Bridal Shower Mayhem

[DivaDiamond007]

I need some PS'er advice. A friend of mine, "T", is getting married in October. At the time of their marriage, they will have known each other for only 6 months. I have been friends with T since junior high. She was very sheltered as a child and teen and has never dated anyone other than this particular guy. She is unemployed and he works part time at Walmart. They live with T's father, who is controlling, manipulative and needy. T's mother died a bit more than a year ago.

I am not in favor of T getting married to this guy, however, DH and I RSVP'd "yes" to the ceremony because she is a good friend of mine. I am trying my best to mind my own business and not tell her that I think she is making a mistake a that she really should slow things down. It's not my life, so I feel like I have no room to say anything to her, lest I hurt her feelings and have her push me away, as she has done before.

My dilemma is that my MIL, who is invited to the wedding, wants to give her a bridal shower. I do not think that it is appropriate since they are not "setting up house", nor do they have any intention to. Also, since I do not totally support their union I feel it would be two-faced of me to be involved in giving her a shower when I don't even think they should be getting married in the first place. I explained my feelings to MIL and she still thinks that we should give her a shower since it's not likely that anyone else will.

What are your opinions?

 

[Lanie]

You'll probably get more of a response on the BBW forum, BUT if you really value your friendship with T, throw her a party she will enjoy, regardless of if you think it will work out. That's her own issue to contend with, and I kind of don't see why you are upset that someone else is throwing her a shower??? Is your MIL asking too much of you to help out? If someone else was asking me for help in throwing a friend of mine a shower, and all I had to do was help set up, perhaps throw in some money for favors/cake/food, get a gift and attend, then that's a blink in the eye of your worries. It's not like you are helping plan a huge event. Unless you are a little jealous of MIL throwing her one? I don't know...just wondering why you are upset about it.

 

[cara]

Not thinking it is appropriate to give them a bridal shower because they will not be setting up their own house sounds a bit like you are punishing them because you don't approve of their marriage but then blaming it on them not living up to 1950s expectations of How Their Lives Should Change After Marriage. Most bridal showers are not given to people setting up their first home - many people either live together before marriage or at least live separately outside their parents' homes, meaning they actually have enough stuff to live on and the bridal shower just gets them nicer stuff. There is no reason the happy couple can't store their wedding gifts in anticipation of when they will establish their own home.

That said, you are under no obligation to throw a shower and it sounds like a bad idea given that you don't approve of their marriage. If your MIL wants to throw a shower, great! You should say you don't want to help host. And the slippery slope is that if you are attending the wedding, I don't think you have a moral leg to stand on regarding attending/not attending the shower. Unless you are conveniently busy for whenever your MIL schedules it.

The subtext under your post is that you sound worried about your friend and her marriage and want to know how to address it. I think you have to tread carefully, but asking lots of questions about what your friend things of the situation might open some doors. And then I think you get one shot to say something like - I'm worried about you marrying X. for Y and Z reasons. But I do support you and hope that I am wrong. Or something like that, perhaps more elegantly spun than I can manage. You have real concerns, but sadly 'you have lived a very sheltered life' isn't likely to get the right reaction out of your friend. Nor is 'Are you sure you aren't marrying this guy just to sooth your sadness over your mother's death?' Maybe something like 'I'm concerned that you and X are rushing into this marriage - what's the big hurry?' or 'Does it bother you that X's father treats you like that?' would be less offensive questions. It is important to remember that you are unlikely to be successful in getting T out of the wedding, and in order to get her to hear your concerns it is best if you do not trigger defensiveness on her part. Which may involve filtering some of your concerns, and even then may be impossible. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons...

 

[zoebartlett]

You'll probably get more of a response on the BBW forum, BUT if you really value your friendship with T, throw her a party she will enjoy, regardless of if you think it will work out. That's her own issue to contend with, and I kind of don't see why you are upset that someone else is throwing her a shower??? .

That's what I was thinking too.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Lanie: MIL wants me to co-host the shower with her, meaning she wants me to contribute $, help set up/clean up and buy a gift. There's no jealousy issues here - I had a wonderful bridal shower when I married my DH that she and DH's aunts threw for me, and DH and I lived together prior to being married

Cara: T and the guy have NO plans on getting their own place. Ever. That was something that I brought up when T announced her engagement, because I figured that apartment hunting wouldn't be far behind. Boy was I wrong! I just don't see the point in having a shower where other guests will undoubtably buy household items when they'll never be used. I suppose I could just attend and give her cash, but that feels weird too. Ugh. The whole situation does not sit right with me.

