Books on relatives w/Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Circe]

I'm having some issues with an aging family member who suffers from it, and I could use some coping methods. It looks like a lot has been written on the topic, but after having thrown money away on a couple of astonishingly crappy, lowest-common-denominator, second-person-oriented pieces of schlock, I'd like my self-help books pre-screened! None of this "You have always felt blah" crap, please - it arouses my argumentative inner skeptic. Academic or dry is fine, just so long as the info. is good.

P.S. - Yes, I'm in therapy, but there just aren't enough hours in the day, and talking about it just seems to make it worse. The thing about BPD is that nothing is ever going to make dealing with it easier, and there aren't any solutions, so ... I guess what I'm looking for is some odd kind of validation, maybe? Solidarity? Yeah.

 

[rubybeth]

Mother-in-law has BPD. DH has a few books on it, not sure how helpful they are. I have flipped through them, it's mostly DH who deals with his mom.

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287
http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

For validation and solidarity, DH goes to a place similar to Pricescope, except for family members of those with BPD.

 

[Circe]

I'm glad he has something like that! For me, talking about it just reopens old wounds - I am totally down with the emotional disassociation/repression on this one. I just need to figure out how to handle the relative for minimum fireworks.

Thank you for the link - I'm going to go and check it out right now.

 

[Kunzite]

I haven't read these yet (I'm hoping to one day when I have time to actually read!!) but I've seen these two recommended quite often.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y

http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y

 

[Kunzite]

Oh, and I wanted to say please come back and share any books or resources that you find helpful (or not helpful, as the case may be). My suspected BPD relative is currently cut out of my life (hence reading the books not being a pressing issue for me) but I'd like to understand better one day for myself.

 

[Circe]

Thanks, Kunzite - there are days when I wish I could do the same. As it is, taking a few days rest from the never-ending drama is the best I can do, and I tend to wind up paying dearly for it.

I spent last night downloading samples of every book on the topic I could find, and weeding out the crappy/facile/simplistic ones. The current front-runner is Stop Walking on Eggshells: it looks accessible but informative. I'll review it once I've gulped it down.

 

[lyra]

I don't have any book recommendations, because like Kunzite, I no longer have dealings with my BPD relative, my sister. I did at one time ask my therapist what to do and he basically gave me permission to cut her out of my life. I was unknowingly seeking some kind of permission, because dealing with her was having an increasingly large impact on not just me, but my DH and children as well. I felt guilty for not wanting to deal with her and her endless drama. Don't feel guilty if you're left with no other option in the end. My life has so much less stress now. I hope you can find some solutions that work for you.

 

[iLander]

I just read an autobiography of a woman whose mother seemed to have BPD

http://www.amazon.com/Chanel-Bonfire-Memoir-Wendy-Lawless/dp/1451675364/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368664448&sr=8-1&keywords=chanel+bonfire

Have you tried ordering stuff from your local library? It will save you some money, and they can get anything.

Or, if you want to get metaphysical, you can just bury an egg. Put all your feelings, anger and resentments into the egg and bury it in the ground, maybe a park. A lot of metaphysical stuff is just symbolic, but rituals do make people feel better.

 

[rubybeth]

Thanks, Kunzite - there are days when I wish I could do the same. As it is, taking a few days rest from the never-ending drama is the best I can do, and I tend to wind up paying dearly for it.

I spent last night downloading samples of every book on the topic I could find, and weeding out the crappy/facile/simplistic ones. The current front-runner is Stop Walking on Eggshells: it looks accessible but informative. I'll review it once I've gulped it down.

I kind of assumed you'd read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' since it's the classic BPD handbook. This book that I linked above is by the same author, and gets into more specifics, I think: http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Family-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1592853633

 

[SB621]

I can ask my MIL who is a therpist and deals with topics like this.

