tries to chintz out on something like the engagement ring. It''s one thing if the money isn''t there and/or the bride isn''t that into e-rings, but if the money is there and she does want something special and will enjoy it but he wants to be overly frugal about it, it sends up a red flag to me. It''s a symbol of his commitment, and if he''s truly and honestly being cheap, it doesn''t say much for his committment, nor about his respect for his (future) wife.

On the other hand, maybe he has bigger plans for the money that will benefit you both. Is it a cultural thing or the way he looks at spending money on luxury items (which an engagment ring is, to some degree)? Or maybe he wants to save for a really nice home?

I agree with everyone else that you need to sit down and discuss this because it goes beyond just a few pieces of carbon set into metal. It has to do with mutual respect, communication, committment, values and priorities, not to mention loyalties (the part about his talking badly about your wishes and actions to others).

 

[lisa1.01fvs1]

I know this sounds really bad but I went and picked the damn thing out myself w/ husband in tow (practically dragging him in the store). I also partially paid for the ering as well since he had no idea about diamonds nor any interest in the matter and my ring was over budget

. Anyway, I got exactly what I wanted and it didn''t bother me that I was so bossy because I love it and he''s happy that I''m happy. Guess it wasn''t as romantic or symbolic for us

I know I would always be bothered by a ring I didn''t like (did you guys ever watch the "sex in the City" episode where Carrie gets the ugly ring and eventually gets her dream ring w/ a little help from her friend?). I think you feel as though he wasn''t listening to you nor did he appreciate what the ring means to you as you wear it every single day.

Hang in there and definitely tell him how you feel!

Lisa

 

[gwendolyn]

I can imagine to some degree how you're feeling, I think--you just feel wrong for wanting something that you don't consider to be unrealistic, maybe? Something that for you is sentimental, therefore important?

I'm not engaged, but my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged for a couple of years now. He is from England, and I'm from the US. Diamonds (particularly engagement rings) have been my hobby since I was about 16--mostly just window-shopping, but doing the occasional research too. J never thought about diamonds because he's a dude.

Here are a few differences we found:

--He assumed we could just go out one afternoon and buy an engagement ring with what would essentially amount to pocket change. I had assumed we'd spend at least a few thousand, if we could save that much.

--When he found out I wanted to spend more, he was confused and taken aback. Why? Why would I want a ring that was so expensive? At first he said his sisters didn't even have engagement rings, but then later asked them and they did, they just didn't wear them most of the time.

--This was when we learned that the 'average' size for engagement ring sizes varied considerably between the US and the UK. One carat is seen as average-but-on-the-smallish-side amongst my friends on the East Coast, whereas one carat in the UK is seen as really big.

--J did some investigating and asked his sisters about their engagement rings, and found out theirs were about £500 each, so he came back to me saying that he still didn't understand why I wanted (if there was money) to spend so much on 'just a ring.' I felt a bit like he was gathering proof to show me I was wrong, and I started to have doubts, but he was still asking why. He didn't get it, but he *wanted* to.

So then we had a long talk, and I explained how long I've been in love with diamonds (14 years, 'bout half my life!) and what an engagement ring means to me, and how, because I love diamonds so much, and this one will be the most important one in my life because it will forever be tied to the memory of him asking me to marry him (I'm a super-mushy sentimental type so I won't ever upgrade; it will always be that ring), I wanted it to be as nice as we can afford it to be, not just pick up anything we happen to stumble across. I told him that's why I've been researching for so long, to make sure our money will go as far as it can.

Now he tells me that he is looking forward to when we can pick out 'our ring.' He understands why it is so important to me, even though it isn't his experience of how it's 'done.' And he's even gone so far as to say he understands why I love diamonds so much because they are really sparkly and pretty (that was thanks to your fire thread, Ellen, so muchas gracias for that!!!

)

...

I guess what that REALLY long-winded post (I do that all the time, guys, sorry!) was trying to say is that maybe if you sit down to explain what the ring means to YOU, he might come around. Y'never know until you try. Best of luck with the situation, hon.

 

[bem3231]

Hi again Alecia -

I''ve been thinking about your post and your situation over the last couple of days, and have been following other members comments. You''ve gotten a really good range of responses and suggestions here. If you feel comfortable letting us all know how this turns out I, for one, would be interested in hearing about it. I really, really hope that this can be turned into a positive experience for both you and your hubby!

 

[cutechick0021]

Hello!
Yes, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to write back to me. The responses were wonderful and I enjoyed reading each and everyone one of them. The new insight everyone provided allowed me to reflect on a few things:

1. Deserving,....that''s such a strong word. Sometimes I get into these moods where I just wished he would have listened to me and my wishes, but he didn''t and I have to accept that. Looking at my ring I guess I should be thankful that I even received a diamond at all.

2. Many people pegged it I think there are much deeper issues also. I have come to the conclusion that I feel a big part of the reason why I have been altering the ring so much goes beyond my desires not being fulfilled. We had a falling out about 6 months ago where he betrayed me to the point where he felt I should have divorced him. When I looked at the ring after the situation I really felt sick and associated it with that he''s not the same man that gave me that ring,....he''s different, it''s different. To a certain degree I believe I was altering it because he''s different and it was a bad reminder to look at the ring every day and see this commitment which he tore from me, the meaning behind what he got me in it was gone.

2(a).lol....We are going to a marriage seminar valentine''s day weekend and I feel if it is time, this would be for it to be brought up......

Thank you again to everyone, you are all awesome.......

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m sorry to hear about his betrayal. No wonder you wanted to change your ring.

I hope the marriage counseling works. Best of luck, m''dear! And please let us know how it goes, ok?

 

[phoenixgirl]

Good luck at the seminar.

I had a similar issue with my husband when I wanted to replace my plain wedding band with a diamond band. At the time of the wedding, I didn''t feel like I should ask for a $700 ring versus a $100 ring, but a year later I realized I should have gotten what I wanted. My husband, though, just felt lilke I was rejecting what he had given me and that replacing the wedding band should only happen at a big anniversary. It also didn''t help that he is the worst at picking up on hints.

But it was a disagreement we had to go through to get to a better place in our marriage. One lightbulb moment for him was when I compared my interest in diamonds with his love of cycling or playing guitar. I also realized that I have to incredibly clear and repeat myself and ask, "OK, so did you get what I was saying?" if I want him to do something for me. We''ve both adopted a policy of not commenting on what the other person wants to buy or do as long as time or money isn''t an object.

At the time I came on here all distraught, and people commented that my husband was obviously trying to control me or upset me, and I was like, great, my marriage is doomed! But it was just part of learning to be an "us." We weren''t seeing each other''s points of view, and I guess that is the most important thing.