Can I get some opinions?

[Allisonfaye]

I have had an awkward situation for a few years now with my sister. I married very late in life at 39. My husband makes a lot more than my sister''s family income. We traveled and ate out a lot when we first got married but I didn''t talk much about traveling to my sister or my husband''s family. I didn''t want to flaunt it in her face and my sister didn''t seem interested in my trips or hearing about them....in fact, my sister isn''t really interested in hearing about my life. And I don''t really talk about the trips around my in laws because they can''t afford to travel often. I am trying to be considerate.

I know how my sister thinks. Before I got married, our other sister was ''the rich one''. This is a quote from my sister. I know she resented the fact that my other sister could stay home with her kids and travel a bit. So I knew how she felt about me and the kind of comments she makes behind my back. These days, we don''t travel much with little kids and we still are furnishing our new house. EVERY time I buy anything, my sister asks how much it costs. If I buy a piece of jewelry or something for the house, etc. I think this is beyond rude and I am very uncomfortable talking about it and I have told her so flatly, in no uncertain terms. She asks how much my husband makes. She wanted to know how much income someone had to make to ''do whatever we want''. This is ridiculous. We have limits just like everyone else on what we can do.

She gets furious with me for not telling her this. Today, I told her we went to an antique store I had wanted to check out for while. I had an interest in antiques because I bought an antique server and I described it to her. Yes, you guessed it. The next thing she wanted to know was how much it cost. I said I don''t want to discuss it. She gets all mad and says I shouldn''t even tell her I bought it if I won''t tell her how much it costs.
Wouldn''t most people back down at this point and say well, she doesn''t want to tell so I will just forget it? Nope. Not my sister. She will argue and defend her point to the death and browbeat you and badger you until you tell her something. It wears me out.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable or is she?

 

[Skippy123]

Your sister sounds a little jealous. I am sorry you are going through that; jealousy can be very ugly on people. I don't know a good solutions but I do want to say I feel for you and maybe avoid telling her about your purchases. I know it is hard because you love her and she is close to you so you want her to join in your excitment! For some reason she does not seem able to do that so I personally would not tell her; that has happened to me w/close friends so I select whom I decide to tell.

 

[princesss]

Truthfully, I believe she is out of line. There is no need to badger you about how much money you have or how much things cost. It''s rude. I think you''re well within your rights to refuse to tell her financial information (even the trivial stuff).

However, I would probably stop bringing it up just to avoid being made to feel uncomfortable. She won''t stop the behaviour that leads to you being unhappy (asking about money) so I would limit the number of times she''s exposed to the fact that you spend it. It is maybe not the perfect solution, but I think it may lower your stress level.

Best of luck!

 

[Kaleigh]

If I were you, I wouldn't bring up what you have bought recently, be it antiques, jewelry etc... JMHO. Seems that if those convos were avoided you might just save yourself a headache, a hassle, let alone an uncomfortable situation with her. Best of luck!!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/18/2007 10:30:21 PM
Author: Kaleigh
If I were you, I wouldn''t bring up what you have bought recently, be it antiques, jewelry etc... JMHO. Seems that if those convos were avoided you might just save yourself a headache, a hassle, let alone an uncomfortable situation with her. Best of luck!!

Ditto.

And no, I don''t think it is wrong of you not to disclose the cost of something. It''s rude of her to ask. I am surprised by how often close friends or family ask how much DH makes or how much something cost. Does it matter??? It''s a serious pet peeve of mine.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don''t think you''re out of line by not wanting to divulge that type of information. Some families (and friends) are comfortable talking about finances, etc., and some aren''t. Is your sister just asking how much something costs just out of curiosity and nothing more? Is she jealous and does she feel that she wants to have that type of life someday where certain things come easier (like being able to travel, etc.)?

My family is a little more open. I know we''ve talked about how much we make or what something costs, but I don''t remember and I doubt my sister does either. It doesn''t matter to us -- we''re just curious. Some may think that''s very rude but I think as long as those involved don''t mind sharing, it''s okay. I wouldn''t ask my friends those questions unless they shared first and then asked me.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 8/18/2007 10:43:47 PM
Author: Miranda
Ditto.

And no, I don''t think it is wrong of you not to disclose the cost of something. It''s rude of her to ask. I am surprised by how often close friends or family ask how much DH makes or how much something cost. Does it matter??? It''s a serious pet peeve of mine.

