bachelor party blues...

[neatfreak]

I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL. If my FI wanted to go to a strip club (but part of the reason why I love him is that he thinks those places are nasty, hehe), I wouldn't care, but a private party is a whole other ballgame.

To tell the truth, your FI's comments about what is cheating, calling off the wedding,etc. is what worries me the most.

I personally think he just isn't giving you the respect you deserve about this, and based on that and other red flags in the past, I think you are making the right decision to end it.

I just hope that you guys can get a smooth annulment instead of having to go through the nasty divorce process...

 

[Beacon]

Well now I *am* confused. If you are already married, maybe he is just saying, "ok then let''s not bother with this whole big second wedding." Maybe he is using this as a carrot to dangle over your head so he can get his bachelor party like he wants.

Or is he really saying, "let''s get divorced"?

The key thing is, do you want to stay with this guy? Do you have enuf common ground and similar values? If the answer is no, you know what to do. To get a civil annulment is not always easy at all. Annulment is more of a church thing. However, you could file for a divorce and there are different divorce procedures, some of which are very simple if your marriage has been short and your assets are low. Depends upon what state you are in, of course.

 

[Sha]

Your husband sounds a bit controlling, and I''m wondering if that''s because of the visa issue. Maybe he feels you''re dependent on him now so he has a bigger say as to what should happen in the marriage. (?) An argument about a bachelor party should not cancel your wedding plans. You both should be able to talk rationally about the situation and compromise, if possible. I think it was really low of him to say ''the wedding is off'' because you were concerned about the party. That''s almost like blackmail, IMO. LIke he''s trying to get you anxious/upset so that you can agree to his going.

Is this going to be a pattern in your marriage for him to be threatening divorce if you don''t do a) or b)?

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Date: 7/28/2007 2:24:06 PM
Author: Sha

... Is this going to be a pattern in your marriage for him to be threatening divorce if you don''t do a) or b)?

Certainly that is something noone would want in their marriage: to be on your toes all the time. well, we haven''t been talking since that incident and he doesn''t look like he feels sorry or wants to make up or anyting. Frankly he never tried to use the favor to get me greencard against me, and it was him who insisted on doing that anyway. It is not that he is a controlling man, either, but we have different thoughts on this kind of sexual entertainment i guess. and that happens to be my "thing" that i can not tolerate.

thanks for all the advice...

 

[risingsun]

I can take a pretty good guess as to what type of "sexual entertainment" he is contemplating and it is most definitely considered cheating. If you object to him going to strip clubs, even as a viewer, you have the right to talk to him about this. If it is important to him to do so...and you find it offensive...it will have an eroding effect on your marriage. Any kind of sexual touching, is way over the line. I''m so sorry you are going through this with your FI. As others have said, this is a huge red flag.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

I never have understood the whole stripper / bachelor party thing.

It takes something so sacred (sexuality), and makes it so carnal. Yuck.

How''s that supposed to make a woman feel? Loved, cherished and secure in the relationship? That her man has eyes only for her?

 

[crown1]

i like the way you think!

 

[risingsun]

Ladyoflovers...I just wondered how you were doing. I hope you will let us know how your are.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 7/29/2007 1:47:02 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
I never have understood the whole stripper / bachelor party thing.

It takes something so sacred (sexuality), and makes it so carnal. Yuck.

How's that supposed to make a woman feel? Loved, cherished and secure in the relationship? That her man has eyes only for her?

Richard, if I wasn't already getting married, I'd ask you to marry me!

What with your above post and your love of diamonds, you're like the perfect dude! Seriously...

Which made me think, a guy can learn an awful lot about women hanging about this place, eh?!?

Lady, I totally understand where you're coming from. It's totally unacceptable IMO. Honestly? I find the whole bachelor party stripper/lap dance thing really delasse and extremely tacky. And I'll say it, very low class. Think *trailer park*. Sorry but that's what I eqaute it to. I think the more currently acceptable behavior is what Suzy described - a group of good friends engaging in guy stuff in honor of the groom to be. That usually includes golf or something similar, a good dinner with good wine or booze, and a cigar or two. But strippers? Not really acceptable in this day and age. You have every right to be pissed off. And his flippant comments about it are a strong indicator of how your marriage would be. Honey, you can do way better than this guy!

 

[diamondfan]

Everyone has their comfort zone, and to me, first, he is violating that and being disrespectful of your wishes. But further, he sounds as if he IS treating you in a manner, via all his comments, that is not putting a good start on things. I would seriously want to make sure this was the right person for me and had the right motives before I married him. There is always a silver lining to things. If he is not the right one for you, this was likely the best way as any other to find that out.

 

[onedrop]

This is a late reply, but it does seem that the issue is not really about the strippers/bachelor party but more about the way the FI/husband handled the situation. It''s been said by many others in this thread that this is the case, but it bears repeating. Just FYI on the annulment thing, there are only certain grounds (depending on the jurisdiction) to get an annulment. Usually it''s because of non-consumation of the marriage, fraud or some other closely related issue. You mentioned your visa/GC status and just keep in mind to make sure that you examine all the ramifications of an annulment or divorce on your immigration status. Like I said, just an FYI.

More importantly I wanted to say that hope that you are able to resolve things either way. I am sorry about the outcome of everything.

 

[Ladyoflovers]

Thanks guys, for all the advice. Actually it is true that there was another issue behind this stripper insistency of my fiance/husband. I guess that was just a cover-up, easier to handle. Religion. I am thinking his family placed a last minute threat towards him as he wasn''t thinking this way all these years. Either I convert to his religion, or we break up. Originally we had agreed on respecting each other''s religion and noone would have to convert into anything. But as of yesterday, things changed. We will speak to a religious man to get some advice.

Ah, I hate this.

 

[Nicki]

Date: 8/1/2007 11:53:10 AM
Author: Ladyoflovers
Thanks guys, for all the advice. Actually it is true that there was another issue behind this stripper insistency of my fiance/husband. I guess that was just a cover-up, easier to handle. Religion. I am thinking his family placed a last minute threat towards him as he wasn''t thinking this way all these years. Either I convert to his religion, or we break up. Originally we had agreed on respecting each other''s religion and noone would have to convert into anything. But as of yesterday, things changed. We will speak to a religious man to get some advice.

Ah, I hate this.

Whoooboy...can you go back to the issue just being about strippers????

I really wish you the best ladyoflovers. Religion issues can be so difficult to deal with. Ultimately, it may come down to you guys deciding to go it on your own or allow family pressures to win out. I really hope you guys can work this out...talking to a religious elder may offer some perspective. Good call on that.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Date: 8/1/2007 3:33:24 PM
Author: Nicki

Whoooboy...can you go back to the issue just being about strippers????

Just religious strippers.

 

[chiefneil]

Ummmm, his family wants you to convert to a religion that says it''s ok for married men to have private lap dances with strippers? Boy, I wish I could convert my wife to that religion

 

[dtnyc]

I had issues not w/ my husband''s bachelor party, but w/ one that he went to before we were even engaged. I learned specific details of it and while I "trust" him, I did not trust his friends.

This essay is a bit dramatic but at the same time I believe it to be factual.


http://www.indiebride.com/essays/cole/index.html

I printed it out and gave it to my husband before his bachelor party planning even began. I don''t have a problem w/ clubs, but I do have a problem w/ private shows, etc.

Good luck to you- stay strong!
There are good men out there who understand that part of love is respect.