Compromising with spouse on E-ring

[molecule]

Hey Pricescopers,
As my spouse and I are starting to look at another engagement ring to replace the one that was stolen, I'm curious as to how much compromising the wearer did with their spouse/spouse-to-be when picking out the ring. How much say did you both get in each other's wedding bands?

 

[rainydaze]

No compromising, for either of us (except for cost, there is a limit to that aspect).

He should wear something he likes and enjoys wearing. I should wear something I like and enjoy wearing. He wants me to be happy and got me what I said I like; I want him to be happy and I got him what he said he likes.

 

[chrono]

He picked his and I picked mine. We were both open to suggestions from the other but final choice is 100% the wearer.

 

[Kh0117]

We picked my engagement ring together but picked our own wedding bands. I’m working on an upgrade now for my engagement ring and I didn’t compromise - I picked what I want although it’s pretty much the same style but changed some design aspect a tad bit.

 

[seaurchin]

I don't quite understand what you mean by "having a say in each other's rings." We both got what we wanted but there wasn't really anything to argue over because we both got modest, regular looking rings. Much later, when we had more money, I got an upgrade.

Is the problem the look of one of the rings in some way or the price or does one want matching rings and the other doesn't or...?

 

[foxinsox]

The wearer should have the most input imo. You have to love what you wear. I chose my ering because I had no idea what I wanted prior to starting to look at rings. Then once I had an old cut, finding a band that looked right with it was a challenge since I didn’t want a plain band. As the person who was most invested in the outcome, I did the work to find the one that made me happy. DH, being a sensible man, and also one who’s not interested in jewellery, supported that. He chose his wedding ring. Our rings don’t match but they look good together - I have platinum and vintage YG/WG, he has 18k RG.

 

[missy]

No compromising on either of our parts. I picked mine (after his surprise proposal and first ER that he chose himself) and he picked his. I sort of had a budget but went above that budget. That would have been the only compromise per se. But I chose the ring. He likes a number of wedding bands so we chose his first one together but he has lots of other WBs now and he likes wearing different bands.

 

[molecule]

I don't quite understand what you mean by "having a say in each other's rings." We both got what we wanted but there wasn't really anything to argue over because we both got modest, regular looking rings. Much later, when we had more money, I got an upgrade.

Is the problem the look of one of the rings in some way or the price or does one want matching rings and the other doesn't or...?

Both of us picked out our own wedding rings but we both wanted the other to have a say. I narrowed down my choices to a couple and he picked one of those and the reverse was true with him. If either of us didn't love one of those narrowed down choices, we would have restarted.

I've never quite understood The Bachelor idea where the ring is designed for any one of these lucky 12 ladies and can be recycled for the next marriage. I do want the ring to represent both of us and not have any metal/stone/style picks that either of us hate and for both of us to have preferences in it.

I think I'm just looking for an idea of how to set up the process of both of us getting input.

 

[missy]

I think I'm just looking for an idea of how to set up the process of both of us getting input.

Maybe go shopping online together looking at diamonds/settings etc you are interested in and get his input. And take it from there.

 

[Bron357]

There is no right and wrong if both parties are happy with the process.
My DH had zero interest in choosing a wedding band, all he said was I like white metal. My Father, Brother and Brother in Law do not and never have worn wedding rings.
when it came to engagement rings, I chose the diamonds for both my sister and sister in law because they had no idea and needed help. My sister chose a bezel setting in two tone gold, my sister in law ”just wanted prongs on a yellow gold hand”.
Me, I fell in love with an Art Deco diamond ring sitting alone in a display window with no price tag. I didn’t think it would be mine due to the price, more than twice the discussed budget. However it was and still is mine. DH said he knew by the way I looked at it, and didn’t say anything, that he should buy it.
excellent DH.

 

[AprilBaby]

We both have similar taste but I choose whatever I want and so does he. We choose my first ring together. After that I choose and he paid the bill.

 

[Dandi]

I chose my engagement ring and upgrade, all of my wedding bands, and my DH's wedding ring also. He can't wear rings so was always planning to wear it on a chain around his neck. He was more concerned about me liking it, than himself liking it!

 

[MeowMeow]

I compromised on my engagement ring a lot. We used a small heirloom stone due to him being a lower enlisted at the time of our engagement and he set it. I sent the setting i wanted and he said no. It wasn't fancy enough for me. He showed me what he wanted to give me and I said ah ah no because to me it was not attractive to me at all. He ended up giving me a halo which was tolerable for both of us. It just wasn't what i wanted so he promised to give me what I wanted at a later date when he could afford it for an anniversary.