My best friend of 20 years asked my a few days back how much my mortgage pmt is! There is no way a question like that can benefit either party (do I tell the truth or lie and say less?) and as a result, I''m feeling less and less sure I even want to talk to her again.

 

[risingsun]

Even though you can try avoiding the topic, she may notice the purchases anyway. If she asks the price, you could say that you are uncomfortalbe discussing the amount you pay for these items? Maybe she will get the hint

"When you ask me the cost of ______, I feel put on the spot. I think it would be less stressful between us, if we could just avoid the topic of money."

"I would love to be able to share my new purchases with you, but talking about the cost makes me feel uncomfortable"

"Zip your lip, sister!!" <------------------------j/k

 

[AGBF]

Date: 8/18/2007 11:47:40 PM
Author: MC
My best friend of 20 years asked my a few days back how much my mortgage pmt is! There is no way a question like that can benefit either party (do I tell the truth or lie and say less?) and as a result, I''m feeling less and less sure I even want to talk to her again.

Wow! This shocked me! People certainly are different! I wouldn''t be at all offended if a close friend asked me what my mortgage payment is (nor would I know). I don''t find all talk with everyone about money taboo, even though I think there are tactless things that can be said in discussing it. I feel the same way about discussions of sex and death.

Deborah

 

[scarleta]

Not an easy situation here.Can you somehow put some humour into it ? If she asks how much that cost you could just say : or its quite expensive and I really I don''t remember or its so expensive not sure if we went overboard with it.I thing beeing silent won''t sort the problem for you , sounds like she likes to know all about your purchases.What you need to do is somehow get her to loose interest in it because you won''t give her a straight answer.It would be much easier if you could be honest with her, but seems that is not an option here.So just don''t get upset be very happy when you are telling her about your expenses.I think if you were to tell her that you don''t want to discuss it that may make her even more eager to find out.So play it cool and be up and happy rather than trying to hide it.She may get over it one day.You may also want to point out to her that you do what makes you happy and it happens to be spending money ( that you don''t have you may add) She is free to do what makes her happy and that is perfectly fine with you.Sounds like your life styles are different and she needs to accept it.Good luck to you and just play it happy so she knows for sure you don''t get upset over it .HOpe it helps..

 

[crown1]

i understand you are uncomfortable and i agree it is inappropriate. quizzing people about such things when they clearly know you find it rude is not the thing to do. but......she is your sister and you know she has these insecurities about money. on the cost of an antique server i would simply give it up and satisfy her curiosity and avoid the grief. if it is something like you husband''s salary you can simply say he is not comfortable with you telling his salary and if she pursues it tell her to ask him. i feel confident he can handle it.

jmho.

 

[Mara]

the problem with not mentioning things like that at all is that if you spend any amount of time with her, it starts to become really tedious to have to really watch what you say, especially to a close family member. it's really inappropriate of her to put you in such an awkward situation. she is definitely jealous and she could use a bit of self-scrutiny to figure that out and figure out why she's so jealous. maybe her life isn't as wonderful, NOT just in a monetary way but maybe she is not very happy in her marriage and life and it's easy to focus on what others have or how money could make life so much easier if she just had it kind of thing. i find that people who don't really have money often think about how much easier or happier their life would be if they had it...without realizing that those with money still have the same problems as everyone else and that money never makes anyone happier, it just makes material goods easier to come by. i also find that even when you do have more money as the years go on, you realize that it's never really 'enough' nor can you just do what you want anytime.

honestly, depending on how close you are with her i'd put the cards on the table. i'd say hey look, we are close, i love you, we hang out and i don't want to lose that. but you have to know that when you ask me about how much things cost or get on my case about having money (or whatever), it makes me feel 'insertwordshere'...it makes me uncomfortable and i don't like being in that situation. and then i would ask her why she does it. maybe she doesn't even know. but i would also point out that by you saying you don't want to talk about money, but you do want to talk about the joy you get some buying 'insertitemhere'....and then having her freak out on you, it makes you want to not tell her things like that which would mean your relation seems diminished somehow.

i am pretty frank about stuff like this, especially with those close to me, because life is short and i don't like tip toeing around things that are important to me and people in my life...esp family. i would just be like hey the more you do this the more i am going to pull away and not tell you things, is that really what you want?

good luck with it!!

