catholic brides...i have a question for you.

[lulu66]

FI & i were both baptized & raised catholic. i went to catholic school & church every sunday while i lived with my parents. since i moved away for college, church going is much more sporadiac. it is the same for FI but his parents were much more open with his church options from high school on; he''s attended a wide range of churches. anyway, we plan to get married in the catholic church i grew up in where my parents are still members. i''m just feeling a little nervous about meeting with the priest. also, me & FI live together--wondering how the priest will respond? can anyone share their experiences with meeting the priest, especially if it''s in a parish you aren''t active participants in?

 

[sonnyjane]

My friend and her husband got married in the Catholic church and had to do all of the classes and counseling prior. They lived together, but lied about it. Now, the priest that married them was none the wiser, but I''m not sure lying in church is the way to start a marriage! Hopefully the ladies here will have some advice as to what to do (or not to do).

 

[kittybean]

DH and I were both baptized and raised Catholic and go to church every week. We were married by a priest we''d never met before the wedding planning process, and we were married at a church that wasn''t our parish. We moved in a few months after we got engaged; it made sense to us, and we knew we had a wedding date set, etc. We just told the priest flat-out during our first consultation, and he said, "I trust you know what the church has to say about that, so I don''t think we need to talk about it any more." So we didn''t. It was much, much easier than what I thought it would be! No one seemed to really give us a hard time, and we did all the classes and counseling (thank goodness that''s over!).

Hope that''s helpful! I think honesty is really the best policy.

 

[bee*]

I''m in Ireland so it''s probably a bit different but our priest was fine with it provided that we did the pre-marraige course that was required to be married in a catholic church. We were in the same situation as yours where we don''t go to mass as often as we used to and we''re in a different parish living together.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I know when my cousin and her fiance went to the counseling for the catholic church they could NOT be living together. They were, but they lied! And she had to promise they weren''t using any type of birth control, YIKES! or that they weren''t having any type of intimate contact as well......

 

[Morgie44]

We got married in a church where neither DH nor I were members and I am not Catholic. The priest was very very cool with everything, but we consider ourselves very lucky to have gotten such an awesome priest. He did ask DH how often he went to church and said something to the effect of you want God to know who you are when you get to heaven but that was the worst of it. DH''s cousin, who lives with her FI had a very different experience with the first church they wanted to get married at, where the priest ranted at them and told her that living together was a horrible way to start a life together... I guess it really all depends on how liberal or conservative the priest is. You should have a good idea of this if you are somewhat familiar with the priest.

 

[Nov2109]

FI and I have pretty much the same situation. I was raised catholic, but I''m not really sure why, my parents never enforced church etc-and religion is not all that important to me, to be honest. FI went to catholic school, his father is a deacon, went to church almost every sunday of his life...he was an altar boy when he was younger...etc...

We were really nervous about meeting with the deacon/priest because we live together-and I refuse to lie about my life because I am proud of it. FI felt the same. My church is very strict-it has a reputation for it(probably one of the reasons I have a bad taste in my mouth about the Catholic religion) When filling out the forms, we both put OUR home address. Nothing was said to us, except when we had to do a Focus session(you fill out a questionaire to rate your compatibility) we had an extra section on cohabitation...no big deal. No one is scolding us, refusing us a sacrament etc.

We have gone to two meetings with the deacon(we have one left in March we''re getting married in June), and just went to Pre-Cana. They usually wont come out and ask you if you live together-but if they do, be honest. They can''t refuse you a sacrament for "sinning". The only thing they may make you do is go to confession prior to your marriage, which in most cases you are required to do anyway...I personally wouldn''t lie. But if you feel you have to, then you can-a friend of mine did and she still has no idea why they lied about it.

From our understanding, the catholic church is trying to be more understanding of our generation, membership is down and they can''t afford to lose anymore young parishioners....

Just keep in mind-they can not refuse you a sacrament because you live together, and if they try to-find yourself another church!

Hope that helps!

 

[elrohwen]

I didn't get married in the Catholic church, but many of my friends are. Two couples were living together first and didn't have any problems with the priest. They also got married outside of their parish. So I don't think you should have any issues! One couple did decide to start abstaining after they went to the first few classes, but I think that only lasted a month or so

ETA: My parents did lie to get married in the church. Back in the day, they could not marry you if you did not want to have children during your marriage. At the time they didn't want kids, but had to tell the priest that they were "open to life." I think the priest knew what was going on, but I always thought it was pretty stupid that people were forced to lie to the church in order to get married (especially since it was a "formal lie" where the priest knew the truth anyway). I'm glad to see they don't hold that type of stuff against couples anymore.

