childless by choice ... what comes next?

[exoticisabella]

So, as I am entering my mid-ish twenties (I''m 23 and DH is 27) I''ve been contemplating what exactly "happens" in your twenties, thirties and fourties when you choose not to have children - and no, we won''t and can''t change our mind as he is snipped. DH and I have been married for just over four years, own our home, he''s working on his CPA and I''m trying to figure out which gemology school I would like to go to. We have four beautiful furbabies that we spend our time with and as soon as Tank, my rottweiler, has matured I''m going to start him on agility training. The days are relaxed, carefree, and easygoing...BUT...I sometimes don''t know what to do with myself! My friends are all hopping on the baby train and I have to say that''s one stop I''m happy to miss. Those who are older then us see us as the "youngins" and we just don''t quite fit in. So, my question is for all of you who are childless by choice, what were the 20''s and 30''s like? What did you do? Did you lose your friends to thier kids (as we slowly seem to be doing)? Thanks for any thoughts and help!

 

[lulu]

It is possible to reverse a vasectomy. Not that you should. Just that the option is there if you want it.

 

[*Danielle*]

I don''t believe that is an option she wants to look into.

I am younger, and unsure on kids, but maybe traveling? The bonus is not serious ties and fewer obligations so pretty much anything is open.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:26:28 PM
Author:exoticisabella
So, as I am entering my mid-ish twenties (I''m 23 and DH is 27) I''ve been contemplating what exactly ''happens'' in your twenties, thirties and fourties when you choose not to have children - and no, we won''t and can''t change our mind as he is snipped. DH and I have been married for just over four years, own our home, he''s working on his CPA and I''m trying to figure out which gemology school I would like to go to. We have four beautiful furbabies that we spend our time with and as soon as Tank, my rottweiler, has matured I''m going to start him on agility training. The days are relaxed, carefree, and easygoing...BUT...I sometimes don''t know what to do with myself! My friends are all hopping on the baby train and I have to say that''s one stop I''m happy to miss. Those who are older then us see us as the ''youngins'' and we just don''t quite fit in. So, my question is for all of you who are childless by choice, what were the 20''s and 30''s like? What did you do? Did you lose your friends to thier kids (as we slowly seem to be doing)? Thanks for any thoughts and help!

Huh? Don''t ask the people who are childless by choice - ask us folks who have children and we will give you a LAUNDRY list of what you could do!

Hehehe.

The social thing is a fair question. But when I was in my 30''s and still looking pretty single, I was happy to hang out with people younger than me. The key is common interests! If you know people in their 30''s with no kids, I would think that as long as everyone exhibits some sort of maturity, there''d be plenty to talk about and enjoy together. I do think you face an uphill battle with your peers who are having kids...their interests will really change. Find new friends with the same interests as yours. Willingly not having children is actually quite the tie that binds.

As for things to do...

Travel.

Spoil any nieces and nephews.

Volunteer and help the community.

Work towards a big ole goal like running a marathon, or climbing Everest.

Chase
your
Dreams...........................


no matter how big.

 

[exoticisabella]

Date: 9/30/2009 2:09:45 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/29/2009 11:26:28 PM
Author:exoticisabella
So, as I am entering my mid-ish twenties (I''m 23 and DH is 27) I''ve been contemplating what exactly ''happens'' in your twenties, thirties and fourties when you choose not to have children - and no, we won''t and can''t change our mind as he is snipped. DH and I have been married for just over four years, own our home, he''s working on his CPA and I''m trying to figure out which gemology school I would like to go to. We have four beautiful furbabies that we spend our time with and as soon as Tank, my rottweiler, has matured I''m going to start him on agility training. The days are relaxed, carefree, and easygoing...BUT...I sometimes don''t know what to do with myself! My friends are all hopping on the baby train and I have to say that''s one stop I''m happy to miss. Those who are older then us see us as the ''youngins'' and we just don''t quite fit in. So, my question is for all of you who are childless by choice, what were the 20''s and 30''s like? What did you do? Did you lose your friends to thier kids (as we slowly seem to be doing)? Thanks for any thoughts and help!

Huh? Don''t ask the people who are childless by choice - ask us folks who have children and we will give you a LAUNDRY list of what you could do!