 

[Pandora II]

My trick on this one - I have a younger sister who doesn''t work and whose husband makes less than half what FI earns alone and so similar problems - is to have developed a reputation for being a mega bargain hunter.

I do actually get some amazing bargains a lot of the time, so once in a while if I spend over the odds on something I will go for the white lie bargain thing.

After all ebay does sell everything!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 8/19/2007 12:12:22 AM
Author: AGBF


Wow! This shocked me! People certainly are different! I wouldn''t be at all offended if a close friend asked me what my mortgage payment is (nor would I know). I don''t find all talk with everyone about money taboo, even though I think there are tactless things that can be said in discussing it. I feel the same way about discussions of sex and death.

Deborah

Well, it makes a tremendous difference if both parties have similar incomes or are at least comfortable. If one has resentment toward another, how can discussing any financial topics be appropriate? In my friend''s case, I knew what her situation is, but she was unsure of mine. She lives far away and we haven''t seen each other in four years. I realize now, I should have lied because it would have been more beneficial to our friendship.

 

[phoenixgirl]

What I imagine is that if you did tell your sister, she''d be telling her friends, "You''ll never believe what my sister spent on an antique server!" And that''s the problem. If she was going to be your confidante and just wanted to live vicariously through your standard of living, that''d be ok. But if she''s jealous/judgmental/resentful, then telling her is a serious mistake.

I don''t have a problem discussing money with my sister, but I would if I felt she wasn''t being supportive. She is a generally gracious person -- even though she had a baby six weeks ago and has weight to lose, she is kind about complimenting my recent weight loss. I know some people wouldn''t be able to do that.

Money is a tough thing . . . I learned this lesson in high school. Nearly everyone in my high school was pretty well-to-do, spoiled you''d probably say. Not too many kids had after school jobs, and they drove nice cars. I drove my mom''s 7-year-old Honda, but I did have an inheritance that I didn''t touch and a weekly allowance (my age in dollars), which I had to ask for or I didn''t get it. So I wasn''t rolling in the dough, but $16 a week for someone with no expenses, plus birthday and Christmas money, went pretty far in the 90''s. I went to a religious camp with my friend, and we perused the bookstore together. She pointed out a book that she thought was really cool. And I thought, yeah, that is cool, and bought it. I mean, a religious book seemed like a good way to spend my allowance. My friend threw this really big fit about how she had desperately, sincerely desired this book, and here I came along and flippantly said, oh, I''ll get that, I can buy anything I want. I was like, "What??!?!" So then I had to make a gift of the book to her and write this inscription about how I really valued our friendship, blah, blah, blah.

This is the same friend who forgot that we were having a sleep-over one Friday and went to a party instead. When I told her this had hurt my feelings, she became very dramatic about informing me, in a patronizing tone of course, that when we made plans, she''d sure try to make it, but if she couldn''t, I shouldn''t take it personally. Double

. Yeesh, and guess who didn''t stick around to be my friend in later life . . . good riddance!

Seriously, money is hard on relationships, and I''m not even talking about between a couple. It''s hard on friendships and familial relationships. Because you''re either wanting to go out but your friends can''t afford it, or your friends/family are wanting to go out but you can''t afford it. And then parents and family members have to decide how to give gifts and set up inheritances. One of my relatives has hundreds of millions of dollars. No joke. Yet he and his kin will receive a portion of my great-aunt''s estate, just like me. Not that you should disinherit somebody just because they''re rich, but come on. For us, that $25,000 could be a new car or a great vacation or the start of a college fund. For somebody who retired rich at the age of 38 . . . .

And then there are the shared-bill under-payers. You all know who they are. They order a $7 salad and $15 entree and $6 glass of wine and an $8 dessert, then throw $40 on the table. And you''re like, that would work if there were no sales tax and we only had to tip 10%, but . . . So what do you? Say, um, is there anything else in your wallet? This happened to us recently, but luckily it turned out our friends were only exiting quickly because one of them had had too much to drink. They had six expensive cocktails and two appetizers between them and gave me something like $22. To be fair, they did ask if we could cover the rest, but it wasn''t really clear if they meant to pay us back until later that week when one of them dropped off $40. I still don''t think it covered it, but we''ve got more of a "we''ll pay, then you''ll pay" thing going on with them, so it didn''t bother me too much. The habitual under-payers really annoy me.