 

[MagsyMay]

I''ve had 2 close friends that were living together (owned condos together) get married in a Catholic church and both of them lied and the girl said she was living with her parents.

 

[havernell]

We had an ecumenical service where both a priest and a minister participated in our ceremony (I''m protestant my now-husband is catholic). We did the pre-Cana, FOCUS and the rest of the catholic pre-marriage couseling in our current town (different place than where we got married) with a local priest. We didn''t hide the fact that we were living together and neither the local priest nor the priest who performed our wedding said anything about it. However, both of them are probably on the more liberal end of the spectrum (from NE university towns/cities).

I would try to contact couples who have been married in the church/by the priest you are thinking of to see what their experiences have been with the level of toleration for co-habitating couples. We could all give you our personal experiences with various priests, but unless you seek info about the specific priest you''re dealing with, you''ll never know what the reality will be for you. Perhaps your parents know of friends'' kids who have gotten married in your home parish recently who they could put you in touch with?? They would be the best people to ask.

Good luck!

 

[lulu66]

thanks for the responses, everyone! you''ve set my mind more at ease. we don''t plan to lie to the priest; i was just wondering some of the reactions other brides have gotten. the priest at the parish is relatively new there & actually used to have a parish in the town where i currently live. it was at our college newman center (i did not attend mass there when i went to univ), so i''m hoping he''s a little more liberal b/c of his experience with college students. he''s also relatively young for a priest, so... i just hope it goes well & it probably will; i''m probably worrying for nothing! but thanks again for reassuring me. and if anyone else has any experiences, feel free to share!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We got married in the Dominican Republic and had never met the priest that married us. We did all the preparation in a church close to our new home and we were honest with the deacon and the family life minister...

They prayed over me and our union and prepared us for marriage without saying anything else. I figured I need all the prayers I can get!

Congratulations on your marriage and good luck! I am sure you will be fine.

 

[Clairitek]

DH was raised Catholic (even has a priest and nun on his mother''s side of the family) so we decided to have a Catholic wedding ceremony. We had to register with a church in order to get through all the paperwork for the ceremony and get into a pre cana class. We had already been living together for almost a year at this point in the house that we own. When the priest at our local church asked for our address we just gave it to him and told him it was the same for both of us and he didn''t bat an eye.

Now, his uncle (who did end up marrying us) did his best to hide his surprise about us living together when he found out. He actually found out from me first because the first time I ever met him I hadn''t been told that DH''s mother''s siblings weren''t really clued in about our cohabitation. But once the cat was out of the bag no one really seemed to care.

So basically, after all this rambling, I think you can relax a little about the situation. Hopefully if the priest does not approve 100% of the cohabitation he won''t show it.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I''m pretty sure the current stance of the Catholic church is that they will tell you all the "evils" of living together, but they are not going to punish you or anything. They''re just not allowed to anymore. But don''t get me started on Catholic rules and regulations regarding marriage ceremonies... i''ve never wanted to be protestant so much in my whole life!

 

[chibride10]

We had a very similar situation...sporadically attend mass at the church where we were married, but hadn''t met the new priest until we started planning (the priest we were more familiar with retired). We came clean right away that we lived together, and the new (relatively younger) priest didn''t have anything at all to say about it. We did have to take a different pre-cana class for people who lived together, but that was actually really nice because it was more couples our age and in our same situation. We also had to answer an additional set of questions on the "quiz" thing you take, but again, that was helpful because it encouraged us talk about some of the issues that might effect a couple who already lives together. I hope this helps---I had all the same apprehensions as you, but our wedding (and the preparation leading up to it) ended up being great!

 

[charbie]

I wasn''t raised catholic, but converted before our wedding. The catholic church has changed a whole lot in the past 40 years, but some parishes with an older population or older priest can have some issues with various things. Since we had been going to our church for my conversion, we became very comfortable with how our church operated. We lived together, and when we took our focus test, my husband actually marked that sex is a good way to make up after a fight. Our priest laughed and asked if we needed to discuss that using sex probably isn''t the best way to fix things after a fight.

I don''t have much advice, now that I''ve read through this again. But I think churches are very accustomed to people moving away but coming home to get married. How strict was the church while you we''re growing up?

 

[lulu66]

i just wanted to thank everyone again for all there advice! i''ll keep you posted on how it goes in our situation but thanks to you, i''m feeling much more comfortable! need to get in touch with the church this week or next

!