Bridal Shower question?

[Littletreasure]

I attended a wedding over the weekend and the bridal shower was held the night before the wedding. Theshower was hosted by the brides sister, the matron of honor. I was a bridesmaid but not asked to help with the costs or planning of the shower. It was held at a restaurant and the guests were all relatives of the bride and groom (except me although the bride is like a sister to me). The shower was nice and everyone enjoyed it.

The day of the wedding I was helping the bride and her mom with last minute details and heard them talking. They were upset that none of the guests paid for their meal before leaving (including me). I started to feel really bad that I hadn''t paid for my meal. I didn''t order anything expensive and drank water thinking I was being mindful of the bill. But I felt awful.

Then I got to thinking...is it common to pay your way at a bridal shower? I have never had to pay as a guest at one before. So I doubt people were being rude by not paying the bill it probably didn''t cross anyones mind to do so.

The invitations had the location of the restaraunt, an RSVP and to bring a gift.

Were the guests, I included, rude to not pay for the meal? or was it a result of miscommunication?

 

[cindygenit]

No, i don''t think you are being rude. I wouldn''t have thought to pay as well. Especially because you were asked to bring a gift. IMO, its a bit much to ask for a gift, AND to pay your own way at a bridal shower. Its one or the other.

 

[that_someone_special]

I would not have thought to pay- either.

 

[havernell]

I''ve never heard of a bridal shower where the guests have to pay. Generally, whoever is hosting *any* type of party pays for the party (I mean, you don''t ask guests to pay for their meal at a wedding, do you?) So, I don''t think you did anything wrong by not paying for your meal at the bridal shower, as I don''t see how you could have known that they expected it (especially if they didn''t put that info on the invitation).

Honestly, it sounds like overall your friend''s family isn''t very informed on social etiquette (especially if they said "bring a gift" on the invitation- that''s not proper either!) So, it''s frankly not your problem if they are upset by expecting something unreasonable of their guests. Don''t lose any sleep over it.

 

[honey22]

I would have assumed that the meal was covered. If that were not the intention, then it should have been made clear on the invitation and reaffirmed at the start of the night.

Seriously, what were they thinking just assuming that people would cough up. If I am invited to an event, I would assume that the meal is covered unless otherwise stated.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/11/2009 1:46:49 AM
Author: havernell
I''ve never heard of a bridal shower where the guests have to pay. Generally, whoever is hosting *any* type of party pays for the party (I mean, you don''t ask guests to pay for their meal at a wedding, do you?) So, I don''t think you did anything wrong by not paying for your meal at the bridal shower, as I don''t see how you could have known that they expected it (especially if they didn''t put that info on the invitation).


Honestly, it sounds like overall your friend''s family isn''t very informed on social etiquette (especially if they said ''bring a gift'' on the invitation- that''s not proper either!) So, it''s frankly not your problem if they are upset by expecting something unreasonable of their guests. Don''t lose any sleep over it.

Ditto to everything.

 

[Littletreasure]

Date: 11/11/2009 1:46:49 AM
Author: havernell


Honestly, it sounds like overall your friend''s family isn''t very informed on social etiquette (especially if they said ''bring a gift'' on the invitation- that''s not proper either!) So, it''s frankly not your problem if they are upset by expecting something unreasonable of their guests. Don''t lose any sleep over it.

You are probably right. They are an LDS (Mormon) family and I know some of the things they found normal/acceptable are technically etiquette no-no''s. Things like being invited to the wedding ceremony but having to wait outside the temple, invited to the reception but not the wedding, multiple receptions, asking for gift card or money gifts only, etc. I have been to three other LDS weddings and it appears to be acceptable.

It makes me cringe and I wouldn''t be comfortable with it but I try not to judge

 

[MagsyMay]

That''s very strange. I would never have thought to pay either and have never paid for a meal at a shower. I''ve also never heard of a shower the night before the wedding though! Sounds like they have some different customs and etiquette than I would be used to, and probably many others!

 

[tyty333]

Date: 11/11/2009 12:08:50 PM
Author: vc10um

Date: 11/11/2009 1:46:49 AM
Author: havernell
I''ve never heard of a bridal shower where the guests have to pay. Generally, whoever is hosting *any* type of party pays for the party (I mean, you don''t ask guests to pay for their meal at a wedding, do you?) So, I don''t think you did anything wrong by not paying for your meal at the bridal shower, as I don''t see how you could have known that they expected it (especially if they didn''t put that info on the invitation).


Honestly, it sounds like overall your friend''s family isn''t very informed on social etiquette (especially if they said ''bring a gift'' on the invitation- that''s not proper either!) So, it''s frankly not your problem if they are upset by expecting something unreasonable of their guests. Don''t lose any sleep over it.

Ditto to everything.

Definitly got to agree...I would have never thought that I was supose to pay. But at this point I would definitly
feel guilty and would probably send a note and a check to whoever I thought ended up paying for the meal.
Its really not necessary but I would feel terrible about someone having to pay for my meal that wasnt planning on
it (even though they didnt make it clear).

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/11/2009 6:18:29 PM
Author: Littletreasure

Date: 11/11/2009 1:46:49 AM
Author: havernell
Honestly, it sounds like overall your friend's family isn't very informed on social etiquette (especially if they said 'bring a gift' on the invitation- that's not proper either!) So, it's frankly not your problem if they are upset by expecting something unreasonable of their guests. Don't lose any sleep over it.

You are probably right. They are an LDS (Mormon) family and I know some of the things they found normal/acceptable are technically etiquette no-no's. Things like being invited to the wedding ceremony but having to wait outside the temple, invited to the reception but not the wedding, multiple receptions, asking for gift card or money gifts only, etc. I have been to three other LDS weddings and it appears to be acceptable.

It makes me cringe and I wouldn't be comfortable with it but I try not to judge

I agree with everything havernell said.

As for the other points you mention, I bet some people were not invited into the temple to witness the wedding ceremony *because* they cannot go into one of the Mormon temples if they are not Mormon. That is a religious issue, not an etiquette issue.

Asking for gifts at all, and gc or money gifts specifically, do seem rather rude to me. And inviting people to any event and expecting them to pay their way is definitely rude. It sounds like they just don't know any better.

ETA: Just wanted to clarify: There are Mormon temples, and Mormon stakes. You *can* go into the stakes if you aren't Mormon, just not the temples.

 

[Littletreasure]

You are right the temple issue is a religious one and not an etiquette one. I think weddings vary with religion, region, and personal preference! I am sorry if I came across as nit-picky and rude.

 

[kittybean]

I have never been to a bridal shower where I had to pay for my meal! It is not very polite to ask guests to pay their way when hosting a party. Most people know that shower = gift, so I''m not sure why they felt they needed to add an instruction to bring one to the invite. It sounds like they need to read an etiquette book or two.