And then there are the people who make less than you but who insist on giving you thoughtful, expensive gifts and on paying as often as you do. And you think, "Don''t be silly! We make more, it''s no problem! We dragged you out tonight!"

I guess the point is that in any relationship, your income and priorities will be different. Heck, lots of our friends and family are probably in serious debt and we don''t know it. So there will almost always be one couple that feels held back by their friends not being able to spend as much, and one couple that feels pressured to spend too much by their exhorbitant friends.

 

[Mara]

ha ha PG we have one friend who is the chronic under bill payer. he always makes sure to say 'lets just split' when the bill comes but my $7 quesadilla and $2 iced tea are no match for his $15 shrimp enchiladas and 1/2 pitcher of margaritas hahaha. but that's totally what happens in a group anyway, someone always gets screwed, so i try not to worry about it. i figure one day i'll do the enchiladas!!

also AGBF i don't really have a problem discussing money with friends or family either...in fact most of our friends all know what we make, and we know what they make, we all know each other's mortgages, tax payments, etc because we talk about it...like 'god can you believe our tax payment was XXX this quarter!' or whatever...and we all commiserate etc.

but yes if there was one friend or family member where they had much less it might get sticky. i certainly wouldn't volunteer how much a piece of furniture cost or a haircut and highlight or whatever if i knew that a friend or family member had it very different. however, i think if i was really close with someone who did what AF's sister was...it would slowly drive me insane and definitely affect the friendship/relationship over time, probably on both ends! i'd be bitter that i felt put on the spot, and they'd be bitter that they didn't have the means to do the same, or whatever. tough call.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Gosh I wish I had Mara''s money. It''s not fair!

 

[Mara]

Date: 8/19/2007 11:42:17 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Gosh I wish I had Mara's money. It's not fair!

What's not fair is that I don't have YOUR good looks. JEEZ, some people have it all.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Mara, you babe you, if I had your looks I wouldn''t need money.

 

[Mara]

Date: 8/20/2007 12:02:56 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Mara, you babe you, if I had your looks I wouldn't need money.

Ahhh, but looks fade and money lasts forever.

Well...or until the next upgrade.

Or the next antique purchase, in AF's case.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well, it does soundl ike most of the time your sister is def. acting very negatively toward you. However, in this situation I was just imagining if someone came up to me and was talking about going to an antique store where the balance between rarity, age and price is the key and saying how they bought somethign they really wanted for a long time. I would assume that somehow they had been able to get a good deal and that it had originally been too expensive or difficult to locate or they would have already purchased it.


In this instance I imagine it is a possiblity that your sister was not being jealous or angry or resentful at all but was really curious about what kind of deal you had gotten, and so by refusing to answer you may have laid on her the guilt of her previous actions and brought back into her mind a very sensitive subject and made her feel as though you were angry and tired of her, when I am sure she recognizes what she is diong to you and at some level wants to stop thus bringing up a mixture of guilt, anger at you for essentially "blaming" her of being resentful when she wasnt, and sadness that there is so much tension between the two of you that you couldnt answer an honest question.

Or perhaps she was just being resentful again. I couldnt say for sure, but there is certainly the possibilty of the former, considering it was an Antique store that you went to and that you brought it up. and I dont mean to say that to be mean, but just that I imagine it is at least a possiblity.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 8/20/2007 6:51:01 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
well, it does soundl ike most of the time your sister is def. acting very negatively toward you. However, in this situation I was just imagining if someone came up to me and was talking about going to an antique store where the balance between rarity, age and price is the key and saying how they bought somethign they really wanted for a long time. I would assume that somehow they had been able to get a good deal and that it had originally been too expensive or difficult to locate or they would have already purchased it.


In this instance I imagine it is a possiblity that your sister was not being jealous or angry or resentful at all but was really curious about what kind of deal you had gotten, and so by refusing to answer you may have laid on her the guilt of her previous actions and brought back into her mind a very sensitive subject and made her feel as though you were angry and tired of her, when I am sure she recognizes what she is diong to you and at some level wants to stop thus bringing up a mixture of guilt, anger at you for essentially ''blaming'' her of being resentful when she wasnt, and sadness that there is so much tension between the two of you that you couldnt answer an honest question.

