alli_esq
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2008
- Messages
- 909
Hello there...I apologize in advance for the length of this post.
I''m here to write for some advice. I need some perspective, and although I can''t go through EVERY detail on here, I am curious what you all have to say. This site has so many interesting people with different backgrounds and beliefs--and I have found that whenever I''ve posted anything, I have gotten truly insightful responses, so I am going to try it again here.
I''m having a serious problem with my cousin, C. C is my mother''s brother''s daughter. She had an incredibly difficult childhood--her father (my uncle) left her and her brother with her mother when they were young, when he came out of the closet. He later died from AIDS. C''s mother was a drug addict and, from what I understand, a prostitute. C had to grow up very early, took care of her younger brother, and has had plenty of reasons (in her mind) to be bitter and angry about life.
C is now about 45 years-old. She lives alone (well, with her dog), and works very hard and makes very good money. However, she also has made a lot of decisions about her life that either intentionally or subconsciously have forced her to be miserable--she works 14-hour days almost every day, she has been dating a married man for about 5 years (he is now divorced, but only recently, and now they hardly see each other)...things like that.
When I graduated from college in 2003, and was looking for jobs in the city, she insisted that I stay at her apartment. We spent a lot of time together back then--she paid for dinners, and all sorts of things, which I always argued. C and her brother brought me to Vegas for my college graduation present, she has paid for countless plays that she and my mother and I have seen together--all of which I tried to pay her back for, but she would never accept. She always said that she had the money and I didn''t, so she wanted to do it for me. I always appreciated what she did for me, but I always tried to pay her back.
Anyway, over the course of the last 3-4 years, C has become unbearably negative about my life. While I was in law school, she would repeatedly tell me that I was "floundering," that because my grades were not top notch, that I wasn''t trying hard enough, or that it was my boyfriend (now FI)''s fault that my grades were sub-par. She has never given FI a chance--she doesn''t know him at all (they''ve met maybe 3 times for a few hours), but has told me over and over that she doesn''t like me with him (and that she thinks he''s physically unattractive! what?). When I graduated from law school, she told me she was shocked that I made it through. She didn''t congratulate us when we got engaged.
C has always been negative about her own life--she has sort of a martyr attitude...nothing satisfies her more than to be able to proclaim that she works harder than anyone else, that she has it worse than anyone else, etc. And listen, I admit that she has had it rough, and I have had it easy in comparison--I have great parents who have always supported me, both emotionally and financially. But then again, my parents have ALWAYS been there for her too--for example, when she got kicked out of her last apartment and had to make a decision whether or not to buy the place where she now lives, my parents offered to pay for her down payment (they have ALWAYS, throughout her life, done things like that for her, and have always invited her to stay with them or to include her in any family activity--and my parents have always treated her and her brother like their own children, especially since my parents were married for many years before they did actually have children).
Anyway, there has been growing resentment between C and me for years. I don''t think I have had one single conversation with her over the course of the last 3 years when she hasn''t said or done something nasty about me or to me (or FI). She has hurt my mom''s feelings over and over again by refusing to call her back (my mom doesn''t ask much of her, but she is C''s only family besides C''s brother, and my mom has always wanted to make her feel loved)...it''s just a lot.
So here''s the issue at the moment: when I moved into my last apartment (before I moved in with FI), I had nothing. She has an apartment full of random things that don''t fit in her one-bedroom Manhattan apartment, so she gave me some stuff to alleviate the space problem at her place, and to fill up mine so it wasn''t empty. Among these items was an antique rocking chair that she purchased at some random sale some years ago--it was wicker and I noticed when I borrowed it that it was sagging in the middle.
now, my younger brother is ginormous, and I told him one time when he was at my apartment not to sit in the chair because it looked like it couldn''t take his weight. He, of course, ignored me, and basically sat right through the chair. I knew it would be expensive to re-cane it, but I figured--hey, it was in my possession when it was damaged, so I had to fix it (even though I was a student and totally broke). So, about a year and a half ago, I got an estimate for the repair--it was $650! I was told that the reason it was so expensive was because the chair had been repaired before, and that it was done improperly (glued instead of rebuilt, essentially), so instead of a couple hundred, the gentleman would have to basically rebuild the seat of the chair. He insisted that it didn''t matter how big the person was who sat in the chair--that because it was damaged before, it was certainly going to break at some point.
