At a loss... sudden death (not for the faint of heart)

[acezarra]

Hi everyone,
I am sitting here in the airport waiting for my connecting flight. I got a call from my mom this morning that my step-father shot and killed himself. He has been in a lot of pain the last month due to injuries stemming from a car accident 40-50 years ago. He has had multiple visits to the er and doctors these last few weeks. He was only getting 3 hours of sleep a night due to the pain. And still, I never in a million years would have seen this coming. Both he and my mom are into health and wellness. She is a therapist and he had a mind/body practice. He did this at home while my mom was sleeping. I do know that they have taken his body. What are the next steps? My siblings and I will be there today we live all over the place. My mom's siblings live across the country as well. My mom is now alone where she lives. How do we move forward? I am in such shock and disbelief. Anyone experienced this and have ideas as to what I should be doing? My mom is in her early 70s. She is a strong woman but this was the love of her life that she had been with for decades. Thanks for listening and any thoughts you all have.

 

[marymm]

My heartfelt condolences to you, your mom, and your entire family. Constant severe pain and poor sleep coupled with perhaps (I am presuming) no real viable possibilities for recovery or easing of pain ... it is hard to know what choices any of us would make in these circumstances.

You all will be mourning, and confused and sad and mad ... be there for each and for your mother ... counseling and/or group therapy may be helpful now, later, for you, for relatives ... be sure to keep on top of your own state of health, diet, sleep, activities ... I am so sorry for you all and for your late step-father.

 

[acezarra]

Thank you so much @marymm. It's hard to think of anything past today and that there will be a need for food and sleep and such. I appreciate what you had to say. I am very confused right now.

 

[AprilBaby]

Agreed, no sleep and chronic pain mess with the mind. When I had my first knee replacement I was in that place at week 7 and had the presence of mind to call a friend to remove me from the house before I hurt myself. It makes sense at the time because you see no way out. I am so sorry for your loss and for your mother’s loss. I can honestly see both sides. It will take counseling and time to make any sense of it . Just be there for your mom. Hugs.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

What a sad sad story. Sorry for all the suffering. Please take care.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[seaurchin]

So sorry. This seems like one of those times that all you can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other. As far as what those steps are, fwiw here are some ideas to hopefully focus on and get through this:

Making sure there's food ready to eat.

Consult with the funeral home etc. to get the final plans made and the obituary posted. A listing like "died suddenly at home" works well, I think. And talk to your mother about if she wants to have a service, who she wants to be notified, etc. Then make the calls or ask someone else to do it.

Emergency grief counseling for your mother if she wants it and/or perhaps a sedative from her doctor.

I'm sure you just showing up is the most important thing by far you can do for your mother right now so you are handling it perfectly.

 

[MamaBee]

I’m so sorry @AnaClare..I’ve lost my two brothers to suicide. My mom was separated at the time. She was also left alone..I flew into New York to be with her..both times..
Having you all there to give her support will be the most helpful. It will be very difficult for her to make arrangements for your step-father. She may have trouble making decisions. You and your siblings can help with that. Let her talk as much as she wants. If she wants to be quiet..then just sit with her. Try to get her to eat if she forgets..My mom wouldn’t eat unless I made her something…My heart goes out to you and your family.

 

[MamaBear]

Im so sorry for your loss.

 

[HollyJane]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. Not only are you all faced with this loss but also by the trauma of how it happened.

The coroner will be involved, and there is typically an autopsy will be done. This may delay any death certificates and funeral arrangements.

You and your family will be in shock for a while. After that, grief gets worse.

The trauma of how the death occurred will blunt in some time.

There are groups and resources for survivors of suicide that may be helpful to you and your family, which you all may not be ready for at this point.

Take care of yourself as best you can and reach out for help when needed. Don't hesitate to do so.

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

I am all too familiar with suicides, having helped far too many loved ones through the shock and pain. I just messaged you via LT.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Big Hugs ..

 

[VRBeauty]

Acezarra - I’m so sorry for you and your family, especially your mother. And for your stepfather, who must have been in tremendous pain to take such a step.

