Co-worker not PC... what to do?

[aprilcait]

To give you a bit of a reference, here, the co-worker in question is a fly-off-the-handle, very defensive person who doesn''t really get the whole "professional demeanor" concept. She doesn''t take criticism well (even from her bosses), so people - including me - tend to walk on eggshells around her so as not to stir the pot.

Anyway, this co-worker uses the word "retarded" in a derogatory way on a regular basis. My brother is physically and mentally challenged so I take exception to the word usage. We''re in a cubicle farm, so who knows who else within earshot knows or is related to someone with mental or physical challenges. Either way... I just plain don''t like when she says it.

I realize that my co-worker does not intend to offend me when using the word (just as I realize others who use the word do not seek to offend me or others). Still, I would like to ask her to not say the word in a derogatory context, at least around me, but her defensiveness (i.e.: wrath) frightens me. Yes, I know... I''m a wuss.

I''ve told DH about this and he doesn''t really get why I get upset when people use the word that way. I''ve tried to explain to him that using the word "retarded" in a derogatory way is exactly the same thing as using the word "gay" in a derogatory way (he and I both do not agree with such word usage). He just doesn''t get the parallel though. (NOTE: DH does not use the word "retarded" in a derogatory sense because he knows it offends me and others... he just doesn''t exactly understand why it can upset people as much as it does.) DH is a smart, sensitive, wonderful man but I don''t get where he can''t make the connection. Anyway, DH thinks I''m just being overly sensitive. What do you think? What do you suggest? What would you do?

 

[cbs102]

Maybe you could tell her about your brother... and then possibly maybe mention off hand that you get so upset with the usage of that word.. make it seem like you are talking about others.

truthfully, i would tell her to shut her trap

but since she is a fly off the handle kinda girl... maybe just bring it up randomly in conversation..???

just a thought

 

[Lauren8211]

This is a hard one, for sure!

You''re not overly sensitive at all. I think when the derogatory use of the word doesnt affect you personally, you sometimes forget exactly what you''re saying, and I don''t think it''s unfair of you to ask that it''s not used around you.

For instance, there''s been times that I''ve said "That''s gay" when I clearly don''t dislike gay people in any way, and don''t view being gay as negative, but to me it''s just lost it''s association with gay people, and become a term of it''s own. However, I realize, it has NOT lost association with someone who is gay, and it''s offensive to them for me to use it in a way that insinuates something is "lame". That equates being "lame" with being "gay" and that is not appropriate. I''ve curbed usage of that word.

However, when I hear someone say "I got Jew-ed" (or however you''d spell that??), I get instantly offended, because I''m Jewish. Once I realized that, I saw how using "gay" or "retarded" in an inappropriate way can be offensive.

I find politely asking someone to not use a word that can possibly be considered offensive is completely appropriate. Like you said, you do realize that she''s not offending you on purpose, which is often the case. A polite request should be fine, and accepted by her. If she gives you grief, or doesn''t stop the usage, I would consider involving HR.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think you have a valid reason to not liking the word. I''m guilty of saying that and someone corrected me (in the same situation as you). I felt bad for not realizing it before (it wasn''t intentional) and stopped using the world all together.

I think that you should send her an email. It can be a private convo between you and her. She will take it the wrong way, from what you describe, but at least you threw it out there. She''s making the workplace an uncomfortable enviornment for you and you have a right to correct that.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:55:47 PM
Author: cbs102
Maybe you could tell her about your brother... and then possibly maybe mention off hand that you get so upset with the usage of that word.. make it seem like you are talking about others.

truthfully, i would tell her to shut her trap

but since she is a fly off the handle kinda girl... maybe just bring it up randomly in conversation..???

just a thought

This is what ups my frustration... she knows about my brother. Heck, she''s met him... I have a picture of him in my cube.

Thanks for the advice cbs102, elledizzy, and fieryred! I know, I know... I just need to stop being a gigantic wuss and tell her, then prepare to duck.

 

[cbs102]

well if she tries to hit you than she will get fired and you will never have to hear her rude mouth again

... i am mad for you!!!! i would email her then.... that is so unreal!!!!

 

[Elmorton]

I don't have a whole lot to offer in terms of advice, just wanted to say that I agree with you 100% that I hate hearing people use that term in a derogatory way - my students describe EVERYTHING as "retarded" which means we have to stop class pretty often to discuss language use in relation to the college core values which I take pretty seriously in the classroom.