Or perhaps she was just being resentful again. I couldnt say for sure, but there is certainly the possibilty of the former, considering it was an Antique store that you went to and that you brought it up. and I dont mean to say that to be mean, but just that I imagine it is at least a possiblity.

I am not sure I understand the first part of this. We were going to an antique store saturday and I was mentioning I had an interest in antiques because I had recently bought this table. I didn''t say anything about the price, getting a deal, my long time love of antiques or anything like that. She asked me what it was like and I described it to her. She asked how much it cost. I told her, once again, I would prefer not to say after she grilled me last week yet again about what my husband made.

My sister gets MAD. There is no talking to her. She acts like it is her right to know these things. She acts like I am crazy and unreasonable for not telling her just on the basis of the fact that she wants to know. Her view is that she will never find out what this stuff costs (like she has to know) unless I tell her.

But then if I DO tell her, like with B-bags, she will be like ''You paid $X for THAT? Wow!" ...almost like I am stupid.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Sounds like your sister is a controlling person. There's a great book out called "Controlling People. How to recognize, understand and deal with them".

A controlling person can intrude in all aspects of your life and wreak havoc if you don't learn how to establish boundaries and make them adhere to them. You basically have to make them realize their behavior is unacceptable.

This is a VERY difficult thing to do, especially with family. Adding to the difficulty is that the majority of controlling people never wake up from this spell they are under. They usually go their graves unenlightened as to the reason for their condition (insecurity). They think everybody else is the problem, and don't have a clue that they are the problem.

The anger thing is what controlling people resort to when their tentacles of control are deflected by a person who refuses to be controlled. It's a last ditch effort to regain control. In extreme cases, an extreme controller will sometimes resort to physical or emotional violence in an attempt to regain control over another.

Get the book. You'll be blown away when you see how it accurately describes your sister and many other people around you. In my case, I was blown away when I saw how it accurately described me. I felt like I was punched in the gut when I realized that I was a controlling person. Yet, that realization caused me to understand my behavior and "broke the spell". My life is infinitely easier now that I have learned how to accept change and quit trying to control events and people.

Is this perchance your older sister?

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 8/20/2007 10:11:30 AM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Sounds like your sister is a controlling person. There''s a great book out called ''Controlling People. How to recognize, understand and deal with them''.

A controlling person can intrude in all aspects of your life and wreak havoc if you don''t learn how to establish boundaries and make them adhere to them. You basically have to make them realize their behavior is unacceptable.

This is a VERY difficult thing to do, especially with family. Adding to the difficulty is that the majority of controlling people never wake up from this spell they are under. They usually go their graves unenlightened as to the reason for their condition (insecurity). They think everybody else is the problem, and don''t have a clue that they are the problem.

The anger thing is what controlling people resort to when their tentacles of control are deflected by a person who refuses to be controlled. It''s a last ditch effort to regain control. In extreme cases, an extreme controller will sometimes resort to physical or emotional violence in an attempt to regain control over another.

Get the book. You''ll be blown away when you see how it accurately describes your sister and many other people around you. In my case, I was blown away when I saw how it accurately described me. I felt like I was punched in the gut when I realized that I was a controlling person. Yet, that realization caused me to understand my behavior and ''broke the spell''. My life is infinitely easier now that I have learned how to accept change and quit trying to control events and people.

Is this perchance your older sister?

Interestingly, I think BOTH of my sisters have controlling aspects to their personalities. The sister we are discussing here is a major packrat and I saw a whole show on Dr. Phil about how this is how these people control their environment and their home/family. She is also a person who wastes time and you sit around waiting for hours for her to do anything. I remember years ago when she first moved to this area, I came to visit for a weekend. She slept until 12 noon, then it took her hours to get out of bed, eat and be ready to go shopping (our plan). At that time, the malls in Chicago closed at 5p.m on Saturday. I swear to god, we arrived at 4:45p.m. I got to shop for 15 minutes.

I wonder if my sisters are like this because of some dysfunction in our childhood. My mother was/is bipolar and was hospitalized several times when we were kids. She and my father divorced because he cheated on her.

I will check out the book. Thanks.