I do think that this is a situation where T will have to live and learn. There are reasons that I worry about the marriage besides the fact that they practically just met and that T is extremely sheltered, but I don't want to go into all of that here. There is nothing that I can say or do to convince T to put the wedding off for a couple of months/years and I'm not planning on it either.

 

[cara]

My point was more that the bridal shower as an institution has long outlived its original purpose, which was to help a new couple set up their first home outside of their parents' homes. Even if the bridal couple never intends to move out of his father's home, surely their is *something* you could get them that would be used in that house? Heck, racy underwear is also given at some bridal showers.

But if it irks you, it irks you. Tell your MIL you don't want to host. Either attend and get them something small and potentially useful for their intended life together, such as it is, or decline to attend. Completely allowed. And good you at least know the limits on your ability to persuade your friend... though hard to watch, I imagine.

 

[Lanie]

Diva -- OK, I see. I thought there was some underlying subtext in there with jealousy...my mistake! I don't know...I still think it would be a nice gesture, but not something you are obligated to do. If she registers, she is sending the message that she wants nice things. Who knows...maybe they are putting them in storage for when they are back on their feet. But you give a friend a wedding gift bc you love them, and maybe she'll take it back for cash, and maybe she'll use it at a future time, and maybe she'll use it as motivation to get her fiance thinking about having their own place to put these pretty plates in, but that's not up to you.

In regards to the relationship, I don't think you should get involved unless it's abusive or clearly interfering with her life. It sounds like she's a big girl and you said she has pushed you away in the past, so you don't want that to happen again. Or I like what Cara said...take that one chance to gingerly tell her you have some concerns, see how she reads it, and then never say another word. Only knowing a guy for 6 months by October (so that means at this point they have only known each other 3.5???) is a huge red flag though.

 

[junebug17]

I think it's really nice that your mil wants to give a shower for your friend, and I think you should help her host it. This woman is your friend. You mentioned you had a lovely shower, don't you think she deserves one too? So what if they don't have their own place? They can use the things they receive where they are living now, or store them for when they do have their own place.

I understand not feeling all warm and fuzzy about their upcoming marriage, but I don't think she should be denied a shower just because you feel she hasn't known him long enough and don't approve. Every bride should have a shower if at all possible. I think you should rise above your feelings and be try to be happy for her, regardless if you think this marriage isn't a great idea.

Think about all the marriages that have ended in divorce. Should those women not have had showers? Nobody can predict the success of a marriage.

I think it's sad you can't be supportive of your friend. I don't really understand this.

ETA: Just read that they don't plan on having their own place. Ever? They're going to spend their entire married life in her father's house? No matter, there are plenty of things she can be given...cook books, picture frames, photo albums, gift cards to restaurants and spas, etc.

 

[gemgirl]

There will be many times in our lives, when either the words, actions or decisions that a friend makes will not sit well with us. Their decisions may even haunt us if we genuinely care about the person. In this case, it's your friends life and it's her decision and I'm afraid that I would have to suggest that you just step back and remain quiet in the interest of her happiness. I understand your point of view and frankly, I think I'd feel the same way; but we can't *make* anyone do what we think they should do. I've stood by a friend many times when I absolutely KNEW that what they were doing was wrong, but I supported them because they so firmly believed in their decision.

I would suggest to your MIL that maybe she (and you) can throw your friend some other type of party. A bachelorette party maybe? I know the bridal party usually does that, but there has to be some other kind of celebration you can throw to celebrate her marriage. Or else, it just popped into my head, if your MIL insists on throwing her a shower, you could have a "linens & lingerie" shower. She would use all of that no matter who they live with. When I got married the first time (a zillion years ago) lots of girls' bridal showers had themes.

 

[Hera]

I think it's really nice that your mil wants to give a shower for your friend, and I think you should help her host it. This woman is your friend. You mentioned you had a lovely shower, don't you think she deserves one too? So what if they don't have their own place? They can use the things they receive where they are living now, or store them for when they do have their own place.

I understand not feeling all warm and fuzzy about their upcoming marriage, but I don't think she should be denied a shower just because you feel she hasn't known him long enough and don't approve. Every bride should have a shower if at all possible. I think you should rise above your feelings and be try to be happy for her, regardless if you think this marriage isn't a great idea.

Think about all the marriages that have ended in divorce. Should those women not have had showers? Nobody can predict the success of a marriage.

I think it's sad you can't be supportive of your friend. I don't really understand this.

ETA: Just read that they don't plan on having their own place. Ever? They're going to spend their entire married life in her father's house? No matter, there are plenty of things she can be given...cook books, picture frames, photo albums, gift cards to restaurants and spas, etc.

