Awkwardness with the BF, need help and dust ladies...

[HaloBelle]

The BF and I have had a talk recently because we were trying to decide about living arrangements next year (he is graduating and we currently live with 3 more people). I told him 2-3 years ago that I was uncomfortable moving or living with just a boyfriend until I was engaged, a bit of a traditionalist in that way even though by this point we have been together 7 years. It basically sounded like the reason he hasn't proposed is the money and he wants to buy me the "ring he knows" I want.

He is old fashioned in that he wants to surprise me with the engagement and I cannot 'pick' the ring. That is fine with me, but how can I let him know that it is okay to propose with a ring that he has only made a down payment on and then we'll split it? I find it ridiculous that he won't propose because of money. I do not need to be bought, I can help pay. I totally love and respect that he wants to pick the ring (he knows what I like) and suprise me (yes please!!) but I don't expect him to be able to afford ANY ring as a poor college student (i am too).

Is it strange or inappropriate to suggest that putting it on credit so we can split the payment AFTER the proposal is a good thing?? Or simply asking to pay for the setting?

We've been together long enough that I don't need to be swept off my feet with gifts, the thought that will go into a proposal and ring are enough to make me weak in the knees.

 

[legallyspoiled]

It is important to some men that they do it all on their own. I''m not sure if it is a pride thing or what.

I was/am a traditionalist and didn''t want to move in before he proposed. But my lease was ending and we both knew that a ring was gonna come within the next year. It just felt like the right thing to do and everyone (families) was comfortable with it. When I moved in, we were able to share some of the bills which allowed him to save faster. But by all means, if you are going to be uncomfortable about moving in, don''t do it!

Maybe you can suggest that he buy a "starter" ring from one of the PS vendors like WF, BGD, or JA that allow you to "trade her up" when you want. I can''t really speak on the other vendors, but WF lets you trade up any ACA for another without any minimum size or price increase. At least, he can give you a proper proposal with a stunning ring and you can move in and he can save faster towards your dream ring.

 

[HaloBelle]

Maybe you can suggest that he buy a ''starter'' ring from one of the PS vendors like WF, BGD, or JA that allow you to ''trade her up'' when you want. I can''t really speak on the other vendors, but WF lets you trade up any ACA for another without any minimum size or price increase. At least, he can give you a proper proposal with a stunning ring and you can move in and he can save faster towards your dream ring.

Unfortunately, This would be even more out of the question than asking to help I think. He is the most sentimental person ever, cute - really, but he would see this as "throwing away" the memory of an engagement. He would be heartbroken if I suggested getting a temp ring...even if it was just a temp CZ.

 

[Indylady]

I don''t see anything wrong with paying for the ring together. Its not strange or inappropriate at all. I think its time for a heart to heart. I think there are two solutions: help him pay for it, or to chose a less expensive ring altogether which he will be able to afford.

 

[karpouzi]

I also think it''s time for a heart to heart. It sounds like you are being really sensitive to and accommodating of his preferences and insecurities, but that he hasn''t really thought through how you might be feeling about being with him seven years and counting with no engagement in sight.

 

[zoebartlett]

I think it''s fine to offer to help pay, but also realize that men have their own timeline. Are you sure he''s ready to get engaged and he''s just trying to come with a plan for paying for your ring? I''d try to wait it out a bit and not push the issue. I think this is a pride issue too, and a lot of guys have this.

 

[TooPatient]

Sit down and talk with him. Neither of you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. If he is really traditional and sentimental, he may not be willing to let you help pay. Don''t push him.
The same is true of living together -- if you aren''t comfortable with it, don''t do it. There are all sorts of lease lengths available so you don''t have to get stuck in a long lease.

I don''t generally care for credit at all, but sometimes it is the way to go. Some places will give you an additional discount (10% or more sometimes) for using their card. The place we went gave 3 months no interest (if paid in full within 3 months) with no money down. They had other options too -- 20% down & 6 months no interest or 50% down & 12 months no interest.

An arrangement like this might let him pay what he has saved up front and have enough time with no interest to pay the remainder off. (CAUTION: after the no interest period the rates are quite high (ours would have been 30% annual if not paid in full))


Anyway, the most important bit is that you talk with each other and are BOTH comfortable with whatever happens.