I intended just to get the chair fixed before giving it back to C, but my family convinced me to at least ask her if she cared if it was repaired or if the chair didn''t mean much to her. So, I did (this was April of 2007). C was aghast at the price to fix it--she said that it was like 3x what she had paid for the chair, so it wasn''t worth getting it fixed, and that she wouldn''t want anyone to spend that kind of money on a silly chair--so she said she would just put a throw pillow on the chair and not actually use it to sit (she never has guests at her apt anyway, she said). At that time, we left the chair at my parents'' house, and she said she would, at some point, re-arrange her apartment so she could take it back.
That was the last I thought about the situation until my mom mentioned to me, a couple of weeks ago, that she wanted to get rid of the chair--she didn''t have room for it. So, I wrote an email to C, telling her that we needed to figure out how I could bring the chair back to her.
Basically, C wrote me a series of very nasty emails, saying that she didn''t want a broken chair in her apartment--and acted as if we had never had the prior conversation at all. I told her fine, I would get it fixed, (even though I didn''t think it was fair that she was changing her mind after all this time, especially when I have so many more expenses no--I could have been saving for the past year and a half if I had known she DID want me to fix the chair after all)....
After a lot of back and forth, I told her that I was sick of her passive aggressivity, and I just wished that she had been honest with me from the get-go. She then got so furious that she said she didn''t want the chair back at all--she didn''t want me or my family to pay for the chair, and she didn''t want it in her apartment because seeing it there would only remind her of ME and this awful situation. She also informed me that she would not be joining us for Thanksgiving this year (one of the two times a year she agrees to see my family).
Now, my mother feels awful about the whole thing and is insisting that we get the chair fixed. She told me that she will pay for half and that I am responsible for the other half. Meanwhile, I know C will not accept it, and if my mom leaves it at C''s apartment (as is my mother''s plan), C will just throw it out. Now, I am not in a financial position to be paying upwards of $300 on something that is garbage, and I am sick and tired of my cousin''s manipulation and negativity. I would be more than happy to never talk to or see her again, but because my mother has all this guilt associated with C, that''s obviously not an option.
I guess I just don''t know. I am disgusted with my cousin and the way she has treated me for years. I am lucky to have the parents I do, and just because SHE had a terrible childhood doesn''t mean that I should have, or that I should feel guilty for having a good one. She has taken out her resentment in the nastiest of ways, and I''m just done with her.
Any advice? Feel free to tell me I''m being a b*tch too.
I''m here to write for some advice. I need some perspective, and although I can''t go through EVERY detail on here, I am curious what you all have to say. This site has so many interesting people with different backgrounds and beliefs--and I have found that whenever I''ve posted anything, I have gotten truly insightful responses, so I am going to try it again here.
I''m having a serious problem with my cousin, C. C is my mother''s brother''s daughter. She had an incredibly difficult childhood--her father (my uncle) left her and her brother with her mother when they were young, when he came out of the closet. He later died from AIDS. C''s mother was a drug addict and, from what I understand, a prostitute. C had to grow up very early, took care of her younger brother, and has had plenty of reasons (in her mind) to be bitter and angry about life.
C is now about 45 years-old. She lives alone (well, with her dog), and works very hard and makes very good money. However, she also has made a lot of decisions about her life that either intentionally or subconsciously have forced her to be miserable--she works 14-hour days almost every day, she has been dating a married man for about 5 years (he is now divorced, but only recently, and now they hardly see each other)...things like that.
When I graduated from college in 2003, and was looking for jobs in the city, she insisted that I stay at her apartment. We spent a lot of time together back then--she paid for dinners, and all sorts of things, which I always argued. C and her brother brought me to Vegas for my college graduation present, she has paid for countless plays that she and my mother and I have seen together--all of which I tried to pay her back for, but she would never accept. She always said that she had the money and I didn''t, so she wanted to do it for me. I always appreciated what she did for me, but I always tried to pay her back.
Anyway, over the course of the last 3-4 years, C has become unbearably negative about my life. While I was in law school, she would repeatedly tell me that I was "floundering," that because my grades were not top notch, that I wasn''t trying hard enough, or that it was my boyfriend (now FI)''s fault that my grades were sub-par. She has never given FI a chance--she doesn''t know him at all (they''ve met maybe 3 times for a few hours), but has told me over and over that she doesn''t like me with him (and that she thinks he''s physically unattractive! what?). When I graduated from law school, she told me she was shocked that I made it through. She didn''t congratulate us when we got engaged.