Does your company have a values statement? If so, I think her language is definitely anti- respect, appreciation for diversity, etc which are usually components of core value policies. Honestly, if you talk to her and the behavior continues, I'm sure HR would be able to step in - I just don't have much tolerance for derogatory language in the workplace and I don't think you should have to deal with it, either.

 

[princesss]

Interesting that this comes up now. I''ve only really *just* begun to understand how hurtful that word is, and have eliminated it from my vocabulary. I think above posters have it right -- when a word''s meaning doesn''t directly affect you or your loved ones, you forget what it can mean/how it can hurt people.

I would definitely be honest with her, but is there any way you could bring this up with a boss/HR? Even just to mention that you''ll be speaking with her because it makes you uncomfortable, but you''re expecting fallout? Not sure what the atmosphere in your office is, but I would definitely try to make sure the situation is noted so that if she tries to sabotage you or abuse you, other people are aware of what''s going on.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:23:20 PM
Author: princesss
Interesting that this comes up now. I've only really *just* begun to understand how hurtful that word is, and have eliminated it from my vocabulary. I think above posters have it right -- when a word's meaning doesn't directly affect you or your loved ones, you forget what it can mean/how it can hurt people.

I would definitely be honest with her, but is there any way you could bring this up with a boss/HR? Even just to mention that you'll be speaking with her because it makes you uncomfortable, but you're expecting fallout? Not sure what the atmosphere in your office is, but I would definitely try to make sure the situation is noted so that if she tries to sabotage you or abuse you, other people are aware of what's going on.

We're definitely a family-friendly, all about being PC, inclusive company, yada yada yada. This woman is just the exception to the norm.

The co-worker won't create a whole scene, per se, but based on similar situations I have witnessed involving her (in which she is in the wrong), there are three likely reactions she will have: 1) Deny: "Oh, I would never say that. I LOOOVE people with disabilities", 2) Blame it on me misunderstanding: "You misunderstood me. I wasn't saying it like it was a bad thing", 3) Redirecting blame: "Fine I won't say it anymore, but you shouldn't be so sensitive." You know what, though? I need to put on my big-girl pants and just say something because, gosh darn it, how else will it get solved? **as I shiver like a humungo wuss in the corner**

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:22:42 PM
Author: Elmorton
I don''t have a whole lot to offer in terms of advice, just wanted to say that I agree with you 100% that I hate hearing people use that term in a derogatory way - my students describe EVERYTHING as ''retarded'' which means we have to stop class pretty often to discuss language use in relation to the college core values which I take pretty seriously in the classroom.

Does your company have a values statement? If so, I think her language is definitely anti- respect, appreciation for diversity, etc which are usually components of core value policies. Honestly, if you talk to her and the behavior continues, I''m sure HR would be able to step in - I just don''t have much tolerance for derogatory language in the workplace and I don''t think you should have to deal with it, either.

It has become such a popular thing to say, which makes it even more difficult to step in and request people not say it. I think most people absolutely do not make the connection between the word they''re using and the affect it can have on others... which in a way is good because at least people are not intending to be offensive, but it''s also bad because some people continue to do it and merely call those who disagree with the word usage "over-sensitive". I think the proliferation of the word usage has numbed some people to the affect the word can have. Part of me says: "don''t give such words power". The other part of me says: "stop being mean, people!" So all in all, I wind up a smidge confused and touch irked.

 

[princesss]

You''ll be fine. (And dang, those big girl pants are uncomfortable sometimes, huh?)

 

[Sabine]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I try to teach my students to say what they really mean, because when they call something gay or retarded, they don''t think they''re being offensive because they don''t mean it "that way." But I try to get them to think about what they are saying and don''t say anything that could be misinterpreted, and it''s always interesting to hear what they come up with when they try to be more descriptive. Unfortunately, although most of them usually just go along with me (and spend a semester wondering if I''m secretly gay, why else would I get so upset?), they don''t usually internalize it.

I would definitely suggest saying something, but I wouldn''t seek her out to do it. Just wait until the next time that she says it when you two are the only ones in conversation (don''t embarrass her in front of others), and just say, hey, would you mind using a different word? No explanation needed unless she presses the issue.

 

[CJ2008]

Hey april...

I think you need to take a deep breath and address the situation - you'll feel better you did, even if you dread the confrontation and are having some anxiety about what might come out of it.

I think you may just need to lay it out for her straight so that NO EXCUSE is valid. Something like "I don't know if you realize, but you've used the word retarded in the past. I know you mean no offense when you use it, but I really hate the word. As you know, my brother is mentally challenged and for me, that word is not a neutral word. I would really appreciate if you would stop using it."