 

[HaloBelle]

Date: 4/13/2010 4:11:41 PM
Author: Zoe
I think it''s fine to offer to help pay, but also realize that men have their own timeline. Are you sure he''s ready to get engaged and he''s just trying to come with a plan for paying for your ring? I''d try to wait it out a bit and not push the issue. I think this is a pride issue too, and a lot of guys have this.

I am fine with waiting until he is ready, I just want to make sure that this isn''t truly the only reason he isn''t ready. I''m hoping that trying to tell him this without hurting his feelings might take the pressure off? Like maybe make it easier for him to think about; instead of automatically thinking about the financial investment required.

 

[FrekeChild]

What is the price difference between what he can afford to get you and what he''d love to get you?

 

[HaloBelle]

I''m not entirely sure what he feels like he can afford right now/ near future, I know the setting I want is $895.

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 4/13/2010 4:16:16 PM
Author: jespere

Date: 4/13/2010 4:11:41 PM
Author: Zoe
I think it''s fine to offer to help pay, but also realize that men have their own timeline. Are you sure he''s ready to get engaged and he''s just trying to come with a plan for paying for your ring? I''d try to wait it out a bit and not push the issue. I think this is a pride issue too, and a lot of guys have this.

I am fine with waiting until he is ready, I just want to make sure that this isn''t truly the only reason he isn''t ready. I''m hoping that trying to tell him this without hurting his feelings might take the pressure off? Like maybe make it easier for him to think about; instead of automatically thinking about the financial investment required.

I think you should talk to him about the idea of getting married without bringing up the engagement ring. After 7 years, it''s perfectly reasonable to start planning the rest of your lives together. You both need to find out what each other''s expectations are.

But based on what you''ve written, I really don''t think he''s going to like the idea of splitting the cost of the ring with you. He may very well interpret it as pressure (like, "Where''s my ring, already?!"). Sorry, male egos are delicate things sometimes.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/13/2010 4:11:41 PM
Author: Zoe
I think it''s fine to offer to help pay, but also realize that men have their own timeline. Are you sure he''s ready to get engaged and he''s just trying to come with a plan for paying for your ring? I''d try to wait it out a bit and not push the issue. I think this is a pride issue too, and a lot of guys have this.

I agree wtith this, but also with sitting down to have a good heart-to-heart with him. It''s been 7 years - I think that it''s reasonable to want to talk more specifically about planning your live together good luck!

 

[HaloBelle]

I think you should talk to him about the idea of getting married without bringing up the engagement ring. After 7 years, it''s perfectly reasonable to start planning the rest of your lives together. You both need to find out what each other''s expectations are.


But based on what you''ve written, I really don''t think he''s going to like the idea of splitting the cost of the ring with you. He may very well interpret it as pressure (like, ''Where''s my ring, already?!''). Sorry, male egos are delicate things sometimes.

That is an interesting idea; I like it! I am very afraid that he will feel like no matter what I say, that it is a pressure to buy a ring. You are SO RIGHT about them being ''delicate.'' Funny how we always get that title...

 

[Maisie]

If being engaged is more important to you than being engaged with a ring... then maybe put that to him. Let him propose without a ring and agree that he will buy it at a later date when he can afford it.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 4/17/2010 6:27:10 PM
Author: Maisie
If being engaged is more important to you than being engaged with a ring... then maybe put that to him. Let him propose without a ring and agree that he will buy it at a later date when he can afford it.

I agree that this is a good idea.

 

[luckynumber]

Date: 4/18/2010 4:33:35 AM
Author: kribbie

Date: 4/17/2010 6:27:10 PM
Author: Maisie
If being engaged is more important to you than being engaged with a ring... then maybe put that to him. Let him propose without a ring and agree that he will buy it at a later date when he can afford it.

I agree that this is a good idea.

+1

not at unusual to do it this way in the UK.

my BF was going to propose first without the ring, but very recently, he has decided he would rather surprise me. either way is fine with me, i just want to be his mrs!!