We couldn't afford specific wedding rings either so no real compromises to be made since there wasn't really a choice. I actually wore a diamond band my dad had given me for getting my bachelors as my wedding ring until my husband bought me the black diamond band I had loved the whole time about halfway through my pregnancy I was actually happy with that ring I still love it to this day.

His ring ended up being a too large sale tantalum ring he found on Amazon for cheap because he bought a size that wasn't his own. So we were all sorts of janky with our wedding jewellery for awhile.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I never compromised on original e-ring or subsequent upgrades. We
came up with a budget together and shopped within my budget. I guess my original wedding band was a bit of a compromise because we were poor and so I had limited budget. I got a plain 2mm platinum band that I wear mostly as a spacer now. My husband had 2 wedding bands, first a platinum band, then a palladium band, but he lost both because he takes it on and off for his Job and gym. He has not worn a wedding band now for about 5 years, and I’m fine with that. That is our compromise.

 

[whitewave]

I buy what I want. Within budget, of course, which is what I set.

Luckily, DH leaves me alone in this area— he doesn’t mind. He buys things he likes and I buy things I like.

 

[LLJsmom]

None. We choose our own. He asked for my opinion but that’s about it. For the record we do not have matching bands. I had a plain domed platinum band and his had a pattern. He loves his ring and would not let me change it up for the 20th. Meh. Whatever he wants...

 

[inne]

There was no compromise. Why would either of us want the other to wear something that wasn't what they really wanted?

If my husband had extraordinarily awful taste, maybe I would try to sway him. But if I was ready to marry him, I would probably already have come to terms with his awful taste and committed to overlooking it for the rest of my life.

I think the only disagreement we had was that he wanted to buy me something that was expensive enough to make me very anxious so I said 'no it is too much!' but of course that was an anxiety lie, not my true feelings, and I secretly wanted him to just get it anyway. And he did.

 

[Polabowla]

I had no say in my original e-ring. Then i chose a plain wg comfort band. Sadly it doesn't fit any longer & is quite yellowed.

Dh never has worn a wedding band, he finds rings uncomfortable.
For my upgrade, I chose what I wanted & luckily dh loved both choices.
Now I have my dream set- heart with tapered baguettes & channel set princess band.

 

[dk168]

Being on my own with no OH to speak of since 2008, I don't answer to or need to consult or negotiate with anyone about how I spend my hard earned money.

That is one of the joys of being a singleton.

With my original ER, I was given a budget by my then OH and went out to look for something that I liked, and was able to stick to that budget.

With my late partner, when he decided to get me a piece of jewellery, again, I was given a budget, and was free to find something I liked.

Both of them knew I have very strong personal tastes, and it would be wise to let me choose for myself, bless them both!

DK

 

[Tekate]

I picked out both with him with me.

 

[tyty333]

I picked mine, he picked his. I'm sure if the other person picked out something that we thought was ugly, we probably would have said so. That
didnt happen though.

 

[missy]

Remembering more details. My DH wanted yellow gold so we chose an 18k yellow gold WB for him. If I was choosing I would have preferred platinum but since he’s the one wearing it I wanted him to get exactly what he wanted.

 

[bling_dream19]

I found my hubby's wedding band and he loved it so we got it! He has 2 wedding bands currently. I paid for his and he paid for my wedding set. He got my wedding band to match my ering when he ordered both. Side note, he proposed with a beautiful diamond ring but it didn't suit me so the wedding set I have currently, we picked out together. We also have matching platinum bands! Mine is 3 mm and his is 4mm.

 

[doberman]

I never compromised on original e-ring or subsequent upgrades. We
came up with a budget together and shopped within my budget. I guess my original wedding band was a bit of a compromise because we were poor and so I had limited budget. I got a plain 2mm platinum band that I wear mostly as a spacer now. My husband had 2 wedding bands, first a platinum band, then a palladium band, but he lost both because he takes it on and off for his Job and gym. He has not worn a wedding band now for about 5 years, and I’m fine with that. That is our compromise.

I hear you. My husband lost his almost immediately and then lost the replacement. He's just not comfortable wearing jewelry, so he hasn't worn a band in over 30 years.

So far as compromise, we agree on price and that's all that's necessary. So far as style that's up to me, although he has let me know that he liked my halo ring better than the solitaire I have now.

 

[GoldenTouch]

I stupidly compromised on my engagement ring (even though it was lovely). Not the style I wanted & it was more expensive that I thought should of been spent at the time.