Just be with your mother for now, and help her with the things that have to be done and decisions that have to be made in the near term. Remember that obituaries, memorial services, etc. are not obligatory, and do not have to be done right away… they can be done if and when you (your mother) are ready to do them.

 

[Snowdrop13]

@acezarra I’m so sorry, how sad and distressing for you and your family. Sudden deaths for whatever reason are shocking and confusing. I have no words of advice, just remember you will probably be emotionally exhausted for a few days, take comfort where you can.

 

[Made in London]

I am so sorry to read of your sudden loss I was only 16 years old when my Mother committed suicide. I remember the shock, the disbelief & the grief all too clearly. My Father found her suicide note that she placed in her handbag. You have been offered some very good advice on here & I'm sorry that I can't think of anything else to add except that I know how you are feeling & my heart goes out to you Xx

 

[tyty333]

I'm so sorry @acezarra . Take care of yourself and your Mom.

 

[Arcadian]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think having family around her will help.

 

[PreRaphaelite]

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the pain, confusion and grief. While there may be resources local to your mom, there is also free online support, when she is ready. Wishing you comfort and peace now.

Grief Resources for Support and Encouragement | The Sisterhood of Widows

You will find some of the best grief resources on the internet listed here. Recovery and healing come by learning how to cope with your grief.

sisterhoodofwidows.com

 

[diamondringlover]

I am sorry for your loss

 

[mary poppins]

So sorry for your family's loss, @acezarra. Your stepfather must have felt extreme pain and hopelessness to take such a drastic measure. I'n glad your family is able to gather and comfort each other, and help your mom during this unimaginable time.
You'll only be able to help others if you take care of yourself, so be sure to eat, rest and accept help from extended family and friends. Other than that, I don't have any practical advise other than what's already been said.

 

[Cerulean]

Devastating. It may never make sense, but agree that the lack of sleep + pain can distort judgment quite significantly.

I am so sorry you and your mother are going through this. So your best to keep your head up for her, or cry together if you both need it. Hugs.

 

[doberman]

Oh wow, I am so sorry. Pain is definitely a not uncommon reason for suicide, and the medical profession is so freaked out about opiates that the means of treatment for pain is limited.

Take care of yourself and your family; be there.

 

[acezarra]

Thank you all for your kind words. So much has happened in the last week and a half. My two siblings and I flew in to be with my mom as well as my aunt. There was so much to do that I had no idea about. My mom wants to sell the house so we spent a good deal of time on that the last week. The paperwork and things to handle is at times overwhelming. I changed my username for privacy purposes as my mom is (rightfully so) very sensitive about all of this. She doesn't want people to know what happened. I had to go home as I had knee surgery yesterday. Thankfully she is coming to stay with me tomorrow. I really appreciated hearing from all of you. I find myself doing other things to stay busy and not think about everything that is happening. I realize that isn't dealing with the loss but the grief is too much sometimes.

 

[bling_dream19]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[whitewave]

I’m so sorry. My early 30 year old BIL killed himself 3 years ago mid September and we never saw it coming.

what I found out is:

it’s never going to make sense.

no matter how much you run it around in your head, you will never have seen it coming and you will never be able to find a scenario where the end changes.

there is no closure.

you will take it personally.


Again, I’m so sorry to welcome you to this club. It’s awful.

 

[whitewave]

Also, my SIL did eventually sell the house, but her counselor and the experts told her to not make any big decisions for a year. There is just too much going on to do that.

when she did sell, she got top dollar and was able to exchange a tiny house in an area on the upswing for a much larger house with a pool that was much better for her and her two young sons.

she has been dating a guy she met about a year after my BIL died. (We approve). She said she never intended to date, but he fell into her lap and so she was open to getting to know him as friends and now she thinks they have a future together.

 

[springerspaniel]

@acezarra I agree with what everyone here has written. There is a lot of PS wisdom. @whitewave 's "It's never going to make sense" and "you will take it personally" (I would add, "but it is not personal") are particularly pertinent. I am so so sorry about losing your stepfather.

One book that others have recommended to me (once you have time to read) is "No Time to Say Goodbye" by Carla Fine

I hope that your family finds peace.

 

[mjr1]

I am so very sorry.....