That kind of catches some of the excuses you think she'll use before she even thinks them...and it's a polite, but direct, and firm, request.

If you end up using e-mail, maybe you could add that you wanted to make sure this stayed private between you guys and you thought that would be the best way...

But, if she doesn't respond, I would definitely approach her "live".

 

[TravelingGal]

Your coworker sounds like a piece of work.

If you don''t want her to say it, you''re going to have to ask her nicely, somehow, to not say it around you. If your coworker has any heart, she would make an effort not to do it.

Personally, I don''t see anything wrong with the word retarded when used in the right context (i.e., to describe the mentally disabled). I once got a scolding from someone I didn''t even know because I used that word (in the right context). The next day, USA today ran a story that retarded was actually the politically CORRECT word to use and people in the story were asking folks to stop using the word "disabled."

Honestly, I am not a PC fan. However, I do think you can be unPC and somewhat tactful about it!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

That is such a hard situation. I *hate* people like that and have known a few in my lifetime. In a way it is sad how angry and unhappy they are so they project it and make everyone else unhappy. The fact that she KNOWS about your brother is horrible. I have been in a similar situation before (over my religion). I told the person how it made me feel and he sincerely felt bad. Later he thanked me for confronting him b/c it made him think differently. Since she is so defensive maybe I would ask her to go get a cup of coffee and delicately explain how it makes you feel, the things your brother has to deal with on a daily basis, how you know she didn''t mean it but that it hurts your feelings. Good luck.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

((((HUGS)))) April! I''m so sorry you have to put up with this at work (or anywhere for that matter).

Here''s what you do: EVERY time you hear her say that word from now on, shoot a rubber band at her! I think they call this "aversion therapy," right?!?! LOL!!!

Seriously, I agree that it''s totally unprofessional and downright rude for her to use that word, ESPECIALLY since she knows about your brother and has even met him for Pete''s sake!!! UGH she''s making me mad!

I would definitely say something to her, but make sure to do it privately so she doesn''t feel the need to be defensive. I think you have a better chance of avoiding The Wrath if you handle this privately, so she can save face. And I don''t blame you for not wanting to talk to her about it, either . . . I''m the conflict avoidance queen!!!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:06:07 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Your coworker sounds like a piece of work.

If you don''t want her to say it, you''re going to have to ask her nicely, somehow, to not say it around you. If your coworker has any heart, she would make an effort not to do it.

Personally, I don''t see anything wrong with the word retarded when used in the right context (i.e., to describe the mentally disabled). I once got a scolding from someone I didn''t even know because I used that word (in the right context). The next day, USA today ran a story that retarded was actually the politically CORRECT word to use and people in the story were asking folks to stop using the word ''disabled.''

Honestly, I am not a PC fan. However, I do think you can be unPC and somewhat tactful about it!

I have no problem with the word "retarded" when it is used properly. If it''s the correct word to use... it''s the correct word to use. Of course when it is used in the verb form (i.e.: "retard" meaning "to slow down"..."the medication will retard your heart rate"), that''s fine too. It''s when the word is used in a derogatory way that I get peeved.

Regarding the ever-changing "handicapped" vs. "disabled" vs. "differenly-abled" PC terminolgy... it''s all too confusing to me. As long as people are at least trying to be sensitive to others, it''s fine with me.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:55:50 PM
Author: princesss
You''ll be fine. (And dang, those big girl pants are uncomfortable sometimes, huh?)

Uh, yeah! What are these things made of... sandpaper?

 

[beebrisk]

Along with T-Gal, I''m not a PC person either and it takes a lot to offend me.

I think however, if I were you and had to hear my office mate use that term it would stick in my craw too. It would really bug me.

But just remember, her words are just that...they don''t change anything about you or your beloved brother.

Sounds to me like this gal is an equal opportunity offender and lacking a few important social and professional skills. I guess I''d just let her live in her own small world and go on about my business. She be off annoying/offending someone else soon enough!

 

[iheartscience]

Can you take the less confrontational way out and talk to HR about it? That way you won''t have to face her wrath directly. Just thought I''d throw that out there!

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:30:54 PM
Author: thing2of2
Can you take the less confrontational way out and talk to HR about it? That way you won''t have to face her wrath directly. Just thought I''d throw that out there!

That sounds fabulous, as I hate confrontation. However, if I were her, I know I''d rather have someone tell me face-to-face rather than having a HR person come after me. I know what I should do... I just don''t wanna do it.