I chose my own wedding band after going alone & trying them on. It sat beautifully with my engagement ring. It was marked a ridiculously low price for 18ct gold, I questioned them several times as to why it was so cheap (half price of 9ct of similar weight). The young lady didn’t know.... so I bought it there & then.

My x husband chose his wedding band. It was a very thick wide two tone ring (3 rings riveted together). He never took it off when we were married. I couldn’t care less what ring he wanted. I was actually surprised that he wanted one and wore one. He doesn’t wear any other jewellery. Not even a watch.

Im off the opinion if it is in “the budget” that is agreed to then that is ALL the compromising that needs to be entered into.
They are not the ones wearing it!

 

[qubitasaurus]

At the end of the day if it is both of your money then it is a choice to be made together. If you would really like something and it would mean a lot to you, then I think you should approach it from the angle of I would really love X, it would make me extremely happy and even though there is no firm logical reason it means a lot to me. See what he says about how he feels about the situation. Its natural for him to have an opinion on something that will probably cost a large amount of money and be a symbol of your marriage. But he may not realize how much you care about it, and may be ok with having you make an overarching choice and having him pick some details -- it may just be that he doesnt realize how much it means to you.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

The wearer decides the style of ring- no compromises there. The partnership determines the cost involved and agrees to a budget because of shared goals. With that said, my DH is the worst enabler. "Buy what you want you deserve it" he has said over and over again. When I mused about upgrading to a 3 carat OEC he told me "go for it." When I told him the cost he said "Oh." Lol.

 

[secretagentlaura]

My husband missed the clue that I was smitten with three-stone rings at the time, and surprised me with a simple plain (and unimaginative) solitaire. About twelve years later, I reset the diamond into a cool fluid semi-bezel - I'm still not keen on basic solitaire settings, but my infatuation with three stone settings has passed over time. We both designed wedding bands to our individual style.

 

[monarch64]

Very very personal anecdote and absolutely not meant to persuade/dissuade:

I've been married twice and am twice divorced. Both of my former husbands all but insisted they choose my engagement ring. What I asked for: emerald cut emerald solitaire in platinum. What I got both times: 1.3-1.5 carat diamond solitaire in platinum or white gold. It was what THEY thought would look good on my hand, to others, nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Wonder why those marriages didn't work out? It's fine; I sold the rings to pay for the divorces. Mama always said she raised me to be too independent. Haha, now saving up for that dream ring I'll purchase on my own.

 

[mrs-b]

We were both full time students and got married in the 80's. Which explains everything, as far as I'm concerned. DH also has iffy taste. At best.

When we got engaged we had -zero- budget for a ring. My mother had died a couple of years earlier, so my father gave me her engagement ring diamond - .24ct G VS2, which was very typical of the era in which they'd become engaged. That was our only choice, so no compromise involved on that. We had it set into a tiny, super flimsy, solitaire, which we chose together, was all we could afford and that I loved (DH was 19 at this point in time and did NOT have strong views on engagement ring settings!), and I wore it proudly for many years, ultimately buying 2 x 10 point diamonds and setting them either side in a new, much better quality setting, for my first ever 3 stone. Ah yes, the beginning of an obsession.... That switch-up was an anniversary gift and since we didn't choose my e-ring diamond ourselves, there just wasn't that heavily invested attachment on DH's part. Our new 3 stone was much more 'us' than my first ring, but much more collaborative and indicative of our journey together, and without the 'bought specifically by the giver' culture of an e-ring .

For wedders, DH had the typical 6mm wide flat band with beveled sides so common in the 80's. He chose it and loved it and I paid for it. Done deal. I had a yellow gold band with a white gold inset that held 8 tiny little diamonds - less than 1 pt, I'm sure. It went very well, in fact, with my e-ring and I believe my fingers were a size 5 at that time, so it was all very tiny, but pretty.

About a New York second after we were married, we discovered I was allergic to the nickel in the white gold alloy in my wedder, and for years I compromised between wearing no wedding band and having a rash on my finger. So again, that change up was dictated by circumstance.

Being largely without a functioning wedding ring for some years, we ultimately bought a 12 stone anniversary ring in platinum - roughly 3/4 ctw - that we found one Saturday when we were out and about and wandered randomly into an antique store - no intention of buying anything. We re-set my engagement diamond as a side stone in a platinum cluster. I wore that set for years and still wear my anniversary band regularly.

So our story was more one of evolution and happenstance. But then, of course, about 12 years ago, I found PriceScope and my husband backed off entirely. The man knows when he's beat!