Hehehe.

The social thing is a fair question. But when I was in my 30''s and still looking pretty single, I was happy to hang out with people younger than me. The key is common interests! If you know people in their 30''s with no kids, I would think that as long as everyone exhibits some sort of maturity, there''d be plenty to talk about and enjoy together. I do think you face an uphill battle with your peers who are having kids...their interests will really change. Find new friends with the same interests as yours. Willingly not having children is actually quite the tie that binds.

As for things to do...

Travel.

Spoil any nieces and nephews.

Volunteer and help the community.

Work towards a big ole goal like running a marathon, or climbing Everest.

Chase
your
Dreams...........................


no matter how big.

Oooh, I wish I had nieces and nephews to spoil! I''m an only child and he only has a younger brother. I''ve been spoiling my coworkers daughter instead

. I found a great love of cooking...ooh, anybody know of some good cooking message boards? We did have one couple that we were good friends with. They too didn''t want children, but then the "oops" son came along (and I know they do love their son more than anything

) and they had to relocate to the east coast for his job

. It''s just nice to hear what others have gone through/noticed in life. thank you!

 

[geckodani]

DH and I are planning on kids, but there are some fertility issues in my family, so it may be a no go. If we can''t, we''ve already talked about traveling extensively. We have married friends with and without kids, and it doesn''t seem to be a social barrier as far as hanging out is concerned either. As long as you share some common interests, the kids or no kids status shouldn''t impact friendships too much, IMO.

 

[soocool]

DH and I have lots of friends who are childless (most in 40s and 50s) that we have known at least 20 years and it is funny that around the time they were in their mid to late 30s they all got pets. It was either cats, dogs or birds and they treat them as if they were children.

As for your DH''s vasectomy, one of these friend''s husband was also snipped and when she turned 40 she got pregnant (her DH was in his 50s - his 2nd marriage- and they were married about 3 years then). So while it is rare it can happen.

 

[janinegirly]

to add onto the great feedback already given, my thought would be to live/be near an urban area? That gives you a whole host of things to do on a daily basis (arts, culture, restaurants, shows, parks, etc) and filled with childless people. Because that''s one thing I''ve noticed being in the ''burbs--even though I have a child, it is all everyone talks about to the point I wonder how people who don''t have children are able to blend. And I don''t even want to talk about it THAT much but kind of have to in order to assimilate (we''re transplants from the City). I didn''t have a baby till 36 so that''s a lot of years of no kids but since I was always living in cities, it never was an issue or hard to fill my time. Travel is a great suggestion too, and of course, career. Lots of options!

 

[nytemist]

I am childfree by choce as well. Told people for many years that I would not be a mom. In my experience, in your twenties you get the ''oh, you''re young, you''ll change your mind'', or the ''well, not yet- wait until you are older and settled'' attitude from most people. I was single most of my twenties simply beacuse I has zero trust in men and preferred being alone. I worked hard, hung out with friends, did some travel, volunteered at a hospital (maternity ward no less, helping to take care of the tragic crack babies) I could also spend time doing the things I loved, reading for hours, going to movies, checking out a great restaurant.

About 29 I started dating my now DH. Couple of years into it, most of the female friends of mine, and there aren''t many since more of my friends are men, started with the ''ok, no more joking around, I have to find a man to marry and have children with'' train of thought. This of course got directed at me- ''Nytemist, when are you guys getting married? You will start running out of time for kids!'' My reply was still no, not having them, on to the text topic. They began getting married and having the suburban family lifesytle they all have been raised to think they want. I did not follow the lift scipt and continued to do what I wanted.

Fast forward to now. I willl be 38 in a few weeks. I still get to the snide comments and put-downs for not wanting children. Be prepared for that, especially being in your twenties. People will say things along the lines of you''re too young to decide that or that you''ll change your mind and adopt (because ALL women want kids, right???!!!) I have lost friends completely since they lost their identity and only think in terms of mom we have nothing to talk about anymore. A few that I am still friends with now say things like ''it must be great to have your free time'', ''I wish I could travel when I wanted to'', ''you made the right decision to stay a family of two'' and other things like that. One friend still likes to call me the wild child. I''m proud of that- I will still rock the tattoos, interesting wardrobe and add to my sword collection.