C has always been negative about her own life--she has sort of a martyr attitude...nothing satisfies her more than to be able to proclaim that she works harder than anyone else, that she has it worse than anyone else, etc. And listen, I admit that she has had it rough, and I have had it easy in comparison--I have great parents who have always supported me, both emotionally and financially. But then again, my parents have ALWAYS been there for her too--for example, when she got kicked out of her last apartment and had to make a decision whether or not to buy the place where she now lives, my parents offered to pay for her down payment (they have ALWAYS, throughout her life, done things like that for her, and have always invited her to stay with them or to include her in any family activity--and my parents have always treated her and her brother like their own children, especially since my parents were married for many years before they did actually have children).
Anyway, there has been growing resentment between C and me for years. I don''t think I have had one single conversation with her over the course of the last 3 years when she hasn''t said or done something nasty about me or to me (or FI). She has hurt my mom''s feelings over and over again by refusing to call her back (my mom doesn''t ask much of her, but she is C''s only family besides C''s brother, and my mom has always wanted to make her feel loved)...it''s just a lot.
So here''s the issue at the moment: when I moved into my last apartment (before I moved in with FI), I had nothing. She has an apartment full of random things that don''t fit in her one-bedroom Manhattan apartment, so she gave me some stuff to alleviate the space problem at her place, and to fill up mine so it wasn''t empty. Among these items was an antique rocking chair that she purchased at some random sale some years ago--it was wicker and I noticed when I borrowed it that it was sagging in the middle.
now, my younger brother is ginormous, and I told him one time when he was at my apartment not to sit in the chair because it looked like it couldn''t take his weight. He, of course, ignored me, and basically sat right through the chair. I knew it would be expensive to re-cane it, but I figured--hey, it was in my possession when it was damaged, so I had to fix it (even though I was a student and totally broke). So, about a year and a half ago, I got an estimate for the repair--it was $650! I was told that the reason it was so expensive was because the chair had been repaired before, and that it was done improperly (glued instead of rebuilt, essentially), so instead of a couple hundred, the gentleman would have to basically rebuild the seat of the chair. He insisted that it didn''t matter how big the person was who sat in the chair--that because it was damaged before, it was certainly going to break at some point.
I intended just to get the chair fixed before giving it back to C, but my family convinced me to at least ask her if she cared if it was repaired or if the chair didn''t mean much to her. So, I did (this was April of 2007). C was aghast at the price to fix it--she said that it was like 3x what she had paid for the chair, so it wasn''t worth getting it fixed, and that she wouldn''t want anyone to spend that kind of money on a silly chair--so she said she would just put a throw pillow on the chair and not actually use it to sit (she never has guests at her apt anyway, she said). At that time, we left the chair at my parents'' house, and she said she would, at some point, re-arrange her apartment so she could take it back.
That was the last I thought about the situation until my mom mentioned to me, a couple of weeks ago, that she wanted to get rid of the chair--she didn''t have room for it. So, I wrote an email to C, telling her that we needed to figure out how I could bring the chair back to her.
Basically, C wrote me a series of very nasty emails, saying that she didn''t want a broken chair in her apartment--and acted as if we had never had the prior conversation at all. I told her fine, I would get it fixed, (even though I didn''t think it was fair that she was changing her mind after all this time, especially when I have so many more expenses no--I could have been saving for the past year and a half if I had known she DID want me to fix the chair after all)....
After a lot of back and forth, I told her that I was sick of her passive aggressivity, and I just wished that she had been honest with me from the get-go. She then got so furious that she said she didn''t want the chair back at all--she didn''t want me or my family to pay for the chair, and she didn''t want it in her apartment because seeing it there would only remind her of ME and this awful situation. She also informed me that she would not be joining us for Thanksgiving this year (one of the two times a year she agrees to see my family).
Now, my mother feels awful about the whole thing and is insisting that we get the chair fixed. She told me that she will pay for half and that I am responsible for the other half. Meanwhile, I know C will not accept it, and if my mom leaves it at C''s apartment (as is my mother''s plan), C will just throw it out. Now, I am not in a financial position to be paying upwards of $300 on something that is garbage, and I am sick and tired of my cousin''s manipulation and negativity. I would be more than happy to never talk to or see her again, but because my mother has all this guilt associated with C, that''s obviously not an option.
I guess I just don''t know. I am disgusted with my cousin and the way she has treated me for years. I am lucky to have the parents I do, and just because SHE had a terrible childhood doesn''t mean that I should have, or that I should feel guilty for having a good one. She has taken out her resentment in the nastiest of ways, and I''m just done with her.
Any advice? Feel free to tell me I''m being a b*tch too.
300x240.png)