 

[dragonfly411]

I think the best way is to calmly approach the situation and just let her know that hey, I have a mentally challenged family member, I know that you aren''t using it in terms of being offensive, and in today''s world it''s used without even flinching by some, but I wish you would watch use of the word because out of context it could be taken the wrong way.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:39:21 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 8/14/2008 2:30:54 PM

Author: thing2of2

Can you take the less confrontational way out and talk to HR about it? That way you won''t have to face her wrath directly. Just thought I''d throw that out there!

That sounds fabulous, as I hate confrontation. However, if I were her, I know I''d rather have someone tell me face-to-face rather than having a HR person come after me. I know what I should do... I just don''t wanna do it.

Fair enough! I would just say something like what dragonfly said, then. It''s diplomatic and not confrontational. Good luck...just put on those big girl pants and do it!

 

[WishfulThinking]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. If it were me I would call her nicely but firmly on it, tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her if she could please stop saying it. I would then let her do her thing. If she wants to throw a hissy fit or be passive aggressive she can go right ahead and do that, but if she says it again, you could go to HR and make sure they know you've spoken politely with her about it and she hasn't changed the behavior. Then you'll have been proactive and nice, she'll have been unreasonable and offensive, and hopefully HR will see that and take action. I would think that they would be very concerned by her behavior, which is blatantly offensive as well as juvenile.

This topic is one of my biggest pet peeves, partly for the reason you mentioned in your post. All through highschool it was "OMG THAT IS SO GAY" every five seconds by everyone.

It got old after awhile, and I started calling people on it. My highschool self went the "shut up" route. It was actually pretty effective. For a lot of people, maybe your coworker even, it's a pattern of speech that is so ingrained that they no longer even notice they say it, and are not thinking about it being offensive. Unfortunately for the rest of us, their intent doesn't make the words or phrases less offensive and hurtful. Most of the people I've encountered have been visibly embarrassed when I said something about their word usage, and even more-so if they are an adult. Sometimes their immediate reaction and way of dealing with being singled out is to act flippant, act like you were the one being too sensitive, or that they loooooovveeee _____ group they have insulted. Over time I've noticed a change in behavior regardless of those reactions.

On a slightly tangential note, I bought a tank top a few months ago that says "Same Sex Marriage... that's SO gay" on it. It's supposed to be funny, and in the moment I appreciated the humor. I still do, to some extent, but I just can't make myself wear it! I feel like I'd be playing into the negative and hurtful behavior that has haunted me since I was a kid. /tangent

Good luck, this lady sounds like a real piece of work.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 3:42:05 PM
Author: WishfulThinking
You''ve gotten a lot of good advice here. If it were me I would call her nicely but firmly on it, tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her if she could please stop saying it. I would then let her do her thing. If she wants to throw a hissy fit or be passive aggressive she can go right ahead and do that, but if she says it again, you could go to HR and make sure they know you''ve spoken politely with her about it and she hasn''t changed the behavior. Then you''ll have been proactive and nice, she''ll have been unreasonable and offensive, and hopefully HR will see that and take action. I would think that they would be very concerned by her behavior, which is blatantly offensive as well as juvenile.

This topic is one of my biggest pet peeves, partly for the reason you mentioned in your post. All through highschool it was ''OMG THAT IS SO GAY'' every five seconds by everyone.

It got old after awhile, and I started calling people on it. My highschool self went the ''shut up'' route. It was actually pretty effective. For a lot of people, maybe your coworker even, it''s a pattern of speech that is so ingrained that they no longer even notice they say it, and are not thinking about it being offensive. Unfortunately for the rest of us, their intent doesn''t make the words or phrases less offensive and hurtful. Most of the people I''ve encountered have been visibly embarrassed when I said something about their word usage, and even more-so if they are an adult. Sometimes their immediate reaction and way of dealing with being singled out is to act flippant, act like you were the one being too sensitive, or that they loooooovveeee _____ group they have insulted. Over time I''ve noticed a change in behavior regardless of those reactions.

On a slightly tangential note, I bought a tank top a few months ago that says ''Same Sex Marriage... that''s SO gay'' on it. It''s supposed to be funny, and in the moment I appreciated the humor. I still do, to some extent, but I just can''t make myself wear it! I feel like I''d be playing into the negative and hurtful behavior that has haunted me since I was a kid. /tangent

Good luck, this lady sounds like a real piece of work.