What do we do with out time? Well, lately HD''s focus has been his cats since they both have some health issues and need to be medicated twice a day. Cuts out being able to travel together more than a day trip but what can you do. I''m going away to Germany and it sucks that he can''t come with me as I''m afraid of flying. We watch movies, go to museums, bowling, playing pool, catch up on books and whatever else we want to do. Above all, we can be spontaneous.

Spend time perfecting the cooking skills! It''s really fun to spend an evening in the kitchen together creating a great meal, then enjoying it with some wine. Find a volunteer activtiy you love, like the SPCA. Most importantly, spend as much quality time bonding with your husband.

Sorry it''s a novel, but whenever the CF topic comes around, I have a lot to say about it. Like I said in the thread a few months ago, it amazes me how many people around me are bothered by a choice we''ve made for our lives.

 

[Bia]

From someone not married here:

How about meet-ups/clubs? I know in NYC there are TONS.

If you guys like to cook you could join a cooking club or a dinner club - or even a we-dont-want-kids-ever club. It''s a way for you to meet people in your area who share similar interests and it could be a great way to make friends in your age group. I find that having "couple" friends is great because you can do things as a group, but no one feels left out. You can also go out together, plan vacations together, etc.

I ditto the travel suggestion, if that''s something you both enjoy.

 

[Jas12]

I am not childless (if the avi didn''t give it away

) but i am close with 3 couples in my family (now in their 50''s) that are.
What do they do? Mostly lots of travel, cooking, leisure stuff like going to the gym or taking classes, but i know that all of them have close friends with children. I had a converstation about this once with my childless cousin right after i got engaged and was deciding when i would start a family. She admitted that her 30''s were hard b/c all her close friends were having kids and she was out of touch with many of them for years. However, kids do grow up--once they hit middle or high school parents largely regain their independence/freedom and parents can focus on one-another or their friends again. My cousin says she rekindled her relationship with lots of old friends that were consumed with the business of parenting for years.

 

[radiantquest]

I am 27 and hubby is 33. We spend our time sleeping in, doing whatever we want. I do have a stepdaughter. We have her every other week so we have the childless life every other week and that is what we do. We go out when we want, stay up late because we don''t have a baby that will wake us at 6. Maybe you could take a neice or nephew for a weekend and have them stay with you. While you are sitting there and can''t go do whatever you want a million things will opo into your mind about what you can do without a child to care for.

Most people that I know that either don''t have kids or thier children are grown travel a good bit.

 

[lucyandroger]

A woman I went to law school with was a spokesperson for this organization http://www.nokidding.net/ . Maybe there''s a chapter near you.

 

[Sha]

I got married at 31. When I was in my 20's I travelled a bit on my own, focused on developing my career, and also developed my favourite hobby (photography) as well as turned it into a part-time business. That took up a good bit of my time! It was great because I wasn't in a relationship and had all the time I needed to focus on developing myself and my skills. Is there a favourite hobby or skill that you'd like to work on? It's a really good way to use up free time.

Any goals that you'd like to work on? I think it's good for couples/individuals to have regular goals/challenges as well, if not, life can get fairly routine. For me - my goals in my 20's were developing my career and hobby. In my early thirties - I focused on marriage and well as completing my Masters. Now at 33 - the next goal I have is building a family. I'm pregnant now (7 months) and am excited and anxious, about this new step DH and I are taking. It's completely unchartered territory - I think it'll be challenging and interesting, though.

I think it's good for couples/individuals to have regular goals/challenges that they can work towards, whatever those might be, to help keep life interesting.

 

[Haven]

Great response, TGal.

My husband is 39 and I''m 28 (well, I have one week of being 28 left) and we don''t have kids yet. It isn''t really because we want to be childless forever, it''s that we only met five years ago so we aren''t ready to give up our child-free existence yet.