I agree. I definitely think she should have a bridal shower despite not knowing him that long, living with his dad and the fact that you don't seem to approve. You may not want to get too involved if it bothers you too much but then I can't help but wonder if you are being a supportive friend.

 

[Jennifer W]

I totally understand why you're concerned, but I would say that the outcome of the marriage, be it good or bad, won't be influenced one iota by whether there is a shower or who hosts it. What will have the potential to be changed is the outcome for your friendship.

If it was me, I'd throw the shower and throw my heart and soul into giving her a warm, fun event to look back on. Even if the rest goes wrong, she'll remember the love and attention her friends gave her that day.

Jen

 

[fleur-de-lis]

The bride's unemployed, the groom only works part-time at Walmart, they couldn't afford a place of their own even if they wanted to, he recently lost his mother, and he is only left with a controlling and manipulative parent who dominates over them both?

Sounds to me like they need and deserve a wedding shower more than the average couple. FAR more.

Based on what you posted, your MIL is demonstrating a grace and compassion which is increasingly rare in this world. Her suggestion is the path of the high road, and my opinion is that it's a loving and deserving plan.

 

[Haven]

The bride's unemployed, the groom only works part-time at Walmart, they couldn't afford a place of their own even if they wanted to, he recently lost his mother, and he is only left with a controlling and manipulative parent who dominates over them both?

Sounds to me like they need and deserve a wedding shower more than the average couple. FAR more.

Based on what you posted, your MIL is demonstrating a grace and compassion which is increasingly rare in this world. Her suggestion is the path of the high road, and my opinion is that it's a loving and deserving plan.

AMEN.

If T is truly a friend of yours, then I would suggest you throw the shower with your MIL. Nowadays people give showers themes when the couple is beyond needing housewares, so you could do something like that. I had a "Holiday Shower" where everyone brought a different gift that correlated with a particular holiday. I loved that. (And DH and I WERE setting up house!) I've been to "Date Night Out" showers where everyone brought gift cards or other items to ensure the couple would take nights out for themselves--for local restaurants, the local live theatre, movie rental place, etc.

The last thing I'd do is let my hesitation about this marriage stop me from being there for my friend.

 

[onedrop]

divadiamond: it does appear that you are in a bit of a tough spot. It's hard to see good friends get into a situation that you feel won't end well. However, I think it best to let T make her own decisions good or bad. And either way things go, you should be there to support her since you all are good friends. In this case, I tend to agree with those who advised to either decline the invitation to host the bridal shower, or put aside your misgivings about the viability of her marriage and create a really nice day for your friend. I think it's wonderful that your MIL would reach out to T by having a shower for her. Sounds like T has had a lot of issues going on lately so hopefully the bridal shower will be a good thing for her to look forward to.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Thank you for your replies ladies. I have not brought the subject up with T yet, and my MIL hasn't brought it up with me again since I told her I wanted to think about it. We will probably have some sort of get together for T, although it will not really be a bridal shower/bachelorette party. More of just a nice dinner out that will include giving T smaller gifts/gift cards.

 

[Mara]

DD...I personally can't think of anything worse than having someone who is not into it give me a shower-- I had drama around my wedding shower and drama around my baby shower (both times not related to me) and it's ridiculously stressful on the person who the shower is for to have drama going on even behind the scenes.

That said-- I totally feel your frustration re: what your friend is doing--we've all had friends in relationships where we go WTF are you thinking. I am thinking of one in particular and I cannot even imagine how I'd feel if they had gotten married, egads!! Thank goodness that did not happen.

So if you don't want to and you don't agree with what she is doing, don't be part of the shower. And don't feel bad for it either--you're being true to yourself and your feelings, IMO it would be hypocritical to be part of it when you don't agree.

Give a gift, wish them well, go to the wedding, wish them well. You can still be a good friend who doesn't agree with what is going on by doing the above.

 

[junebug17]

Thank you for your replies ladies. I have not brought the subject up with T yet, and my MIL hasn't brought it up with me again since I told her I wanted to think about it. We will probably have some sort of get together for T, although it will not really be a bridal shower/bachelorette party. More of just a nice dinner out that will include giving T smaller gifts/gift cards.

That sounds like a great idea DivaDiamond007! In fact, it sounds perfect.

 

[House Cat]

One of my dearest and oldest friends got married after knowing her husband for only a few months. 10 years later, they're still married and very happy. It happens yanno.

Your friend is getting married! It's time to celebrate! Seems to me that a bridal shower is a perfect way to start the festivities!!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

It's not your place to judge or punish her because you don't agree with her choice. A bridal shower is a traditional event for a first marriage, regardless of the age or life stage of the bride and groom.