Also just wanted to give you some hugs! (insert hugging smiley!) I have a certain family member that is suffering from something similar and it is really take a toll on me and my family. We are at the beginning stage now so I know this is just the calm before the real storm

 

[Circe]

Thanks, guys.

iLander - it's a good thought, and I totally used to do stuff like that ... but given that the dinosaurs are extinct, I'm not sure where I could find a sufficiently large egg. I'll definitely check out the biography, though! Thanks!

RubyBeth, thank you: I'm so new to the field I didn't even know that! So, that sounds like a good starting point. I'm also intrigued by some of the archetypal language Christine Lawson uses: her book isn't directly applicable to my situation, but enough of it translates that I'm going to have to look into it.

SarahBear, thank you, I would appreciate that. The more suggestions, the better. Hugs and sympathy back 'atcha - while I'm not sure I could participate in a full-fledged community on BPD without just dwelling on the sadness the situation, it's kinda good to have the reassurance that it's not just *me* reacting badly to these kinds of behaviors. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this sort of situation, too.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I second (or third?) the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. I read it when dealing with a possible BPD ex-boyfriend.

Good luck to you.

 

[Circe]

Thanks, Logan Sapphire.

And after reading some of the posts linked in the sidebar (and having seen that this topic has been read, like, 300 times, but only a few people have posted) ... I just wanted to say that I don't want to stigmatize people with BPD who are diagnosed and doing their damndest to treat their condition. It's people like my relatives(s), who deny they have any problems and blame everybody around them for their unhappiness that can be ... somewhat challenging.

 

[House Cat]

Circe,

A profound and lengthy read is Understanding the Borderline Mother. The others have already recommending the standard reads. I'm not sure if I Hate You, Don't Leave Me has been mentioned.


Here's the thing, you said you want to deal with this person with the fewest fireworks possible, correct? If the person isn't seeking any treatment at all (and prognosis is GOOD nowadays with dialectical behavioral therapy!) then you really have to come to the very real realization that all that you can do is control your own behavior.

Stop walking on eggshells has a workbook. It might help.

I know a lot of people who have mentally ill loved ones who attend al-anon to learn how to effectively set healthy boundaries. It is the very best place for learning this behavior. The biggest part about setting healthy boundaries is to have the ability to set them without guilt.

The message boards are good too. I know a few of them aren't so much for dredging up the past and the behaviors of the loved one, it is more about how to set healthy boundaries for yourself.



You can read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder too, not so much on the behaviors but on how to deal with the person with the disorder. A lot of the advice tends to be effective for either or both.

 

[Rockdiamond]

Huge support hugs from NYC Circe....
I don't have a book to offer- but we did loose our mom to Alzheimer's about 7 years ago,and I have an idea of what you must be facing.
I'll be watching this thread because after all these years, I'd love to read something to make this easier to cope with

 

[House Cat]

What kind of odd validation can I give you?

I am afraid if I share stories, I will trigger this whole forum, maybe even myself.

I don't want to hurt anyone who has BPD who is working on themselves to carve out a better life...





No, nothing makes it easier. I finally gave up and stopped talking to the BPD person in my life. The guilt is unimaginable. You know what? I think if she knew I felt guilty, she would take pleasure in that. I've been in therapy for 7 years. I make progress. Yes, sometimes I annoy myself by talking about her too much. Then, something huge will happen to me emotionally that will show me the damage that has been done to me and I know that I need to be in therapy. I need to keep talking about it.

Anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, pain, grief, confusion, that is my inherited legacy.

Unconditional Love, compassion, self worth, kindness, understanding, empathy is what I strive to give my children.


Hugs to you.

 

[Rosebloom]

Hugs Circe!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Circe I have been reading and have not books to offer or any really helpful advice, but thanks for starting this thread. I also have a family member who is hard to deal with because of unacknowledged mental health issues. I don't think BPD but something in that spectrum. Anyways, I have been distancing myself and it doesn't feel very good. Maybe one of the resources you have solicited will help. So hugs and thanks!

 

[beaujolais]

So truly sorry, Circe. Big soft hugs to you.

Have they gotten worse as they've gotten older?