ANYWAY, I can tell you that my DH spent his child- and (mostly) wife-free 20s and 30s doing *exactly*as*he*pleased. Or, as TGal said, he chased a bunch of dreams. Or, in the very least, several strong interests and a handful of fleeting ones.
- He left the family business to pursue a career that he loves, which took a lot of time and money. And serious conversations with his family to repair that wound. (It sounds like you plan on doing this too, the career change that is, which is great!)
- He traveled more than I can recount here, both alone or with a group of his close friends. Internationally, and within the states.
- He joined a ton of athletic teams so he could relive his dreams of becoming a pro athlete. He did a bunch of triathlons, joined a volleyball team, softball team, and spent every Saturday morning in the summer months (for years) waking up at 4:30 AM to snag a good North Ave. Beach volleyball court.
- He bought an obnoxious drum set, took lessons, and spent a lot of evenings banging away, pretending he was Neal Peart.
- He saved a lot of money because he lived as a bachelor in a one bedroom bachelor pad and ate like a bachelor for *years* longer than your average individual.
- He did go to a lot of infant birthday parties, he did. And he enjoyed them because he loves his friends and their children.
- And, I think this is a natural result of being childless when a lot of your friends start reproducing, he made an excellent group of friends who were also single and childless. He didn''t abandon his friends who had children, but he did end up finding an entirely new group of guys who were in a similar situation as he was, which meant they could all play together when their friends with kids were busy, well, with kids.

Now that we''re married, we spend a lot of time taking care of our dog and three cats, our home, and learning about our interest-of-the-month, as we like to say. DH has been getting into cooking, and I love all things art, so I''ve been creating a lot of it in my little spare bedroom/art studio.

I say enjoy all your time! It is such a luxury to have a lot of it.

 

[MustangGal]

I got married at 21, and didn''t have a baby until this year at 29, so I did spend most of my twenties married and childless. We traveled a bit (including several cruises), I finished my degree and worked my way up in my career. We each have hobbies (DH fixes old cars and I cross stitch), we played on an adult softball leauge, and went out to dinner/movies/plays. We do live in a big city, but aren''t really big city people. We actually have several frineds that don''t have kids yet/aren''t going to, and now that we do we just make sure we have something to say other than baby related things. You might get along better with parents that have a bit older children, or find active groups/clubs. If I didn''t have to worry about childcare, I would take cooking classes, learn Spanish, join a book club, and possibly go back to school for my Masters.

 

[rainwood]

I am in my 50''s and we are child-free. I never felt like there was time in my life I needed to fill because we didn''t have kids. In my 20''s, I was focused on college, law school, and career. My husband traveled a lot and there wasn''t much free time for anything. We did travel some, but mostly it was work and carving time out for each other. I can''t imagine how we''d have fit in children then. In our 30''s, we focused on career and family and travel, built a house, and did the things most other people do. Yes, it''s true that you start drifting apart from friends who have kids. We certainly experienced that as so many of our friends moved to the ''burbs and their limited free time revolved around their kids as it should. That''s when we started building a circle of friends who didn''t have children as well as those who did. We waited until I started working part-time to get a dog, something I''d been waiting decades to do, but that had nothing to do with filling a void. It was just a lack of time to spend with a dog which would have been unfair to the dog. That said, we love our dog to pieces.

Now we''re in our 50''s, our lives are still filled with family, friends, pets, work, and now we''re remodeling the house we had built for us in our 30''s. Many of our friends who had children are now empty nesters and they want to move back to the city and do the things we do so we''re happy to welcome them into our lives again.

 

[VRBeauty]

In addition to the excellent input that''s already been posted...

it sounds like part of your question is how do we develop a social life when all of our friends have focused their attention on child-rearing?

Several of my friends have used http://www.meetup.com/ to find activities, and some friendships have developed from that. It''s designed to provide people with a way to find others that have similar activities. I believe it''s free, but I''m not sure about that.

I also have several friends who are in supper clubs... they''ll have monthly dinners as one member''s house. The groups usually consist of about four couples. The "rules" vary, but the groups that seem to keep going the longest have the host for the month set a theme for the dinner and prepare the main dish, and the others bring assigned courses that go with the theme.

 

[Blackpaw]

Great topic ExoticIsabella

My SO and I are in the same boat as you. Im 26, he''s 32 and we''re not planning on having children. Im not a fan to be honest.