You''re absolutely right. I have gotten some fantastic advice. Thank you to all of my very smart PSers!

Wishful, she is a piece of work. Honestly, most days there''s at least one time I overhear her say something to someone and my jaw just drops. I''ve worked with her for three years, now, and she still surprises me with what she says. Sometimes I wonder how she keeps her job, considering her behavior. However, my company isn''t a willy-nilly firing kind of company. Usually, there are only two reasons you get fired here: 1) you do something REALLY wrong, 2) significant economic downturn (they''ll still try to find you another position in this case, though). Good for her... annoying for the rest of us.

 

[Po10472]

Hiya, got a few questions for ya..........

1. Does your organisation have a dignity at work policy? - if you are unsure, request a copy from your HR department and read it thoroughly. This is a way for you to raise your concerns without going down the formal route.

2. Do you have an effective grievance procedure? - If the ''informal'' route above s not to your satisfaction, then you can raise a grievance.

Regardless of how other people treat this woman, she is offending you and you do not need to pussy-foot around her cos everyone else does. Consult your HR department and get your line manager on the case. Document dates, times and what she has said and take action.

If we fail to act against loudmouths and bullies they''ll get away with it. It may seem trivial to others, but its not to you.

po
x

 

[jcarlylew]

I can only agree with everyone and send some support your way! I vote with the email way - passive? yes, but in this term it is OK becuase you are not trying to make a situation out of it. this is how i would phrase it
"I''m not sure if you realize this, but it makes me uncomfortable when you use the word retarded in a derogatory term. I would really appreciate it if you could stop using that word, at least when i am around."

Short, and simple. I met my boyf through work and had a coworker (though a good friend) keep on calling me a "driver lover" (boyf was a driver for the CO), and how i "knew" all the drivers. at that point i just told her she needs to can it. and she did

Good luck with those big girl pants. and they are made out of a poly-sandpaper blend. highly itchy

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/14/2008 4:03:14 PM
Author: Po10472
Hiya, got a few questions for ya..........

1. Does your organisation have a dignity at work policy? - if you are unsure, request a copy from your HR department and read it thoroughly. This is a way for you to raise your concerns without going down the formal route.

2. Do you have an effective grievance procedure? - If the ''informal'' route above s not to your satisfaction, then you can raise a grievance.

Regardless of how other people treat this woman, she is offending you and you do not need to pussy-foot around her cos everyone else does. Consult your HR department and get your line manager on the case. Document dates, times and what she has said and take action.

If we fail to act against loudmouths and bullies they''ll get away with it. It may seem trivial to others, but its not to you.

po
x

Those are good questions. We''re the HQ for an international hotel chain, so I''m pretty sure (and hope) we have both of those HR items. If I can, I''d like to work it out with her individually. Now, if she does not stop - I don''t mean the occasional slip-up (we''ve all made mistakes) but a conscious effort to NOT stop saying it - then I will either take it to HR or our boss.

 

[VRBeauty]

It''s your manager''s job to ensure that you are working in a professional, non-hostile workplace. You should be able to talk to your manager about this and ask her to make sure the offensive behavior stops, either before or instead of talking to the co-worker directly. It''s possible that your manager will appreciate the excuse to talk to this woman about her behavior. Whatever you do, document it in your own files in case there''s a need for management/HR follow-up, or the offender''s behavior gets worse, or whatever.

Good luck!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 8/14/2008 4:11:11 PM
Author: aprilcait

Date: 8/14/2008 4:03:14 PM
Author: Po10472
Hiya, got a few questions for ya..........

1. Does your organisation have a dignity at work policy? - if you are unsure, request a copy from your HR department and read it thoroughly. This is a way for you to raise your concerns without going down the formal route.

2. Do you have an effective grievance procedure? - If the ''informal'' route above s not to your satisfaction, then you can raise a grievance.

Regardless of how other people treat this woman, she is offending you and you do not need to pussy-foot around her cos everyone else does. Consult your HR department and get your line manager on the case. Document dates, times and what she has said and take action.

If we fail to act against loudmouths and bullies they''ll get away with it. It may seem trivial to others, but its not to you.

po
x

Those are good questions. We''re the HQ for an international hotel chain, so I''m pretty sure (and hope) we have both of those HR items. If I can, I''d like to work it out with her individually. Now, if she does not stop - I don''t mean the occasional slip-up (we''ve all made mistakes) but a conscious effort to NOT stop saying it - then I will either take it to HR or our boss.

April, this sounds like a great plan. Good luck, and definitely let us know how it goes!