We have the same worries as you about drifting apart from our friends when they start having kids. Luckily only one or two of them has that in the near future id guess, so we have a reprieve for a bit, but that time will come im sure.

I want to second tgal - travel is the ticket! SO and i are working overseas at the moment and dont plan on returning for some time. We saved very hard for 18months and traveled all of last year...i think we went to 20 something countries! And we have a few more years overseas to make our way around a some more places yet...i love travelling! its my and SO''s biggest passion...

I like to imagine that our lives will pan out like this.....we''ll move back to australia for me to start my 30s (or about then), focus on getting a house, a pet, building careers, having great holidays and developing our interests...hiking, scuba diving, reading, writing and playing xbox

we''ll spoil our future neice or nephew (on the way!!) and we''ll hopefully be financially secure enough to live overseas again at another time....
And we''ll have friendships with the people who share our interests. We''ll have our family too, and mostly each other - we can really focus on ''us''

Im thinking that more and more people are choosing not to have kids, so im hoping there''ll be plenty of friends to make. And like Rainwood said, those old friends will come back one day

 

[trillionaire]

start a business.

write a book or two or seven

read loads of books!

learn a language

learn to play an instrument

learn art or music history, or architecture

take classes at a community college in a topic of interest

train for a half marathon, half marathon or triathlon...

basically the same things that everyone else does, minus the kids stuff!

also, be a great sister, daughter, neice, and granddaughter!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Ooh, forgot to add...

Have LOTS of sex with the hubby.

For FUN.

 

[MissChi]

I agree with everyone else - travel, travel, travel!

 

[trillionaire]

If you have vacation time, you can do some of those international service projects from anywhere from a week to a month or more! You can travel the world and volunteer, too! It sounds amazing to me!

The world is your oyster!

 

[steph72276]

Date: 9/30/2009 6:35:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ooh, forgot to add...


Have LOTS of sex with the hubby.


For FUN.

Hahahaha!

 

[HollyS]

What comes next? Well, life comes next. There are other ways to ''live'' without raising children. I should certainly know.

Develop a skill, take up a hobby, volunteer in your community, get involved in a religious community of your choice, indulge in acquiring art or antiques, buy or build your dream home, save one heck of a nest egg that won''t be eaten up by kid expenses, take vacations, go wherever you want, whenever you want without worry or guilt. Pay attention to, and nurture without distractions, your marriage. And look at all of this as a blessing.

I know society wants us paired up and raising a brood, but life begins when you finally get to focus on what makes you happy. So find a focus.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 9/30/2009 6:35:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ooh, forgot to add...

Have LOTS of sex with the hubby.

For FUN.

ha! on a tangent...you never filled us in on your trip to Oz.....did you end up staying somewhere separate from the inlaws and have alot of "fun"?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:09:29 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 9/30/2009 6:35:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ooh, forgot to add...

Have LOTS of sex with the hubby.

For FUN.

ha! on a tangent...you never filled us in on your trip to Oz.....did you end up staying somewhere separate from the inlaws and have alot of ''fun''?

They stayed in the same hotel as us but different rooms. And we were with them the WHOLE time.

 

[noelwr]

we do WHATEVER we want WHENEVER we want. a luxury you just don''t have with kids. we haven''t actually lost any of our friends to kids. most married couple friends we have all do not have kids and are in their mid-30s. they still go out drinking on weekends and throw parties at home.

we sleep in on the weekends, travel the world (which we don''t have to plan around school holidays), and talk about how much we enjoy not having screaming children around us that we have to plan our lives around.

exoticisabella - do you have a fulltime job or considered getting one? if you work fulltime you just look forward to the time alone together and that''s all you want to do.

 

[April20]

DH and I are childless by choice- I''m in my early 30s, DH just hit 40. We travel at least twice a year and on a day to day basis, just enjoy being able to do anything at the drop of a hat. We do volunteer work as well. I will say that we have a huge advantage in that nearly all of our friends are also childless by choice. We''re friends with at least ten other couple in the same boat as we are, so social events are easy to plan and happen rather frequently.

We do have nieces, which I spoil rotten, and we have a small dog that gets a ridiculous amount of attention. We enjoy our lives and I feel sure will continue to.